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I'm Being Selfish and Immature But I Can't Help Myself UPDATED

Learning to Stepparent's picture

SD6 has a Mother's Day tea party in her kindergarten classroom on Friday. BM lives 3 hours away and while she does see SD pretty regularly she is not at all involved in her day to day life. I attend school conferences, doctors appointments, make the appointments, the only thing I do not do that a BM does is attend meetings at the Friend of the Court so I just assumed I would go to the tea party. The other day SD asked me if I was going to the tea party or if MIL would. I said she could ask whoever she wanted and she immediately said she wanted MIL to go.

I do think she should take whoever she wants but damnit, it still hurts my feelings. I suppose I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up and just assumed that I wouldn't go from the beginning. I picked her up from school yesterday and she wanted to tell me all about the special projects they are making for the moms that come to the tea party. She told me that "grandma can't see it cause it's for her but you can." Gee thanks kid.

I think DH thinks I am being too sensitive about the whole thing. I pointed out to him that no one questions his role in the family. He is the only father BD10 has since her sperm donor is dead so no one gives it a second thought when he attends parent/teacher conferences or doctors appointments. Neither one of the kids asked to take anyone else to the Father-Daughter Dance this fall so I don't think he really has a frame of reference for how this makes me feel.

On the other hand he could be right and I just have to accept that despite the fact that I am raising the kid, I am going to be forever on the same level as chopped liver when compared to BM and MIL. Such is the life of a stepmother.

Update: So MIL had asked me to double check the time of the tea party so she could tell her boss so I did and called her today to confirm it and she said she told her boss she felt like she should go and her boss agreed it was important for her to go. Then she went on to say something about me going and I said "no, I'm not going. SD doesn't want me to go she wants you to go." So MIL says "oh, I didn't know if you and your mom were going too." It's a Mother's Day tea party not a grandparents tea party. If every kid brought their mom and both grandmothers there would be about 100 people in that classroom. It's not a private party for SD, it's for the entire class and their mothers.

Comments

grace8205's picture

I can totally understand your feeling of disappointment and being hurt but at that age and even when the kids are older they do not get it. I never expected anything from skid when it came to Mother's Day, even though I have done much more for him than his own mother since I have been in his life. My birthday is not acknowledged (which is the 9th of May right near Mother's Day), Christmas I get something register or a $10 bath set while the expectation is that on holidays or b-days that he should be spoiled. It's hard but you have to have thick skin when dealing with skids, it will a,ways bother you but it does become less.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

As it happens BM and I share a birthday. When SD was with me on our birthday I made sure she called BM. The phone was on speaker so I could hear BM prompting SD saying "what are you supposed to say to me today? What are you supposed to tell me today?" Finally SD gets it and bursts out with "today's learnings birthday!!!!!"

Granted, she was 4 at the time but still. I nearly wet my pants laughing. BM had SD for our birthday last year. Do you think I got a call on my birthday? Nope. Doubt I'll get one this year either.

grace8205's picture

I can totally understand your feeling of disappointment and being hurt but at that age and even when the kids are older they do not get it. I never expected anything from skid when it came to Mother's Day, even though I have done much more for him than his own mother since I have been in his life. My birthday is not acknowledged (which is the 9th of May right near Mother's Day), Christmas I get something register or a $10 bath set while the expectation is that on holidays or b-days that he should be spoiled. It's hard but you have to have thick skin when dealing with skids, it will a,ways bother you but it does become less.

grace8205's picture

I can totally understand your feeling of disappointment and being hurt but at that age and even when the kids are older they do not get it. I never expected anything from skid when it came to Mother's Day, even though I have done much more for him than his own mother since I have been in his life. My birthday is not acknowledged (which is the 9th of May right near Mother's Day), Christmas I get something register or a $10 bath set while the expectation is that on holidays or b-days that he should be spoiled. It's hard but you have to have thick skin when dealing with skids, it will a,ways bother you but it does become less.

grace8205's picture

I can totally understand your feeling of disappointment and being hurt but at that age and even when the kids are older they do not get it. I never expected anything from skid when it came to Mother's Day, even though I have done much more for him than his own mother since I have been in his life. My birthday is not acknowledged (which is the 9th of May right near Mother's Day), Christmas I get something register or a $10 bath set while the expectation is that on holidays or b-days that he should be spoiled. It's hard but you have to have thick skin when dealing with skids, it will a,ways bother you but it does become less.

Indigo's picture

Parenting moment for DH that was lost. How do kids develop empathy? How do they grow to consider how others feel? Typically a parent has to teach them. A parent models it and encourages any inkling they have. It's a developmental thing.

This young, DH had an opportunity to redirect and support empathy in his daughter. DH could have suggested that perhaps 'Learning to Step' might like to go since she drives you & meets w/teachers & blah-blah. Mother's Day also celebrates everyone who acts in the nurturing capacity. DH dropped the parenting ball completely by not thinking. IMHO

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Another point I think may be relevant is that BM is not coming. It's not as if I wanted to go in place of BM or anything. SD didn't even ask BM if she would go. I don't know if that means SD already knows BM won't come for it or what.

Totalybogus's picture

I agree with Road...If I'm the CSM, and I'm raising the girl with the support of my husband, the girl's father, I AM the female role model in her life. I will be involved in education decisions, extra curriculars, medical and any and all celebrations. I would foster a good relationship with the girl's mom and make sure mom is invited to everything. The ball would then be in her park as to whether or not she wishes to attend. I don't think that's selfish.

Totalybogus's picture

It's perfectly natural for you to feel as you do. Don't beat yourself up. You are not being overly sensitive. However, ALL children hurt their parent's feelings. Part of being the adult is to own your feelings, and then let it go.

DaizyDuke's picture

Meh, I get that it stings... but 6 years old are silly like that. Sometimes DH will get butt hurt because if BS6 has the day off from school and I have to work, I will ask him if he wants to stay home with daddy or if he wants to go to Grandma Daizy's? RARELY is there even a millisecond of hesitation.. it's "Go to Grandmas!!!!!" Grandma's are fun! (unless it's my MIL and then they are a pain in the ass Wink )

Most 6 year olds concerned about being politically correct or hurting feelings... AND to be honest, you gave her the option of choosing.

dannio45's picture

Ok. Here is the deal that no one tells you. Are you ready for this? You are not their parent. You are a legal strangers and have no say as to the raising of said children. You are not recognized under lawso get over it...... My son's step dad thought it was a good idea to walk into my kids Dr appointment. He did not have a signed release and now he and my son's doctor got a summons to court for violating HIPPA. Expensive lesson for both.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

I'm not trying to be snarky here, I'm genuinely asking.

Why did it make you so angry when your BD's stepfather went to doctors appointments? I mean unless the step parent is pushing for things that are detrimental to the childs health or something why does everyone get so up in arms over this?

I will never understand why people feel so threatened when another adult cares enough about their child to attend things like school conferences and doctors appointments. Perhaps there is more to your story but I can't see turning a doctor in for a HIPPA violation when the stepfather presumably had your sons other biological parents permission to attend. Were you there also and felt threatened?

In our case, BM seems to feel that as long as someone takes care of it that means she doesn't have to so she is cool with it.

DaizyDuke's picture

I agree and wondered the same thing. If DH and I ever split up and BS6 had a step mother who loved him, treated him like her own, wanted to go to games, wanted to go to Dr.'s appointments, wanted to go to teacher's conferences, I would be thrilled!

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Could be.

I know in some ways I am luck with our BM. She is a horrible mother, she is borderline negligent and abusive and at the end of the day just wants SD for the fun photo op moments but doesn't want any of the actual work or responsibility that comes with having a child.

The lucky part is that when someone else steps up to the plate to do the job that she walked away from, she doesn't care. DH tells BM about all the evaluations and doctors appointments and what is going on with therapy and all she has to do to find out about parent teacher conferences etc is call the school and set it up. But she doesn't. Bottom line is she just doesn't care and as long as someone else is taking care of it and not bothering her she is good with that.

twoviewpoints's picture

From your original post

"The other day SD asked me if I was going to the tea party or if MIL would. I said she could ask whoever she wanted and she immediately said she wanted MIL to go."

I will assume your school realizes that not all children have readily available biological mothers for these events. Whether Mom has passed on, can't get off work or lives too far away. Here when the room mothers call for classroom parties or notes come home for fieldtrips and such, they make it very clear 'guest' doesn't necessarily mean mom or dad. They want the child to feel included even if SM, Grandma, Aunt and treasured neighbor lady is welcome.

When SD came and asked if you were going, it would have been perfectly acceptable for you to reply 'would you like me too?' or 'are you inviting me, how nice of you'.

You're right, she's free to invite whoever. But it's ok to let her know you'd be happy at her invitation if she's indeed inviting you.

As a total aside , she's six. She has dental issues. Silly little girl might have thought she'd get more punch and tea cakes with GMa than SM, lol. Kidding. Just be sure she knows you are an option on these types of events. Just because you aren't 'mom' doesn't mean you'd wouldn't be quit pleased to be her guest if she's inviting you.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

SD knows from experience that BM won't come.

Interestingly, BM was just up here for mediation on Tuesday. She had told SD's teacher a few weeks ago that she was going to come visit the classroom this year so I gave the teacher a heads up that BM was going to be in town and since she said she was going to visit the classroom it would likely be that day. BM had mediation at 10:30 in the morning, and then had an appointment at the post office at 3:30 to get SD an enhanced ID so she could go to Canada with her next month. We have no idea what she did in the intervening hours but she did not go to the school to visit, she didn't even pick her up from school. She did call DH asking for us to give her 2 blank checks to give to the post office to pay the fees for the enhanced id or whatever she is getting.

SD had a swimming lesson that afternoon. BM knew about it but didn't stay to watch her lesson even though SD would have loved it. She drove all the way here to see SD for all of 15 or 20 minutes.

So no, she isn't going to come up for the Mother's Day tea party.

notasm3's picture

She's 6. A 6 year old doesn't often think of being giving and generous on their own.

When my nephew was 6 I took him to buy his mother (who he adored) gifts for Mother's Day. When we got home I said I was so proud of him for spending the money I gave him on her and not himself. He looked at me all wide eyed and said "You mean I could have used the money to buy stuff for me?" He'd have bought stuff for himself in a minute over his mother - well because he was 6.

I felt the need to encourage him to give to others as he was living with me temporarily. He's now grown and is a wonderful, generous young man. (Not because of my one action though).