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Frustrations of being a SM...

MdMom's picture

I'm tired of the games, BM has wore me down!!
Every Summer for the last THREE (3) years BM changes SD's Schedule at LEAST twice a month. The first year, I was alright SD was just a baby (8mo) and she was the only Child in both households. So the Schedule changes didn't matter to me that much... Also it was a new relationship with FDH and I (though we have grown up together)
The second year, SD 18 mo, and I had DD and BM had a new Son. I figured that since she seemed to move on and start making another family for herself, as well as FDH and I, the schedule changes would not be as drastic... WRONG! but even still, I just went with it, whatever... an 18 month old and baby can't do too much anyways.
year three... Current year. Add two more babies to the equation, just me and FDH, no more babies for BM, and SD being 3 nearly 4 and DDs being 2 and 18 mo, and DS 6mo. June BM decides to go on a Spur of the moment camping trip, on a MONDAY, when we are to get SD on WEDNESDAY, we get a text Monday afternoon... 'Going camping, almost out of Cell phone range. You wont be able to pick SD up on Wednesday, we wont be back until Thrusday... You can pick her up Friday, and keep her until Sunday evening.' (our time is Wednesday at 4 until Saturday at 4) This means we loose a day with SD. FDH says whatever, they're already there, there is really nothing we can do.
This happens TWICE in June.
July, FDH gets a text, only it was on a Tuesday (day before pick up) 'going to an amusement park with SD tomorrow, will be staying until Friday, You can pick her up Saturday when we get home and have her until Monday.' We loose yet ANOTHER day with SD.
FDH and I have been planning a trip with our Family to the beach, we have been planning this trip since JUNE. We let BM know what days we will be gone, because we wont be home until LATE Saturday, so we wanted to Drop SD of on Sunday after Church. We let BM know a MONTH in advance, to be curtious. Then again about a two weeks ago.
BM texts FDH FRIDAY, to tell him that we need to change the schedule because she too is going to the beach the week before us, and she needs SD Thursday through Saturday. GRRRR!!
It doesn't bother me that they are going to the beach the week before we do... I could care less. It's the fact that she didn't bother to PLAN her trip on HER days... she has FOUR days to plan trips, dr visits ect. But it NEVER fails that she will wait til the last minute to do something then have to mess with SD's schedule because she can't simply plan ahead! I don't get it!
NOT ONLY THAT, but I had plans for things that the kids and I can do, I was going to get pictures on Thursday made an Appointment for it last week, now I have to cancel, and reschedule. Also, Queen Elsa and Princess Anna (from Frozen, My girl's favorite) are going to be at a local baby boutique for pictures with the kids, I bought the girls matching dresses, to go with the frozen theme and have been planning this for the last two weeks! and SD wont even be here for it. I will still take my other two, but I know that SD would have LOVED it! and it irritates me that I can't make plans for anything! Everytime I do BM eefs it up!

I have talked to FDH about it, because every time we may need an extra day (like our trip this month) BM ALWAYS makes it the most difficult thing EVER! Like we're ruining EVERYTHING for her.
I told FDH that I'm tired of the give, give, give bs and we get NOTHING in return.
I love being a Mom, But this whole SM thing is getting old. I don't treat SD any different than my other three kids. I have just gotten so tired of jumping through hoops, and playing a game I don't want to play.
Thankfully FDH understand where I am coming from, and we have agreed that we will allow BM two schedule changes a year (with holidays as the acception) I think this is VERY generous. But we are also keeping in mind that if BM ever tries to get Full custody of SD (which has come up) we will not look bad to the court. We have worked with BM, We hardly ever change the schedule for us (this is the first year we have asked for one extra day.) we make our plans around SD's Schedule. If FDH and I plan a trip for just us, we go Sat night, Sunday and Monday.
I'm sorry for the rant, and I thank you for letting me vent. Even though FDH and I have talked about it, and figured everything, on our part, out. I am still pissed at her lack of consideration, and coordination.


MdMom's picture

If I we're the one that had to talk to her I wouldn't have given her so much info... But I'm not (thank God, I'd lose my mind.)
We did have to inform her about going out of state, once FDH said we're planning a trip to the coast she put the pices together (I was amazed at this, I mean this is a women that can't even remember what days she gets SD when SHE changes the schedule!)

The way our CO is written (mind you, this was when SD was 6months old) is that BM would have her Mon,Wed,Fri, and Sundays she would spend time at both homes... She didn't trust FDH to be alone with SD for more than 24hrs. Once I came into the picture BM wanted FDH to have Less time with SD. Fortunately that didn't happen, because she can't afford a lawyer to change the CO. It also says that the schedule is subject to change as long as both parties agree. Which happened once I noticed how stressed SD was at 18mo from not having consistancy. We (mainly FDH) talked BM into the current schedule. Which does play to her favor, because she has SD an extra night (7 hrs to be exact. Lol)

Its not even the beach trip that upsets me, I could give a rats ass if they go the week before us. SD is just double blessed, because instead of just one trip she gets two. Its the controlling aspect of it that gets to me... I feel as though I'm unable to make plans that involve SD because I never know when BM will change the schedule.

Up until last night, FDH would go along with the change because he doesn't want to seem inflexible in the courts eyes. And I get that, BUT every eefing time? And I suppose that BM wouldn't look so good because she has NEVER agreed to a change on our part. When FDH told her that we would need to get SD a day early because of the dates we rented the house she went ape shit!! 'Well if you get SD a day early, then I will have her for the full day of Thanksgiving.' FDH refused the offer, and instead said that she could have SD until Thursday after we got home. With a reply of 'Whatever, I need to change the schedule anyways.' Come to find out she planned her beach trip... It has to be tiring to be in a competition with you ex about EVERYTHING!!

I told FDH that I'm done. Oh, I'll keep my notes, and documentation, and print outs of her outrageous texts. But as for getting involved in her Shenanigans, nope. She's selfish, rude and stupid... Three strikes. But I have heard that if you give someone like her enough rope, they will hang themselves... I'm just waiting for the day that the noose will come in handy.

MdMom's picture

This isn't just for Summer... This is an every season Schedule. It just changes more frequently in the summer.

Anon2009's picture

"make sure you have an iron clad CO and are willing to live by it no matter what the problem is and yes you force her to do the same"