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Is it an empty nest if I still have ss

Lalena75's picture

My DH has sole custody, BM is a train wreak (but according to her since she has her other 2 kids by the other 2 dads shes not a baby momma) she doesn't provide for ss at all, no job, no license no car and lives with whoever she hasn't pissed off this week. (16 moves in 4 years, 3 in the last 2 months). I am a very hands off SM, he is not my kid, he has 2 parents (even if one sucks). I make sure he has food, clothes roof over his head, medical care and counseling. I encourage him to read books and take him to the library  and support his dads punishments when he is in trouble but rarely punish myself except a time out and wait for his dad to determine if more is needed. I ask about his day at school and other things he does. I don't have an emotional connection to him, idk why I just never have, but I care about his wellbeing. 

So the point, my son, my youngest turns 18 in 2 months and 10 days. He is not going to graduate on time and has given up because of that. He has been taking a first responders class enjoys it and is doing well. He wants to get his GED and his EMT and I'm okay with that. Yesterday he informed me he is moving out the weekend after his 18th birthday and moving in with his sister (that will be interesting) she has 2 littles, and her fiance as well. 

It just hit me I have spent 23 years raising kids, 5 as a single mom and the last 4 just my son (and DH has been there to help of course so I dont consider that single parenting). It hit me today that I won't have a child in my home anymore that I have a real connection with and it saddens me to see my youngest go be an adult(I tried to prepare him best I could for adult like but he is so damn lazy!). I guess in the back of my mind I've known this and I keep talking about selling my house to my daughter and going back to school full time, and travel and a lot of stuff I've always wanted to do, but couldn't because of kids. It hurts DH I think because honestly its selfish its about me, and what I want, the goals ive wanted for years and DH and SS make that complicated super complicated due to needing to relocate and not have the income I do now I can take care of myself but not a family. I'm angry that I spent my 20's giving up everything I dreamed of for an abusive Ex husband and I'm mad I may have to again for a kid I don't love. At least sacrificing for my own kids felt right. I feel like an asshole that I won't sacrifice for my SS but I'm 44 yrs old if I dont do what I need to now then when? Can you have an empty nest with a stepkid? Idk what I'm wanting out of writing this, just struggling with a lot of feelings, I'm not happy at home I work extra to avoid being home where I'm constantly upset that the house is a disaster no one but me goes to the grocery store or makes sure dinner is done at a decent hour or anything the family needs done its constantly having to ask for weeks. I just want to sell my house, go back to school finish my bachelor's and apply to my masters programs so I can fulfill my dreams finally and I feel like an asshole for it. 


SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

It’s time for you to do what’s right for you. Skids aren’t your responsibility or problem. I hope your son is successful in his life plan/goals. I do think he should actually graduate from high school and not get a GED but it’s not my decision.

Goodluck's picture

I cant WAIT for our empty nest.

Please put your hopes and dreams during this time of your life FIRST !!



Aniki's picture

Why do you feel like an asshole?? I'm 54yo and childless. I raised 3 skids (previous marriage) who are all happy and productive and consider me "grandma". 

That's all really nice, but it has NOTHING to do with what *I* want to accomplish. 

Go back to school. Get youy bachelor's/master's. As far as selling the house... is it your house? Or do you and your DH own it jointly? I'm not certain I'm reading your intent correctly, but you kinda sound like you want to fly solo.

Bottom line: you need to decide what is right for YOU and do it. 

Lalena75's picture

Ss is 10, the house is mine. The problem with school is the once I finish my bachelor's it is entirely up to which schools I get accepted to. Even the closest program to me is 3 hrs away and that school isn't even in my top 5 picks. Initially BM was all cool with us moving SS, even out of the country. The drama with her latest soon to be ex husband has her threatening to fight any move. Though based off her history, lack of housing, job, stable anything she would possibly never win but it would just drag things down. I'm the only stable woman (sane, intelligent hard working) I feel like I'd be letting the kiddo down.  Sometimes I think I'm better off not being a wife. I love my husband but things have begun to really frustrate me. I should not be working 126 hrs in 2 weeks paying all the Bill's and then have him asking me for money because his account is overdrawn (tired of asking where the fucking money goes). He's terrible about talking to me about stuff in general but money he just blinks at me, I've seen his bank accounts it's all just random stuff, gas stations too much damn fast food, grocery store, Walmart. I feel like it does add up.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Separate finances.

Go move closer to your preferred educational institution. Without your DuH. He can come visit you if he wants.

Do not move with leech DuH or his brat.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Girl, you need to sloooow down and invest in some work on inner stuff for a change.

You didnt really have any down time between this relationship and you last one, and I think you've deferred a lot of self maintainence. Get yourself a good therapist you can bounce things off of, and start examining all these big feelings. This is a time of transition for you, as a mother and a woman, and you deserve to have some help figuring out what direction you want to set you compass to. Think about slow, deliberate steps, gaining clarity, and getting to know you the person rather than you the wife or mother. It's okay to focus on yourself for a while and shut down the Bank of You, so start there.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

One step at a time. 

First step - stop providing for your SS. Don't grocery shop, don't clean up, don't do anything unless your DH is also contributing and appreciative.

Next - start the process to finish your bachelor's. Sometimes, in our mind, the process is much quicker than it truly works out to be.

Then move on to the other parts of your wish list.

Unfortunately you married a man with a much younger kid. You have to decide if the relationship is worth putting your dreams on hold or not. But in the meantime there is nothing wrong with starting with the above as it doesn't cause any major changes.