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Going from 2 to 1 SKs during visitation...

lieutenant_dad's picture

I've been thinking about how much different it will be when OSS is off to college and YSS come overs for visits with DH. I've had a few different scenarios run through my head: YSS never coming over for a full weekend again, YSS coming over for every weekend, YSS asking to live with us, etc.

YSS is very close to OSS, and I know it's going to be a pretty big shock to the system when OSS leaves. I'm worried about YSS living with BM without OSS as a buffer. YSS has a lot of BM and DH's bad qualities (not to say he is a bad kid, because he's pleasant, just much more an angsty teen than OSS), which just fuels the "what ifs" even more.

For those who have gone through this kind of transition, what was your experience with the younger SK(s)? What changed with the SK or BM/BD or your SO? Any words of wisdom or things you wish you knew before it happened?

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somethingwicked's picture

Both skids were PA'd by their mother so the relationships were always pins and needles for years waiting for the manipulations and drama to expolde or unfold. .When OSD went off to college and younger was left she continued to come and visit as usual but her attitude was improved w/o her sister around .She  more engaging .

Her sister was a bully and intimidated YSD into following her lead . 

We were both so amazed by the change in YSD attitude /behavior.She was like a different person.Pleasant .It didn't last too long b/c her mother came down harder on her since the mini wife /avartar was not directly  in the picture to orchestrate the drama.

Words of wisdom? Enjoy any improved behavior if any while it may last.

classyNJ's picture

somethingwicked said it: Enjoy any improved behavior if any while it may last

We went thru this just recently.  When SS21 went off to college SS17 wanted to come live with us becuase SS21 was the buffer at DBDB house and neither of the boys like or respect their SF (or DBDB for that matter).  They do not parent nor pay any real attention unless its a photo op and we stupidly thought that SS17 - then 13 wanted structure.

My DH is a parent.   A little strict, but a good parent.  This kid was great for the first 6 months.  everyone including DBDB family commented how well he was doing, etc.  But once the praise was over he went back to his dick self and long story short, he made up lies, CPS was called and he is now back at DBDB with no parenting and just doing what he wants.

He only calls DH when he wants something or it is gift grab time.

ESMOD's picture

We actually saw more of YSD when her sister went out on her own... but probably because we were doing a lot of fun trips to FL on the weekends..lol.

OSS won't be here or there.. so I guess YSS will have to learn to adjust to the new dynamic wherever he is.

Gimlet's picture

You know more of my details than most.

OSS stopped overnights when he was a senior in high school.  He is enmeshed with BM pretty badly.  YSS started coming to DH's house (we were not living together then) more when that happened.  He graduated from HS this past May and has been here 90% of the time since.  He goes to his mom's to see his brother, as OSS has only been here about 5 times in the past 4 years, every so often and will stay for a few days.  

BM still likes to poke her nose in things, but since YSS is not useful to her she's a lot less concerned with him than she was with OSS.

As much as YSS is a struggle at times, his attitude is so much better than his brother's and the less time he spends there, the better it is. 

Aniki's picture

SS20 and SS17 are very different creatures. SS20 never missed a weekend up until he joined the Army.

Once SS17 got his DL, EOWe stopped. He comes over for a few hours on a random Saturday or Sunday or he and DH hit some of the sporting goods stores and check out fishing equipment. He hasn't stayed the night is about a year.

strugglingSM's picture

My SSs are twins and are still young teens, but one is semi-PA'd and also enmeshed with BM, so he has started to not come on some weekends. Even DH will admit that it's so much nicer when he's not around. Not only do we not have to deal with his drama, but we also have less drama from BM because she doesn't really contact the other SS when he's with us (as opposed to the other SS who she is in almost constant contact with when he is at our house). 

Now that ski season is almost over (both like skiing, despite BM's protestations that her special SS hated skiing, so they will come on ski weekends), I'm keeping my fingers crossed that overly dramatic SS will be around less. Of course, now that BM knows DH won't fight to make him come for the weekend, she has decided that she will make him go to our house for the weekend and claim she is "too busy" to have SS at her house during that time. 

It's sad for him, because he's really missing out on having DH in his life, but it's amazing how much better visitation weekends are when overly-dramatic SS is not around. 

Felicity0224's picture

None of mine have gone to college yet, but in the past two years my SD14 has become super involved in a lot of extracurriculars and also become popular socially. As a result, she often stays at BM's (she lives a lot closer to the school) when my SD16 is here/with DH. Honestly it's been a lot more pleasant than I expected. Which is strange because I've always been much closer to SD14. And SD16 and I have had some rough times over the past few years (actually she's had a rough time with every single person in her life, not just me). But without SD14 here, she's come out of her shell and is more fun to be around. We don't have to constantly hear their bickering either. She's gotten more involved with DD6, whereas she always takes a backseat to doing anything with DD when SD14 is here. All in all, it's been a nice change in dynamic.