Feeling powerless & out of control
I'm having a mini meltdown. I just need to vent to write down my feelings whether they are right or wrong. I'm due for my first baby in 8 weeks. MIL has put such strain on my new marriage - and quite honestly ever since DH and I first got serious - that DH is now "every day feeling upset" He told me last night he feels like I alienate myself from his family and that he has to seperate time with his family with time with me. He couldn't elaborate on that for me though. I attend every single family function he has. I think he is really getting at his Mother. Who is also known as Marie Barone. This woman has been constantly trying to put me in my place and make me feel like I am either not good enough -which she means not as good as she is - or I don't do things the right way. She is rude to me, she makes comments or demands things be done her way all the time. SO I just stopped communicating with her during my wedding planning after a major blow out I had with her after she felt the need to call me up and tell me how my maid of honor was a complete bridesmaid zilla and full of shit. Nice, huh? This woman has no respect for me. But anyway, based on advice from my mom and aunt, I backed off and let DH handle his mother.
My dog was recently diagnosed with cancer and 3 weeks into his chemo treatments she is at my house alone with me in the kitchen and asks how long he'll live for after the chemo is done..and when i tell her how long she then proceeds to tell me not to get another dog because I am having a baby and that will be enough. Totally insensitive, rude, intrusive comment! I just said to her I'm glad he's doing well with his treatments and I haven't even thought about another dog; I'm just happy I still have him. Like WTF!!!! This is the kind of garbage she feels she is entitled to say to me! And with the baby she has already declared Tuesdays! and how I will spend that day " I'm taking Tuesdays, and you and DH will come over after work to have supper with us and then you can take the baby home". Each time she has said this to me my response has been, "well I first need to discuss what my schedule will be like with my boss first." **note - per DH, this is not a clear, nor a good response. What I SHOULD have said to her was, "oh MIL that's a great idea! IF I end up working on Tuesdays I'd love for you take the baby and make us dinner!" :jawdrop: WTF DH..NO NO NO NO NO...My parents and my aunt- whom we are asking to be the godmother - have just said, "I'll take a few days! Let me know what you need!" Like, that's awesome...super helpful and I'm really appreciative. But MIL is telling me how it's going to be and I then have to arrange everything around her? What is with Tuesdays anyway? She's retired! She has no job! isn't every day an open opportunity?! OMG I just can't deal.
Christmas, Easter..you name it..She ever finds out that a holiday is being spent with my family she either calls up DH angrily to tell him how that's not fair or she demands that we split the day. We NEVER split the day when a holiday is with DH's family. What kills me is that DH just says "She's an italian mom! that's how they are". I told him that type of intrusive mother is so alien to me I just cannot deal. And now he expects that I should have to structure my reponses to her in such a way that I'm giving her what she wants? NO! If my parents acted like her I would say something; but with MIL I cannot say anything. I feel so powerless. I feel like I am at the mercy of what makes his mother happy and I cannnnnnt deal with that!! And DH is upset about this "every day"???? OMG..He says that he can see I don't want to invite his mom over for dinner and I won't want to spend saturday or sunday afternoons with them when the baby is here... it's because I don't want to hear her tell me how I'm not doing things RIGHT. UGH.. We are adults in our 30's! We are successful people who can take care of ourselves. I am not used to have a parent be so involved in my life at this age. Hell my parents never call me! They let me call them. MIL is an everyday thing. I want to shoot myself when I see her name come across my caller ID..i just can't take her. And i really don't believe it's all on me to fix and I need to just accept that she's an "italian mother" and that's how "they" are!
- Lola383's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You need to read The Dance of
You need to read The Dance of Anger. This is a relationship triangle between you, your DH, and your MIL. Each of you gets something different out of it, but it serves each of you in some way. Explore your part, understand theirs, and then change it.
But you ARE going to have to be clear and concise. Shoot me if you like, but your DH is right- your answer is wishy washy and invites her to steamroll you. (Not that his answer was perfect.) I'm a direct person... I would have smiled and said "I appreciate your excitement, MIL, but right now I'm a little overwhelmed planning for my first child and I don't really want to make any concrete plans. I'm not even sure how I'll be feeling. Please just allow me to enjoy this moment, day to day. This is all new to me."
UGH! I have MIL issues too
UGH! I have MIL issues too so I know how you feel! MIL had me in tears 2 days prior to our wedding just being such a pain in the ass about EVERYTHING! MIL had me in tears at the hospital after giving birth to BS5 again, just being a pain in the ass about EVERYTHING! On top of all of that MIL likes to be bestest buddies with BM1 and GBM1 who are nothing but trash, DH never even dated BM1 so it's not like she was ever "part of the family", yet MIL loans her money, gives her rides, scolded DH for filing for CS when SD17 lived with us for 2 years and BM1 never paid a dime.... I can't stand the woman. Thankfully in my case, neither can DH.. so he generally puts her in her place and doesn't get offended or scold me when I do things like unfriend her on FB, not return her calls etc.
So sorry you are having to deal with this!
I don't think I need to tip
I don't think I need to tip toe around her and be careful with how I respond to her, either! I thought it was pretty obvious that by saying I don't know what my schedule is like yet for when my maternity leave is over is pretty clear that I can't comit to you having Tuesdays! But she is the type of woman who thinks is she says it super early then she's covered.. I get that she is DH's mother..I feel for him, I do. But she is NOT my mother. I have a mother and she is sooooooo not like MIL. DH actually told me we need to give her a holiday schedule so that she knows which ones she's getting with us. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! What kind of life is this?! My parents just respect that I am married and have to share my holidays with my DH's family. MIL does NOT. This baby is is the first thing I'll have in this relationship that is actually mine. Everything else has been an adaptation on my part to fit with DH's life. I moved from one state to the other because that's where SS is and DH wouldn't leave him..so now with my first baby, MIL thinks she's going to tell me how it's going to be? Oh no no...i will lose my mind on this woman and then the alienation will really happen. I get that she's excited about a new grandbaby - but do not tell me what my schedule will be like before I've even worked it out with my boss yet! I have a running list of all things out-of-line she's done to me in the last 4 years...I'm at 18.. and I know it's not over yet! But even so..what REALLY bothers me is that my DH thinks I need to fix this. It's not all on me. I do not need to yet again change my life to accomodate him or his mother. I'm the wife. I'm the PREGNANT wife..how about put me first!
DH actually told me we need
DH actually told me we need to give her a holiday schedule so that she knows which ones she's getting with us. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! What kind of life is this?!
^^^^^^^^This was my life when married to my ExH. It was horrible once I gave birth to my son (the first grandbaby on both sides). ExMIL became so needy and wanted us there for every holiday. To make nice (back then I was a people pleaser) I would split holidays, placate the MIL with time and effort and then spend scraps of time with my parents. I look back on it, 15 years later with my Mom passed now, that I really should have spent more time with my family, not given more importance to my ExH family.
Just because your DH let his
Just because your DH let his mother control him HIS whole life does not mean that YOU need to let her control YOU too!
Will he go to counseling? He needs to realize that you are perfectly in your right to set boundaries (and you can get stronger about actually SETTING the boundaries) with his over-intrusive mother.
You do need to stand up to her. Whether he likes it or not. She will get mad, of course. People who control everything get upset about that which they can NOT. BUT, in reality, you hold the power. He sleeps with you and not her. Plus, YOU are having a child. She will have to be retrained how to act if she wants to be part of her grandchild's life.
Just because your DH let his
Just because your DH let his mother control him HIS whole life does not mean that YOU need to let her control YOU too!
Will he go to counseling? He needs to realize that you are perfectly in your right to set boundaries (and you can get stronger about actually SETTING the boundaries) with his over-intrusive mother.
You do need to stand up to her. Whether he likes it or not. She will get mad, of course. People who control everything get upset about that which they can NOT. BUT, in reality, you hold the power. He sleeps with you and not her. Plus, YOU are having a child. She will have to be retrained how to act if she wants to be part of her grandchild's life.
I suggested we go to a
I suggested we go to a marriage counselor. I'm looking into it now. It's really sad that we need to go seek counseling because of his MOTHER. She should be ashamed of herself.
Your MIL reminds me of an
Your MIL reminds me of an ever so slightly more pushy version of my own mom. There is no winning if you are the DIL. My bro and his wife are married 4 years, I see it with my bro and his wife who are somewhat estranged from our family. Think just Christmas Eve and children's birthdays spent together, and personally I think Christmas Eve is going out the window.
I think my husband is direct with my mom and. She gets a "does not compute" look on her face and then asks me for clarification. The best I have done lately is try to keep my husband happy by being more direct early on with her myself, and redirecting and explaining as many times as possible as to keep the peace in my home.
Your husband says yes to her the same reason I say yes to my mom. You are, as my DH is, a reasonable person, and will compromise. She will not, and she will hound him until she gets her way. My aunt would come over and help me after my DD was born, she would ask do you want me to do X? Would it be alright if I Y for you? Sure! I would always say yes, she would say wow you are so much more agreeable than my daughters! My answer was, with my mom, you choose your hill your die on. If something she wanted was equivalent to about 75-85% of what I wanted, good enough for most things. That way, when I raise my voice and say "no way!" She listens...usually.
Whether or not this is your
Whether or not this is your own mother or MIL you need to put up boundaries. You will become very unhappy if you are being forced in to a relationship or way of life that you are not comfortable. Give direct clear answer. If DH says yes, you say "I appreciate the offer MIL but that does not work for me". This is your and DH's child. Not MIL's.