Very Odd Behaviour!
My husbands 2 adult daughters have continued to make demands and cause us difficulties over the years and i just wondered whether anyone would like to comment or to reassure me that they have had similar things to contend with.
They have demanded of their father the following:-
1. "You promised us you would never re marry after you divorced mummy and now you have married "that woman" we will never speak to you again"! (They do still speak to him but not me)
2. "If you have an accident or are ill we insist on being told so that we can be there if you die" (They caused a major scene at hospital when hubby fell off his bike and broke a rib - he vowed never to involve them in future)
3. "We want to be invited at weekends to stay with you and be part of your life but we don't like "that woman" but that's ok we can put up with her to be with you daddy" (we don't invite them, ever)
4. We insist that you make provision in your will for us now that you are married to "that woman" because we suspect she won't be fair with us when you die" (Mmmmm............!)
5. When hubby bought me a new car for Xmas they demanded a new one each! - He gave them money to keep the peace.
6. "We want to be invited to your wedding and be given status as your daughters as long as you realise we hate "that woman" and hate the fact that you have disobeyed us in marrying her" (We didn't have them at our wedding - his choice not mine - you would not believe the hurricane that caused)
I could rant on and on but suffice to say this is a small taster and it's been going on for 8 years.
These 2 monsters are 22 & 24.
I disengaged some time ago so only hubby sees them very infrequently.
We are happily married despite all of the above.
Comments?
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Comments
LauraKR, It looks like you
LauraKR,
It looks like you are also the "name that shall not be named". My name is not to be mentioned in front of BM-or you'd think its the end of the world.
I have 3 SD's-25,23,21. My situation has not become that bad yet- but I can see my future in your story. I think that you are already way ahead of the game than most- you've survived 8 years- and you've learned to Disengage. I think some of those Spoiled rotten behaviors come from a combination of their generation- and possibly their mother's influence- the girls are always keeping "mom's vengeance alive through them and their evil ways. I give your DH mucho credit for standing by your side. It is not always for them to "let go" of their own children- even in the face of their crazy and unacceptable behavior. I find it Amazing that he even left them out of the Wedding.
The holidays always bring out the "best" in everyone- or not so much. This year, I have the two oldest SD's "disowning" me, hating me, boycotting me (again)- and the youngest- so far, is still respectable and willing to come around. The battles with the Skids have been ongoing- like a roller coaster ride. Just when I think we're done with one ride- something happens and we're back for another loop. It's been 4.5 years- and I am finally done with their games. I only hope to be able to be strong like you, Demand respect, and move on with OUR lives with or without them.
I think it must be terribly difficult to watch the dissolution of Father/Daughter relationships- it's not something I want to see happen to my BF either. But how can we- as the lifelong partner- be forced to tolerate Bad behavior by these "adult" children. I am starting to realize- they need to make a decision about their relationships with me and their father- based on how THEY feel- not what their MOTHER feels. However- her influence and the power of Maternal Loyalty runs deep in their veins.
Me and my BF have not married (yet) and he's always said he will NEVER get married again. Sometimes I Feel he WANTS to, but doesn't want to "hurt" his EX or the Girls feelings. I think he really worries about how they "FEEL" about it. In a way- I don't care. I am happy with or without "marriage"- however, he doesn't see that he is HURTING ME in the process of protecting their feelings. WE have already discussed a scenario- that if it EVER happened- we would go to Island in the Bahama's- and not tell a soul until we got back. And I am perfectly okay with that.
These behaviors seem to be Typical of unaccepting- spoiled rotten Step Daughters. They will always feel they DESERVE their daddies Love, Attention, and MONEY before YOU. I admire how well you and your DH have handled the situation so far, I hope I can do the same!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
BBGF
Dear Stepaside I asked my
Dear Stepaside
I asked my husband to read your reply.
It has given us a glimpse of the future, as have a few other comments on this site.
It feels good to have support from people who have experienced similar things but we are both feeling bleak about the future. I think I feel worse about it than he does to be honest because if it wasn't for me he'd still have a decent relationship with them. His view is that they have caused the rift because of their behaviour. He has pulled away from them and maintains a fairly superficial relationship with them now. He tells me he can't relate to them and that he's come to terms with the fact that he may end up not seeing them at all.
The comments you have made really hit home.
They are all of those things and more.
I still have a secret fantasy that they will knock on the door one day and tell me they have made a terrible mistake and I'm not the awful person they thought I was and that we could all be friends.
Silly aren't I!
Thank you for your support and words of wisdom.
Kx
Dear Stepaside I asked my
Dear Stepaside
I asked my husband to read your reply.
It has given us a glimpse of the future, as have a few other comments on this site.
It feels good to have support from people who have experienced similar things but we are both feeling bleak about the future. I think I feel worse about it than he does to be honest because if it wasn't for me he'd still have a decent relationship with them. His view is that they have caused the rift because of their behaviour. He has pulled away from them and maintains a fairly superficial relationship with them now. He tells me he can't relate to them and that he's come to terms with the fact that he may end up not seeing them at all.
The comments you have made really hit home.
They are all of those things and more.
I still have a secret fantasy that they will knock on the door one day and tell me they have made a terrible mistake and I'm not the awful person they thought I was and that we could all be friends.
Silly aren't I!
Thank you for your support and words of wisdom.
Kx
How very true and very
How very true and very insightful all your comments are, thank you.
I reached a point a while ago where I realised I had to pull away from them because it was all making me ill and my husband totally stressed out. I don't see or hear from them now. They don't have our home number, they contact their father on his mobile if they want to talk to him. It works for us even if it sounds strange. Their father says they have destructive intent and need to be kept out of the life we have together.
I have tried to understand their awful entitlement issues and have concluded the following:
When he was married to their mother (by the way she had an affair which ended their marriage long before i came along) they were still greedy and entitled - this is old hard wired behaviour in them. I hate to blame their mother without any proof but it may stem from her. I think she believed that her darling daughters had entitlements and fostered it in them. The result is what we have from them today sadly.
Very interesting what you were saying about this generation. I think it is so true, however i can think of people their age who are absolutely not like this and are loving, happy, well adjusted girls who love their dad and want happiness for him.
I came from an intact home, I
I came from an intact home, I still wore wierd stuff as a teenager though! I pulled some stunts too!
I am married to a man who has three kids, I raised three of my own as a single parent and they turned out fine. SD is the 'pink/bleached hair/coach bag' type ohh and with ATTITUDE!
Her cousin's parents have been married for 20+ years and she does the same stuff! It's a different era to when I was a teenager but kids are kids, regardless, and they are all struggling to iether 'belong' or 'be different' and it's same old, same old.
I had attitude too, as a teenager, and I still have some! I guess that's why I can see where SD is coming from.
I think that we are all capable of going into denial, or desiring different outcomes etc. I honestly do not believe it has anything to do with our parents being together or being divorced. My parents were together right up until my dad died, some 50+ years!
I think that we'll all look back on our experiences and chuckle at some things. Already I chuckle at the audacity of SD! I have to day I would not have dared to have her audacity, my ass would have been sore if did the stuff she has done, and she will still do stupid stuff!
DH and I have been to hell and back with kids and BM and we are still together, getting stronger, and SD actually told me 'I guess I just have to accept that you are not going to leave'. Out of the mouths of babes eh? Not for the want of trying on her part, encouraged by BM.
DH maintained OUR position with SKids, even though he is still 'guilty daddy' and denies a lot he tells them that it will be him and I together long after they leave home.
Dear Goforit How kind you
Dear Goforit
How kind you are, you made me cry!
It brings it all back.
They have missed out on so much, but so have we.
Kx