Faced with my first "disengaged" challenge!
OK, STalkers, y'all may remember I'm the one married 20 years who recently decided I'm going to BACK AWAY from doing things (and especially spending $$$ on) the SKs to try in vain to get the SKs to like me when all they do is take advantage. The first challenge comes as SS23's wife posted on FB that they're having a "reception" and want to know "who'd like to come." (Remember, SS23 was practically estranged and they got married secretly earlier this year & we found out from SS25's wife) I'm FB friends with SS23's wife, as she sent me a friend request after meeting her at our house at Christmas, and I've seen her 2 other times, at Father's Day dinner when we invited them and when she and SS23 came to get the $800 computer we bought him at BM's request to take online college classes.
Anywho, first of all, who invites people to a reception by posting on FB, "Who'd like to come?" It looks like only her friends and no family commented. I'm torn as to whether to do anything further, such as message her and tell her we'd like to come. I VERY MUCH DON'T want to go and be uncomfortable around BM and her clan of a family. I also DON'T want to go just to have have to pay for something. On the other hand, I will feel terrible for DH if he doesn't go. Although DH is also FB friends with SS23's wife, DH is so passive when it comes to the Sks, I feel sure if I don't do anything to reach out to her, we won't get any more details and simply will not be part of the "reception." On the other hand, I'm ok with that. lol! But, most of all, the reason I've done EVERYTHING I have for the spoiled, entitled SKs is, I don't want DH to be upset, and this is no different.
So, the question is, if you were me, would you take the lead and message SS23's wife and tell her we would like to come to the reception and just brace yourself for being uncomfortable, possibly being asked to pay and any other negativity that comes from being associated with it? OR, would you just remain completely HANDS OFF, leaving it completely up to DH, knowing if I do nothing, we won't go and that will be it?? I feel SURE SS23 won't invite him directly, and it's not even clear to me if they're sending formal invitations at all, but obviously, like BM told DH YEARS ago, they're handling things "internally," which still appears very much to be the case. I'm absolutely certain that DH's mom and his oldest sister would want to go if they knew about it, so we would have "someone" with us. I just don't know if I can bear it, or if I SHOULD be the one. Right now, I'm leaning towards just keeping with my vow to disengage, seeing if they contact us directly about it (I mean, who invites their parents to a wedding reception on a FB post asking who wants to come, right?!) and letting DH decide then.
Does anyone feel I should be more proactive or involved in pushing the situation? I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
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I would struggle with this
I would struggle with this because guilt (not really warranted but I still would). But I would say youre on the right track and that the best option would be to say nothing and let DH decide if hes going to be passive about it or not. Probably letting go of wanting to rescue DH from his own choices will have a learning curve.
Thank you. This is definitely
Thank you. This is definitely how I’m leaning. I will add, it seems a little pathetic to think someone’s parent has to let them know he’d want to be invited to the wedding reception rather than just being invited if they want him there. And perhaps we’ll get an invitation in the mail.
Facebook has so much feed and
Facebook has so much feed and it follows some funky 'algorithm'. Stay disengaged. Say nothing.
Yes... I mean, you certainly
Yes... I mean, you certainly can claim that you never saw the post. Not everyone is posting and interacting on FB 24/7.
I would ignore.. this was not a direct reach out to you and doesn't require a direct response. Ignore.. carry on and wait for an invitation in the mail.
Also, what if you are not
Also, what if you are not currently following someone? What if you've snoozed them for 30 days? Or unfollowed them completely? For that matter, you could see that post a week AFTER the event.
I maintain: IGNORE.
Right! And I have over 1k FB
Right! And I have over 1k FB “friends,” (as an attorney, a lot are acquaintances & business connections), so I’m sure I don’t see every post by all my friends, even if they are visible on my wall, which I agree I don’t think happens due to the algorithms. Therefore, I don’t think they can assume we saw it. However, I would never deny I saw it if asked directly. I’d just say I assumed we’d get an actual invite if they wanted us there, which is true! I hate having to play these “games!”
I’d just saw I assumed we’d
I’d just saw I assumed we’d get an actual invite if they wanted us there
DingDingDingDingDing!!! You win the kewpie doll!
If you're disengaged, and
If you're disengaged, and your DH is fb friends with SS's wife, then you should do nothing. If DH wants to go, he can respond to SS's wife. It's not that hard to do. If he's not willing to put forth that tiny amount of effort, how badly could he want to go? If your DH would have no other way of knowing about this reception if you didn't tell him, I'd feel differently, but he can find out the exact same way you did. So you should not feel guilty - if he doesn't get information about the event it's because he really doesn't want it enough.
Why do you need to manage DH's relationship with SS23?
Why do you need to manage DH's relationship with SS23? They are both adults and they are both capable of having a relationship if they want one. It is not up to you to facilitate it. You have no desire to go to this event, so don't go. You are disengaged - by definition that means you don't tell DH about the post and you don't reply for him. If he wants to reply, he can.
You are right, this is your first test. Don't do anything. If DH responds and wants to go and brings it up, you can then decide if you want to go for his sake. Personally, I wouldn't go.
If the bar for this is ‘who’d like to come’
and don’t want to go, I’d take her at her word and not remember seeing an invitation. As others have said, it’s not up to you to manage the relationship between your Ss’s wife and your husband.
Free yourself from the nonsense. Start engaging and investing in yourself and your hobbies. Make ‘who’d like to engage with the skids? Not me!’ Be your new motto and live it!
Your husband is informed of
Your husband is informed of the reception. If he chooses not to reach out then you are of the hook.
I don’t think the post was
I don’t think the post was meant for you. It’s for her friends. Act as though you didn’t even see it. If she wants to do a family thing she will call you or send an invitation to the parents. She sounds young. Let the kids do their thing.
She is young. She’s 20. And
She is young. She’s 20. And even her post doesn’t have any of the details of where it will be. Someone asked “when,” which was not originally included, and she responded, so I do know that now.
Also, I was thinking the post can’t possibly be for immediate family, can it?! I guess what makes it weird is we have no communication from SS23 unless he wants something. However, DH did text SS23 recently to ask how school was going and SS23 did respond briefly. SS23 did NOT mention the reception, however. Seems if he wanted DH to come, he would have.
I would do nothing.
I would do nothing.
Wedding invites on ig is a real popular thing now.
Especially in hubbys country. People actually post invites so they can brag they had a couple of thousand people rock up...
Thank you all. I’m inclined
Thank you all. I’m inclined to just let it ride. I did mention it to my DH before she added the date in a response, and we discussed whether we’d even be available. I honestly think if they want us to come, they should invite us. My concern now is that DH’s sister is also FB friends with SS23’s wife, having met her once, and we’ll be at her house tomorrow for a birthday party along with DH’s bossy mom, who’s not on FB. If DH’s sister mentions it, especially in front of DH’s mom, I’m sure she’ll insist that DH contact SS23 and find out all the details and will call SS23 herself (though SSs never answer her calls.) I guess if that’s how it plays out, fine, but at least I’m stepping out of it.