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Live in adult SS driving me nuts...please help!

Manicstepmom's picture

I will start by giving you my background. I have been a stepparent for 17 years, all 3 boys, now 24, 21, 19.  There was a 3 year separation from 2009 to 2012. Married officially in 2014, have 2 children together 12, 8.  Not long after meeting my spouse I was inserted into the boys' lives. I was 21, so it was scary and exciting and I had no idea what hornets nest I had just got myself into.  Over the years we have fought repeatedly because of his sons. They caused so many issues that my H left me 6 weeks after I had our son. We reconciled a few years later and had a daughter 2 years after that and got married as well. I thought things would be better having truly blended the family..but I was wrong..jealousy ensued fast and furiously following my daughter. The 3 tried relentlessly to get their dad to go bk to their mom.  My H and his XW hated eachother, and each of them manipulated the children and tried to alienate them from the other parent. Since they couldn't stand even texting, I had to deal with all matters w their mom. Since we had full custody, me being home the most since I only worked part time, I was given the responsibility of EVERYTHING. I had to make dr, dentist appts, buy all school supplies and clothes, check up on their grades, contact teacher and coaches..basically everything the parent is supposed to be doing. I had no knowledge of disengagement and did not foresee the trouble ahead. The first 2 boys moved out following HS graduation, to go live w their mother. Neither of them work (ages 24, 21), they get high and drunk every day and grt arrested a few times a year...their mother allows this and pays for everything..tho they get evicted every 6 months or so.  My H blames me for them leaving. The last one who is 19 still lives w us and has become intolerable. He was in college full time last semester and we decided near the end of the term that he should get a job..he has never had one of course. As soon as his dad got him a good paying contingent job he decided he was no longer going to community college full time..he only wants one or two classes. He only works one or two days a week and still complains that this is exhausting and too much for someone his age. He refuses to do anything I ask him to do without hassling, complaining and doing it half ass several hours after I ask. Example: feed and water dogs..he will forget to water. He also walks away from me when I ask him to do something..other than very basic chores most tasks involve cleaning up his own messes. He stays in his bedroom all day which is beyond filthy..literally has trash in his bed and drawers. He is disrespectful to me and his dad..talks back, says shut up, etc. Whines like a 3 year old when asked to do something or not patted on the back for something small. Says he has no plans on moving out because we "need" him and could never function without him. Doesnt help pay for anythig at all..expects his dinners to be made and plated, expects internet, and housing and food at no cost. My H enables this behavior by constantly babying him. It is sickening..he treats hkm like he is 5 or 6 years old..and will actually yell at our 8 yo daughter for complaining her 19 yo brother hits her. As I has become intolerable..he never leaves the house, doesn't want friends, doesn't want a life and acts like he is married to his dad. He is a horrible role model for our 2 kids. Who have already started copying his disrespectful and piggish behavior. I talk to my H about it all the time and I get nowhere..I am at my wits end and very close to considering divorce. Are rhey any other options? Any advice or suggestions?? Please help!


Evil4's picture

I stopped reading at the part where you said your 19 year old SS hits your 8 year old daughter. That would be it for me. Take your kids and get them out of that abusive situation. Your husband allowing it is sickening. Boot both those freak shows out and show your dd what a strong woman looks like.

Manicstepmom's picture

I quickly put a stop to that by letting 19yo SS know that he is an adult and that I can and will call the police and file charges against him the next time he hits his 8 yo sister. My H response is sickening and I have lost love and respdct for him over it.

reedle2021's picture

What did your husband tell his son about hitting your daughter? 

This situation sounds awful for you and your daughter.  I am not in the exact same situation, but I have a soon -to-be-ex stepson who is 21 and acts like he is married to his daddy.  He ignores me and does passive aggressive things to me (like locking the back door when he knows I come home every night after work).  My soon-to-be-ex husband allows his son's behavior.  There is no plan for his son to launch.  I have been told by my husband that his son can live with us forever if he wants.  I am currently on my way out of the situation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to take a hard look at the situation and decide what you are willing to put up with.  Your husband needs to be setting boundaries and expectations with the 19 yo son and if he won't/can't, then the situation is unlikely to change.  From what you have written, it seems your husband doesn't see anything wrong with his son's behavior.  That's a huge red flag.  It seems that you may end up living with this kid indefinitely and this kid seems incredibly out of control.    

I do hope you find some peace and a solution.  Please, put yourself and your daughter first.  Please keep us posted - we are here for you!


24 years as a SM's picture

Why are you staying with your DH, he not parenting his son? It's time for you grow some lady balls, your DH is a lazy parent with no boundaries. He is completely useless, so you need to step up as a parent to your 2 bio kids. This may end your marriage, but from what I have read it's not that great. Let your DH and his lazy ADULT son know the next time his touches your younger child that you will be calling the police. 

Personally, I would not stay with this lazy useless POS, I would take my two young kids and move out, then nail his ass to the wall for child support.