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BM Choosing the easy way out... I had a feeling this would happen.. = /

MdMom's picture

Let me start out this Blog by saying it may be a little on the long side, and I'm sure I will have a few rants with in. I just don't get what BM is thinking... and WHY she thinks that SD wont have a problem with what BM wants to do.
SO, BM had called FDH yesterday morning While she was on her way to drop SD off with me. Our exchange days are Wednesday, We had it where FDH would pick SD up when he got off work, but BM is going back to school. FDH and I talked about it, and we both agreed that BM could drop SD in the mornings on her way to school, just to make life a little easier for us.
Anyways, BM calls FDH and tells him that she almost called him the night prior because her and SD (who is 4, might I add.) Were up 'fighting' until 1245AM!!
You're kidding right? A nearly 30 year old woman Arguing with a 4 YEAR OLD?!?!
BM also said that she is at her whits end with SD, SD disrupts their (BM, her BF and their son) life when she is there. SD is always picking fights with her. And she actually asked FDH if we would be willing to have SD live with us FT and BM only wants her on the days she doesn't work, and Never over night again.
I find this VERY weird... how could someone just give up their kid like that? So she's 4, she throws tantrums, like any other kid, at her age. but the key to SD's tantrums are not to argue back. When SD gets mad because DDs don't want to play a game she wants she gets MEAN. When I hear/see the warning signs I step in and redirect. SD will, at times, get an attitude with me, and try to tell me no, or try to yell at me. When she does this, I just tell her the conversation is over and that she can sit in time out for a little bit to cool off. Only after she 'cools off' do I try to talk to her about her choices, and how everyone needs to play nice. (or whatever the case may be.)
I know that I would NEVER be able to not see my kids everyday. Nor would I ever give ANY of them to someone else to raise, and only want to see them every now and then... I don't get it.
(Sorry little rabbit trail, kinda)
FDH and I have discussed it, for the last day or so, and we have both agreed that if BM is serious (she has said this a few times in the past) we would gladly take SD full time. Go to court and do it the right way.
I'm just baffled at BM's poor parenting skills... I mean how in the Hell does a grown women get into it with a 4 year old?!
AND the cheery on top!! BM asked FDH to talk to SD about her behavior at BM's. So when he got home from work he took SD into the bedroom to talk to her. He asked her why she wasn't being good at BM's and she said that BM didn't want SD to go to her house anymore. = ( FDH asked SD where she heard that. SD's answer broke my heart, She told FDH that BM and her BF tell SD that if she is bad they will take her to the house that the bad kids live. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
FDH reassured her that if she wasn't at her mom's she would be at home with us. and that FDH would NEVER let BM send her away. Then SD told FDH that BM was on the phone with SD's aunt and BM told her sister that SD was too much for her, and she doesn't want SD to stay with her anymore.
This just breaks my heart that BM says these things in front of SD.
FDH told SD that BM loves her and that she needs to try and be as good with BM as she is here at home. SD was tearing up during the talk and just nodded her head. FDH gave her a hug, and told her that she wasn't in trouble, and that it just makes him sad when BM calls him and tells him how bad SD is when she's at BM's house.
I just can't believe that BM is willing to give up her time with SD because she is being a four year old. Tantrums happen, it's how you deal with them that teaches kids how control their emotions a little better.

Okay, I feel a little better now. = )


MdMom's picture

That is exactly what I told FDH!
Cause when FDH was telling me about the conversation and the things BM was saying, She was just, like you said, inconvenienced. He told me that BM was saying that SD was messing with her son's sleep schedule, and that she can't control SD, she was saying all these horrible things that SD does at her house... I could believe it, because if you don't nip it in the bud as soon as you see it SD CAN get out of control.
But again, it's just BM's poor poor parenting. and one thing that BM said that made me laugh was, I would say she needs counseling, but what can a concealer really do with a 4 year old?
Really? lets put SD in counseling for being a kid who has no structure with BM but is a normal kid here...

It's like, BM is viewing SD like an untrained dog... come home with a cute little puppy, the puppy grows into a dog, and is untrained because she doesn't bother to take the time to do it. and once the puppy grows into a dog and losses it's cuteness, good bye Rover.
It just breaks my heart that there are actually people like BM out there.

ItHasGottenBetter's picture

Exact same things BM told my skids. She pretends to the world that she wasnts them, loves them but to their faces tells them she doesn't want them full time and if DSO wouldn't take them, she called the cops on children.

I don't get it either.

MdMom's picture

Everyone thinks BM has SD more than she does, and they all think that BM is the Best mom, and SD and BM's baby are so lucky to have a mom like her... If only they could see what really goes on, or even just a peek like FDH and I. I'm sure there is Much MORE going on that we don't know about. and THAT scares me, I don't want anything to happen to SD (Physically, Emotionally ect.)
FDH Told BM that if she can't handle SD while in her home to call him and he would pick SD up... anytime.

I just don't get how she could be so Fake!! It has to be draining.

MdMom's picture

That's what I want to know!!
honestly, How could (like I've said) a GROWN ASS WOMEN allow a 4 YEAR OLD to act like this?! why would you let her disrupt your house so much that you just can't take it anymore?
I'll admit that I have had my times when I just can't handle the Chaos (But then again FDH and I have 2 together, and we each have one from our previous relationships, and the ages are 4,2,1, 9mo.) So with this it is understandable for me to feel overwhelmed, but even in those times I would never think to tell my kids that I don't want them anymore. But then again I like to think, I have very well behaved children. But then again FDH and I actually PARENT our children with the intention that they will grow into adults who contribute to society. And can Control their emotions, and talk about things. FDH and I are VERY old fashioned in our parenting. Poor actions have poor reactions and vise versa.

MdMom's picture

This is something I really hope wont happen, but I know that is may. With having SD 4-5 days out of the week I think it may be a little easier for her to adjust. I mean she will still have BM, FDH and I don't want to take SD from her mom. So when we go to rewrite the PP that is what we will tell the judge, we have enough documentation that shows how much extra time we give BM right now.
I mean, it's not like FDH and I are telling BM to give SD up, she is coming to us and asking if we would be able to have SD stay with us, and she just wants visitation for a few hours on the days she doesn't work. But it also wouldn't surprise me if she does the visitation for a year or so and slowly starts backing out of SD's life.
There are tones of roads that this situation can go down. I mean BM has said this to FDH and I twice before, maybe the third time is the charm, or maybe she's just venting to FDH... Either way, it's Messed up. And if things progress then we may have to get things changed up anyways, just to protect SD.

MotheringHeights's picture

My heart breaks for that little girl. I know all the same feelings, you simply can't fathom how a parent can just turn and switch off from their child(ren). My exH did just that. My eldest daughter was 4 at the time.

I admire your courage and support for your DH, but I ultimately applaud your DH for stepping up. I have a whole heap of respect for people who do just that. That child needs one decent parent. At 4 all I can say is you're heading into the most fun part of their lives, their world is about to become a whole lot larger and you'll get to be a part of that. I'm not into doomsdaying step parenting because my experience has been wonderful. I think you have a positive attitude to it all and that is a tremendous starting point. It isn't without its challenges no doubt but the rewards are truly incredible. Go you good thing.

MdMom's picture

I'm not into doomsdaying Step parenting either, I have no problem with being a Step parent. The only thing that I don't enjoy is having to deal with BM. But even still, I have come to terms with having to deal with crazy for the next 14-15 years. and if that's all I need to do to keep term oil down, and insure that SD has the easiest lest stressful time in her 'normal' life (because going house to house is normal for her) then so be it.
I don't want her childhood jeopardized because her BM and SD don't want to be grown ups and are childish about everything.
We honestly need no applause, I would be appalled if FDH didn't step up. He is so involved with SD (all the kids really). We are just doing what we think would be best for SD, and a little with BM. But I know that nothing would make BM happy, and it's not my job to make her happy. It's my job to make sure that SD gets the care she needs and deserves while she is with FDH and I. At least that is the job that I have given myself. lol

Like I say to FDH, if we were with different people the situations could be much worse than they are. and we just need to count our blessings.
The situation may not be 'normal' to us, but it's 'normal' to SD. Because she knows nothing else.