I feel your exhaustion and grief.  You are a good person who is carrying a tremendous load.  Your heading asked, "should I quit or should I commit?"  I'll skip to my answer which is I think you should quit.  Here's why: among all the problems you are shouldering and all the people you are responsible for, the first and foremost is your son.  You admit he's been on the backburner and he"s acting out.  He needs you.  He needs a you that is sober and composed.  He needs a drama-free life. Neither you, nor anyone, has the emotional bandwidth to deal with everythng you describe and calmly parent a little boy.

I commend you for your enlightened devotion to the stepson.  You are right, that child is going to have a tough time.  Is it worth your sobriety?  Is it worth your son's welfare?  You can't save everyone but you can save you and your son.

After all the losses you've had, I'm afraid the loss of this man and son will feel like another.  Please talk this over with your therapist.  You sound depressed and you admit to a drinking problem.  If your therapist isn't addressing those issues, please find someone else.

I'm going to be thinking about you.  Please take care of yourself and check back in and let us know how you're doing.  Goid luck, Almathea.

You have been and are going through a lot. It is good you are in therapy. Hopefully your therapist is helping?

 First, you need to get the drinking under control. Even though it makes you feel better in the short term - overall it is a depressant, and the last thing you need right now is something to make you feel depressed. If you haven't, tell your therapist about your drinking and see what they think might be helpful. I personally don't believe that everyone who goes through a period of using alcohol as a way to deal with emotions is truly an alcoholic - but that is something you are going to have to figure out for yourself. If AA doesn't seem like a good fit, there are other programs out there that use different approaches.

If you are depressed and talk therapy isn't helping, you might consider using an anti-depressant until you are through this rough phase. I'm guessing you are "self-medicating" with alcohol to help you deal with the depression. If you can get the depression under control, everything else will be easier.

You need to understand that SS is not your responsibility. It is great that you want to help, but if his parents won't step up and do their part, there is no way you can solve all of his problems on your own. We have a saying around here, "You can't care more than the parents." It definitely applies in your situation. While you can do all the research, your SO is the one who would have to make the appointments and take SS to them and then follow through on making changes in how he parents. If he won't do any of that, you are wasting your time doing all the research.

Can you try and separate your feelings of responsibility for your SS from your decision on whether to continue the relationship? If SS wasn't a consideration, how would you feel? Honestly, it doesn't sound like your SO is all that supportive. The fact that he is in recovery, and when you admitted you were were worried about your own drinking and he had no response, is something you should be concerned about. Is he ever supportive of you?

Your own child is having some issues, and that is where your attention needs to be. SS already has two parents, and it is not fair to your child to have you too involved with the issues that SS is having to be able to deal with your own child.

You sound like a great person who has a lot goals and the ability to really succeed in life. I know this sounds harsh, but you shouldn't give up your own wants and needs to try and "fix" a child who is not yours. Especially when you don't have the full support of your partner. From what you have said, getting your partner involved is going to be an ongoing battle that you are never going to win. You are going to do most of the work, and he and the ex are going to never do their share.

Would it be possible to live separately and date? You could keep your SO in your life, but not feel responsible for SS? I know that can be difficult, but it is something to consider.

You sound like a wonderful person who is completely overwhelmed. Please continue seeing your therapist and if you don't feel like they are helping enough, consider trying another one. Please keep us updated.

You're a kind soul and a natural giver. One of the downsides to that is you can lose yourself in the process. I think you have to quit and here is why. You are not at a point where you are able to develop healthy boundaries. By that mean helping others but maintaining the understanding that you cannot want something more for someone than they want for themselves. People will not change unless they want to and are willing to commit to that change.

You also have your own child you have to attend to first and foremost. You have aspirations you have not met. Continuing a life in servitude to others while neglecting yourself and your child will lead you down a dark path of anger, resentment and helplessness.

You say you love this man, but why and for what reasons?  This is something you have to ask yourself and answer honestly. Healthy relationships consist of two people who add to each other's lives in some way. Is he willing to support you in your goals the way you support him. He he is willing to follow you and be there to support you while you chase your dreams. The things that will make you happy and proviya better life. 

If not then why? You have shown him what you are willing to sacrifice for him and his child, is it not only fair he do the same in return. If he is not willing to make sacrifices for you then this is not an equal relationship.

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line is - don't sacrifice your happiness to care for your stepkid. Many on here have started with positive relationships with their stepkids, only to have them completely turn on them by adulthood - especially if that stepparent is the only real parent in their lives. Kids are loyal to their mothers, and at some point, your SS will likely rebel against your "strictness", which isn't supported by either parent - and then you will wonder why you wasted your life staying in an unhappy marriage just for his sake.

For the time being, though - work on you to deal with all the loss you've had, so you can be sure you are making the right decisions for the right reasons.

Oh honey. 
 

Been there. 
 

First and foremost you have to sit down and have a long hard think. What-outside of all of this-do you want your life to look like? Does it include any of these people? If it doesn't, or if it requires great change on their part, you know what you need to do. If there is a sliver of "yes I want them" then you have some more work to do. We cannot control anyone but ourselves. We can't make SO see that the world isn't always 70 and sunny when in reality it's a f-Ing dumpster fire. But we can change how we react to our circumstances. If you stay, SS will undoubtedly be a part of that. There is no espcaping that fact. Your level of involvement with home however, is your choice. On one end, you solely support our SO as he makes parenting choices, you suggest, give your opinion when asked but you withdraw your horse from the SS race, you can be warm and loving when the moments allow but any and all problems are SO's and SO's alone. No pick ups. No baby sitting. The opposite end of the spectrum is you take the SS horse by the reins and you drive. You make the rules, you call the shots and SS abides by the same rules as your own son. If you choose this option, I've worked with ADHD/ODD kids and the quickest way to get them in line is predictable, conistant outcomes. Delineate between mom's and home expectations. There's no rule saying you can't say "here this is the expectation" period. When my SS was 7 (he had ASD) he understood this because we treated him with love, respect and we're consistant whereas mom's was a free for all. It did take some time to adjust. I would also look into Positive Parenting Soluntions, it's helped immensely with both my kids. My only caviat is that in the beginning with SS some "bribary" may be necessary, you did a good job here is a sticker/small reward/extra game time etc. If consistently applied this works wonders with ODD. 
 

all that being said the latter is exhausting and SO needs to be 100% on board. In order to get him on board you need to have a come to Jesus conversation with him about how you feel and where you are at. If walking out is an option, he needs to know it's on the table and he needs to know why you don't want to go there. He needs to know explicitly and concisely what you need him to do. Spell. It. Out. If you don't know what you need, figure it out. It's not fair to expect someone to meet a need you don't even have a handle on (not saying you do, but just in case that comes up). If he can't do what you're asking, or if he won't, you again, know what you need to do. All he needs to do is try his hardest to pull his weight. That's all you need from him right now. Once he gets his barrings, slowly add more and more until he's doing it on his own. 

while we are on SO-my SO is 13 years sober from heroin. Addicts, are deep thinkers when they're on the outside. My SO doesn't normally have the wisdom of the world to offer to me on the spot, it comes out in other ways and often days later. This is one of those areas where if you need him to give you more, you need to tell him. You need to feel seen. You presently do not. I'd look up the 5 love languages and start figuring out things there if you haven't already. 
 

as far as grief goes-I stopped counting at my 5th loss mid-year and there's been at least 3 more since. I am struggling too but the only thing that has helped-is leaning into it. You need to cry-girl cry. You need to rage-go lift, run, box find some physical way to appropriately get that shit out of your body. You need to sleep-sleep. You need a mental health day-claim that shit. You deserve it. The only way out is through. 
 

as far as your drinking goes, I can tell you from experice, numb doesn't feel any better than what you're presently feeling. I have the natural ability to shut it all off, when I was young my trauma taught me how. I lived in that world for years, where I would kill to feel anything-anger, sadness, anything but I couldn't. That's my biggest fear. There is no reprieve in numb. It's not better. In my opinion it's worse because at some point, you are not in control any longer. The pain you feel is from LOVE love for SO, love for his misguided son, love for the people you've lost, and if you want to do any of them justice you will give this world the biggest middle finger you can muster and keep loving-and loving yourself above all else. Don't let this world make you hard and bitter. That's what it wants. Don't let it. You are clearly a caring, introspective, driven, smart person. The world can't afford to lose you to numbness.
 

before you do any of this- take care of yourself and your baby first-whatever that looks like. I have 2 sks and 1bd and there are times I prioritize her first even though I call SS my own. She only has me and her dad. My sk's have me, their dad and their mom's (even if they are shitty). It's okay to set aside you and your BS time-the parenting course I suggested will tell you how. And know, no matter what you decide, we are here for you. We are rooting for you and we are sending you all the best vibes. Know also, that you are free to tap out of the Step life at any time. Just make sure that's really what you want. 
 

<3  
 

Should be working to gets handled on your life.  SS is not going to get better.  He' need structural life.  What SO is not doing. 
 

There is a lot of pain in your post.

Please know that you are not alone!

Keep reading here and you will see that.

Why do you need to go? What makes you feel that way? You are established and doing well. You don't need to add that extra stress to yourself. You said before that he would live with his parents? Maybe he take a break over there for a bit and see how you feel then? 

I know that when I get a break from my bf and his daughter, the air in the house seems lighter, people can breath, and we are productive, and functioning. 

It can work.  When the parent or parents who bring prior relationship progeny to the relationship have clarity that the relationship and their partner come before all else.  

I am happy that the do-over with your SO is proving to be more successful for you.

Enjoy.

Alma,

I had my rescue project phase.  It never workshsD.  Equity life partnerships require both partners to deliver.  Your partner is not delivering.  His past performance and lack of current performance shows he won't deliiver going forward.  As for the failed family breeding partner your failed partner chose.... this BM speaks for the quality of choices your SO tends to make.

You cannot continue to sacrifice yourself and your own child on the alter of SParental martyrdom to this shallow and polluted gene pool without tragic life long consequences for you and your child.  The tragic losses you have experienced in the past few years have to be dealt with.  You must give yourself permission to grieve, work through the grief process, and to heal.  You owe this to yourself, and to your son.  Those loses were not your choice.  Sacrificing yourself and your own son to the willful parental, family, and adult failures of your SO, the BM, and tragically their special needs son is YOUR choice.  Make a different choice.

This man is not your equity life partner and there is about zero chance that he will ever be able to step up and be your equity life partner.  You have a heart for service and to rescue.  If you are going to successfully rescue this drowning man and his failed family he has to drop the 10,000 pound rock he keeps purposely trying to put on your shoulders and step up.  This is not on you. It is on him.  This man and the BM have to be the ones to step up on their own volition.  They won't.  They have proven that.  You have to take off the rose colored rescue glasses and focus on you and your own child.

You have an amazing life to live.  Are you willing to give up your own dreams..... politics, law school, a service focused law practice, and raising your own child to viable adulthood without the baggage you are currently forcing on him?  You cannot sacrifice your own child to your SO and the BM's failures to step up to parent and care for their child.  Your SS does not and should never trump yourself and your own child. Particularly when his mother and father have proven repeatedly that you and your son do not matter to them.

Now for your choice of tragically flawed partners.  Your X/baby daddy, is a lost cause, your current SO is a lost cause, and he has the baggage of his failed family that makes he and all of them unrecoverable.   A rescue project has nearly zero chance of being worthy or you or the ability to be YOUR equity life partner.  You need to adjust your perspective on the quality of character, performance, and commitment that you true equity life partner must demonstrate to truly be your equity life partner.  The right person will not bring more baggage to your life, you will not have to drink yourself into numbness at night due to being overwhelmed by his failures, his goals will align and support your own, he will be additive to your son's life, he will partner with you to blend into your life, and you to blend into his.

You cannot love, fix, or help anyone until you learn to put yourself first, love yourself first, and to surround yourself with eagles to soar with rather than surrounding  yourself with chickens who can't pick through their own shitty life choices.

Also, keep in mind that you will not be leaving.  If is your home, the home you have acquired and made for you and your son.  That home has to be the sanctuary for you and  your own child.  Some day when you define the standards of behavior and performance that your true equity life partner will meet, the two of you can make a home together.

Equity life partnership is not about perfection. It is about team work, performance, and making a life together.  Sometimes one partner takes the load, at other times the other partner takes the load, but most of the time they take the load together.  Currently my DW and I are in a fairly extended phase where she is supporting us.  I am making every effort to re-engage my own career and am struggling with not being able to take some of the load off her shoulders.  I am confident we will get to our usual balance.  Until then I do whatever possible to take pressure off of her.  I cook, I clean, I make every effort to make coming home at the end of her work day as relaxing as I possibly can.  When she vents, I listen with the intent of understanding and I make a huge effort to back off of my usual solution based discourse.   As challenging as a 60% reduction in our income has been for nearly 2 years, we have worked the plan we developed together early in our 26+ year marriage to set our housing, transportation, and life style to the lowest of our two incomes in order to provide for our retirement.  Even equity life partnerships are not without their challenges.  Even during those times the partnership is the focus. It has to be.  Nothing else works in my/our experience.

Don't settle.  Love yourself. Love your son.  

Be good to, and take care of ....you.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.