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Edit: Labor Day Weekend

Mercury's picture

Because of the EOEW schedule, we have been stuck with my husband's son during every three day weekend holiday this summer. This is not what I came here to complain about though. I know many of you have your skids full time and I have it relatively easy. Also, I worked...voluntarily...during the other holidays so I wasn't as resentful as I am now.

This is the last one of the summer. We had talked about going out of state and visiting friends, maybe hit a beach while we were at it. I thought I was being extremely generous by saying I didn't mind if his son went with us since it is going to be a skid weekend anyway. He seemed happy about that. That was a month ago.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I started making more concrete plans, and now it's a completely different story. He doesn't want to go. I reinforced to him that I didn't care if his son tagged along this time, our friends have kids his age and it just seemed perfect, they could keep each other occupied, everyone wins.

He started hemming and hawing that HE wouldn't have fun because he'd be worried about his son having a good time. That sounded stupid to me so I persisted and finally got to the truth. DH is ashamed.

He is terrified about asking BM's permission to take his own kid on a weekend trip during his scheduled visitation. He is ashamed that he is even reduced to having to ask her permission. He is scared she will object and cause a scene and then he will either have to cancel last minute and stay home with the boy or just skip his weekend with his son and go with me. He is ashamed of his situation. Our friends have an intact family and even though their kids are turning into pre-teen shits too, he knows his kid is stunted emotionally, socially, and cognitavely. He says he feels like a failure as a dad and that will be amplified being around confident, social, well adjusted kids.

I swear every time we take a step forward we take two more backwards. He knows he is within his rights to INFORM the BM, he is not required to ask permission. He knows this. I have no idea how to handle such a broken man. Just when I see signs of improvement, he retreats back inside himself and becomes depressed and morose and self defeating again.

Edit: Lol. I just noticed that I titled this blog with the wrong holiday. Yeah, memorial day, labor day, whatever... the one that happens before fall. Blum 3


Mercury's picture

The CO says that they have to inform each other. I think there is a required time frame too but I can't remember...24 hours notice maybe?

That's the point. He KNOWS this. Furthermore, she doesn't tell him when she goes out of state. He doesn't care. He sees it as her time, her business. He expects the same courtesy but never demands it. How do you convince someone to stand up for themselves when it's not like he is even pushing the envelope. He would just be following the CO to the letter. I don't get it. This is why he got screwed in the divorce.

msg1986's picture

Isn't that so annoying? Dh gets so irritated because the only time wants to talk to Ss is when we got out of town. She blows up Dh's phone and demands to talk with Ss/know what's going on and although Dh tries to keep her at bay it's still annoying. Dh doesn't bother her when she takes Ss out of town or wherever because it's her time. I don't get it. I mean I do, it's all about control but whatever. I hate it. Sad I'm sorry you're going thru this.

Mercury's picture

I love it.

He actually did this once before. He and his son wanted extra time together over the summer, she said no in front of the kid, the kid resented her and made her life hell for it. They didn't even have plans. He stayed alone at home while she was at work. I hope he never forgets that.

kathc's picture

^^^^^^^^^^^^I love this idea^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Well, BM, Mercury and I are planning a little weekend getaway with SS for Labor Day, just wanted to run it by you since the CO requires I notify you. We'll be in X town from Y day to Z day and you have my cell number"


Mercury's picture

I think I've already decided. I'm going to plan on going. He can work out whatever he needs to work out on his own. Ideally, we all go together and everyone is happy, maybe even BM if she cares about her son and how fun a beach trip would be more than she cares about being spiteful to DH. At the very worst, I go by myself. This will be hard to follow though on but I think he needs to start taking control of his own life. If he wants to be with me, he can't worry about BM. Period

Disneyfan's picture

Are you sure he isn't using that as an excuse for something else?
Since he's only required to inform her of his plans, his concerns seem rather silly.

DF has the inform/permission stuff in his court order. As long as we travel during his time and remain in the country, he has to inform BM and give her an address and phone number where we can be reached. He needs her permission to the take the kids out of the country.

Mercury's picture


I have been known to *say* everything is ok regarding his kids but actually hold on to a boat load of resentment over them. He could be scared of me. Scared he won't have a good time because I don't enjoy being around his son. This is entirely possible.

Newstep's picture

BM pulled this with us. She made a big freaking deal out of everything we did. Now our solution is we make our plans when SD is with her }:) }:)

Guess what now she's mad because we exclude SD :? Thank goodness SO ignores her 100% when she pulls this crap.