Lt. Dad's Fireside Chat Series: Good vs. Right Partners
Welcome back everyone. Take a seat next to the cozy fireplace. Grab a glass of wine, some popcorn, and a marshmallow to toast. Today we're going to cover good versus right partners.
When we think about the "perfect" partner, we tend to be very vague in our descriptions. We want them attractive, smart, driven, employed, good in bed, etc. We scour the earth looking for our lobster to join claws with, and when we find one - OH, it's MAGICAL!
Except, sometimes, we don't ever look past the vagueries. We don't ask ourselves what we really NEED or WANT out of a partner. Sure, after a bad break up, we might decide that dating a DJ again is a bad idea, or that we really DON'T want kids, or that living in Arizona permanently would be a damned nightmare.
While these things are important, they stop us from really figuring out what we need to be compatible, and how to properly weigh those needs against the rest of our desires. For example, I thought DH and I had great communication before COVID. But now that we're stuck with each other 24/7? We have found the cracks in our communication and have realized just how hard it is for us to change our communication styles to make our points and to listen. Good news is that we've recognized the issue and worked through this, but it has left me wondering, what if we couldn't work through it?
There comes a point in a relationship where the details have to be just as compatible as the "big stuff". But, it's hard to find a mate who matches at the level of how you articulate thoughts (e.g. need time to think or speaking off the cuff) and physically manage finances (e.g. spreadsheets versus checkbook) and interact with family (e.g. talk about everything versus an annual trip) and watch a show (e.g. talking through it or binge watching) and decompress on a daily basis (e.g. total silence or blaring music), etc.
So what do we do?
Many times, we attach ourselves to the "good ones" and assume "good" means "right". They're attractive, financially stable, own a home, like to travel, but...
"OH MY GOD, WHY DON'T YOU IMMEDIATELY JUMP TO FIX A PROBLEM?!" Or...
"SWEET BABY RAYS, HOW DO YOU MANAGE YOUR FINANCES ON A MONTHLY SCHEDULE, IT MAKES NO SENSE!" Or...
"CAN YOU PLEASE GET TO THE POINT OF YOUR STORY, WHY DID YOU TAKE THE LONG WAY AROUND?!"
Folks, finding a "good" one doesn't mean you have found the "right" one. We've all heard that "love isn't enough", but neither is someone who has all the qualities of a good mate.
I have dated both men and women who I'd give a 5 out of 5 stars...for someone else. They're excellent people, but for a variety of reasons, they are not my lobster. Often, I discovered this within a few dates. Some, though, I kept around for much longer, and one time nearly destroyed my career in order to follow them on an adventure that was so anathema to who I was, and am, that I would have been MISERABLE even if it has worked out.
Good people, the lot of them. But - OH. Not my kind of right.
So, if you're just dating right now and are finding that it's tougher than it should be and that you're not finding happiness, but you don't want to lose someone who is "good" and think you're just "wrong", perhaps consider that maybe this person is GOOD, but they aren't RIGHT.
Not every relationship will end because of toxicity and drama. Sometimes, relationships to good people end because you just aren't compatible. That's 100% okay, and 100% of the reason why we date. We're trying to figure out if good = right. If it doesn't, please give yourself permission to end the relationship and not feel guilty over letting a "good one go".
Well my darlings, that's all the time we have for today. I hope the snacks and treats were tasty.