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Skid doesn't want a step mum

elenamadley's picture

I'm not technically a step mum as I'm not married to my partner but one day it will happen. I'm also childless besides my puppy who I say is our child and my parents grandpuppy LOL

My partner's son who is 6 has expressed that he doesn't want me to be his step mum but every boyfriend that his mum has brought home (roughly 6-10 potential step dads in 7 years) he wants them to be his step dad. He even asked if his bio dad would still be his dad. Where is he getting this information? Is this coming from the BM or did he just come up with this?

I have never done anything wrong to this child. No disrespect. No hurting him. Nothing.

I understand he may never like me because of what his mum has said and that's okay. I'm with my partner because I love him and our relationship together. His kid doesn't ruin our relationship. His son usually never rubs me the wrong way I just disenage now. I greet him and say how are you but when I said he doesn't want me to be his step mum it actually hurt my feelings.

I'm a bit funny with children and maybe it wasn't the best idea to date someone with a child. Too late now. I'm shy with them and I speak to them like an adult. I don't say goo goo ga ga and talk to them like a baby.

I don't want to be considered his step mum. I would be happy for him to know me as daddy's girlfriend, just my name would be okay. I don't want him to think I'm replacing his mum. I don't want to be his mum he has one.

But it did hurt my feelings that he said no. I have never done anything wrong to him. I keep my distance and don't push myself on him. If he were to say hey do you want to play with me? I would say yes of course. He hasn't though and I'm not going to pressure him.

CastleJJ's picture

I wouldn't be giving a child opportunities to share their wishes on adult topics like relationships and marriage. Ultimately, he might get a stepmom, whether he wants one or not.

It sounds like BM is struggling with her ex moving on, hence the projection from SS' that you won't be his stepmom but full acceptance of BM dating and a possible stepdad. I wouldn't read too much into it - he is likely just parroting BM's message. She is the problem here. 

If SS isn't willing to accept you as a stepmom, then decide what your boundaries are. What are you and aren't you willing to do? Driving skid to stuff, cooking for skid, cleaning for skid, babysitting skid when BF is out, etc. If skid is going to be rude to you, do less and take on more of a fun aunt role. If skid becomes more accepting, take it one day at a time. Don't let yourself get burned by trying to be a part of the parenting. 

elenamadley's picture

Love this! I think I'm willing to just be present. I will continue to be nice to skid and be responsive. I have played a game with him once but that was years ago. Now he refuses to sit next to me and whispers to his father when I'm in the room.

Evil4's picture

"Now he refuses to sit next to me and whispers to his father when I'm in the room."

What does your SO say or do when his kid does this? It's bloody rude and if your partner doesn't address his kid's rudeness to you then you have a partner problem rather than a kid problem. 

elenamadley's picture

My partner always says something. We are good. Our relationship has never struggled because of this side of his life. But I do tell my partner it's okay don't worry about it. So basically I just brush it off and continue my day. Lately his kid has been rude to his own parents.

Rags's picture



Good for you for speaking to the Skid like an adult. You are an adult.  The kid will have far less opportunity to manipulate if you maintain that model.

We never spoke with our kid (My SS) in a baby voice. We just talked to him.  He was 15mos old when we met.  We married the week before SS-30 turned 2yo. I am his dad. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.

We also never spoke with any of my brother's kids except in adult voices with adult words.  My son and all of my brother's kids could hold a reasonable conversation when they were 2-4 years old.  Our friends were all up in arms about us being too strict and demanding with the kids when they were toddlers.  Those same friends were all baffled when their own toddler aged kids were drooling and could not form a word much less a sentence until they were years older than our kids were when they were having conversations with us.

You and your partner live your life together. The kid does not get a say. The kid does what the kid is told to do when told to do it.

Keep it simple.

PetSpoiler's picture

I didn't realize it was up to a kid whether Mom or Dad dated someone or married someone.  I thought it was up to the adults in question.  My parents raised me wrong apparently.  

Seriously, his opinion shouldn't matter.  His behavior is rude though and Dad needs to straighten him out.  That is where your problem lies.  Mom is probably putting this stuff in his head and Dad needs to set him and her straight.  It's ok for her to date, why can't he?  

elenamadley's picture

Exactly right. My partner and I both think it's ridiculous and don't let it bother us. But can't help think about this BM and what a boring life she must have to invent in our personal life with a 6-year-old. My partner does need to stand up more which he does but this kid will cry cry cry until he gets what he wants. If his father says no to something all hell breaks loose or he just stares at him like who are you to tell me what to do. Then the BM will get involved and basically "call him out" saying our child was crying because of you. Why didn't you do everything he asked for??

Rags's picture

Time for your partner to put an end to this. The crying Skid gets put in a room by himself while he works through his tears and tantrums.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

BM needs to STFU and is told keep her mouth shut regarding what goes when SS is with daddy in his/your home.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Quit the games end the insanity.  SO needs to manup and take a full confrontation zero tolerance stance on all of this crap.

Every time either BM or SS pulls it.

elenamadley's picture

Is it okay to drag the kid to his room or say a corner of the house? His father has said to go sit down and look at a wall or something like that but his kid refused and just sat down where he was. So in that situation can the father drag his ass to where he wants him to go? I can imagine the kid won't sit there and will try to run away from the corner say. His kid isn't used to his father really putting his foot down to him but better do it now before it's too late.

Rags's picture

the SKid to walk with daddy to the corner or to his room.  A twisted ear, a come along hand hold, etc....

A come along hand hold is an ideal tool for controlling a writhing kid. It has been used to walk rioters to police vehicles or to holding cells for many decades. It only hurts if someone struggles. If they walk calmly, there is no pain. Their choice.

The kid will learn in a hurry to do as he is told or he will be extremely uncomfortable if he chooses to struggle.