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So I'm trying to not get my feelings hurt, but....

momof5_1969's picture

so my SD24 is getting married on Tuesday. She has included me enough so that she gets money -- ie we paid for the flowers, the cake, her bouquet, and the license.

So today she was doing the decorating for the wedding at the location, and everyone else was invited to help except me and DH, and my BD20. I asked if her fiance's parents were there -- and they were. I would have gladly helped, but wasn't invited. I also wasn't invited to help out at SS23's wedding.

I guess I just don't understand why we get excluded all of the time. I'm nice to her even though she has been an ASS for years. I don't get it.

I had disengaged, and I'm trying to not be hurt over this -- but yet again, there it is.

hereiam's picture

You said it yourself, she is an ass. Had she asked you, she would just be using you, anyway.

My SD did not even tell us she got married until days later. Didn't bother me at all except for the fact that we needed to know so we could terminate CS.

SugarSpice's picture

try not to be insulted. learn to disengage all the way. at that point, it wont matter.

momof5_1969's picture

Well, she came by the house after they did the decorating, and I told her that I would have been glad to help but had no idea that it was going on -- we weren't even asked to come help -- told her we would have been there had we known. She claims that she told her Dad (DH). I think she told us that they were setting up that day, but told us weeks ago about it -- and never asked us to come help.

Just as well.

Wedding was tonight. I'll post separately for that.

momof5_1969's picture

(I've tried to post this separately three different times -- so am posting it here. Frick.)

So we had the wedding tonight -- SD24 and her fiance are finally married. Phew. So we did the rehearsal dinner and rehearsal last night and honestly, it went amazingly well. I felt like my prayers had been answered and we were going to get beyond all of this nonsense and start becoming a normal family, who actually act like adults and treat eachother respectfully. The whole rehearsal evening went so good. I was thrilled when we left at how good it went.

A year ago SD24's now mother-in-law was awful to me -- and I mean AWFUL! Last night she actually apologized to me, thanked me for accepting her apology and even hugged me. I was floored! SD24 was even nice to me - like genuine. It was so nice. She asked me last night if I would take care of her son all day today while she got ready for the wedding, and asked if I would take care of him during the ceremony if he got fussy. I said no problem, I could do that. I honestly didn't mind. I enjoy having her son over because he is actually really easy.

Anyhoo, so we get to the wedding, and I'm still feeling pretty good about things because of how well things went at the rehearsal dinner, and even the last few family get togethers.

So my DH's ex mother-in-law was there, and she is a royal bitch. She brought her bitch sister as well. This woman is AWFUL. She actually used to like me and then went nuts and now doesn't like me. She blames me for her daughter and my DH not being together. Nevermind the fact that I came into the picture five years AFTER their divorce, but whatever old woman. So at SS23's wedding in June, this awful woman made a point to purposefully ignore me. So at SD24's wedding I wasn't going to even give her the opportunity, I was going to just avoid her. I did just that. I also made a point to not talk to her bitch sister either. I looked amazing in my hot little black dress, my hair was done super cute, and I laughed and had a great time -- did not let these petty little people think that they were getting to me. So This awful woman's other grand daughter was there with her husband, and they have made it a point to also ignore and shun me -- so I just did it right back. Acted like I didn't even know who they were.

So I'm thinking that we have made it through this wedding and wow, things went really good -- AND THEN the toasting begins. Everyone decides they want to make a frickin' toast. I'm just waiting and know it's going to happen. Someone is going to say something mean and hurtful, and get a dig in some how.

So about ten people do a toast -- and no I'm not even joking. AND then SD24 and her now new husband decide they are going to make a toast. They begin thanking all sorts of people -- they thank SD24's new husband's mom and dad because "without them none of this would have happened and we couldn't have done it without them, they just did so much, thank you so much new Mom and DAd." And thanks to the biological mom who sent cash to SD24 and she was able to buy this beautiful dress, without her "I wouldn't have this beautiful dress. Even though she couldn't be here..." blah blah blah.........goes on to literally thank EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM EXCEPT ME AND DH. Granted we were not able to help with a lot financially because DH lost his job, but what we did help with wasn't cheap. She got an absolutely beautiful cake -- done at a discount because of A FRIEND OF MINE -- but no thank you from her for that. WE PAID FOR THE CAKE. WE PAID FOR THE FLOWERS. WE PAID FOR THE PASTOR. WE PAID FOR THEIR MARRIAGE LICENSE. WE GAVE THEM CASH TO BUY A VERY NICE DINNER ON THEIR HONEYMOON. But I guess we didn't spend enough frickin' money to warrant a thankyou. PLUS we are watching their son while they go on their honeymoon, I watched him all day today, and have helped quite a bit in other things. But I guess that shit doesn't matter.

So I guess I should be thankful that we made it through the majority of the ceremony, wedding, and reception without anything bad happening except at the very end. After their frickin' toast, I got up and walked over to them and their son (grandson) was crying and took him out of their arms and said "we're leaving." And we left.

I felt so humiliated. My DH thinks that his daughter is not smart enough to purposefully leave us out to get a dig in. I told him he underestimates her. She knew exactly what she was doing and so did her new husband.

jennaspace's picture

She absolutely may have been making a dig. She also (if she is like my DHs kids) may have been just clueless because she is accustomed to receiving and not giving. I was thinking recently how ungrateful DHs family were at certain points. Really ungrateful for significant, sacrificing things I did. Then I thought, "maybe that's how God feels with me". This wasn't some trite thought. I really mean it. I am consistently ungrateful for what God does for me but I expect forgiveness and understanding in return. It actually helped me to be more forgiving of what was/is rude, ungrateful behavior. Not because it's not awful, but because God forgives me.

I don't want to invalidate your feelings at all because they are justified. I just happened to be going through this thought process (regarding ungrateful steps) recently along with the realization of my own culpability.

It helped me to let God deal with them and focus on my own need for thankfulness. This was more productive and positive for me than letting their ungrateful arrogance take up residence in my head.

momof5_1969's picture

Hi Jenna -- you didn't invalidate my feelings at all. Actually last night I woke a few times in the night and prayed each time, and finally this morning God spoke to my heart and said that we didn't do what we did for them to get a public thank you -- we did it because we love them. We didn't do it for public recognition. The Lord saw what we did, and that's all that matters.

My DH this morning also said the same thing you did as well, so I believe that is confirmation to be more thankful to the Lord as well.

I'm just praying that God releases me from these thoughts and memories and hopefully I can remember the good parts of the night, rather than what happened at the end.

jennaspace's picture

I hope you'll remember the good things too! I've also been trying to focus on the good memories I have of people, not when they hurt me. This is contrary to my nature. I know it's hard.

I'm glad it was confirmation because I didn't want to write it (appearing to invalidate you) but felt pressed to do so.

We're always in the struggle aren't we?

Galatians 5:17
"For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please."

momof5_1969's picture

I did end her a text this morning and it said "Have a safe and fun honeymoon! Your wedding and reception were absolutely beautiful! Thankful we got to be apart of it! Have a great time! (Son) fell asleep immediately asleep in the car....was one tired little boy Smile See you when u get back! We are very happy for you both!"

I figured this way she wouldn't think she had gotten to us -- I do not want her to think she got to us. My Mom even had an idea of sending her a nice bouquet of flowers for when they return from their honeymoon telling them congrats again, how beautiful it all was, and how beautiful she was -- and telling her we love her.

In the Bible it talks about loving your enemies and basically blessing them instead of what our natural instinct is, which is to rip into them and let them know how much they hurt us. but really, what good is that going to do? It will only cause us to become further apart, and no healing will take place in our relationships.

Sure they can do their part of being jerks, but we don't have to respond in like. Yes, my flesh would love to respond in a nasty way, but what good is that going to do?

I've been praying for well over a year for healing and restoration in our family, and have seen God do some amazing things -- not 100%, but far better from where it used to be.

And yes she knew exactly what she was doing. Why she did it? I have no idea why she would want to hurt us at a time that was supposed to be a good time, but she did. Unless it was that she got everything she wanted out of us (all the money had been paid, cake was done) and now she could let her guard down and hurt us without any repercussions. Just a thought.

Oh well. Such is life.

Amber Miller's picture

Oh she meant to leave you out. I hate it when my DH used to make excuses for his evil spawn like that. They know exactly what they are doing. What a little bitch. Good for you for looking good. She's just jealous.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I think your DH is well within his rights to raise it with the SD. If i were him, i would get her to write a nice thank you card to YOU and mail it. Parents are responsible for what kind of kids they unleash on the world. I like idea that not only do we need to leave a better world for our children to live in, we also need to leave better children to the world.

The current generation of 20-somethings is notoriously entitled. It is not too late to indicate to the SD that the attitude of gratitude is on order. I sit down my boys ( not in their 20s yet, 14 and 17) and make them write "thank you" cards routinely. Fake it till you make it. You do not care if the SD FELT gratitude in her heart, she should have thanked you and your husband because it is the right thing to do.

sandye21's picture

"I like idea that not only do we need to leave a better world for our children to live in, we also need to leave better children to the world." So true!!!

momof5_1969's picture

Yes I love this also, and agree. Sorry I hadn't responded to that. My DH is going to wait a week before he talks to her -- he is going to talk to her about that after honeymoon is done and after grandson's birthday. He doesn't want her memories of this good time in her life to be tainted with negative memories of fighting. I get it, and agreed.

KK12's picture

I do think that your DH should have a word with her for not thanking you but at the very least she needs to thank you for looking after her child while she is on honeymoon..... even though she is technically an adult, she still needs a parent to reach her respect and a thank you is part of that!

momof5_1969's picture

Well, my DH wouldn't admit it the night of the wedding that what she did was hurtful, but the more it set in, the more hurt he got. He now knows that she did do it on purpose. I told him she is smarter than he gives her credit for. She KNEW exactly what she was doing when she said thank you to her mother (who wasn't even there) while looking AT US. We gave her/them about $800 towards the wedding; her mother apparently gave $500. But I guess we don't matter. Whatever.

She never even responded to my text either. I'm interested to see if we will be invited to her son's birthday party or not.

Her sister -- DH's youngest daughter -- SD18 made a toast, and told of a story when she threw a rock at the pony that SD24 was riding when they were kids, and then makes the comment "you've had a lot of rocks thrown at your pony in your life" You poor kids have had it so frickin' rough. Get over it -- or get counseling so you can get over it and stop blaming everyone. They need to place the blame where it belongs -- on their mother who abandoned them. DH/dad was there for them -- I guess they forget that.

momof5_1969's picture

I agree with you 100% skeeter. This is what I have done since she and I have started communicating again. I say no to babysitting her son when I'm busy and I don't feel bad about it. She got mad at first, but she was asking me to watch him about 4 times a week. I have a life. Get a daycare! She did. Biggrin

I haven't texted her since and don't intend on communicating with her -- like you said -- I'm letting DH deal with her. I have decided that I do not want to help financially with anything for a while -- don't feel like what we DID do was appreciated. I mean, DH has no job and we give her about $800. You'd think she'd be thankful. Whatever.

Heard she is having a b-day party for son, we haven't been invited yet and it's tomorrow. So IF we get invited he will not be getting a gift because I didn't have enough time between notice of party and when the actual party is. SO whatever again. Just so tired of their crap ALL --- THE --- TIME!