So What Do I Do Now?
So I ended up on this board on Thursday wanting to run away from my own life and I immediately received support (thank you all), and then tried to give some support to others. I did a little bit of disengaging, baby steps because I have bio kids. I figured out I don't hate my SKIDS, I'm just exhausted and feeling a bit used. So disengaging even a little has been good.
One thing I did do, is stay home with BD4 instead of going up to the snow wiht MIL, FIL , DH and SKIDS. BD4 was sick and I thought this would be a good way to start disengaging from MIL.
See one of the things that made me come to this board is that my MIL called me a "drunk" in front of our kids. It was a joke, so at first I didn't take offense. I don't drink that much, so it wasn't true in any way shape or form, so it's not anything anyone would take seriously, but I guess it bothered me. After five years of her passive aggressive behavior, it bothered me.
To me a "drunk" is someone who sits on their butt drinking and does not help out. I am taking care of a householdl of six. I take care of her son, her grandchildren, and I work full time. I am exhausting myself... yet she reduces me to the title of "drunk" in front of my kids.
The next evening, DH said something that I perceived as a criticism, and I freaked out. I blew up and threatened to leave. Way over the top, way out of character. After some digging, we realized MIL's comment really did a number on me.
So, without me there as a buffer, the trip to the snow turned into a huge fight between DH and his parents. To his credit he went to bat for me. It was a long conversation where DH confronted MIL about all her passive aggressive behavior towards me. Told her I was his wife and she was always trying to take over whenever I put anything together like a birthday party. He told her it was not ok to insult me.
The conversation went back to his first failed marriage and how much she had to do with that. He ended up confronting her and asking her if hshe was just trying to get rid of wife number two to see if wife number three would be any better.
Get this... she didn't deny it! She said, "well... you guys did get together kind of fast" (we've been together five years now, and I actually believe we're going to make it).
So there it is. I mean there were years of passive aggressive behavior pointing to this, but now it''s out in the open. At least I can look in the mirror and hold my head up high, because I did nothing to this woman except try to be part of her family. When she had surgery, I took a day off of work and cooked a pot of stew and went over to take care of her. I've tried to invite her to outings with my mom. I've tried to include MIL and FIL on every holiday.
It's never been enough. She just wanted in my house. She wanted to be buying my soon to be 50 DH socks and underwear. She wanted to be cooking in our kitchen. If she knew I was baking a BDay cake for someone, she'd bake a bigger, better cake. Silly territorial stuff like that.
I had to put my foot down when I came home from work at six one night to find that my MIL had taken up residence in my kitchen, made food, invited the neighbors, and started a dinner party with them and the kids before I got home. She saved me some, how great, lol! DH knew that was out of line because of this stuff happening in his previous marriage. So we didn't confront, but we made ourselves busy for a a while and didn't see them.
When my father died, MIL and FIL did the absolute minimum. They did not give my mom and I any support. Then, last year, they put pictures of all the kids on their Christmas tree... all except for BD13. And this was just after we lost my dad, her grandfather. Christmas morning at our house, I kept waiting for my MIL and FIL to do a toast to my dad on our first XMAS without him. Instead MIL started ranting at the table that we didn't welcome her enough in our home. THe meal DH cooked was ruined.
This is the same stuff she did to BM, so I guess I can't take it personally.
But this is so disappointing. We just went through years of custody battles, child abduction, and false accusations from BM. Things were finally starting to settle down because BM found a partner of her own... and now MIL is screwing everything up. It feels like the entire Universe is out to destroy this marriage, I swear. We have 3 kids with special needs.... frankly I don't know how were handling all this.
So what do I do now? MY DH is a good man, he is supportive, he loves me, and he's done nothing wrong. He just wants MIL and I to get along so we can have a healthy family, but I don't think I can see past this. Plus, she refuses to apologize for anything. She won't even apologize for leaving one kid of of the xmas tree. How can I forgive when there's neverr any ownership on what was said or done? For one thing, I'm keeping my daughter away from this woman because she has her own bio grandparents who adore her, and she doesn't need this crap.