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Question in regards to Arianna's post...

melis070179's picture

I noticed most people that said to not throw out old pics and momentos of BM said to keep them for the SKs...so if there was no kids from a marriage & you're remarried, then do you throw them out? or do you still keep them? How long do you keep them, forever? Do you think 25 years down the road when you've been remarried for most of your adult life you will still feel the need to hang onto pics of a previous marriage? My parents that have both been remarried for 25 & 26 years, respectively, no longer have pics of eachother in some box in the attic....I mean at what point to you get rid of them? If there are kids, do you bother to ask them if they want them or just save them for 18 years assuming they do? I guess I just don't understand this way of thinking. My dad never handed me pics of him & my mom together, never brought it up, never had any in any of his boxes of pics & I never thought anything of it. My mom once had one in my baby book of me, her, my dad & my sister...a xmas pic of when I was was 1 year old...it kinda creeped me out because they split when I was 2...never knew them together & my stepparents have been in my life since I was 3, I never knew life without them. I never felt the need to know anything about my parents life together, why they divorced...I don't even know how they met. Obviously I know at one time they loved each other, they were married & had 2 kids afterall, but it doesn't really matter to me I guess. Do those of you that have divorced parents that are remarried feel the need to know all about your parents life together & want pics of them together? Maybe I'm weird...or maybe as a teenager I was too self absorbed, I don't know, but I really never cared one way or another...apparently I'm not as sentimental as some! I didn't keep any pics of me & my ex together, and we have a 5 year old son. We split when he was 2 & his stepdad has been in his life since he was 2 1/2. My son doesn't even realize yet that his dad & I were ever married. When we split, he took all the pics of him & our son, I kept all the pics of me & our son and all the ones of us together I tossed. Apparently this is not a normal thing to do?

Comments

Chel Bell's picture

it is a personal decision, depending on the situation. There are alot of things that factor into the decision to throw, or not to throw. JMO"~waiting on the world to change~"

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I wouldn't want to throw out every pic of myself with the ex. Because I spent a lot of my life with him, and there are both good and bad memories.

H would disagree. He can't stand anything to do with my past, regarding ex or old bf's.

But the past is past. I am not jealous of any old gf's, etc. H may have had. He has his memories, I have mine.

As for my sons, when one or both of them is settled, has their own home (both work on the road, traveling) I'll simply ask them if they want the albums. If they don't, that's ok. I'll just keep til I die, then they can decide whether to pitch 'em or keep 'em. Attitudes change over time, and what they may not want now they may want somewhere down the road.

I don't need to try to "erase" evidence of our previous lives and loves. It's part of what makes us who we are today.

northernsiren's picture

I don't need to try to "erase" evidence of our previous lives and loves. It's part of what makes us who we are today.

I had a beautiful wedding with friends and family, it was a perfect happy day. Despite the fact that my marriage didn't work, I don't want to erase that day. I'm a packrat though, I save movie ticket stubs, concert tickets, everything memorabilia, I always imagine myself being old and the memories fading, and seeing those things and bringing back happy memories would be a blessing....

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

melis070179's picture

I guess my memories are just good enough for me...I don't feel the need to have old pics hidden away in some box that I never look at anyways. To each there own I guess.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

MSloan86's picture

I married my first wife 15 years ago. It didnt last and court date was 1 day before 5 year aniversary. No kids, no assets, no allimony. No photos. I dont have anything at all. It would serve no purpose other than a reminder of a failure in life.

melis070179's picture

I'm pretty sure most men feel the same as you, not too into hanging onto the past. I've never had a boyfriend or even my ex-husband keep photos of their exes before, I never do either. I started asking quite a few friends about this today as well...nobody else kept theres except my sister. And she has a very specific reason for keeping photos of one ex. He is her son's father & her son doesn't know it. Her son thinks her husband is his dad, he is 7 years old. His real dad decided he wanted nothing to do with either one of them once she got pregnant. But she has kept everything she had of him to give to her son for when she tells him the truth in the next few years....now THAT I can understand.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

lil_teapot's picture

I kept stuff from my first marriage. It's all in box...all the stuff that has him in it or was from our dating days. I haven't opened it since it cleared customs from Australia back to here. I'm not sure why I keep it. Most of it is because he turned out to be a sick person and I left him...and I'm afraid that one day I'll see him on the news and not in a good way, and maybe the police would want more info on him (not that they've cared so far what two wives have had to say). Anyways, there are a few things that don't have negative connotations connected to them...a couple pics of us together that I keep just because, well, I look damn cute.lol
I don't think you have to throw anything out unless it truly bothers you. I mean, I don't look at this stuff because it would upset me and remind me of what a sh*t he is and how stupid I was for falling for his crap. But I also know that I can't throw it all away because it's like erasing my whole life while we were together. It's like for 6 years I didn't exist or something. Yes things were bad, but they weren't always bad...and to me, it's important to have some kind of memento of the journey I've taken...some thing to remind me of where I've been and all I've been through, and how strong I truly am...especially when I doubt myself. It helps to remind me that I am capable of much much more than I give myself credit for. To throw it all away would kind of erase all the years that I put in with him that, no matter how terrible, helped me to learn and grow and be more comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned.
Don't second guess yourself because your instincts are telling you exactly what you should do.

frustratedinMA's picture

I wouldnt want my dh to throw anything of mine out w/out my knowledge and consent.. so why would I not afford him the same respect and consideration???? That is what it comes down to.. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

I say.. its not yours.. hands off.

BMJen's picture

I have been divorced twice, one I have a son with, and the other no kids. I don't have a single picture of me and either of them together. Not a one.

I personally don't see the point in keeping them, any of them.

So please don't feel out there! I agree 100% with you Melis.

And, if my SD's have pics of thier mom and dad together, good for them. But they need to stay at moms house because they aren't coming in mine.

JMO

melis070179's picture

I really don't think throwing old pics out is trying to erase your old life...you have your memories and what was special in your life will remain in your heart. Granted, I didn't throw old pics of BM that were sitting in my garage out, but only because my DH did it himself! I would have told him before doing it though, I'd at least give him that. But I must say if I thought he was the type of person that would be bothered by it, I wouldn't do it. On another note...I heard DH on the phone a few minutes ago and then he called me into the office where he was. I asked whats up & he asked if it was okay to spend some money on a tattoo. I asked oh geez what are you getting now & he's apparently decided he wants to cover up SS's name that he had tattooed on him back when he was first born. I asked why, does he just not like the tattoo or does he not want any names on him...he said both. I said in a joking tone oh so I guess you'll never get my name branded on you huh & he said he will on our 5 year anniversary...I didn't say anything, but he just said he didn't want any names on him? Not sure whats up with this new development, I'll have to see what I can get out of him. I'm thinking maybe he doesn't want to have to find places for all the kids names on him so its easier just to cover up one than to find 2 new places & then one for mine in a few years...we'll see I guess.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

disgusted's picture

I think that the decision to keep or not to keep pictures/momentos from a previous relationship should be a personal decision...The key word being that is should be a "personal decision"....I don't think it's right for anyone to go threw another persons belongings (married to them or not) and take it upon themselves to throw out pictures/momentos. Those things don't belong to them and are not theirs to throw out...

I would be madder than hell if my husband went through my things and took it upon himself to throw out old pictures ect from my previous relationships...The principal reason would be that it was a violation of my privacy and he didn't have a right to throw out things that were mine.. To me it just boils down to respect and consideration...

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ digusted