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Well, I'm a FT Stepmom Now...

lieutenant_dad's picture

You read that right.

Eternal Teenager voluntarily handed over custody of YSS.

Without giving away too many details, YSS had a mental health crisis earlier this week. DH now has him in therapy. ET is also dealing with having to move ASAP, so she and her DH are moving about an hour away to somewhere they can afford.

All of this has had DH prepping all week for a potential battle with ET about YSS living with us. She beat him to the punch. She's taking YSS EOWE, she is giving up CS (per the state calculator, she would owe less than $100/mo and it's not worth the fight), and she, OSS, and YSS are currently packing up YSS's stuff to deliver here.

DH and I have a lot to discuss, both with each other and YSS. But, as of now, I've entered full-time stepparenting. 

Comments

Rumplestiltskin's picture

 Crap. I'll be sending good vibes. I don't know what your feelings on the subject are, but if anyone can set boundaries and make it work, it's you. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Thanks for the kind words. My feelings keep bouncing back and forth. I think once things get settled, I'll feel much better. Since this wasn't a planned transition, it's a bunch of chaos at the moment that is keeping me distracted.

advice.only2's picture

While I know it's not ideal, you and DH can give YSS stability and actual responsible adults who can help him as he prepares to enter the adult world.   Also you and DH are much better prepared to help him deal with his mental health.  
I don't really feel bad for EET she is a sh@t mom who never deserved the amount of effort your DH gave her. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I hope we can do the right thing for him, and I do hope, for the boys' sakes, that ET gets her life sorted. I worry that I've built this up in my head that it will be easier than it actually will be.

tog redux's picture

Well, good for her. At least she cares about his well-being more than CS. That's more than I can say for most of the BMs on here.

Good luck - hope it works out well.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I was surprised that she broached it with DH first. I wasn't sure how the CS part was going to go, so I'm pleased that it wasn't a fight...yet. I just hope we handle this well. We're going to talk to YSS's therapist next week about parenting classes/counseling for us.

Thumper's picture

LD---do yourself a favor, get that cs from ET.

IF nothing more than this, minor kids need to know that both mom AND dad help out.

You can always stick it in a saving's account for SS.  DH will be in court anyway with a necessary new order. Kill two birds with 1 stone.

JMO of course.

SS will be in very good hands with you and DH.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

CS is eventually going to be a fight, or at least will eventually have to be handled in court. DH is in a place now where he is calm about the situation, so I'm not going to poke the CS sore spot yet. By the time summer hits and next school year rolls around, if ET is still EOWE, then I'll push (as might DH - he is now hyper-aware of how much it's going to cost).

JRI's picture

I became a full-time SM 3 different times.  Each child came under different circumstances.  I was surprised to see that the tension level in the household went down once the SKs were full time.  I now think the back and forth of transition was hard on everyone, including BM.  So, good luck, Lieutenant, you might be pleasantly surprised.

I do think now that I reflect that in one case, the child felt that BM had let him go too easily.  This was OSSthen14 who was there one summer a lot and just easily transitioned into full time.  I think he felt she should have fought to have him stay with her.  So watch your SS for signs of grief.  Maybe with the EOW schedule, you won't have that.  In our case, BM never sought regular visitation.  It was sad.

  

  

lieutenant_dad's picture

ET and DH settled on EOWE, and I'm sure any additional time she wants over breaks and holidays (since that's the arrangement they had until yesterday). I think just having stability will help YSS. He starts therapy this upcoming week, so I hope that helps. You can tell that he and OSS are bitter/upset about the situation (I think OSS is just tired of the constant revolving door of sh*t happening), but I think there will be some relief that there is some stability.

Gimlet's picture

You already know my thoughts.  I echo the sentiment that if anyone can do this, it's you.  You're smart, you're caring, you're reasonable and not a pushover, and you have your DH on board. 

YSS may not realize it now, because he's a teen, but he is incredibly lucky to have someone like you in his corner.  I think you've been life changing for those kids. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Thank you to both you and Aniki for being beacons of rational thought over the years. This has been chaotic for a long while, and I'm hoping for some stability AND good outcomes for YSS.

And we'll see if he still thinks he's lucky when I get on him about putting his laundry away LOL.

Aniki's picture

He may not think so now. Hopefully, it hindsight, he will understand. My Dad always says he thought he was a big meanie. I certainly thought so when I was younger. Now, I'm extremely thankful for him molding, guiding, and giving me great tools to adult.

MissK03's picture

Well, it seems like ET did you guys a favor and with that it sounds like that is the best option for YSS and you guys too. 
 

Hopefully the headaches ET causes will start going away with him being with you guys full time. In my experience, I wouldn't be surprised if ET stopped taking him at all... 

Although I miss the EOWE the skids use to spend at BMs it is nice never seeing her with my own eyes. If they were still going to her house the issues we have (mainly with SS17 because his genetic makeup is BM) would be 100 times worse amongst other things just by who BM is. Most of my issues with her are her attention seeking circuses she puts on SO. BMs like ET and mine just want the show/title but, don't actual want to parent. They just want their babiessss to stay their babiesssss. Maybe ET has reached this point now that's it's just too much for her to actual try and parent. 
 

Good luck with working out the details! It will all work out. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Thank you for the insight!

I don't want her to disappear, and I don't think she will. At least with YSS being a teen, we don't have to worry about babysitters and can go do things. That will help me the most.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

stressful and has you feeling anxious, but it sounds like this is the best thing for your YSS. Hopefully, it won't strain things too much for you or your DH, but sounds like at least YSS can have the stability he probably needs right now by staying with you. Let's just cross our fingers that as soon as YSS adjusts and is starting to get better that ET does not try to wrench him away and back to her home because that will not help YSS with the recovery/healing it sounds like he needs. Sending positive vibes your way!