It makes me a bit sad to say this, but yes, I honestly think that childless single people should avoid dating people with kids. I love my DH and when his kids are not around, our relationship is great, but kids bring such complications to things. Also, if a person has not worked through all their dysfunction and developed healthy emotional boundaries, healthy expectations, and an understanding of what a strong relationship needs and how that relates to children or other complications, then it really will be trying to the stepparent. No one wants and no one expects to play second fiddle or be a non-entity in their own home, yet society expects stepparents to accept that with a smile on their face. It can be exhausting, especially if BM is high conflict, has control issues, or hasn't moved on from the divorce.
Do not do it, skids are absolutely horrible especially the ones with BM that don't discipline or set rules and responsibilities! Your life will be hell and you will always have to deal with someone else's disasters.
I totally agree. Not saying I don't love my husband. But all of my friends who are starting to "think" about meeting a guy with kids... I tell them ALL the things that come along with it. And to run. I was also 25 when I met DH. I honestly feel like if I were older, I probably wouldn't have dated him.
If I could go back to my twenties/thirties, no I would not date men with children.
The older I get the more I agree with the stance that divorced/single parents should should STAY single, focus on raising their kids, launch them, and THEN find a new partner. There are just too many stories here of parents who want to dump their kids on the new gf, or expect the new bf to open his wallet and be a father figure, or haven't worked through their issues from their last marriage, etc. Too many people who are already shacked up with the new Mr or Miss Right before the divorce is even final or custody has been worked out. People who haven't handled their business, established a working coparenting arrangement, or ensured their kids are adjusting well before jumping into their next mistake with some naive easy mark.
Parents should focus more on raising their kids to be successful adults and less on finding a new bedwarmer/nanny/bill payer. There would be far less collateral damage of they did.
You know, I’ve got a kid now and I COMPLETELY agree with you.
Things have been rough with DH lately & I’ve decided if we were to split I’d stay single as long as humanly possible. Years. Decades. Focus on my kid, on myself, and just ENJOY my life. Men have always brought drama to my life & my DH has been no different. I’d rather be alone than unhappy, and I don’t want my baggage becoming someone else’s drama.
OP to answer your question, if I could do it again the answer would be NO.
I agree, but that is getting to be a big problem, because a lot of kids don't (or even can't) fully launch until they are around age 30 nowadays. I believe this makes more sense when both partners have children. Maybe it'd be no problem for them to wait 10+ years or even more to marry. And, I worked with a woman who, like you, did the same and this worked out well for her and her partner. But if one of the partners is childless, nope.. I don't think there are too many who would hang on that long just waiting; nor should they. And, adulthood of the SKs is no guarantee of blended family bliss in and of itself.
"I agree, but that is getting to be a big problem, because a lot of kids don't (or even can't) fully launch until they are around age 30 nowadays"
Can't fully launch until 30? How about won't .... OMG that is crazy! and that is what is wrong with society now!!
No offense but holy crap 30 and just getting ready to start their life? When I was 30 my child was 12 years old. Parents should A.) Never be putting their life on hold because they have a 25 or 30 year that can't get it together. and B. never be encouraging their kids to live home that long. I don't understand that line of thinking. I have been on my own since I was 18. I think kids are waiting way to long to start their lives and expecting support from their parents for way too long !!! When is it their parents turn??
Now take a step situation that makes things even harder. Asking a partner to deal with anyone's adult children living with them is asking a lot!!
I understand maybe waiting until your kids are out of high school but beyond that NO WAY! If you make it too comfortable for them they will never go and the normal circle of life is they have got to go!!! And 30 is way way way past time!! 22 - 23 tops and that is even pushing it! I am more comfortable with 21 and they don't come back after they go to college. only for vacations during college when the dorms are closed, but never come back to live!! Just my opinion and the way life used to be.
Oh, yeah. I've heard it called adultolescence, the ages from about 20 to age 29. And, I agree. That is what I meant by kids don't launch, pretty much meaning they won't. But, to be nice I threw the "or can't" in there. And, yes, given that, it certainly does make navigating step-world even harder.
Otherwise, I'm with you. I was out of my house and on my own when I was 19. But, times are different these days. That doesn't excuse adultolescence, but it is just recognizing it is there. From my perspective the thing that bugs me the most about the ages 20 to 29 being a huge cross-over, who knows what you're going to get period from adolescence to adulthood, is that in the business environment, you can easily be 40 YO, let's say, and wind up with a 24 YO boss. So, not only do you have generational differences, but your so-called boss may not even be a true adult yet! Now that is a hard pill to swallow.
I don't know. If someone had shown me a video of what the future would be, I certainly would have had to think very hard about whether to go ahead. We are happy now, but for the first decade with DH, NPD BM and the SDs caused me such heartache and mental ill health, that I might have just thought it wasn't worth it.
But the thing is, I separated from my ExH when I was 44 - not many men around who don't have kids at that age, and a lot of single men in their 40s - there are reasons why they are still single, and have no kids, which might make them not good partner material. So if you want a partner, you are essentially between a rock and a hard place.
Yes, this - I met DH at 44 and few people didn't have kids then. Plus, for me - the actual KID was never the issue, it was BM. If I had it to do all over again, I would still marry DH - but I would not support so much court battling around SS. 10 years in, we are happy, but we had some rough times.
I don't think men with kids are the issue - it's crazy BMs and poor parenting that are the issues.
I was also in my early 40's when I was ready to date again after my divorce. There are very, very few single men without kids. I tried only dating men without kids and while many were nice people, there were clear reasons why they were single/without kids.
I did turn down dating several men because they had kids. I finally took a chance with my now SO. He also had a crazy ex. But he's a great, boundary enforcing father. While it's not been always easy, I would definitely do it again.
But it's really about who your partner is. So many of the DHs on here are not anyone I could be with because they are boundary challenged.
Same - my DH was a good parent and never expected me to pick up his slack, and never allowed SS to mistreat me. Our relationship would not have lasted if he did.
I agree. When I met DH I was a 50 year old widow with a teenage son. I was looking for someone that i could laugh with and do things with and if that led to something so be it. I knew he had a young son but at the time he lived with BM and DH had a visit every other Saturday. Then when DH and I got a little more serious BM thought it was a good idea to have him overnight every other weekend which put a slight kink in things. The when we got married it was every holiday, the entire summer and every other weekend. I get that she is entitled to a break but never once was I asked if any of this worked for me. It really doesn't. I didn't plan on raising another child. BM is deplorable, and the polar opposite of the mother that I am. I should have spoken up early on and made my position clear but I didn't.
I love my DH and can't imagine life without him, but wish I knew then what I was getting into.
I met my DH in my mid-30s and even at that age, there were a lot of men with children in the dating pool. Some were divorced and a few were single, but I went on so many dates with men with children or connected with men with children through dating apps, friends, etc. When I met DH and he told me that he had children, I almost told him I wasn't interested, but there was something so sweet about his personality that I gave him a chance. It also helped that I found him very attractive, because not everyone in that age-range has aged well, either.
I guess at the end of the day, everyone brings their baggage to a relationship. However, with divorced parents, they not only bring their own baggage, but their baggage brings baggage and that baggage brings baggage, too....
But I'm not the type to sit back and let people walk over me or use me. I have no problem speaking up and dealing with crap head on. No kid, BM or man will ever be allowed to disrespect me.
Ss was aloof but in reality rude, disrespectful and abusive and enjoyed dishing out that treatment and hubby was too chicken shit to tolerate it.
it wasn’t until my daughter was born 4 yrs ago i really saw the reality and I broke down. About 2 yrs later i really started standing up for myself because so many boundaries have been disrespected by 3 skids and it upsets hubby that me and our 2 kids (2.5 &4) do not want to be around skids.
hubby has been forced to address things but my biggest issue is he’s too chicken shit to lay down the law with his kids. He has gotten better but its the active changes. He thinks because he told off his kids about bad behaviour of theirs and treatment of us and they so-called apologized that this means we all feel sorry for them and have them stay with us for a holiday. I haven’t seen or had any contact with them in 16months!! Why the hell would i want to force myself go on a holiday with them??
negative. Holidays are to connect and enjoy one anothers company.
how enjoyable is it when skids actively ignore you and pretend you and our 2 kids (their half siblings) do notnexist unless its for show for hubby for brownie points then rant on about bio mum and stepdad non stop, then ignore us and act so restrained and reserved and it just makes you wonder why go on holiday if this is how you’ll behave
don’t get me started how the evening before they change their plans and i am never told or consulted about it till we are leaving the house so I cannot argue with hubby. Then they are late and piss fart around with their time delaying us just to make it about them.
I have kids, so how could I have expected a man to take on my baggage if he had none? - that is how I looked at it. At the time, I also viewed step kids as bonus kids. That is not how it's turned out - his kids are nothing positive to me; nor are they are negative. But he could not be such a great stepdad if he were not also a dad, is my opinion.
But - a single childless woman signing on for a man and all his baggage - NO WAY.
Wow!! There is some major league crapola advice out there for single women dating men with children. Some of it is the most me-first, sexist advice I ever read. You can easily read between the lines and tell that it is all about dad and his kids, with dad's flavor-of-the-week stuck, several feet behind, towing all of their baggage. https://www.eharmony.com.au/dating-advice/dating/dating-a-man-with-kids
Here is what #4 says: "It's their house. Just because you are going out with their dad, you can’t stroll around his house like you own the joint. Familiarity breeds contempt, and if you get too familiar in the residence the children consider their own you’ll earn their contempt. If you stay the night and the kids are there too, loud sex is not going to win you any brownie points. Public displays of affection across a bowl of cornflakes in the morning will make them spew. Discretion is the name of the game in the place they call home. AND they get to watch what they want on TV. Very important."
Yes, single women who date a dad with children are all out just for a good loud bang with dad in the pm, playing footsie with dad in the am, across a bowl of conflakes nonetheless, and letting the kids own the telly all the way. You come over for a date with dad, and apparently you have to watch episode after episode of South Park. Either that, or move into the bedroom with pops for pm mode. I'd hope to God that every woman on this planet would have more respect for themselves than that. If future SMs are truly treated that way while they are dating dad, then I can see why the step-kids would hate her--dad already set her up for that. Big time.
SO, since this appears to be how at least some available men with children (and perhaps most?) view single women, then I'd have to say never, ever should a single woman date a man with kids. Apparently, according to the author, "available" dads only have one of two thoughts going on in their head at any given moment: Their children and their pecker, and not necessarily in that order.
Spot on!!! "Apparently, according to the author, "available" dads only have one of two thoughts going on in their head at any given moment: Their children and their pecker, and not necessarily in that order."
Was quite a treat! JUST KIDDING!!!! What a crock! YA, if i follow all of their 'rules', become a complete doormat and lose my identity, everything should be just hunky-dory.
A few excerpts:
"Rule 1. The kids come first. You wouldn’t want to go out with a man who put you before the needs of his kids. Give him the space to be a caring dad and he will love you for it."
"Rule 2. Meet the children when they’re ready, and not before. At some point the children will become curious about who dad is dating if it looks like it is going to be an ongoing affair. Let them WANT to meet you." When you're 90.
"Rule 3. Don’t even think about trying to be their new mummy. Sure, you have a right to be treated with respect as someone special in their father’s life, but don’t be surprised if they don’t warm to you immediately. And the easiest way to ensure they stay frosty is to try bossing them around."
"Rule 4. It's their house. Familiarity breeds contempt, and if you get too familiar in the residence the children consider their own you’ll earn their contempt."
Gaslighting to the extreme. God help you if you want to be treated like a human being! By the way, this was written by a man who is giving advice to SMs.
1. Most Important. BM is remarried and totally involved in her own life and says the F out of DH’s doings. Very little contact with DH and only short need to know Conversations preferably by email.
2. Step kids are Disciplined! No spoiled Entitled brats. A DH that will not allow his kids to Disrespect his Significant other. Step kids that can Entertain themselves and DO NOT need daddy’s Constant attention 24/7
3. Under no circumstances a Disney daddy. No guilty daddy syndrome
If we had it to do over would we date someone with kids?
2nd question should single childless people not date people with kids.
So answer to the first. Many people with kids having it to do over may say no they wouldn't date someone with kids. I tend to lean towards that. Most likely I would say no but I must say that is based upon the kids I am dealing with. Who will never grow up and stop causing problems. I think I would evaluate the situation closer while dating. I also think the BM's stability plays a role too.
I think it is not a black and white answer. Definitely a gray area!!!
Now for the second part childless people dating people with kids, my experience is this often times works better than 2 sets of kids blending. This is provided the person with the kids has reasonable expectations for their kids. Again not black and white. I also think it works better when the man is the single one and the woman has the children. Just my experience again gray area not for all!!
I had refused to date men before I met my SO. Right now I wished I had walked away, but at the same time I am also grateful for who he is / what he has contributed to our r/ship. You will always be second priority to the kids. When your own kids come along (if you want them), he will probably be biased to his own due to guilt of only have one bio parent
It brings complexity to relationships, like this weekend is Valentine’s Day but unless we do something with the kids (he has them every weekend) we will have to delay any things to next week.
I would not date someone with kids, especially multiple kids. I also wouldn't marry someone who doesn't pay their debts or taxes on time. At this point, I would never marry again assuming things don't work out, as marriage has been the greatest source of stress and unhappiness in my life.
I was in my 40's when I married DH. Had a very nasty divorce with XDH and horrible experience with older adopted kids. I SHOULD have gotten my head together before ever marrying anyone. I had not dated many men with kids and if I did, it wan;t for very long, or I didn't have much exposure to their kids. So I had no idea about skids or the dynamics of Step parenting. In other words, I was just ignorant.
Society needs to change their overall view of divorced parents, Skids and step parents. It is NOT the Brady bunch!
Look, I really believe that childless people should all stick together, and people with kids should all stick together. I realise that bringing two sets of blended kids adds more layers of complications. But I just feel that if both parties has one or more kids, it evens the playing field. I walked into my relationship as a single, childless woman, and looking back, it was quite isolating. And then when the problems and tensions arose around the step-kid, my DH's family found it easier to point the finger at me. I was the one who 'had no idea' because I 'didn't have children'. It would be so satisfying to walk into a relationship with kids, and (if problems arise) be able to say "I know all about kids. I have my own. And trust me, yours are little sh*ts"." Now that I finally have my own child, if I were to split up with DH and re-enter the dating scene, I would probably want to choose someone with kids, because I wouldn't want them to feel like the outsider.
I do believe that I would have still dated my DH but I dont think I woulkd have ever married him or went deeper into the relationshsip and get attached to his kids. I would have kept my own place and still did my own things but not settled down and try to make this family work.
I would say dating between people with and w/o kids, sure, that can work. The single, no-kids person can retreat to their place, only see the other person when the kids aren't around, etc.
Marry or shacking-up would be a different answer. There seem to be more couples (childless people and people with kids, and both people with kids) who struggle when bringing the two households together than there seem to be couples who are able to make it work. I would say generally people with kids should not marry again until their kids are fully launched (and properly prepare them so there's no baggage they'd bring to a remarriage of their parent). And, yes, I did not follow that advice and now believe it would have been better to just have dated instead of married while kids were around.
No, I wouldn't do it again. Too much added stress that I didn't need. Too much unnecessary drama that I shouldn't have dealt with. I think for the time being, I will remain single until my youngest(DS7 months) is grown lol. I wouldn't want to get involved with anymore men with kids. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Nor, do I think or would even want to find a man without kids. It wouldn't be fair to him.
“Nor do I think or would even want to find a man without kids. It wouldn't be fair to him." Thank you for recognizing that lack of fairness, because a lot of people don’t. They just think that the bioless wife (or husband) is supposed to suck it up and take it. There is very little recognition from pretty much anyone, other than a step-parent, of the bonafide unfairness of such a situation, and, for some !@#$!@# reason, it is all about initial family members doing whatever the heck they want, while SM sucks it all in and looks the other way. Death by a thousand paper cuts! Absolutely unfair and asinine. Yet. . . for some reason this God awful sexist stereotype from the 1820s still exists in 2020.
"Death by a thousand paper cuts!" No words could more accurately describe the last 25 years of my life than these.
I've spent the best years of my life helping to support and raise someone else's children. Gave up my dreams to live someone else's. Think long and hard about what you're getting into. If I could do it all over again, I would run the other way.
Yes: I grew up in extended family which consists of step grandma, step mothers and step fathers. Never noticed any issues. I always believed that whoever married to your paternal(she s your mother ) or maternal mother( he s your father). Besides, kids are blessings from God.
No. If I knew what BM/DH characters are, parental disfunctional. I wouldn't walk through this journey.
No. I had a very happy first marriage and we had no children. I did not meet DH's kids until we were very serious, engaged, and living together because he was in a very bitter divorce and custody fight. In both relationships we were everything to each other and it never occurred to me that it would be any different when he finally got custody of his children. In my experience, adults ran the family and children did as they were told. When his custody was resolved and child-centric crazy descended I thought it was temporary insanity. Had I known I would have never had the first dinner with him. I love him but it just has not been worth the years of chaos.
This is my first time metioning this, but: this isn't my first rodeo.
I had 3 SDs in my last relationship and loved two of them. The oldest was a biotch but she never came around. Their father was the problem, I couldn't stand him. Hence dumpola.
So I went into my current relationship very optimistic indeed. But now I love DH and hate the SD.
If this relationship doesn't work out, I'm done. Only because I'm too old and worn out for more drama. If I was younger I would probably try again.
ETA: I was not childless when DH and I got together but my kids were almost grown.
No. Never again would I ever date someone with kids. People with kids should date others who also have kids. They have no business involving child free people. Way too much drama. I might add as easy as it is to blame BM (I used to do that too) the problem is most likely your DH too.
I had a very happy first marriage when I was younger. Neither of us had children. Unfortunately he passed away from a horrible illness (cancer). My second marriage is a disaster due to rude, spoiled stepkids, BM drama, over bearing weird MIL, and DH's overly permissive parenting and never taking up for me. His ex and his mother had no respect for me nor our marriage nor our space. We are divorcing and I cannot wait to move out and be free of this toxic mess.
I had a very happy first marriage also, my partner passed away in an accident. Unfortunetely involved with a man for 7 yrs now who has a 12yr old devil boy who lies , steals , vandelises my belongings , maipulates ,, the BM is a headcase who seems to dictate evrything and my SO runs around doing everything and Im left with the 'crumbs' of a man that is left. A big fat NO to dating with kids ,, unlesss they are older and independant. My SO never had a problem with my 18yr son, hes never had to do anything with him or no parental duties / schooling etc, i did everything on parenting my own son even though we all live together, i never expected my SO to do it for me. Ive recently had to disengage from the skid as he was making my life hell! best thing i ever did was step back from all that and let the bio parents clean up their own mess
Nope! Men and women should have "damaged goods" tattoo'd across their foreheads that can't be removed until their child is grown and financially independent.
I'm joking, of course, but I realize now that I could have done much, MUCH better, as is the case with most single - childless people. Single parents come to the first date already dressed in their wedding attire. They're desperate because of their - or their babymomma/daddies - failures. Of course, we all don't realize that until it's MUCH too late.
It's not something I would recommend a childless person to rush into. A lot of people (me included) married too early into the relationship believing that things will fix themselves over time. Wrong. If you can't sort out an acceptable dynamic before getting married, and hold it steady over an extended period of time without relapsing, save yourself the time and just end it.
I watch my brother and his wife in their early 30s. They're getting ready for baby number 1. It's both their first and they're so excited, equally so being first time parents and everything. They've got their mortgage under control, all their hard work is paying off and they're reaping the rewards. Money isn't disappearing into a black hole suporting a crazy ex and poisoned kid. Down the track there'll be no estranged adult children appearing out of the woodwork to claim a chunk of their inheritance. What's theirs is just theirs. It would be nice if that's in my own future, but it's not.
Even if the skids are basically good, it's a fundamentally uneven relationship that breeds contempt and resentment. Love my DH immensely...would 1000% travel back in time and distract sweet, naive, 25-year-old me until DH had gone past (I almost literally "bumped" into him at a conference.)
This. I love them all dearly, but way too many variables.I came into the marriage with one kid, but I was self sufficient and lived autonomously. Though there have been benefits ;knowing what I know now I wouldn't have done it again. I would have wished them all the best and stayed focus on my kid and myself.
No, I would not. I had no baggage when we met and he had 2 exes and 3 kids. He's been pretty fair but looking back, I can't think of one warm, fuzzy moment with the SKids. They're out of the house now but it's even more challenging to deal with adults.
I love my husband and we have a decent life until SD's enter the picture occassionally and then all my regrets start swirling in my mind. If I knew then what I know now, nope. I would have stayed a single Mom, raised my children and lived my own life. No man worth this headache in my opinion. I would give it all up to not have to deal with BM and SD's!!
This is something I have learned the hard way. When you meet a potential partner don't rush into anything - especially if they have kids. Take time to get to know them and know all about them; their personality, work ethic, history with other women, display of affection. Meet their family to observe how they grew up and patterns they learned. Does he show respect for you? Does he make little 'jokes' where you feel put down? How do they treat you in front of the skids? Do they insist the skids respect you? Does he show guilt over the divorce? Does he handle money well? Do you make more than he does after child support is deducted? Is he emotionally available? Will he protect you? There you when you need him? Does he sexually satisfy you? Is he generous? Do you have similar interests?
Have you ever heard the term, "You will grow together"? It's a fallacy. If he is lacking in something that is important to you, it will be magnified after you marry him. If he has kids, it will only add one other element into the equation.
As we've discovered many times on Steptalk, it isn't so much about the skids, it's how DH parents them. When the skids are grown, you can choose to have a relationship with them or not. But if you choose the wrong DH it is a whole different ball game.
Never marry nor move in with someone until you've known them for at least a couple of years closely on a daily basis. Are they a good parent? Do they correct their kids when they are disrespectful or do they ignore it? How do they treat you on a daily basis? Do they have a bad temper, lash out at you when they are in a bad mood or things are not going well? Do they gaslight you? Do they have any known addictions (alcohol, pot, pills, sex, porn, gambling, shopping, etc.)? Are they trustworthy? Have you caught them lying to you? Do they have healthy boundaries with their ex, mother, in laws, etc.? Do they treat you respectfully? Are they financially responsible? Do they have any known debts and if so on what? Do they live paycheck ot paycheck? Do their children have any known behavioral issues? Are their children spoiled, coddled or disrespectful kids in general and it is rarely addressed? Why did their last relationship end? (and please do not believe only their/their family's side of the story, it takes two). If someone has more than one fairly recent failed relationship approach with caution especially if they share children with that person. These are some issues that come up and can destory a fairly marriage quickly. People marry and move in thinking love will conquer all. It does not. Please do not be that naive. Also never put your resources and future into the black hole (spoiled step brats, previous debts they've accumulated, an over pirced mortgage). Be smart.
Life is much better without the entitled stepkids, weird ex, and vicious mother in law. Child free men are the way to a good life. Even when the stepkids grow up there are still so many issues.
My first marriage was a trainwreck. Being married to a black widow cavern crotched adulterous skank whore forunately allowed me to avoid poluting my gene pool with her.
My second marriage (25+ years and counting) is amazing. When she agreed to spend her life together with me she made me a dad. I would not trade a thing. My first marriage experiences are part of what makes me who I am. My DW being a single teen mom and her life before me are what make her who she is and the woman I love beyond imagination. What we bring to the table as individuals is what makes us work and what has allowed us to raise our son to viable adulthood. (Our son is my former SS-27 who asked me to adopt him when he was 22. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo).
So, I would say... it depends on the quality of person that the breeder is who is bringing a child to a relationship with a childless SParent and ... their qualities as a parent. Do they raise their child with standards of behavior and performance or do they raise feral entitled spe-cial little toxic breeding trophies?
I would have not moved SO in until the SK, were out of HS. I would have kept it so they remained guests in my home. I have already told him until they are adults I am not getting married. I have decided I am keeping my house and not buying a home together. I absolutely love him and do not want to be with anyone else. But, I have had to disengage from his children and BM. I have already told him that when my BS graduates I am selling my house and taking a different position at my employment and moving. He is more than welcome to come with me. But, once I no longer have to raise my son, the same goes for SKs who will also be out of HS. If they dont have thier lives together at that point it is not my problem.
I think there are very very few cases where getting involved with a parent can work out ok:
If you already know the BM (my cousin is SM to kids where the BM was a college friend and both have very chilled out drama-free personalities)
If you desperately want kids but can't have your own and can realistically love someone else's child just as hard (a friend of mine will put up with literally ANYTHING from her SS/SD because being a mother in any capacity was all she wanted in life and she loves them like her own)
If the BM/BF is not around at all (eloped, dead, whatever) and you raise them from a very young age so they consider you their parent.
Both of you have kids and start the relationship on equal grounds (you will have the same challenges and at least understand what the other is going through).
If the childless partner does not want their own children (so no jealousy there) AND they remain unmarried and AND live apart while the child is young AND have their own finances/life away from the parent. Basically, everything is kept seperate as if you've just begun dating. The step-kids therefore get to feel like they have their mom/dad all to themselves while growing up, the step-parent never has to play skivvy/nanny in their own home, or deal with BM drama, if the BM doesn't know the new partner exists then they'll have less reason to cause issues, and the parent can focus entirely on the child when they are visiting. My grandfather did this with his second wife. We had no idea she existed for years and were all grown adults with our own lives when we finally met her. We assumed he was single and lonely for over a decade and by that point we were the ones pestering HIM to get remarried. Then he comes out with 'my girlfriend isn't worried about marriage right now!' They finally tied the knot when she turned 50 and it was adorable. Everyone was/is very welcoming towards her and there was no awkward 'how much of a parent should I act' dynamics.
Otherwise, no. No, no, and hell no. Do not do it! I say this based on not only my own experience after 20 years but that of multiple other step-parents I've known. If the BM is around, you will always be her unpaid servant/nanny. It seems to be far worse when the parent is female. I've seen a few step-dads make it work, as the BF just disappeared. But women can be psychotic when it comes to control, anger and jealousy. It just isn't worth the stress. Parenting your own kids is difficult enough, but at least you get some reward at the end. And the bond is much stronger as they are your blood and you chose to create them.
Don't sacrifice your life and happiness to raise some other woman's kids with a part time husband. You will never be put first as a wife.
Yes I would do it again with my dh........Knowing then what I know now, Haaaa many things would have been done differently regarding bm and her kids. WE figured things out...much of which we learned here on ST.
I can say with utmost certainty, my dh feels the same.
I really would say it depends on the SO you're considering. If he is supportive of you and covers you in areas related to the skids and BM (especially if high conflict), takes your opinions into account, and just generally treats you well, then its worth it to me.
If I wasn't in love and my DH wasn't as sweet and caring as he is, I wouldn't be here. Because even though he does everything I mentioned, there are still plenty of struggles between tough emotions and drama with the HCBM. It is definitely difficult at times..sometimes it feels like its difficult more often than not. It just comes down to deciding if you love someone enough or if loving them is worth going through some difficult times.
But if they are putting in effort, then getting through the difficult times is what a successful marriage is all about. Every marriage will go through difficult times, granted being a stepmom is the most difficult thing I've ever done, but my DH is worth it.
Old proverb: Known Devil is better than Unknown Angel. I have two adult SDs who don't like me. They have never said it, but I can feel it. We all just seem to "tolerate" each other. I would definitely marry my DH again despite that. Our 30 years together have been, for the most part, great. We are highly compatible and we genuinely like to be in each other's company. We ran a business together and we worked side by side, everyday. Now we are retired and we're enjoying all of the benefits of the lifestyle that we worked so diligently to obtain. He's been a wonderfully supportive husband, and has stepped up to the plate in my defense with his daughters when he needed to. I know exactly where I stand with everyone in his family. His parents love me. I get along extremely well with all of his siblings. I love my DH to pieces.
Would I marry a man with children ever again? Absolutely NOT! No way, no how...just NO. My Stepdaughters have supplied me enough drama and pain in my life to last me through 10 reincarnations. I am done with the ideology that Stepchildren, Stepgrandchildren, Stepdogs, whatever, can live harmoniously! Done with that fantasy! If someone without children of their own wants my advice as to whether or not getting involved with a man with children is a good idea, I would steer them in another direction. As a matter of fact, I'd probably tell them to RUN!
I love my SD, would die for her without hesitation and I'm very happy with our blended family life. That being said, I don't suggest the Step-Lifestyle. Both of my parents passed away before I was 25, and I have a long history of abuse and being a step-mom is seriously the hardest challenge I have ever taken on. It is mentally exhausting all the time. It takes a serious amount of trust, willingness, and compromise to be in a relationship with someone who already has kids. Forever. Because kids are FOREVER.
Not just anyone. If it was with my incredible bride raising my great SKid, in a heartbeat I would do it again.
I did date a 4 single moms before I met my DW. Two were decent parents and stable successful women. One was a train wreck. One was someone no one should want to be anywhere near. Her kid was great. When he was 12, he told his mom he was leaving and going to the Middle East with his dad, SM, and his baby sister. She was beyond salvage.
If my marriage ended, shudder, I would likely not re-marry and I would likely not engage in a relationship with someone who had kids, definitely not minor children, and with adult kids only if the kids passed muster and the woman was not kid/Gkid immersed.
I have told DD20 to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever date a guy with brats. I told her 1) no widowers; 2) no guys with some other broad's kids; and 3) no guys who are raising kids or have guardianship over kids. With any of these three scenarios, a woman is setting herself up to be a distant second. You can never live up to a dead woman, so that disqualifies any widowers, and I can't even begin to list all the bullshit that comes with a man with kids. No how, no way!
If I could have a do-over, no I wouldn't have gotten married or ever moved in as long as SS20 is living there. The way he is and the way hubs is with him is such a turn off. I don't think this kid is ever going to leave our home. Why should he when he doesn't have to do anything at all?
Easy to say with hindsight, however I can't help but wonder how different things may have turned out for me if I'd just listened to that little voice all those years ago that said "there may be trouble ahead ........" It was there alright, I just smothered it because I knew better.......
YES!!!!!! No matter what I am so glad I found my DH! We have had so many fights, battle of wills and ruined evenings becuase of him having a child but in the end the good outweighs the bad! And each year we are together things are getting better and better. We both had to learn how to handle things when she was here. He is VERY defensive when it comes to her and I hated how our dynamic changed on the days she was with us. But as she is gettign older everything is getting more "normal" on her visits.
Now I am lucky that he only had one child, a girl that was 10 when we met (shes now 16). If he had 3 or more children or if they were very young I dont know how I would have felt about starting a relationship with him.
It's a really tough life for sure. I was single for about 5 years when I met now DH. I had dated casually for the most part and enjoyed my life with my sons. DH brought a ton of bagagge with the issues with BM/SD. During that time I would say it wasn't worth it. We survived it though, we had lived together quite some time. We married after 10 years together when all our kids were over 18. Now, if someone is single/no kids I HIGHLY suggest not dating a parent. People with kids can date other people with kids and deal w/eachothers messes lol.
I think the answer to that question is....Fu$K NO!. Life is to short, there are far too many people out there to decide to put up camp with someone that has children. F that shit is what I say and run for a F'ing mile, leave it to someone else to deal with, it is far to complicated.
I wish I had googled being a step parent and found this site a long long time ago. I was (not even that young) but defininetly naive about it all.
I have given so much to my relationship, and no matter how much my partner says she has given / put up with, it isn't the same as having to raise, which I have, 2 other step children who have emotional issues.
As a child free woman who's just getting out of a relationship with a single dad... I look at it like this...
Would you rather...
Order food to go, take a nice peaceful drive to pick up your dinner, no line in the restaurant, pay and then get home with your perfect, delicious meal...just the way you wanted it
Or....
You could order your food, huge hassle ordering too, drive to pick it up, get stuck in traffic. Arrive to pick up your food and there's a huge line. Loud annoying people behind you, bumping into you. You get up the cashier and realize you forgot your card. Then you have to drive back home, then back to the resteruant, then you finally pick up your food and bring it home only to find out they got your order wrong but you take a bite anyway and it's disgusting
Dating someone without a kid is scenario #1. Dating someone with a kid is scenero #2. Why go through the inconvenience, hassle and complications for a cr*ppy outcome when you could have something simple and enjoyable and actually get the end result you want?
It makes me a bit sad to say
It makes me a bit sad to say this, but yes, I honestly think that childless single people should avoid dating people with kids. I love my DH and when his kids are not around, our relationship is great, but kids bring such complications to things. Also, if a person has not worked through all their dysfunction and developed healthy emotional boundaries, healthy expectations, and an understanding of what a strong relationship needs and how that relates to children or other complications, then it really will be trying to the stepparent. No one wants and no one expects to play second fiddle or be a non-entity in their own home, yet society expects stepparents to accept that with a smile on their face. It can be exhausting, especially if BM is high conflict, has control issues, or hasn't moved on from the divorce.
This!
This!
No!
Do not do it, skids are absolutely horrible especially the ones with BM that don't discipline or set rules and responsibilities! Your life will be hell and you will always have to deal with someone else's disasters.
Brilliant
I can't tell you how much I needed to read this right now. Thank you.
I totally agree. Not saying I
I totally agree. Not saying I don't love my husband. But all of my friends who are starting to "think" about meeting a guy with kids... I tell them ALL the things that come along with it. And to run. I was also 25 when I met DH. I honestly feel like if I were older, I probably wouldn't have dated him.
No I would not.
No I would not.
If I could go back to my
If I could go back to my twenties/thirties, no I would not date men with children.
The older I get the more I agree with the stance that divorced/single parents should should STAY single, focus on raising their kids, launch them, and THEN find a new partner. There are just too many stories here of parents who want to dump their kids on the new gf, or expect the new bf to open his wallet and be a father figure, or haven't worked through their issues from their last marriage, etc. Too many people who are already shacked up with the new Mr or Miss Right before the divorce is even final or custody has been worked out. People who haven't handled their business, established a working coparenting arrangement, or ensured their kids are adjusting well before jumping into their next mistake with some naive easy mark.
Parents should focus more on raising their kids to be successful adults and less on finding a new bedwarmer/nanny/bill payer. There would be far less collateral damage of they did.
You know, I’ve got a kid now
You know, I’ve got a kid now and I COMPLETELY agree with you.
Things have been rough with DH lately & I’ve decided if we were to split I’d stay single as long as humanly possible. Years. Decades. Focus on my kid, on myself, and just ENJOY my life. Men have always brought drama to my life & my DH has been no different. I’d rather be alone than unhappy, and I don’t want my baggage becoming someone else’s drama.
OP to answer your question, if I could do it again the answer would be NO.
That's what DH and I did. We
That's what DH and I did. We didn't marry or move in together until the last kids were out of high school, and mostly launched.
Or so we thought. We each had one boomerang back. At the same time.
But, yeah, I'd do it again. But I'd not ignore the miniwife and disney dad guilt warning signs.
I agree, but that is getting
I agree, but that is getting to be a big problem, because a lot of kids don't (or even can't) fully launch until they are around age 30 nowadays. I believe this makes more sense when both partners have children. Maybe it'd be no problem for them to wait 10+ years or even more to marry. And, I worked with a woman who, like you, did the same and this worked out well for her and her partner. But if one of the partners is childless, nope.. I don't think there are too many who would hang on that long just waiting; nor should they. And, adulthood of the SKs is no guarantee of blended family bliss in and of itself.
Wait... What? Did I read that right?
"I agree, but that is getting to be a big problem, because a lot of kids don't (or even can't) fully launch until they are around age 30 nowadays"
Can't fully launch until 30? How about won't .... OMG that is crazy! and that is what is wrong with society now!!
No offense but holy crap 30 and just getting ready to start their life? When I was 30 my child was 12 years old. Parents should A.) Never be putting their life on hold because they have a 25 or 30 year that can't get it together. and B. never be encouraging their kids to live home that long. I don't understand that line of thinking. I have been on my own since I was 18. I think kids are waiting way to long to start their lives and expecting support from their parents for way too long !!! When is it their parents turn??
Now take a step situation that makes things even harder. Asking a partner to deal with anyone's adult children living with them is asking a lot!!
I understand maybe waiting until your kids are out of high school but beyond that NO WAY! If you make it too comfortable for them they will never go and the normal circle of life is they have got to go!!! And 30 is way way way past time!! 22 - 23 tops and that is even pushing it! I am more comfortable with 21 and they don't come back after they go to college. only for vacations during college when the dorms are closed, but never come back to live!! Just my opinion and the way life used to be.
Oh, yeah. I've heard it
Oh, yeah. I've heard it called adultolescence, the ages from about 20 to age 29. And, I agree. That is what I meant by kids don't launch, pretty much meaning they won't. But, to be nice I threw the "or can't" in there. And, yes, given that, it certainly does make navigating step-world even harder.
Otherwise, I'm with you. I was out of my house and on my own when I was 19. But, times are different these days. That doesn't excuse adultolescence, but it is just recognizing it is there. From my perspective the thing that bugs me the most about the ages 20 to 29 being a huge cross-over, who knows what you're going to get period from adolescence to adulthood, is that in the business environment, you can easily be 40 YO, let's say, and wind up with a 24 YO boss. So, not only do you have generational differences, but your so-called boss may not even be a true adult yet! Now that is a hard pill to swallow.
I don't know. If someone had
I don't know. If someone had shown me a video of what the future would be, I certainly would have had to think very hard about whether to go ahead. We are happy now, but for the first decade with DH, NPD BM and the SDs caused me such heartache and mental ill health, that I might have just thought it wasn't worth it.
But the thing is, I separated from my ExH when I was 44 - not many men around who don't have kids at that age, and a lot of single men in their 40s - there are reasons why they are still single, and have no kids, which might make them not good partner material. So if you want a partner, you are essentially between a rock and a hard place.
Yes, this - I met DH at 44
Yes, this - I met DH at 44 and few people didn't have kids then. Plus, for me - the actual KID was never the issue, it was BM. If I had it to do all over again, I would still marry DH - but I would not support so much court battling around SS. 10 years in, we are happy, but we had some rough times.
I don't think men with kids are the issue - it's crazy BMs and poor parenting that are the issues.
Have to agree
I was also in my early 40's when I was ready to date again after my divorce. There are very, very few single men without kids. I tried only dating men without kids and while many were nice people, there were clear reasons why they were single/without kids.
I did turn down dating several men because they had kids. I finally took a chance with my now SO. He also had a crazy ex. But he's a great, boundary enforcing father. While it's not been always easy, I would definitely do it again.
But it's really about who your partner is. So many of the DHs on here are not anyone I could be with because they are boundary challenged.
Same - my DH was a good
Same - my DH was a good parent and never expected me to pick up his slack, and never allowed SS to mistreat me. Our relationship would not have lasted if he did.
And the common denominator is
And the common denominator is...... men/women with kids.
I agree
I agree. When I met DH I was a 50 year old widow with a teenage son. I was looking for someone that i could laugh with and do things with and if that led to something so be it. I knew he had a young son but at the time he lived with BM and DH had a visit every other Saturday. Then when DH and I got a little more serious BM thought it was a good idea to have him overnight every other weekend which put a slight kink in things. The when we got married it was every holiday, the entire summer and every other weekend. I get that she is entitled to a break but never once was I asked if any of this worked for me. It really doesn't. I didn't plan on raising another child. BM is deplorable, and the polar opposite of the mother that I am. I should have spoken up early on and made my position clear but I didn't.
I love my DH and can't imagine life without him, but wish I knew then what I was getting into.
Yes
Agree it isn't easy to find older men without kids. Still I would not date anyone with young kids for sure.
And Yes, I would still partner with SO even knowing what I know now about Bratty McBratFace. We are happy and Bratty is not in my orbit anymore.
I met my DH in my mid-30s and
I met my DH in my mid-30s and even at that age, there were a lot of men with children in the dating pool. Some were divorced and a few were single, but I went on so many dates with men with children or connected with men with children through dating apps, friends, etc. When I met DH and he told me that he had children, I almost told him I wasn't interested, but there was something so sweet about his personality that I gave him a chance. It also helped that I found him very attractive, because not everyone in that age-range has aged well, either.
I guess at the end of the day, everyone brings their baggage to a relationship. However, with divorced parents, they not only bring their own baggage, but their baggage brings baggage and that baggage brings baggage, too....
Absolutely
Absolutely
But I'm not the type to sit back and let people walk over me or use me. I have no problem speaking up and dealing with crap head on. No kid, BM or man will ever be allowed to disrespect me.
For me i could not see the truth in the early days
Ss was aloof but in reality rude, disrespectful and abusive and enjoyed dishing out that treatment and hubby was too chicken shit to tolerate it.
it wasn’t until my daughter was born 4 yrs ago i really saw the reality and I broke down. About 2 yrs later i really started standing up for myself because so many boundaries have been disrespected by 3 skids and it upsets hubby that me and our 2 kids (2.5 &4) do not want to be around skids.
hubby has been forced to address things but my biggest issue is he’s too chicken shit to lay down the law with his kids. He has gotten better but its the active changes. He thinks because he told off his kids about bad behaviour of theirs and treatment of us and they so-called apologized that this means we all feel sorry for them and have them stay with us for a holiday. I haven’t seen or had any contact with them in 16months!! Why the hell would i want to force myself go on a holiday with them??
Avoid going on holidays with
Avoid going on holidays with stepkids at all costs. These types of "vacations" rarely ever go well and often destroy even the healthiest of marriages.
You are so right. The moment skids are in our car vibe is
negative. Holidays are to connect and enjoy one anothers company.
how enjoyable is it when skids actively ignore you and pretend you and our 2 kids (their half siblings) do notnexist unless its for show for hubby for brownie points then rant on about bio mum and stepdad non stop, then ignore us and act so restrained and reserved and it just makes you wonder why go on holiday if this is how you’ll behave
don’t get me started how the evening before they change their plans and i am never told or consulted about it till we are leaving the house so I cannot argue with hubby. Then they are late and piss fart around with their time delaying us just to make it about them.
Only if the baggage is equal!
I have kids, so how could I have expected a man to take on my baggage if he had none? - that is how I looked at it. At the time, I also viewed step kids as bonus kids. That is not how it's turned out - his kids are nothing positive to me; nor are they are negative. But he could not be such a great stepdad if he were not also a dad, is my opinion.
But - a single childless woman signing on for a man and all his baggage - NO WAY.
Wow!! There is some major
Wow!! There is some major league crapola advice out there for single women dating men with children. Some of it is the most me-first, sexist advice I ever read. You can easily read between the lines and tell that it is all about dad and his kids, with dad's flavor-of-the-week stuck, several feet behind, towing all of their baggage. https://www.eharmony.com.au/dating-advice/dating/dating-a-man-with-kids
Here is what #4 says: "It's their house. Just because you are going out with their dad, you can’t stroll around his house like you own the joint. Familiarity breeds contempt, and if you get too familiar in the residence the children consider their own you’ll earn their contempt. If you stay the night and the kids are there too, loud sex is not going to win you any brownie points. Public displays of affection across a bowl of cornflakes in the morning will make them spew. Discretion is the name of the game in the place they call home. AND they get to watch what they want on TV. Very important."
Yes, single women who date a dad with children are all out just for a good loud bang with dad in the pm, playing footsie with dad in the am, across a bowl of conflakes nonetheless, and letting the kids own the telly all the way. You come over for a date with dad, and apparently you have to watch episode after episode of South Park. Either that, or move into the bedroom with pops for pm mode. I'd hope to God that every woman on this planet would have more respect for themselves than that. If future SMs are truly treated that way while they are dating dad, then I can see why the step-kids would hate her--dad already set her up for that. Big time.
SO, since this appears to be how at least some available men with children (and perhaps most?) view single women, then I'd have to say never, ever should a single woman date a man with kids. Apparently, according to the author, "available" dads only have one of two thoughts going on in their head at any given moment: Their children and their pecker, and not necessarily in that order.
The Article
Spot on!!! "Apparently, according to the author, "available" dads only have one of two thoughts going on in their head at any given moment: Their children and their pecker, and not necessarily in that order."
Was quite a treat! JUST KIDDING!!!! What a crock! YA, if i follow all of their 'rules', become a complete doormat and lose my identity, everything should be just hunky-dory.
A few excerpts:
"Rule 1. The kids come first. You wouldn’t want to go out with a man who put you before the needs of his kids. Give him the space to be a caring dad and he will love you for it."
"Rule 2. Meet the children when they’re ready, and not before. At some point the children will become curious about who dad is dating if it looks like it is going to be an ongoing affair. Let them WANT to meet you." When you're 90.
"Rule 3. Don’t even think about trying to be their new mummy. Sure, you have a right to be treated with respect as someone special in their father’s life, but don’t be surprised if they don’t warm to you immediately. And the easiest way to ensure they stay frosty is to try bossing them around."
"Rule 4. It's their house. Familiarity breeds contempt, and if you get too familiar in the residence the children consider their own you’ll earn their contempt."
Gaslighting to the extreme. God help you if you want to be treated like a human being! By the way, this was written by a man who is giving advice to SMs.
Yes but ONLY under certain Circumstances
1. Most Important. BM is remarried and totally involved in her own life and says the F out of DH’s doings. Very little contact with DH and only short need to know Conversations preferably by email.
2. Step kids are Disciplined! No spoiled Entitled brats. A DH that will not allow his kids to Disrespect his Significant other. Step kids that can Entertain themselves and DO NOT need daddy’s Constant attention 24/7
3. Under no circumstances a Disney daddy. No guilty daddy syndrome
Your question is actually 2 separate questions.
If we had it to do over would we date someone with kids?
2nd question should single childless people not date people with kids.
So answer to the first. Many people with kids having it to do over may say no they wouldn't date someone with kids. I tend to lean towards that. Most likely I would say no but I must say that is based upon the kids I am dealing with. Who will never grow up and stop causing problems. I think I would evaluate the situation closer while dating. I also think the BM's stability plays a role too.
I think it is not a black and white answer. Definitely a gray area!!!
Now for the second part childless people dating people with kids, my experience is this often times works better than 2 sets of kids blending. This is provided the person with the kids has reasonable expectations for their kids. Again not black and white. I also think it works better when the man is the single one and the woman has the children. Just my experience again gray area not for all!!
No. Too much complexity
I had refused to date men before I met my SO. Right now I wished I had walked away, but at the same time I am also grateful for who he is / what he has contributed to our r/ship. You will always be second priority to the kids. When your own kids come along (if you want them), he will probably be biased to his own due to guilt of only have one bio parent
It brings complexity to relationships, like this weekend is Valentine’s Day but unless we do something with the kids (he has them every weekend) we will have to delay any things to next week.
No
I would not date someone with kids, especially multiple kids. I also wouldn't marry someone who doesn't pay their debts or taxes on time. At this point, I would never marry again assuming things don't work out, as marriage has been the greatest source of stress and unhappiness in my life.
Hell no
Hell no
No
I was in my 40's when I married DH. Had a very nasty divorce with XDH and horrible experience with older adopted kids. I SHOULD have gotten my head together before ever marrying anyone. I had not dated many men with kids and if I did, it wan;t for very long, or I didn't have much exposure to their kids. So I had no idea about skids or the dynamics of Step parenting. In other words, I was just ignorant.
Society needs to change their overall view of divorced parents, Skids and step parents. It is NOT the Brady bunch!
Look, I really believe that
Look, I really believe that childless people should all stick together, and people with kids should all stick together. I realise that bringing two sets of blended kids adds more layers of complications. But I just feel that if both parties has one or more kids, it evens the playing field. I walked into my relationship as a single, childless woman, and looking back, it was quite isolating. And then when the problems and tensions arose around the step-kid, my DH's family found it easier to point the finger at me. I was the one who 'had no idea' because I 'didn't have children'. It would be so satisfying to walk into a relationship with kids, and (if problems arise) be able to say "I know all about kids. I have my own. And trust me, yours are little sh*ts"." Now that I finally have my own child, if I were to split up with DH and re-enter the dating scene, I would probably want to choose someone with kids, because I wouldn't want them to feel like the outsider.
Not easy to answer
I do believe that I would have still dated my DH but I dont think I woulkd have ever married him or went deeper into the relationshsip and get attached to his kids. I would have kept my own place and still did my own things but not settled down and try to make this family work.
Difference between dating and marrying/shacking-up
I would say dating between people with and w/o kids, sure, that can work. The single, no-kids person can retreat to their place, only see the other person when the kids aren't around, etc.
Marry or shacking-up would be a different answer. There seem to be more couples (childless people and people with kids, and both people with kids) who struggle when bringing the two households together than there seem to be couples who are able to make it work. I would say generally people with kids should not marry again until their kids are fully launched (and properly prepare them so there's no baggage they'd bring to a remarriage of their parent). And, yes, I did not follow that advice and now believe it would have been better to just have dated instead of married while kids were around.
No, I wouldn't do it again.
No, I wouldn't do it again. Too much added stress that I didn't need. Too much unnecessary drama that I shouldn't have dealt with. I think for the time being, I will remain single until my youngest(DS7 months) is grown lol. I wouldn't want to get involved with anymore men with kids. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Nor, do I think or would even want to find a man without kids. It wouldn't be fair to him.
“. . .would even want to find
“Nor do I think or would even want to find a man without kids. It wouldn't be fair to him." Thank you for recognizing that lack of fairness, because a lot of people don’t. They just think that the bioless wife (or husband) is supposed to suck it up and take it. There is very little recognition from pretty much anyone, other than a step-parent, of the bonafide unfairness of such a situation, and, for some !@#$!@# reason, it is all about initial family members doing whatever the heck they want, while SM sucks it all in and looks the other way. Death by a thousand paper cuts! Absolutely unfair and asinine. Yet. . . for some reason this God awful sexist stereotype from the 1820s still exists in 2020.
Nonetheless, thank you.
Don't walk, RUN the other direction!
"Death by a thousand paper cuts!" No words could more accurately describe the last 25 years of my life than these.
I've spent the best years of my life helping to support and raise someone else's children. Gave up my dreams to live someone else's. Think long and hard about what you're getting into. If I could do it all over again, I would run the other way.
Yes & no!
Yes: I grew up in extended family which consists of step grandma, step mothers and step fathers. Never noticed any issues. I always believed that whoever married to your paternal(she s your mother ) or maternal mother( he s your father). Besides, kids are blessings from God.
No. If I knew what BM/DH characters are, parental disfunctional. I wouldn't walk through this journey.
No.
No. I had a very happy first marriage and we had no children. I did not meet DH's kids until we were very serious, engaged, and living together because he was in a very bitter divorce and custody fight. In both relationships we were everything to each other and it never occurred to me that it would be any different when he finally got custody of his children. In my experience, adults ran the family and children did as they were told. When his custody was resolved and child-centric crazy descended I thought it was temporary insanity. Had I known I would have never had the first dinner with him. I love him but it just has not been worth the years of chaos.
If we divorce I am never
If we divorce I am never doing this again. I have a 4 year old and will just stay single forever. I am not falling for the BS and lies again.
This is my first time
This is my first time metioning this, but: this isn't my first rodeo.
I had 3 SDs in my last relationship and loved two of them. The oldest was a biotch but she never came around. Their father was the problem, I couldn't stand him. Hence dumpola.
So I went into my current relationship very optimistic indeed. But now I love DH and hate the SD.
If this relationship doesn't work out, I'm done. Only because I'm too old and worn out for more drama. If I was younger I would probably try again.
ETA: I was not childless when DH and I got together but my kids were almost grown.
No. Never again would I ever
No. Never again would I ever date someone with kids. People with kids should date others who also have kids. They have no business involving child free people. Way too much drama. I might add as easy as it is to blame BM (I used to do that too) the problem is most likely your DH too.
I had a very happy first
I had a very happy first marriage when I was younger. Neither of us had children. Unfortunately he passed away from a horrible illness (cancer). My second marriage is a disaster due to rude, spoiled stepkids, BM drama, over bearing weird MIL, and DH's overly permissive parenting and never taking up for me. His ex and his mother had no respect for me nor our marriage nor our space. We are divorcing and I cannot wait to move out and be free of this toxic mess.
I had a very happy first
I had a very happy first marriage also, my partner passed away in an accident. Unfortunetely involved with a man for 7 yrs now who has a 12yr old devil boy who lies , steals , vandelises my belongings , maipulates ,, the BM is a headcase who seems to dictate evrything and my SO runs around doing everything and Im left with the 'crumbs' of a man that is left. A big fat NO to dating with kids ,, unlesss they are older and independant. My SO never had a problem with my 18yr son, hes never had to do anything with him or no parental duties / schooling etc, i did everything on parenting my own son even though we all live together, i never expected my SO to do it for me. Ive recently had to disengage from the skid as he was making my life hell! best thing i ever did was step back from all that and let the bio parents clean up their own mess
Yes!
I agree If I could go back, I wouldn't date anyone with kids!
Nope! Men and women should
Nope! Men and women should have "damaged goods" tattoo'd across their foreheads that can't be removed until their child is grown and financially independent.
I'm joking, of course, but I realize now that I could have done much, MUCH better, as is the case with most single - childless people. Single parents come to the first date already dressed in their wedding attire. They're desperate because of their - or their babymomma/daddies - failures. Of course, we all don't realize that until it's MUCH too late.
It's not something I would
It's not something I would recommend a childless person to rush into. A lot of people (me included) married too early into the relationship believing that things will fix themselves over time. Wrong. If you can't sort out an acceptable dynamic before getting married, and hold it steady over an extended period of time without relapsing, save yourself the time and just end it.
I watch my brother and his wife in their early 30s. They're getting ready for baby number 1. It's both their first and they're so excited, equally so being first time parents and everything. They've got their mortgage under control, all their hard work is paying off and they're reaping the rewards. Money isn't disappearing into a black hole suporting a crazy ex and poisoned kid. Down the track there'll be no estranged adult children appearing out of the woodwork to claim a chunk of their inheritance. What's theirs is just theirs. It would be nice if that's in my own future, but it's not.
Nope.
Nope.
Even if the skids are basically good, it's a fundamentally uneven relationship that breeds contempt and resentment. Love my DH immensely...would 1000% travel back in time and distract sweet, naive, 25-year-old me until DH had gone past (I almost literally "bumped" into him at a conference.)
Doubtful
I loved my stepkids, but doubt I would do it again. Too many variables beyond my control.
This. I love them all dearly,
This. I love them all dearly, but way too many variables.I came into the marriage with one kid, but I was self sufficient and lived autonomously. Though there have been benefits ;knowing what I know now I wouldn't have done it again. I would have wished them all the best and stayed focus on my kid and myself.
Yep. The one thing I would
Yep. The one thing I would have done differently was go in disengaged
Ceteris paribus.... absolutely
Ceteris paribus.... absolutely. I would do it all over again with my bride and my skid... in a heart beat.
But, I would not touch a relationship with many of the broken specimens that a number of STalkers suffer through life with.... with a ten foot pole.
NOPE
No, I would not. I had no baggage when we met and he had 2 exes and 3 kids. He's been pretty fair but looking back, I can't think of one warm, fuzzy moment with the SKids. They're out of the house now but it's even more challenging to deal with adults.
I would not go back and do it
I would not go back and do it over again.
And I strongly discourage my adult children from dating anyone with kids.
ABOSLUTELY NOT!!!
I love my husband and we have a decent life until SD's enter the picture occassionally and then all my regrets start swirling in my mind. If I knew then what I know now, nope. I would have stayed a single Mom, raised my children and lived my own life. No man worth this headache in my opinion. I would give it all up to not have to deal with BM and SD's!!
Looking at your future partner.
This is something I have learned the hard way. When you meet a potential partner don't rush into anything - especially if they have kids. Take time to get to know them and know all about them; their personality, work ethic, history with other women, display of affection. Meet their family to observe how they grew up and patterns they learned. Does he show respect for you? Does he make little 'jokes' where you feel put down? How do they treat you in front of the skids? Do they insist the skids respect you? Does he show guilt over the divorce? Does he handle money well? Do you make more than he does after child support is deducted? Is he emotionally available? Will he protect you? There you when you need him? Does he sexually satisfy you? Is he generous? Do you have similar interests?
Have you ever heard the term, "You will grow together"? It's a fallacy. If he is lacking in something that is important to you, it will be magnified after you marry him. If he has kids, it will only add one other element into the equation.
As we've discovered many times on Steptalk, it isn't so much about the skids, it's how DH parents them. When the skids are grown, you can choose to have a relationship with them or not. But if you choose the wrong DH it is a whole different ball game.
Never marry nor move in with
Never marry nor move in with someone until you've known them for at least a couple of years closely on a daily basis. Are they a good parent? Do they correct their kids when they are disrespectful or do they ignore it? How do they treat you on a daily basis? Do they have a bad temper, lash out at you when they are in a bad mood or things are not going well? Do they gaslight you? Do they have any known addictions (alcohol, pot, pills, sex, porn, gambling, shopping, etc.)? Are they trustworthy? Have you caught them lying to you? Do they have healthy boundaries with their ex, mother, in laws, etc.? Do they treat you respectfully? Are they financially responsible? Do they have any known debts and if so on what? Do they live paycheck ot paycheck? Do their children have any known behavioral issues? Are their children spoiled, coddled or disrespectful kids in general and it is rarely addressed? Why did their last relationship end? (and please do not believe only their/their family's side of the story, it takes two). If someone has more than one fairly recent failed relationship approach with caution especially if they share children with that person. These are some issues that come up and can destory a fairly marriage quickly. People marry and move in thinking love will conquer all. It does not. Please do not be that naive. Also never put your resources and future into the black hole (spoiled step brats, previous debts they've accumulated, an over pirced mortgage). Be smart.
I would not do it again
Nope nope nope.... I tried not this time and he convinced me he never had any BM issues.. Hahaha.. I shpuld have trusted my gut...
Life is much better without
Life is much better without the entitled stepkids, weird ex, and vicious mother in law. Child free men are the way to a good life. Even when the stepkids grow up there are still so many issues.
My first marriage was a
My first marriage was a trainwreck. Being married to a black widow cavern crotched adulterous skank whore forunately allowed me to avoid poluting my gene pool with her.
My second marriage (25+ years and counting) is amazing. When she agreed to spend her life together with me she made me a dad. I would not trade a thing. My first marriage experiences are part of what makes me who I am. My DW being a single teen mom and her life before me are what make her who she is and the woman I love beyond imagination. What we bring to the table as individuals is what makes us work and what has allowed us to raise our son to viable adulthood. (Our son is my former SS-27 who asked me to adopt him when he was 22. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo).
So, I would say... it depends on the quality of person that the breeder is who is bringing a child to a relationship with a childless SParent and ... their qualities as a parent. Do they raise their child with standards of behavior and performance or do they raise feral entitled spe-cial little toxic breeding trophies?
I would have not moved SO in
I would have not moved SO in until the SK, were out of HS. I would have kept it so they remained guests in my home. I have already told him until they are adults I am not getting married. I have decided I am keeping my house and not buying a home together. I absolutely love him and do not want to be with anyone else. But, I have had to disengage from his children and BM. I have already told him that when my BS graduates I am selling my house and taking a different position at my employment and moving. He is more than welcome to come with me. But, once I no longer have to raise my son, the same goes for SKs who will also be out of HS. If they dont have thier lives together at that point it is not my problem.
Definitely not
I think there are very very few cases where getting involved with a parent can work out ok:
Otherwise, no. No, no, and hell no. Do not do it! I say this based on not only my own experience after 20 years but that of multiple other step-parents I've known. If the BM is around, you will always be her unpaid servant/nanny. It seems to be far worse when the parent is female. I've seen a few step-dads make it work, as the BF just disappeared. But women can be psychotic when it comes to control, anger and jealousy. It just isn't worth the stress. Parenting your own kids is difficult enough, but at least you get some reward at the end. And the bond is much stronger as they are your blood and you chose to create them.
Don't sacrifice your life and happiness to raise some other woman's kids with a part time husband. You will never be put first as a wife.
Very well stated, and please
Very well stated, and please keep posting!
Yes I would do it again with
Yes I would do it again with my dh........Knowing then what I know now, Haaaa many things would have been done differently regarding bm and her kids. WE figured things out...much of which we learned here on ST.
I can say with utmost certainty, my dh feels the same.
Nope! Never again!
Nope! Never again!
I already had kids. So, yes,
I already had kids. So, yes, I would date someone with kids. But only one or two, not four. And not someone with a crazy, mooching, dramatic ex wife.
Someone couldn't pay me a
Someone couldn't pay me a million bucks to do it again!! Hel no!!
I really would say it depends
I really would say it depends on the SO you're considering. If he is supportive of you and covers you in areas related to the skids and BM (especially if high conflict), takes your opinions into account, and just generally treats you well, then its worth it to me.
If I wasn't in love and my DH wasn't as sweet and caring as he is, I wouldn't be here. Because even though he does everything I mentioned, there are still plenty of struggles between tough emotions and drama with the HCBM. It is definitely difficult at times..sometimes it feels like its difficult more often than not. It just comes down to deciding if you love someone enough or if loving them is worth going through some difficult times.
But if they are putting in effort, then getting through the difficult times is what a successful marriage is all about. Every marriage will go through difficult times, granted being a stepmom is the most difficult thing I've ever done, but my DH is worth it.
So is he worth it?
Old proverb: Known Devil is
Old proverb: Known Devil is better than Unknown Angel.
I have two adult SDs who don't like me. They have never said it, but I can feel it. We all just seem to "tolerate" each other.
I would definitely marry my DH again despite that. Our 30 years together have been, for the most part, great. We are highly compatible and we genuinely like to be in each other's company. We ran a business together and we worked side by side, everyday. Now we are retired and we're enjoying all of the benefits of the lifestyle that we worked so diligently to obtain. He's been a wonderfully supportive husband, and has stepped up to the plate in my defense with his daughters when he needed to. I know exactly where I stand with everyone in his family. His parents love me. I get along extremely well with all of his siblings. I love my DH to pieces.
Would I marry a man with children ever again? Absolutely NOT! No way, no how...just NO. My Stepdaughters have supplied me enough drama and pain in my life to last me through 10 reincarnations. I am done with the ideology that Stepchildren, Stepgrandchildren, Stepdogs, whatever, can live harmoniously! Done with that fantasy!
If someone without children of their own wants my advice as to whether or not getting involved with a man with children is a good idea, I would steer them in another direction. As a matter of fact, I'd probably tell them to RUN!
Love my blended family but...
I love my SD, would die for her without hesitation and I'm very happy with our blended family life. That being said, I don't suggest the Step-Lifestyle. Both of my parents passed away before I was 25, and I have a long history of abuse and being a step-mom is seriously the hardest challenge I have ever taken on. It is mentally exhausting all the time. It takes a serious amount of trust, willingness, and compromise to be in a relationship with someone who already has kids. Forever. Because kids are FOREVER.
Not just anyone. If it was
Not just anyone. If it was with my incredible bride raising my great SKid, in a heartbeat I would do it again.
I did date a 4 single moms before I met my DW. Two were decent parents and stable successful women. One was a train wreck. One was someone no one should want to be anywhere near. Her kid was great. When he was 12, he told his mom he was leaving and going to the Middle East with his dad, SM, and his baby sister. She was beyond salvage.
If my marriage ended, shudder, I would likely not re-marry and I would likely not engage in a relationship with someone who had kids, definitely not minor children, and with adult kids only if the kids passed muster and the woman was not kid/Gkid immersed.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have told DD20 to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever date a guy with brats. I told her 1) no widowers; 2) no guys with some other broad's kids; and 3) no guys who are raising kids or have guardianship over kids. With any of these three scenarios, a woman is setting herself up to be a distant second. You can never live up to a dead woman, so that disqualifies any widowers, and I can't even begin to list all the bullshit that comes with a man with kids. No how, no way!
If I could have a do-over, no
If I could have a do-over, no I wouldn't have gotten married or ever moved in as long as SS20 is living there. The way he is and the way hubs is with him is such a turn off. I don't think this kid is ever going to leave our home. Why should he when he doesn't have to do anything at all?
Knowing what I know now? Nope
Knowing what I know now? Nope.
Easy to say with hindsight, however I can't help but wonder how different things may have turned out for me if I'd just listened to that little voice all those years ago that said "there may be trouble ahead ........" It was there alright, I just smothered it because I knew better.......
YES!!!!!! No matter what I am
YES!!!!!! No matter what I am so glad I found my DH! We have had so many fights, battle of wills and ruined evenings becuase of him having a child but in the end the good outweighs the bad! And each year we are together things are getting better and better. We both had to learn how to handle things when she was here. He is VERY defensive when it comes to her and I hated how our dynamic changed on the days she was with us. But as she is gettign older everything is getting more "normal" on her visits.
Now I am lucky that he only had one child, a girl that was 10 when we met (shes now 16). If he had 3 or more children or if they were very young I dont know how I would have felt about starting a relationship with him.
It's a really tough life for
It's a really tough life for sure. I was single for about 5 years when I met now DH. I had dated casually for the most part and enjoyed my life with my sons. DH brought a ton of bagagge with the issues with BM/SD. During that time I would say it wasn't worth it. We survived it though, we had lived together quite some time. We married after 10 years together when all our kids were over 18. Now, if someone is single/no kids I HIGHLY suggest not dating a parent. People with kids can date other people with kids and deal w/eachothers messes lol.
I think the answer to that
I think the answer to that question is....Fu$K NO!. Life is to short, there are far too many people out there to decide to put up camp with someone that has children. F that shit is what I say and run for a F'ing mile, leave it to someone else to deal with, it is far to complicated.
I wish I had googled being a step parent and found this site a long long time ago. I was (not even that young) but defininetly naive about it all.
I have given so much to my relationship, and no matter how much my partner says she has given / put up with, it isn't the same as having to raise, which I have, 2 other step children who have emotional issues.
I think I've been clear
Absolutely not
Absolutely not
As a child free woman who's just getting out of a relationship with a single dad... I look at it like this...
Would you rather...
Order food to go, take a nice peaceful drive to pick up your dinner, no line in the restaurant, pay and then get home with your perfect, delicious meal...just the way you wanted it
Or....
You could order your food, huge hassle ordering too, drive to pick it up, get stuck in traffic. Arrive to pick up your food and there's a huge line. Loud annoying people behind you, bumping into you. You get up the cashier and realize you forgot your card. Then you have to drive back home, then back to the resteruant, then you finally pick up your food and bring it home only to find out they got your order wrong but you take a bite anyway and it's disgusting
Dating someone without a kid is scenario #1. Dating someone with a kid is scenero #2. Why go through the inconvenience, hassle and complications for a cr*ppy outcome when you could have something simple and enjoyable and actually get the end result you want?
I will NEVER chose the second scenario again