You are here

FINALLY - it ends tomorrow

la_dulce_vida's picture

I stuck to my guns and moved into my airbnb on 10/22 with my daughter.

He was looking for an individual therapist without much luck. I found us a couple's therapist, but she couldn't start seeing us until Nov/Dec. We had a first meeting in October and it was just a meet and greet/intro. She said that while we were waiting for couples counseling (btw - the office was near my house so it required him to drive 2 hours to attend), she wanted to see me 1:1 for at least 3 visits. XBF said that was fine with him.

We did a grand total of 4 sessions. The first couple were pretty easy: love languages, attachment style, etc. It was cute.

Then came the holidays which we spent apart because my daughter was home. XBF was invited.

A couple of days before Christmas a black cloud of depression was hanging over me. I did my best to resist it but as soon as I had my house to myself, I fell apart. I was so distraught, I contacted our therapist to ask if our next session could be just for me - I needed her help.

XBF had stopped communicating (pretty normal) and I assumed it was because he had guests for the holiday. So I didn't want to tell him I was distraught. I waited until he reached out to me and I let him know at that time that I was taking the session for myself. He was not happy about it. He said I should have told him and that I didn't respect his time when he could have been doing something else. I argued saying that I wasn't about to let anyone know I was distraught. I didn't need anyone's happy holiday interrupted to deal with my little funk.

Another reason I asked for a 1:1 session is because in our meeting the week prior, she had asked me a question, and when I was answering it, she interrupted me to ask if I was making excuses. So I wanted to talk to her about that because it hurt my feelings a great deal. I also told her I felt like she was pitching all the hard balls to me and only softballs to the XBF.

All of this was discussed at our next join session and XBF said he understood, but he kept bringing it up privately along with my behavior that night when my friend was visiting. This was despite saying to the therapist that he'd forgiven me and moved past it. Apparently not.

FFWD to me coming up to see him for a week around NYE. I had things to do in the area and I planned to pack more of my stuff to take to my former airbnb.

We had a nice visit. On New Year's Day, we were having a nice meal and I had some wine. He kept refilling my glass to nearly 2/3 full and I asked him to stop because one take away from the fateful night with my friend is that I wasn't going to drink to excess. I don't like where my head goes and this was discussed in counseling. After 2 excessive refills, I hid my glass.

That night, when we went to bed, he was overly affectionate and decided to bring up the 1:1 counseling session, grilling me AGAIN about what we talked about. Then he brought up that night with my friend, and said, "I need you to know that I was under more stress than you were that week. I just need to be sure you KNOW." I said, "It's not a competition." It was said with such a snide tone that I rolled away and slowly rolled over to go to sleep. He asked me, "Is that all you have to say?" I said, "You're right. You win." Note: it was late and I had to work the next day. He got up and slept on the sofa for the next 2 nights.

Our next counseling session was January 3rd and it was a doozy. I was so frustrated with his behavior and still battling the bout of depression, so there were tears and heated talk. When our time had run out, the therapist suggested we continue talking together afterwards - just us. I said I didn't feel safe doing that. She asked if I felt I was in danger. I said, "Absolutely not. I'm only saying I don't feel safe sharing my emotions. I'm not in danger." He was so upset that I said this and that I mentioned that I thought he was trying to get my drunk on New Year's Day. We actually did do a lot of talking after our session, but decided that we had a couple more days before I was going to head home, so let's call a truce and talk about moving more of my furniture out.

So, we did just that. I was gathering things I needed and he was gathering anything he could find. And that hurt. I was crying inconsolably as I gathered my things because I remember all the excitement I felt moving in with him as I carried each item into his house. He looked at me like I had 3 heads, but managed to be consoling. I asked him to stop piling my stuff up because it feels different when you grab your own stuff to take with you, but it felt like a "get out" when he was looking for ALL of my things and piling them up.

We talked about whether or not we should stay together - discussed different scenarios. I asked him if in between me leaving for my house and our next session 1/17, we could not communicate but take the time to think about what we wanted. He agreed.

I did just that. I journaled a LOT and came to the conclusion that we're not right for each other. I knew I needed to end the relationship. 2 days before our next session, he reached out via text to let me know his vehicle wasn't safe to drive and was going into the shop on the 22nd. He offered to zoom into our meeting on the 17th, but I suggested we just cancel the next 2 sessions and reconvene on the 31st. I already knew I wanted to end it, but wanted to do it in person.

In the same text convo, I asked him I could come up on the 25th/26th to get my "clutter" out of his way. I never told him I wanted to move my furniture out - like ALL of my stuff. But that's what I had planned. I reserved a Penske van and my two older kids agreed to go with me to pack (and as a buffer). I let him know this past Monday that I would be coming up for the day on the 25th. He said he had my stuff ready.

I decided it was best to let him know that I would be bringing my kids, so I called to let him know and he asked if I was moving my other furniture. I said yes. Then we talked about our next session and he said he's not comfortable doing counseling anymore after I said I didn't feel safe. He now sees that he's taking a big risk because I could say I don't feel safe again and he could be arrested. (eye roll). I said I understood and would let the therapist know. I asked him if he knows he wants to be done with the relationship, but he hemmed and hawed and said that it's a life changing decision to make and he wasn't prepared to make it THAT DAY. This was yesterday.

Not long after that phone call, it occurred to me to check my dummy dating profile account. He knows I had/have one. Lo and behold, he has a dating profile up ALREADY. I am fairly certain he did it to hurt me.

It was a shock, but the shock has died down. I was already planning to break up with him, so my outrage is misplaced. I haven't told my kids because my DD30 would likely kick him in the nuts. LOL I want tomorrow to be as peaceful as possible.

Even if he thinks we've already broken up, I will do what I promised I would do when we got back together in 2020. I will break up with him face to face. That's happening tomorrow.

After we get everything loaded, I'm going to send my kids ahead of me and then speak to him privately letting him know we are 100%. I will wish him well and be on my way - no looking back.

I am MORE than done with this man. And I find it hilarious that he LIED on his dating profile. He said he has a bachelor's degree. He is actually about one semester short of a degree. He said he never smokes: LIE. And he said he's "spiritual not religious." He's an atheist and is not spiritual. He's clearly fibbing to be more appealing. Especially since he's a liberal Democrat living in a very red, very Trump part of the state. I wish him luck.

There isn't a single thing he can say to change my mind. I'm beyond done with him.

Thank you for your patience with me. Your direct and sometimes harsh words. Thanks for calling me out. It hurts, but not as bad as I thought it would. I know I will be happier in the long run. He is not husband material and I feel sorry for his late wife because I think he treated her much worse.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am strong enough to follow through with this tomorrow, but it is stressing me out. I'm preoccupied because I don't look forward to this. I also need to ask him to reimburse me for some things like the hot tub pump I paid 1/2 for. I can't use it, so I want a refund. If he says no, I will walk away without it.

And when I drive away, that's it. No let's be friends. No staying in touch. If he starts reaching out with regrets or any other kind of manipulative sh*t, I will block him. If he refuses to pay me back, I will probably block him immediately.

What a damned saga. I have some fond memories - beautiful - to look back on. I'll take those. But I now fully admit that I was duped and breadcrumbed into believing he wanted what I wanted. I bear part of the blame for gobbling up those breadcrumbs, but he's a jerk. There. I said it.

My God, I'm tired. I look forward to the peace and joy of focusing on my own life going forward. And I really am sick of relationships. I think I'll make it my goal to figure out why I am repeatedly attracted to (and attract) emotionally unavailable men. Can you say "daddy issues"?


ESMOD's picture

You have definitely done what you could to fully vet out this relationship... I think you are making the right decision.

The only small suggestion I might make is that you make the ask for reimbursement after the fact.. in a kind of follow up email.  It's likely that he and you will be a bit raw and upset to have the convo about money issues.. though maybe a general.. "I'm going to send you and email about a few things that I had paid for here under the assumption that this was going to be a long term home. .I hope you understand that since it isn't.. that reimbursing me for those things I contributed to would be the right thing to do.  I will put a short list of those things together later this week."

In the end.. sometimes there are small prices to pay for making a clean break.. and if he didn't make you contribute any kind of "rent".. he may have felt like those contributions were kind of in lieu of that.. and feel justified in keeping it?

But in the end.. it woulld be the right thing for him to not keep those funds.

la_dulce_vida's picture

He never asked me for rent. I paid 1/2 the utilities and contributed with groceries.

So, you make a good point. I think I should just let it go. It's only about $250. Better to walk away and let it go.

ESMOD's picture

Since he didn't ask for rent.. and unless the utility and grocery money was "excessive".. I would chalk it up to "rent"... and honestly.. peace of mind is worth 250 to

la_dulce_vida's picture

Thank you for this. It will make the ending much cleaner - no reason to communicate.


AlmostGone834's picture

This guy always seemed like he wasn't "all-in" on your relationship. He waivered and hemmed and hawed. I definitely think it was time to cut him loose. I kinda got the impression that he wanted his cake and eat it too. Wanted all the benefit's of a wife without the commitment or risk. Wanted some comfort without commitment after his late wife. Correct me if I'm wrong.

For example... it's a pretty sweet setup for him. You move into his house. You spend money paying mortgage or taxes or whatever. No marriage means no legal claims to anything. The house stays in his name. And if anything happens? He's got all the equity that you helped pay for. And you get nothing. Nope. That wouldn't work for me. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

You're right. He was never "all in." He could talk a lot of pretty stuff (breadcrumbs) but never delivered.

Thankfully the only thing I contributed towards was the utilities and I bought a few things for the house. I never paid rent.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Wonderful update- you are on your way to healing la_dulce_vida. Please keep us updated on your journey - its hard at first but like so many once you get used to flying and are able to spread your wings again, life opens up in a fun way. 

Also - unless the hot tub pump was enormously expensive I'd say- F* it. I had a past ex haggle with me over a carpet - I finally just said, "alright you want the carpet that you hated so much when we got it. Fine by me." It felt a bit powerful to not care and to this day I am happy he got the carpet, good luck dude. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

I paid $211 - 1/2 of the cost. And it's costing me to hire a van to move out of his house (my choice).

I was just feeling petty because of the dating profile already being up.

It's not much. I lost $15K in my second marriage. I'd only be out about $500 from the various things I've bought for his house and yard (plants).

So, for the peace I'd get, I guess it's good to just walk away.

AlmostGone834's picture

The dating profile... I get it. It's painful. The mind plays stupid tricks on us even when we KNOW it's over.  Ok so no rent paid. Phew!

My advice: Tell him that while you're disappointed that you're out the money for the pump you paid half for, you're MORE disappointed for all the time he stole from you with all his crumb promises. And furthermore, that if he isn't interested in paying you back, the $211 is a small price to pay to send him on his way to string along some other poor woman. 

CLove's picture

I know you are sad but in a relieved way.

Take care of you!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Darlin', you have given your all. And I do mean ALL. You've been caring, loving, tolerant, understanding,  available... Unfortunately, this man is simply not available to you or anyone. He wants it his way and seems that he does his best to make anyone feel small for not kowtowing to his wants. He's lying on that dating profile because he can't stand to be alone and is hoping to fill the enormous holes in his life. Face it, darlin'. You're the best thing that ever happened to him. He's never been able to see past his nose to appreciate you.

Remember with fondness the good times you had together. If you feel lonely and miss him, remember why you're no longer together. 

You're a strong woman and I have faith you'll come out of this shining like the lovely gem you are. {{{hugs}}}

Lillywy00's picture

And I find it hilarious that he LIED on his dating profile. He said he has a bachelor's degree. He is actually about one semester short of a degree. He said he never smokes: LIE. And he said he's "spiritual not religious." He's an atheist and is not spiritual.

He's clearly fibbing to be more appealing

A lot of men on dating sites (heck in life in general) stay lying to trap - I mean attract - unsuspecting women 

They lie about their 

  • height 
  • shoe size
  • age
  • penis size
  • income
  • whether they have kids and the level of involvement you'll be expected to do if you stick around
  • if they took their dating profile down once you became exclusive
  • and more (as you see from exhibit A - your ex dudes profile)


Try not to even look At his attention seeking thirst traps if it bothers you to see it. Could be trying to make you jealous or compel you to beg for him back. Ignore!


Definitely praying for you. I know first hand how tough it is. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

He IS doing it to ZING me.

He updated his profile after I left with all of my stuff today.

It now says he's agnostic - closer to the truth but BS.

He added that a good day isn't complete unless it ends with "a good back scratch" - one of the things he loved for me to do.

What drives me nuts is that while we DID go on a great van trip vacation to Newfoundland in June, the rest of the year he didn't do any hikes and only a few bike rides, but his profile says he loves doing all kinds of crap.

I got him out of the house only 3 times this fall/winter. Once for a cold weather van camping trip. Once for a holiday tree lighting in his town and finally for a free concert of baroque music. The rest of the time he's a hermit. But he's desperate, so he'll put on a show just like he did the first year we were together.

I won't be looking again. He sucks.

I have all of my stuff. There are a couple of items that I'm not sure if they are already here at my house or at his house. I am going to look through things and compile a very short list of the items I'm seeking and perhaps he can drop them off in a couple of months - just leave them by the back door, kinda deal.

I didn't ask him to reimburse me for anything.

RockyRoads's picture

Thnking of you. I wish you the best. I know this can't be easy especially since I am also contemplating telling my SO I am done also.  

AgedOut's picture

You tried, you gave all you could and now you're walking away head held high. Never doubt that you didn't give it 100%. You did and even though you'll rebuild yourself now, what you've been through changes you for the best. You are a strong woman, onee who gave it a true shot and one who knows when enough is enough. Be proud of yourself, we are all proud of you. You did your very best and that makes you a strong woman to be admired. 

Harry's picture

It's hard to break up. It's head to redo your life, time, friends , all what goes along with that relationship.  You have to join clubs what interests you.  You have to meet new people, make new friends.  You have to start your new life.   You know what best for you, 

Stepdrama2020's picture

That is how I would describe you kind lady.

You have thought this through, you tried a few more times, then realized he aint for you.

Now go grieve, and live a happy peaceful life.

Blessings xx

Steppedonnomore's picture

Just chiming in here to say that I admire the strength you have shown through this relationship. Though some were telling you to end it a long time ago, you demonstrated great integrity in making sure you gave the realtionship a fair shot.  As all of us do, you have grown through each past relationship and, when the hurt has healed, I've no doubt you will move forward brilliantly!  Wishing you peace and healing.