They ar son 10 and daughter 16. That's why I have them attempt to address issues there on their own because they are old enough to work on conflict resolution and if I try to talk to their dad he gets huffy says I'm accusing him of being a bad dad and I can go F myself. SO and I expect 1 or 2 chores minimum out of the kids at home except the Sunday they come back from their dads cause they shouldn't have to clean up after he and I when they haven't even been there. My dd has already a few times refused to go over there and her dad says he won't make her but I'm still hopeful he'll salvage his relationship with his kids so I put my foot down that she will go and do her best before giving up. She's pretty sure he won't have any contact with her once she's an adult. They can't stand his gf even though I encourage them to be polite and use their manners regardless she's rude to them. Kids think she's jealous of me and that my kids like me as their mom. She's given her daughter to her ex and when her daughter asked to move back in with her she told her no she didn't want to live with her now she can eat crow (she's 12) who says that to their kid? Sorry to rant on I just want my kids to be happy have rules but be respected as human beings not treated like crap cause I'm their mom.

I try to take what they say with an understanding they could be playing houses against each other. I was a stepkid and did similar but also had a very cold mean heartless stepmom who I still try to have a relationship with as she may be a step but she's my dads wife and my kids grandma regardless. Its why I don't address issues with my ex and remind the kids its his house they have to take it up with him. They are free to vent to me but I will listen and not comment (though sometimes I really want to) I've had exH's cousins comfirm some of the issues the kids have and tell them the same the kids are old enough to discuss it with their dad. I'd like to see them at least have a decent relationship with his gf simply out of respect for their dad, but he's done so much to push them away (he does this to family as a test sees how far he can push them away before they abandon him he's done it to his parents his siblings me and now his kids). As for my SO's ex SD SO has tried to keep a relationship with her asks when he calls his kids if shed like to talk, she won't, invites her over with her siblings, she doesn't come, even invited her for a couple lunches just him and her and she refused. Last time he saw and talked to her was christmas she came to get presents and was upset he had none for her (he didn't know she was even coming) and so she got what his parents got her. They know he doesn't see her so there's nothing for easter either. His ex is ranting on that he has to take her and should go get her a basket. BM doesn't know who her real dad is (or won't tell who he is). So since she was 2 my SO is the only dad she's known so I feel bad for her but she just expects gifts.

Excellent advice for both situations thank you. I think it'll help my kids, and SO with his exSD. At least with your approachhe has a way to give her an opportunity to stay a part of her life if she and BM choose that over gifts. And I get a diffrent way to word things to my kids to try and look at their dads gf in a diffrent angle to see if she can be a positive person in their lives. My ex and I always had a lot of very close friends we and our kids considered family so I can maybe add in for them to try an see her like that. I can feel good knowing they know its okay to let new people be part of their lives. I know I'm a good mom and I know they think so too (my DD even has commented that though I'm stricter than some of her friends parents she likes that she knows there are rules and boundries rather than kids she know that are rude wild entitled brats. Id be horrified if my kids ever treated someone the way some skids treat their families.