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Living with 2 narcissists

Manicstepmom's picture

Hi everyone, I will try to do a brief review of my backstory. Been with dh for 17 years, married 8 of them. 3 (now adult) SSs and 2 kids together, 12 ds and 8 dd. Dh has NPD..severely and at times has been completely intolerable. SS 19 who still lives with us, also has obvious signs of NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder). If you have time please read my other blog post. SS 19  has been out of HS for a year now, working for 5 months 4 to 8 days per month and taking 2 community college classes online. DH is the breadwinner and works 40+ hrs a week, I work 1-2 night shifts at the hospital each week. My ds12 and dd8 are both homeschooled by me, ds12 has ASD. Anyways, suddenly about 7 to 8ish months ago..SS started trying to act like he was a parent to ds and dd. Telling them they couldn't do stuff I said they could, saying he didn't care what mom said, and trying to tuck them in at night, even tho dh and I ALWAYS do that. SS babysits them so we can go out to eat or run to the store or see a show..so maybe 6 to 8 hrs total a month..at most. His weird delusional has only gotten worse..he now openly says ds and dd "NEED" him so he won't work full time, go to school full time or plan on moving out. He also tries to act like DHs wife..which is really weird and gross..offers to rub his feet, greets him at the door and kisses his cheek when he gets home from work, tries to go into MY room and get dad's work clothes out..and even jokes about joining his dad in the shower! This is just the tip of the ice berg.

WTF is wrong with this kid? DH gets weirded out by the sexual advances and will say something then..but it seems like he actually enjoys SS playing wifey to him. Its twisted AF. As the wife and mother in the household..I just can't take this sick and weird crap. I wrote DH a letter a few weeks ago and carefully explained my feelings about certain things and said that in order for me to even want to stay with you..I needbto see you start enabling SS to be a big boy, Independent and responsible..so he can move out in the not too far future. DH says..I am not ready to lose him..he is just a child?? 

Has anyone with experience with NPD ever seen twisted weird behavior like this? Neither of them will go to counselling and neither of them are capable for even acknowledging their own behavior ...everything is always some crazy distorted version of reality. I feel like I am living in a fricken psych ward.

Comments

la_dulce_vida's picture

This behavior is very concerning. I do not think I could live like that.

If your husband has severe NPD, there is a good chance he's being abusive towards you. Is he receiving treatment? Does he display all the telltale NPD traits? I'm just curious because I was in a relationship with an NPD and it was very brief because I could not take it.

 

CLove's picture

And here was my  comment that still applies:

So, now you know

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 04/08/2022 - 2:11pm

You have less a Skid problem and more a Husband problem.

If you are truly ready to leave, I agree with the ideas stated above. You will need to document and calendar everything possible. Definitely get cameras, if they are prone to lying then this will be your best bet in fighting this. Get thee to a lawyer, and be ready to fight. The legal help will get you on the right track.

Do you have any friends or family? Do you have any support network? Start building one. If you do not have a job get one now. Then you have way more options. And a separate bank account if you do not have one of those. Start squirreling money away, pronto.

Good luck and keep us posted!

This is called "mini-wife syndrome" and typically it occurs in daughters whose parents have divorced. Lucky you, youve got the male equivalent. Luckily I dont have that (not right now at least), but get yourself to a lawyer and see what your options are. You would be definitely getting child support and definitely getting spousal support. So, really, the issue is - is this acceptable to you? Is this what you want for your life and your children' lives?

Hope that you read this comment!

shamds's picture

Position due to lack of boundaries and guilty parent cod syndrome. Then comes new wife/partner, they have kids and suddenly skids reckon they have authority over your bio kids and answer you back

my husband was forced to address this with his eldest daughter who was 24. Her mums disrespect of people privacy & boundaries meant sd thought she got the say so.

i made it clear to my husband if he ever thought that i was gonna tolerate being spoken to or disrespected that way and that i had to answer to skids regarding the parenting of our bio kids, then he can start looking for wife #3!!!

that sorted him out- it took almost 1.5 yrs before he had the balls to address this and lay down the law with sd24 over 2 yrs ago.

at that point, hubby feared upsetting me more over alienated sd's

Noway2b1's picture

It's particularly with YSS (now 38)  there's an enmeshment that has been hard for me to define. He's not disrespectful per say although does have an opinion on all his siblings marriages and how they raise their children so I assume he also has opinions on mine and his dads marriage. He seems to insert himself and my DH seems to enable this involved behavior. In giving advice on finances to home maintenance he has no problem advising and my DH seeking his advice thereby often excluding me. I know it stems from the very messy divorce, guilt and enmeshment. We are working through it still after 7-8 years together (married for five). It has popped up again in our lives because YSS now lives locally to us as opposed to out of state.