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Therapy Wednesday

la_dulce_vida's picture

Happy Wednesday!

I had a great session with my therapist today. My head was in a great space when I showed up. I brought my journal and we talked about a few things in it, but she wants to talk more about what I've written next week.

Recently, I was going through stuff I brought from XBF's house and my other house to the former airbnb and I found a picture from 1968. It's a picture of my father walking to the car in a park and my 2-ish year old self standing by a tree, watching him. All you can see is both of our backs. Him walking away from me and me watching him intently. And it struck me - this is the story of my relationships with men in a single photo. They are walking way from me (avoidant or emotionally immature) and I can't take my eyes off of them (chasing).

We talked about how I fall too quickly and become invested too early.....long before I really know these people. And the chemical bonding that comes from sleeping with someone too soon clouds my judgement and I ignore red flags.

We're going to continue sussing out how I got here and how to move forward NOT jumping in with both feet before I really get to know a person. I'm committed to NEVER doing this again - coupling up with men who are not equipped to love anyone properly.

I've made a decision to STOP looking at XBF's dating profile. Up until yesterday, I was checking regularly and for some reason I was happy to find his light almost always green. To me, that meant he was in a panic to find someone new and still struggling. Yesterday when I checked, he hadn't been online for 17 hours. My first thought was: he's found someone and taken things offline. At first, it stung. But, I soon realized that it's only been 3 weeks (as of tomorrow) since we broke up. He is a literal hot mess, so anyone who goes out with him would have to be pretty clueless not to pick up on his mental state. But, I'm a pretty smart woman and I got sucked in.  I don't know what the truth is, but I've made a commitment to myself to simply assume I've been replaced and stop looking. I also deleted our text messages and will soon take all photos of him off of my phone.

As a gift to myself, I have now blocked him, his daughter and his sister from my phone. Progress. It feels good.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Good choice to stop checking his profile. The fact that he had it up when he did says it all. He considers you to be replaceable. Whether or not he finds another sucker is his problem (and the sucker's!) I know what you mean about falling for the wrong guy and ignoring red flags. Most of the people on this site did the same thing. You have escaped! You made the right decision. Keep working on you. 

ESMOD's picture

It sounds like therapy is helping you work through things.  

I have also been likely to fall quickly into relationships.. that in hindsight were not with the best people.

I have to say.. one of the best things that happened with my DH is that when we met, we did not see each other in person for like 6 weeks because he was delivering a boat to the Gulf.  What that meant is that he had a lot of time to talk on the phone.. and I had just gotten out of a horrible abusive relationship.. so I wasn't really into finding a new partner.. but talking to him on the phone.. was kind of a diversion..

And.. we talked A LOT.. like it would get to hours a day we would have had calls.. and over time.. we really got to know each other.. and even at the end of that period. I still told him I wasn't looking to be part of a couple.. but he was persistant.. and would drive 2 plus hours each way to date me when he finally did get back.. and finally he wore me down I guess..haha.

I think it just grew at a slower pace.. and it allowed me time to see whether he was all talk.

It has been 20 years now.. and not all perfect.. but we have a great relationship.



AgedOut's picture

I'm glad you're giving up checking his profiles, for Lent. It only pulls the scab off the wound and wounds cannot heal w/out scarring if we keep picking at them, kind of like poking a bruise to see if it still hurts. It will hurt forever until we stop poking. I had a tendency to do that too but I felt free-er when I stopped. 

Rags's picture

Moving on can be a challenge.  How you do it, can make it either easier or harder.

After my XW moved out, I had a date that night.  Not anything with any chance of longevity. A woman I had dated a year or more prior to marrying my XW.  We are still friends and stay in touch.  Not closely.

For me the time from the night of the day my XW left until I met my DW of nearly 30 years (a period of more than 3yrs) it was about investing in myself and enjoying some companionship.  I dated a number of women for the 3+ years after my XW moved out.  None with any chance of being equity life partners. I was not ready and I made sure that the women I dated were not anyone I could fall for, or  that wanted to fall for anyone.

Not sure what happened at the 3+ years after the final divorce hearing point, but within a short time I met 4 women who were all wonderful and could have been great life partners.  The last of those 4, I have meen married to for approaching 30yrs.  I had a Thanksgiving date with the 3rd woman.  Going to her family's huge Thanksgiving event at her Uncles home.  He was a former US State Governer and a former US Gov't cabinet secretary. Her mom and dad, and my mom and dad went to college together.  I, not with regrets, canceled that commitment and spent Thanksgiving with the incredible woman that I had had a first date with 10days before. 

My point is, do the work, invest in yourself, engage in your new life adventure, for you.  Date, enjoy your life.  When you are ready, and when you least expect it, the right one will enter your life. When you are ready, and they are ready.  I did not have structured criterea for who I dated for the 3+ years after my first marriage ended.  I just knew when I asked a woman out that they were not a partner. Friends yes, partner... nope.  Until, my spider senses identified a change in me when I started dating women who were ready for a partner and to be a partner.

I did not have to navigate this process during the swipe right/dating profile days.  My XW's extramarital escapades were people she gave sponge baths to during her BSN nursing school post op care rotation., or met in any number of face to face opportunities.

Take care of you. Enjoy your new life adventure as it unfolds. Keep doing the work, working with your therapist, engage in activities you enjoy with people who enjoy those things.  Make yourself ready. It will happen.

Give rose