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I'm baaack

Lalena75's picture

Though not really for typical SM reasons because I'm not even sure how that is going except it just goes. After the break up and firm removal from my life my ex SO, I moved on vowing to be D.O.N.E. with relationships in general, except well life had a far different plan. The weekend after exSO moved out I had a study group thing I went to and told them I was officially single and glad. The next thing I know I'm informed by a friend of mine and study partner that "No your not, there is no way I'm letting you be single, dinner tonight after studying and your taken."
He lit up the room with his smile when I said okay and I still don't know why I said okay but I did, and I'm so glad I did.
Studying, became a walk that went to drinks to dinner to dancing, followed by daily chats and date #2 as soon as we could, and then date #3, then 4 in very quick succession. Thoroughly enjoying a stroll on his arm he turned and looked at me with the look of a man completely smitten and said "You know we're getting married and your just going to have to accept that." He's right I'm sure I made the strangest fish face like trying to get air, or words or brain function to argue, but I knew he was right.
I was never getting married again, ever not after my exH, and definitely not after my ex bf, here I was laughing and agreeing after dating 3 WEEKS!
Now we're several months down the road from that, still as smitten and still knowing he's the most amazing man ever he's got 2 boys (ones 18 and moved in with his mom, the other 16 and not a fan of their mom so he has him full time) He's a good active dad BM is almost no existent and the only communicate when absolutely necessary (and there's been a few times she was just so uninvolved like oldest sons graduation, youngest sports games she never comes to stuff)Neither pay cs, it's actually kinda pleasant and I like the boys they seem to like me. BUT... see there had to be a but, he lives with his parents (who are awesome and I adore them) who are supporting him through college (long story second exwife destroyed his life and career he had to start over) He works and in May he will walk right into a great job. But again we can't even try the living together thing due to distance, kids and school etc till next summer, and I have to sell my house. I'm suddenly freaking out about it. My kids think he's great they both admire him and approve of it all but now I'm panicking.
Edited to add:
I think a huge portion of my fear is I really have no idea how to be in a marriage/live in relationship with a contributing adult. Both of my ex's we're lazy and lived off me (now they are onto living off other women yay!) FDH actually bring to the table the ability to take care of a family, the knowledge and ability to handle a mortgage, and insurance, and loans you know grown up stuff. Things that have always been mine to handle and even though I'm so sick and tired of feeling like I have to take care of everything I'm terrified of trusting someone to handle it with me, but also so excited that I know I can. I'm afraid I'm going to muck this up out of fear, out of selling my security blanket (my homes have always been just that mine even exH wasn't on the house we lived in it was solely mine)
Plus I took a huge leap and entered into a pre-med program for a BS to get me towards PA school, he's going to get his BSN after graduation in May and is considering either NP or MD so we'll both still be busy for a long time (we're lucky to get 2 days together every 5 and we whine about it) The kids it'll impact the most really is my 13 y/o son and his 16 almost 17 y/o the oldest (his and mine) are working their
ways onto independence


twoviewpoints's picture

Your moving with this way too fast. Slow down and keep getting to know each other. Keep taking the romantic strolls and dinner out. Try some 'family' outings or cookouts on weekends.

If he's Mr Right, he'll still be Mr Right in 12 to 18months. Don't sell your house. Keep it for now (perhaps rent it out if it comes to that). Let him finish his schooling and start his job. Let him get out of his parents on his own and back on his feet. In the meantime, just enjoy the adult companionship , the romantic lover, and a gentleman who appreciates you. If he's Mr Right, he'll understand that you don't want to rush but want to be sure you both have it right this time.

Relax and enjoy yourself.

furkidsforme's picture

^Wiser words were never spoken. You should listen to this advice. You have nothing to lose by savoring the moment and not rushing. There is no hurry.

Lalena75's picture

I'm in no rush we can't even make an engagement official till May (when he graduates)but I can't stop worrying about giving up control even though I know this man can handle it, heck he's had more normal relationships than I (where both adults are contributing to the household) maybe that intimidates me. BM seems cool she's got her own new lives 2 older girls that were FDh's sd'd and two little ones, it's almost like she's a none entity and I'm thankful. His kids don't need raising or manners or attitude adjustments (yay normal kids!)and they're both pretty typical boys for their ages. He and I have ran into a couple issues on kids that we just do differently and that is what it is. I think maybe we've been so busy we have only had brief discussions about expectations for merging families he's done the full on step parent thing for 8 years before , me I avoided it with the ex because even he couldn't manage to parent why should I.
I know I have time, it just doesn't seem to stop the worry.

moeilijk's picture

I'm so happy for you!!

Since you're unsure about what role you'd have if you're NOT the caretaker... maybe do a marriage course or something with him. In my opinion, you know yourself quite well and you recognize a couple of pitfalls just given your past. And it'll be great to get to know him as well. See his character, find out whether you are ok with his negative qualities. And vice versa - make sure he gets to know you.

You can probably find books or even courses (usually religious based, not that's a problem, just a slant) and maybe some online guides.

There's a book, I think it's called the book of questions. There are millions of questions in there. Some of them are very weird, but will defintely get you talking and learning about each other!