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Name Battle - Cont.

Lola383's picture

FDH and I are not speaking to eachother; he's set that I'm ruining our wedding and marriage experience by not taking his name at all; and I can't get past how he is so disrespectful and can disregard my feelings so much to not see how this is affecting me.

I went to the gym last night and SO's SD19 asked to come with me so she could "train for the army". I'm not mean by nature so I said whatever, sure. I completely ignore her know-it-all attitude now and just "yes" her death when she wants to talk like she's been going to the gym for years (she's been going for 2-3 weeks with from friends from school and that apparently made me stupid and her the gym genius). Whatever... Halfway through I was starting to think..well, perhaps having the same name could be like a bonding thing for us.. The 2 "LOLA383 FDH's"...

Then we came home and she's chatting about boys and whatnot and how she told her friends she's changing her name; so, I mentioned to her.." know we're going to have the same exact name, right?" In the SNOTTIEST attitude so says, "So. We have different middle names"..OMG she is a complete selfish bitch. So that threw all notions of "bonding" out the effing window for me. My mother talked to my aunt about this and even my aunt thinks its weird, like why does she have to do this so close to my wedding. Not to mention in her chat about boys, she's like, " and if I marry this guy- then my initials will be "POS" again!" -so ok're going through all this now just to change it again when you get married. Awesome. and the point of making a massive adjustment as changing your name is because...? OH! want FDH's name on your army uniform...Totally can see how this is all needed. :sick:

I'm trying SOOOO hard to think about other things, and come up with a way of changing my name so that I can take FDH's name but still be seperate from SD19.. It just pisses me off. She's totally robbing me of my right to take my husbands name. But oh ya..did I mention that she is the sun and we all revolve around her? Princess SD19 is the center of the universe


QueenBeau's picture

Your DH will get over it.

I think it's absurd for him to have a problem with you NOT changing your name but not with fakeSD changing hers right before the wedding.

Mercury's picture

I didn't take my husband's name.

If you are only going to do it because of pressure from him, don't. Or at least think it through. You don't have to do it immediately. I'm pretty sure there is a big time window.

Bojangles's picture

I didn't change my name and it had nothing to do with name conflict with one of his daughters. I think it's an outdated patriarchal ritual for a woman to lose her family name and give it up for her husbands. I'm proud of my family name, so I kept it. Get DH to take your surname, that would set the cat among the pigeons Wink

Jsmom's picture

Exactly. I even got a retainer recently because of my Spanish last name with a Spanish client. I love my name. I may have considered hyphenating it with his, if his ex and sd weren't such evil people.

Mercury's picture

I did this! Dh was almost willing to take my name but then the full impact of all the implications of that "simple" act hit him. He would be giving up his own identity. We made a symbolic gesture by adding each other's names onto our real names on our fb profiles ( because it's just fb, not a huge commitment).

Mercury's picture

I am Mercury Lastname DH'sLastname and he is DH Lastname Mercury'sLastname. I think it's cute but it confuses the older relatives who use fb. That cracks me up the most. "Can you explain the name thing please?" Hah. People.

Mercury's picture

Yep. But just on social media. Neither of us have any professional contacts on our fb profiles so it didn't seem like a loss of identity doing it that way. We got to play with the symbolism without having to actually follow through on anything.

Jsmom's picture

He will get over it. DH has, but it does come up every once in awhile and my answer has been that there are too many in this town with that last name and I would rather not be associated with any of them. He shuts up then!

Lola383's picture

lol I was just thinking of how I am going to take my sweet time changing my name. Is there really a time window to change it?? I can only think ahead and reasonably assume I want the same last name as my kids. FDH would not like if we hyphenated our kids names; I've been playing around with putting my last name as a second middle name; hyphenating; etc. I am proud of my last name as well..Maybe I should just hyphenate in the long run but as torture I'll just take as long as I need to officially change it. I guess life's given me a shitload of lemons and I gotta make some massive batches of lemonade *trying to be optimistic*

Bojangles's picture

My children have my last name as their second middle name. Sometimes I wish I'd pushed for them to have my surname but I didn't because at the time I felt it would create more of a sense of inclusion with their half siblings from my husbands first marriage. Now I think it makes no odds really, and one of my stepchildren has taken BMs maiden name anyway. I have no issues with having a different surname from my children, everyone connected with them knows I'm their mother. And they could choose to use my name when they grow up anyway. Admittedly DH was a little put out when I didn't 'take his name' but he got over it.

Jsmom's picture

Couldn't agree more....They don't change their names, why the hell should we. I like my maiden name and if I changed it professionally, it would be career suicide.

Willow2010's picture

I would tell your DH that you are not changing your name because it is going to cause SOOOO much confusion. There will be TWO people with the same name. That are actually sort of related. Your mail will get mixed up, people trying to get ahold of you will get her and visa versa. ECT.

Tell him that once she gets married, and changes her name AGAIN, you will change your name to DH's. That way there are not 2 people with the exact same name.

hereiam's picture

He would be giving up his own identity

But it's ok and expected for us women to do it.

I tried to get my husband to take my last name and he wouldn't (I have not taken his). What's funny is, he sometimes gets mail with his first name and my last name or people address him as Mr. Hereiam, since it's my last name (they figure it's his).

I also told him we could both change our last names to something completely different. He doesn't want to do that, either. Fine, keep your name and I'll keep mine.

I definitely wouldn't change my name if it was going to be the same as his daughter's, especially if she is not trustworthy. Different middle names or not, I would think there could be some mix ups that would be a pain in the ass.

Merry's picture

Yep, me too. I did take my first husband's name; never really felt right. Took back my maiden name when we divorced. By the time I met DH I was well established in my career and didn't want to change names for that.

Suggested to DH that he change HIS name. Oh NO, he couldn't give up HIS name. He "got" what a double standard that is and he didn't press the issue. I think he was disappointed that I didn't take his name, but we were too old to have children together and I just couldn't see a reason. Now we joke about it. I tell hotel clerks how irritating it is that he wouldn't take my name and it looks to them like we're not married and isn't it such a scandal. Which of course is ludicrous at a hotel -- those folks see it all. Makes everybody laugh.

And I get mail to me with his last name, he gets mail with my last name. "Awww, how cute," we say. He even got something with my ex husband's last name once. That was not cute, but fit nicely in the trash.

Do what feels right to you. Your FDH is being a jerk if he's making a big issue out of it, especially if he refuses to change his name in any way.

QueenBeau's picture

Wow I am amazed at how big of a deal it is to change names for some people.

Then again, I guess I could see that - DH & I are both descendants of slaves. I don't give a flying f*ck about my maiden name, because some slave master gave it to my ancestors. It has no meaning to me. Same with his last name. They're just names. So it's cool to have the same one... so I changed mine.

I had no attatchment to that name.

StepKat's picture

I went the traditional route and took my DH's last name. I love his last name even though my surname was very unique. I kept my surname has a second middle name. I wouldn't let a kid control your choice to change your name or not.

Goincrazy40's picture

I did not and will not take DHs last name. Two reasons. #1 I have had my last name for 18 years of my professional life. I'm not changing it now. #2 Me and his ex wife have the same first name. No way am I going to have the same first AND last name as her! I don't want anyone confusing me with that asshole!

She won't change her name back because she doesn't want anyone thinking she "kidnapped" the kids. Uh okay. During the whole 10 hours a week you are allowed to see them. Whatever weirdo.

DH doesn't care anyway. We know we are married.

overworkedmom's picture

I took AHH's name... BIG MISTAKE. I wish I would have kept it the same as my kids. Now I am stuck with this name because I am now known professionally by it and I don't want to confuse people.

Harleygurl's picture

I didn't take DH's last name. My oldest BS21 has my first husband's last name, second birth son BS15, has my second husband's last name and since I seem to suck at marriage (LOL jab at myself) I decided to keep my maiden name because I have had that name longer than anyone else's. We are a barrel of fun in airports! LOL When my kids were much younger Security would be like "Are you the baby-sitter?" Nope! I'm the mom. Neither one of my kids look like me which adds to the confusion.

Keep your name. I have a friend that has the same problem as you. Her ex-DIL had the exact same name. It was quite the hassle in terms of credit reports, police reports, etc. Ex-DIL was trouble from the word go and my friend is very well know in our community. Lots of volunteer service, etc. Ex-DIL's shenanigans caused my friend trouble and time because she was always having to explain "That's not me! That's my ex-DIL in the police report!"

stepinhell617's picture

I don't have DH's name either. We were in our 30's when we married, I had a degree and a career and my name is my name period. He wanted us to have a "family" name (ie- his because of SS)so I told him could change his Smile I have mine, he and SS have his, the girls are hyphenated.

misSTEP's picture

LOL - she WANTS to be known as POS???? In the automotive world (maybe others too), that is short for Piece of Shit! Blum 3

BethAnne's picture

I share my first initial with my sister and when we were living at our parents house, this did cause some issues with mail etc. I imagine that with the exact same first and last names there will be confusions.

It sounds like you are not completely against changing your name (ignoring the SD), so you and your husband should have a discussion together and try to work out a compromise. Maybe keep your name for legal and official business but be known by your married name amoungst family and friends etc? Or just do whatever you want, really it is for you and your husband to decide together, with so many options available these days you should be able to come up with something that you are both happy with.

Do you really think that SD is going to change her name? Is she actually going to go to the bother of doing it and paying for it?? It sounds like a whim to me, call her bluff and change your name...she'll probably never get around to changing hers.

simifan's picture

I find her timing very suspicious.

I took DH's name because it was important to him. I considered hyphenating for about 5 seconds until i realized my maiden name was 9 letters & DH name was also 9 letters.

Do what you want & ask DH to change his. I know when my son was born my father's family addressed gifts to my son (who is named after DH) as : BS MyMaidenName Jr. I though it hysterical. DH was not amused.