Childless women who dated/dating or married full time single dads, what’s your experience?
Any childless women in there 30’s on here have or currently dating a single full time dad?? Or married one and regretted it?
Edit: Been dating bf for 4 years. His son stays with his mum every other weekend. First two years were great, we spent every weekend together and I didn’t mind his son being around during the week but the last two years the arrangements have changed and he stays with his BM every second weekend. Bf and I don’t get alone time unless son is at his mum’s house. Son is an early teen and I feel he’s old enough to stay home alone for an hour once a week (which is what I asked for) so we could have a little more alone time but bf feels bad leaving son out. I’m scared that I’ll forever feel like there’s someone in between us. I tried to step into a step mothers role but BM made it difficult so I stepped aside and told bf I couldn’t fill a step mum role, he was ok with it but I find that he sneaks in responsibilities such as asking me to pick son up from school if I happen to have a day off work or help him with his daily homework, take him to the medical appointments etc... I end up feeling pressure. I’m i kidding myself to think that I can marry a single dad without taking on a step mother’s role? As I mentioned I tried to step into the role but got shut down by BM and it became too complicated so I stepped aside and bf was fine with it, or so he says.
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Yep
We aren't married but dating and I was childless before dating him.... if I could turn back time I would probably never date someone with a child again. But I can't do that and I fell pregnant quickly and we now have a child together and it just made it 100 times harder. He doesn't prioritise our child together and SS is here every weekend and a little terror. It is the absolute worst becauz we just parent differently. Disney day 100%. If you have the choice and see red flags, run. They will never change.
Thanks for your comment. I
Thanks for your comment. I have seen a number of red flags such as bf expecting me to be “more involved” and “step up” as a mother figure yet I don’t live with them. That puts a lot of pressure on me and I’m already feeling like a worn out mum, and he’s not even my own kid *sigh*.
This is a huge red flag. He
This is a huge red flag. He wants a replacement mother and if you aren't up for that, you need to make that clear now. Some women might be, but if that's not for you, then don't proceed without making that abundantly clear. It might end your relationship, but you do not want to be stuck parenting kids who aren't yours unless you are very much up for it.
you can see
That everyone is basically saying the same thing. It's not an ideal situation and if you marry this man, unfortunately this is just gna be how your life will be. It can take years and years to understand the dynamic but it is much easier to be with someone who does not have a child. Take precaution and put your foot down now... how he reacts will show you exactly how he will react if you ever say "no" or "I don't want too". In my relationship it didn't bother be so much when I was childless but now that we have our own child, I can't stand it. I don't want this life for me and my son. It's just a matter of getting my ducks in a row before I leave. You will feel completely different once you decide to have your own child, and not in a good way. So take the advice and plan an exit for yourself when you're ready. Thank us all later ❤️
I would not do it again
I would not do it again either. I've been married 2 years with SD11 and SS15 full time. There is no BM in the picture. I know that sounds ideal to many here, but we never get a break. The kids behavior problems and the fact that we can't get on the same page about the them are tearing us apart. The pain is unbearable lately. I don't know if we will make it.
I’m really starting to wish
I’m really starting to wish my bf was childless.. my sleep has become restless thinking about how lonely I could potentially be if I marry him since his son is around majority of the time and wants his dad’s attention (which is normal I guess *sigh*), bf also wants me to give his son a lot of attention (feeling the pressure). I thought I could do it, but I’m having major doubt about moving forward with this relatiohsip. Thanks for commenting :)
And once you cave to the
And once you cave to the pressure, he will distance himself more and more from the parenting, leaving you holding the bag. He'd be better off finding a woman who is enthusiastic about parenting his kids instead of pressuring someone who isn't.
What kind of attention does
What kind of attention does he expect you to give to a 13 yo? The kid doesn't need mothering and he shouldn't be after his father all the time. He's at an age where he should be exploring his independence. Is he developmentally delayed? And you don't get alone time unless he's at his mothers? I would find it a huge turn off that your bf expects his son to be included in everything. Doesn't he have any friends?
You are in the honeymoon period of your relationship
It will only get worse.
I was childless in my 30's
I was childless in my 30's when we got together. High conflict BM with mentally ill children. Debt, regret, resentment, PTSD, and favors not returned is what I've gotten out of this. Add stress and anxiety to keep BM's puppets from ever contacting our daughter.
I got sucked in with the "your my true love" crap....he only needed me to be a buffer with his nutty *ss kids and help him afford a lifestyle after paying his worthless ex high child support. He can claim to love me all he wants but this relationship is nothing but just trying to help him survive his failed marriage. Even though I've known him longer than BM did, his significant memories were made with her. And yeah, there is the future memories to be made but his first marriage is a glaring stain that will never go away.
it will not magically get better
All the others have made basically the same identical comments that I would have.
I am 6.5 years in and 2.5 years married, with a crazy Toxic Troll BM, and 50/50 visitation. Unless you want to really make some huge changes to your situation, your SO will continue to progressively request more of you. Because you are doing it. I would tend to say "heck with what BM wants or doesnt want, what do YOU want, because what she wants has no importance in your household" however you are not living together.
Take this very slowly. And do not move in. Take pregnancy precautions. Think about if this is what you want for your life. Which you already are with your post.
In my situation, the answer to your question "would I do it over again..." it depends on the day. Sometimes its a "yes" day and sometimes a "no" day. We have a calm situation (right now), and DH and I are doing really well together - bought a house and fishing boat, are planning a vacation (that dont include Munchkin SD14) because he has always just been surviving...and now we are both thriving...
Good luck!
"I have seen a number of red
"I have seen a number of red flags such as bf expecting me to be “more involved” and “step up” as a mother figure yet I don’t live with them".
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What that really means is, I am looking for a woman, any woman to be a free babysitter.
Not all men are like your bf. Many are good dads. Please know that.
I would tell him to take care of his own child at all times. IF you move in with him you can expect more of his bs.
Dump him---there is nothing attractive about what he is saying. One more thing, DO NOT MOVE IN with him that will not make things better. He has told you what he expects of you.
RUN RUN RUN. I bet he will find someone in a month or two who will do what he wants them to do because they are so desperate to have a guy.
It sounds like he wants you
It sounds like he wants you to be a replacement mother for the responsibility but not any authority. That's a losing position.
Also the kid is at least 13 and still very clingy (or dad is still very clingy.) That is also a big red flag.
We were early 30s when we
We were early 30s when we started dating, we're in our 40s now (not married). I am childless by choice.
I started off disengaged. I made it clear from the get go that I wasn't looking to play mommy to or for anyone nor am I a babysitter. We don't deal with those types of role issues in our house.
BM is an inconvenient emotional vampire on her best days but I certainly wouldn't call her high conflict. Yes, life would be better if we didn't have BMs antics to address but it would still be rife with the challenges of a step situation.
I would not consider myself to be dealing with more than your average run of the mill step difficulties. I am happy in my relationship. Still, I would not do it again.
He can never, ever level the playing field. The sacrifices will overwhelmingly be yours to make. That's not to suggest keeping score, tit for tat or even equal vs equitable. Simply, even without direct interference from the other household, your life moving forward now includes a third party. Time, money, location, career, health, retirement, etc. If you're lucky, your other half can minimize those impacts to you and still be a decent parent. You'll still feel it. You'll know its there, in the background. You'll feel the weight. Another force on the direction of your life.
This stuff is hard in the best of circumstances and with the full support of your partner.
If you have a partner who is not, cannot, will not get on the same page as you re: roles and goals, the relationship will not be sustainable.
Sounds like that is the case for you already. If the relationship does not meet your needs and the trajectory does not align with your life goals, you owe it to yourself to hit the pause button. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Pretty much this.
Pretty much this.
Run.
Run.
38 no kids and live with my boyfriend and his 3 kids
I'm 38 no kids and live with my boyfriend in there old house where he made 3 baby's with the ex.
I don't mind the kids but I do mind that everything in the house reminds me of the old life he had with the lost family he still morn. Nothing about it is positive from a new partners vue. The good times we have together are good but very short like when we are alone and able to bond for a few days till he without knowing it ditaches from me emotionally and physically to take the dad role. I respect his dad role and skills but I can't seem to get used to him being shutting me out without knowing it. It's like your partner have another emotional partner and you have to be ok with it. So I'm wondering if a single parent actually are ever ready to have a new love partner in there lives without making them feel like side projects as a complement to there first life's ? Do they ever get over the faild marriage and the cheating wife who didn't turn around to check if there was a way back to an ex?
I feel like I've entered a 10 year relationship with its baggage and expected to be ok with it. Also this relationship is making me feel so old and bitter as everything about it is old and has history that I'm not a part of. Kids are beautiful and parenting is only beautiful and manageable if you are the parent by choice. I don't know why my boyfriend is insisting that we do this together just based on part time love relationship.
Does anyone have the same experience here? I feel to old to start over again and have feer that this is my last chance or something.