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6 Month Check Up

la_dulce_vida's picture

I've been laying pretty low on the posting front because I had a sense that my ex might know about this page - not sure. But, about 6 weeks ago, I noticed he did something strange that caused me to batten down the hatches here, on Facebook, in my cycling app and on reddit.

As y'all already read, he used to have 3 profiles on the same dating platform: one for the mountain house and 2 for the metro area where we met. About 6 weeks ago, he changed the location for his main profile to the neighborhood where I have a house - where my sons currently live. This location is about a mile from where he has a house. Changing it would not change his search results and would NOT make him look more desirable. His zipcode/neighborhood and mine in the same town are both blue collar neighborhoods. There is no advantage. My therapist is certain that many of his dating profile antics have been to get a reaction out of me. Okay. I was sufficiently creeped out - enough to make my cycling app private. Within days of me making my cycling app private, his main dating profile was taken down. There could be many reasons for this, so I'm not saying there is a correlation.

However, at the 6 month mark and the 1 year mark from when the proverbial sh*t hit the fan for us in 2023, almost to the day, he took other two profiles down. Odd coincidence? Probably. But, it was also the same week as the anniversary of his mom's passing.

More to the point, or should I say, MOST importantly, I have been as busy as a one-armed wallpaper hanger.

As of this morning, I have logged over 800 miles riding my bike since the beginning of the year. I also have a handful of new friends.

I booted Mr. Allergic to Cats out of my life after some creepy comments he made on multiple occasions. I have distanced myself from Mr. Cutie Pie mainly because I found myself in a bit of a friend triangle with a mutual friend from our meetup group. Let's call her Barbie. Long story short, Barbie (super pretty nice girl with 1000 watt smile) who, it turns out is fake AF. We've both been friends with Mr. Cutie Pie since February, but she's been low key possessive and growing increasingly territorial about her friendship with him, when it was clear she was crushing on him big time.

He was never a potential partner for me, but I enjoyed some flirting and a couple of kisses. He's an excellent kisser, btw. Anyway, for me, it was never serious, but she knew about the flirting and the kisses. She would insist they were only friends, but a little while back, they did the deed. So, I was fine with no more flirting and kisses, but she just started acting weird. If you saw them together, her behavior would scream "he's mine." But she'd insist they were just friends and still dating others. But she didn't want me flirting with or kissing him. M'kay. This weekend we were on a camping trip with our meetup group and she was so FAKE and had to be in the center of all the pictures (she's not an outdoorsy girl). She was also UBER nice trying to fit in with all of my female friends. She was trying way too hard, and I realized she's one of those pretty girls who struggles to be friends with women, and who is not a little competitive. I was never competing with her because I don't want to win Mr. Cutie Pie. So after the weekend and some more mixed signals from her, I blocked her on Facebook and officially stepped out of this little Jr. High triangle they put me in. Grow the eff up!! I'm too old for this crap.

I have converted at least 2 ladies into cyclists recently. One lives in my current town and she's a go-getter, so we're riding 1-3 times a week together. This weekend, I'm leading a bike packing trip for an overnighter in an historic lockhouse on the C&O canal with 5 other people.

Next week, I will head up to the area where XBF has his house to attend a women's backpacking 101 trip being run by the local bike/adventure shop. I have been invited to stay with a friend and will attend a birthday celebration on Friday night with some of the old cycling club friends. If the weather is favorable, I'll bring my bike and ride the trail I used to ride all of the time when I lived up there.

After that, I'm visiting a good friend in the Finger Lakes region of NY. I have a camping trip Labor Day weekend with friends, and then I'm off to France for 2.5 weeks in September.

When I get back at the end of September, I have back to back weekend trips to either attend bike events or go backpacking through early November. It's insane........but I love it.

I'm content. I rarely cry anymore, but I need more time to really, truly let go of everything. I still think of him every day. I have mostly good days, but every once in a while, I have a blue day. The last two were kinda funky for me, but a lot of that had to do with adults acting like jr. high punks. LOL

I miss my core group of friends. They have been scattered hither and yon with their own adventures, but I look forward to spending the 2.5 weeks in France with two of them. And I'll cap off my trip with 3 days in Paris on my own. Tres bien!!

I'm not sure what's next for me, in terms of where I live. I am happily settled in my former airbnb, and it's quite possible that after the new year, my DD30 will move out. I am actually looking forward to having the place to myself for a bit. My DS34 still has another 18 months of grad school, but has also started seeing someone (special), so who knows how long he'll be paying rent at my other house.

The value of my airbnb house is almost to a place where I could make a really nice profit on it, but I would need my DS34 to move out of my other house so I could sell this one and move back to Baltimore. I won't ask him to do that until he's done with school and has what he calls his "big boy job." LOL

My Baltimore house finally has a full kitchen and bath in the basement. If needed, I can move my DS28 upstairs and rent the basement apartment out - there is a university next to my neighborhood. That would allow me to stay where I am for a bit, maybe until I retire.

But, the best thing is that I'm getting comfortable with not knowing for sure where I'll be living in a year or two. I'm not thrilled with the prospect of moving again, however. I may just sell everything and start fresh so I don't have to pack much.

And, if I move back in with my DS28 and rent out the basement, my expenses would be really low and I could easily retire at 62....and travel. Hell, I may even get my own van and set it up for vanlife or van camping. Biggrin

Life is good. Really good. I went back and read over all the supportive comments from so many wonderful friends. xoxo Thank you.

 

 

Comments

Yesterdays's picture

It's kind of weird him putting up profiles here and there and removing... I wonder if your therapist is right that he knows that you will notice and it's the only way what he could do would affect you... Trying to get a reaction maybe. If I ever broke up with my husband I feel like I would not want to look at his dating profile for years... Cause I know it would anger and upset me to no end. 

Really amazing that you're going to Paris!! It's lovely there you'll have such a good time. I'm sure you'll bike around there too! Best of luck with everything and keep on having loads of fun ☺️ van living could be fun. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Thank you, Yesterdays. I don't plan to do any biking in Paris. Mostly going to museums and other historical stuff. Oh, and eating croissants and macarons, for sure!! Biggrin

I'll be in Provence for a week doing a walking tour then spending a week with the friend who has a cottage near the Atlantic Coast of France. It's the second week that I plan to rent a bike because the area is very flat. And I will exercise so I can eat all the bread and butter, and drink all of the wine!

Thank you. Everything I've seen from the ex could just be coincidental........or not. I'm working on not stringing together events into a story. The most plausible reason for the dating apps coming down is meeting someone new. If he has, good for him. Maybe not so good for her, but maybe it will be. Hard to tell.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Hey Winterglow. Some where about an hour north of Marseille. I've never been to that part of France, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Winterglow's picture

Sounds like you'd be somewhere around the Luberon - a region I know well!

la_dulce_vida's picture

That name rings a bell!!

I looked it up. We start in Isle sur la Sorgue and hit places such at Fontaine de Vancluse/Gordes, Senanque Abbey, Bonnieux, etc.

I fly out of the US via Iceland to Paris. Then I have to cross town to catch a train to Marseille. From Marseille, it's another train to Isle sur la Sorgue. Then a transfer to the hotel. I'm going to be QUITE exhausted by the time I arrive in Isle sur la Sorgue. Biggrin

After our walking tour is done, I'll be traveling back to Paris with one of my friends where we'll have to take the train to Nantes. She'll rent a car and drive us to her cottage near the coast. It'll be a lazy week of eating cheese and bread, and drinking cheap wine. I'll rent a bike and cycle all over the place because it's so flat. We may visit La Rochelle and Ile de Re. She will surely give me the royal tour.

Then, after a week near the sea, I'll take the train back to Paris to spend 3 days before I fly home. I plan to visit the Louvre as the last time I was there my DD30 was quite ill and we could only tour the sculpture garden. I'll visit the d'Orsay again, and some other museums - l'Orangerie perhaps. I wouldn't mind a tour of the catacombs or to see Montmartre. Maybe a palace. Who knows!? LOL

Do you have any recommendations? I'm staying near the Bastille.

Winterglow's picture

L'Isle sur la Sorgue is a lovely place. It's home to second hand and antique dealers galore. Worth a wander round some of them. Thursdays and Sundays are (7 am to 1 pm) are the market days. Then there's the "Partage des Eaux" (signposted everywhere). It's one of the coolest places there, lots of shade. 

La Fontaine de Vaucluse is liable to be full of people (even in December and January) - there's a crystal maker and a paper mill as well as the "fontaine". The restaurant on the water's edge near the main road used to be pretty good but I haven't been back for years.

Gordes ... well, there's the Village des Bories and the Palais St Firmin. The palais has an underground that's worth seeing dating from the Middle Ages (if I remember rightly).  It contains an oil mill, grain silos, water tanks, etc. Gordes is also a major tourist trap. Beware of the souvenir shops!

While in the Luberon, you might enjoy the reds - Luberon wines are considered Rhone wines. Local produce - fruit, vegetables, lamb (agneau de Sisteron being considered the best) and goat cheese. Don't forget your sunglasses and suncream - the end of the summer can be very, very sunny and hot in the hinterland. Unfortunately, there's also a fair chance of torrential rain and electric storms. Sorry.

While feasting on the Atlantic coast, don't forget the shellfish! Especially oysters Smile

I am of no help for Paris - I've been there on numerous occasions for work but only once ever had the time to explore (and I spent that time mainly in the Louvre and in the shops on the Boulevard Haussmann).

 

Winterglow's picture

As you've already mentioned your appreciation of bread, you probably already know that "pain au levain" is sourdough but I just wanted to  be sure.

Yes 3

la_dulce_vida's picture

Thank you for all of your recommendations! I would love to peruse the second hand shops, but alas, I won't be bringing anything home as I'm sure I'll be overpacked. I'll have to see where we're walking and where we're staying. I'm not sure how I'll feel after a long day's walk, but I will print out your suggestions just in case we have free time to walk around these towns.

Also, I like storms as long as I'm watching them from a covered porch or inside. Smile

I am totally down for some oysters!!

And I look forward to the bread you described. <3

CLove's picture

Saying this with love in my heart - your not quite to meh, and how I know without reading the whole post (which is quite wonderful btw - all your super cool adventures!) is that you are noticing his profile changes. And wondering whats going through his head.

Look! Squirrel!

Biggrin

Glad you are doing so wonderfully.

We just got a 3 month old puppy who is smart AND cute.

Paris! Oui oui!

la_dulce_vida's picture

If I could take a pill or find a way to get to MEH, I would.

I had 7 years to grieve my first marriage before it finally ended.

My XH2 did a good job of being scary and abusive, so I was able to "get over" him (hate him) in less than a year, but really heal in 2 years from narc abuse.

This is different. This may take some time. The ratio of happy to struggles in this last relationship was 90/10. Sadly the struggles were enough that we couldn't move forward together. I need time to fully let go. I'm getting there. My trajectory is good - it's a constant arc in the right direction.

((hugs)) Thank you. Smile

Lillywy00's picture

 She would insist they were only friends, but a little while back, they did the deed. So, I was fine with no more flirting and kisses, but she just started acting weird. If you saw them together, her behavior would scream "he's mine." But she'd insist they were just friends and still dating others. But she didn't want me flirting with or kissing him. M'kay

 

Not your fault she screwed him before a commitment and now she's jealous, emotional, and territorial over the "friend" that blew her back out / not even her husband 

"single until married" (or at least BOTH parties agree on monogamous commitment) is my motto

 

But most of these men are not worth fighting over anyways 
 

CLove's picture

but more importantly good for you for not engaging in her antics and seeing through the bs.

la_dulce_vida's picture

He's totally not relationship material right now. And I will tell you that I really did give her the benefit of the doubt when I met her. I believed her to be a genuinely warm and sincere woman when I met her. I didn't go all "she's pretty so she must be a b*tch." But, it has become obvious in the last few weeks since they slept together that she's a "pick me" girl and is competitive. What weirded me out the most is that I have truly wonderful and close relationships with women, and she seemed to be watching and emulating me. Trying her best to win my approval or something. On the camping trip, I'd be talking to people and she would be with another group (with Cutie Pie within arms reach) and would turn to look at me. When I'd make eye contact, she'd flash this giant smile. It was weird AF. I think she's used to getting all of the attention and flashing her smile to charm people, but it was rubbing me the wrong way.

I will tell you the funniest thing ever, though. We went on a hike on Saturday, but Mr. Cutie Pie stayed behind for some alone time (what's the matter Cutie Pie? Is sharing a tent and spending the whole weekend with Barbie wearing you down? LOL). I'm a sloooooow hiker, so the main group was ahead of me. I found out later that Barbie had intestinal distress on the hike and two of my friends were trying to get her back to the bathroom. Sadly (hysterically) she pooped her pants a little before she could make it back.

The funniest part is that I had NO clue until I was standing on Barbie and Cutie Pie's campsite and my friend that helped her told the story in front of Cutie Pie. You should have seen his face!! The realization that his tentmate crapped her pants. Bahaha! I have a feeling he wasn't in the mood for any fooling around that night. *snort*

Lillywy00's picture

Also don't know if your ex plastered himself all over the dating apps to make you jealous but most likely because he was thirsty for attention (most men cannot hack it as single bachelors - they literally need women so they're more desperate to rush into the next thing).... and if you seeing him out here in these online dating streets made you jealous then an extra dopamine hit for him

la_dulce_vida's picture

His antics on ONE dating app hurt when I first saw them. Except for a few moments where I felt sad or hurt, they have mostly been entertaining. I have a dummy account on the dating app. It's hidden, has no pictures and if it did, has no correlation to me at all (age, city, height, etc). No one would know it's me, so the only way he'd get a dopamine hit is if he imagined it. That is, unless he could see this site or knew my reddit handle.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I'd be monitoring him, too, because I wouldn't put it past him to be trying to get a reaction and he seems the sort to do some creepy shizzit.

Practice kisses keep your lips from cramping when you get into lengthier kisses. Wink

la_dulce_vida's picture

Changing his town to my (other) town was super weird. I went into my dummy account to see how it's done. Apparently, you enter into your ZIP Code And it gives you the option of every little town that's in that ZIP Code. My Baltimore ZIP Code is shared by five little neighborhoods. I didn't realize that his main profile was using a different little town in that same zip code, alreasdy. And yet he felt it necessary to go in and change it to my specific town. I was completely freaked out. 
 

If you know how this dating app works, you can search anywhere in the country based on age ranges and other search criteria. It is not necessary to change your own ZIP Code to search anywhere else. 
 

some of my friends suggested that maybe he was checking to see if I had a dating profile up in that ZIP Code. That's silly because as I said, you can search in any ZIP Code anywhere without changing your own ZIP Code. And I live an hour away from my Baltimore house.
 

This app is not like Tinder. With Tinder, the app knows where your location is and will match you up with other people nearby.

 

Yesterdays's picture

When you said he has a house in the same town.. It's a different zipcode but he used yours? Or is he just trying to make himself show up in your search results so you "find" him... That would be gross 

Yesterdays's picture

I guess he can do what he wants but you're not playing. No reaction from you. It does seem a bit weird he uses your area. Like back off buddy! 

la_dulce_vida's picture

It's weird, but maybe there is a logical explanation that has nothing to do with me. It could all be coincidental.

I want to not care anymore. Wishing the Men In Black mind eraser was a real thing. Have you seen the Ariana Grande video for We Can't Be Friends? In it, she gets her memories erased. It has a kind of appeal.

Harry's picture

Why are you playing games with this loser ?  He told you, dating profile, he still looking.  ? [  For a millionaire to support him. ] And you are not # 1.  Kick him to the curb with his phone. Have a great trip.  

Rags's picture

Too true Harry. It is time to stop the self torture of following his dating profiles.

Better to get on with life than repeat the pain and questioning of fixating on an X.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Welp, I AM getting on with life. And there are no dating profiles for me to see any longer.

I also reserve the right to grieve and heal at my own pace.

I appreciate the support.

Rags's picture

I suggest staying inside the arc of the Sienne river in Paris.  Being inside the arc of the river puts just about everything within walking distance.  Rue Saint-Dominique is ideally located IMHO. We stayed at a small family owned boutique hotel on Rue Saint-Dominique which is within walking distance of the Eiffle Tower, the Louvre, Les Invalides, the Arc de Triumph, etc... and close to several Metro stations that make getting anywhere in Paris simple.

We did New Years in Paris and walked 40Miles in 3 days during that trip. That was NY of 2015.  It was a surprise trip for my bride. It was a great trip.

Originally I booked the Crown Plaza hotel near the Arc de Triumph. I have tons of IHG points and wanted to leverage those for upgrades on that trip. As it turned out, they delayed their opening from a major remodel so we would not have had lodging for the first night in Paris. I had selected Hotel St Dominique as my backup so we shifted the reservation to that hotel which turned out to be an inspired choice.  The location was perfect. Great food all over that area, walking distance to just about everything, the staff was great, breakfast available at the ground floor cafe'.

About Hotel Saint Dominique

A 15-minute walk from the Eiffel Tower and 656 feet from Les Invalides, Rue Cler, the Champs de Mars and Pont Alexandre III, Hotel Saint Dominique is a former 18th century convent with individually-decorated rooms opening onto a floral patio. Invalides RER Station is a 5-minute walk away and leads directly to Château de Versailles. Serviced by several elevators, each guest room at the Saint Dominique Hotel has a contemporary décor, air conditioning, a flat-screen TV with satellite channels, safety deposit box, free Wi-Fi access and a mini-bar with free beverages. The private bathrooms are complete with free toiletries, a bathrobe and slippers. Guests can enjoy a daily buffet breakfast on in the breakfast room or on the patio during sunny weather. The Saint Dominique also provides a 24-hour reception. It is 656 feet from La Tour-Maubourg and Invalides Metro Station, which provides direct access to the Opera Garnier, the Marais district and Montmartre. The number 92 bus is next to the hotel and goes to the Champs Elysées.

Here is the link to the hotel.

Hotel Saint Dominique - Guest Reservations

And... there is a pub right across the street that has late night food and drinks while apparently being a hang out for members of the French Foreign Legion.  We met several very interesting people over cocktails in the evenings after days full of history and adventures.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Thanks, Rags!! This will be my third visit to Paris and I've chosen an airbnb near the Bastille because it's close to the train station I'll be coming into.

I have a pretty good idea of how I'll spend my paltry 3 days in Paris.

My trip brings me into Paris via Reykjavik, Iceland. Then, I have to get from CDG to Gare de Lyon to catch a train to Marseille. I'll be in Provence for a week, then my friend and I will travel back through Paris to get to Nantes. My friend has a cottage near the sea a few hours from Nantes. I'll travel solo back to Paris and spend 3 days there on my own before heading home.

I have my trusty Rick Steves' French phrase book to help me. Wink

Yesterdays's picture

Have a fun trip! I've been as a teenager and loved it. There's so many fun movies and shows  you could watch in anticipation Biggrin lol.

Call my agent is a show on Netflix, in French but I watched with subtitles. I'm a nerd like that I love to watch any movie or show before I go to get excited.