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DD4 finally is noticing that SD14 doesn't like her

ksmom14's picture

SD14 has been distant and dismissive to everyone in the house for years now. Anytime someone asks her something or says something to her, she not only looks at you like she just hates you, but her response is just dripping in a rude tone.

DH has brought this up to her over and over again, and she just always says, I"m just tired, I'm not upset or trying to be rude, it's just how I talk. Etc. Etc. and honestly I mostly beleive her because she talks/acts like that all the time, even when we do something nice for her and I can see she's happy about it.  Doesn't make it better, but DH and I have both learned to just live our lives and not let her attitude ruin our days. 

Anyways, she's always acted this way towards DD4 and DD2, but even more so. In the past she would just completely ignore them, even if they directly spoke to her, if they would try to come give her a hug she would back up and say "eww" then claim it was because they had dirty hands (sometimes true but not always). Anyways a while ago DH got onto her about that and now she at leasts responds to them when they ask her stuff, but it's still in a really rude tone, and mumbling most of the time.

Well today, totally unprovoked DD4 just starts rattling off at her "SD14 why don't you talk to us, why don't you play with us. That's what big sisters do, why don't you do that SD14? Why don't you tlak to us? SS18 plays with us, he talks to us, why don't you?" 

I don't know if DH and I should do anything....or even if there is anything for us to do. It just makes me so sad. I hope she doesn't feel less than because her own sister treats her like sh!t. Oh and for the record SS18 is AWESOME with the little girls, he's so sweet with them and plays with them all the time even though I can tell they drive him nuts sometimes, he's very patient. Also skids are with us 50/50 these days during the pandemic, but before that they were with us 70% of the time, so it's not that SD14 just isn't around enough. 

Comments

Evil3's picture

My SD30 was like that when she was a teenager towards DD20. DD is also my DH's. My SD was so bitchy and sounded so pissed off and annoyed all the time that that became her regular speaking voice. The word no had 12 syllables in it and SD would sound exhasperated every time she spoke and do do an audible inhale and exhale as if she were pissed right off. She was very rude and cold to DD who adored SD. One time DD toddled up to SD and reached out to hug her and SD jumped back and brushed herself off as if DD was disgusting and repulsive. DH told SD off but it was the only time he told her off.

SD is 2 years older than SS and when they were young kids, SD was the same way to SS. Instead of SD being addressed, SS would get shit from DH for "falling for it yet again." SS would be the one told to "take the high road" while SD stood there with her bitchy sour look on her face and acting smug because of the different standards in how the kids were treated. For some reason, DH feared SD the most so he'd prefer to give everyone else shit than to address SD.

I say that your SD needs to be addressed. It is not OK to be so bloody bitchy all the time. If she's angry about something major she needs therapy, but she cannot bring the entire mood down in the house and be a bloody cow to everyone else. Her treatment of her little siblings is disgusting and you and your DH should not subject your other kids to your SD's rotten treatment just because you don't know what to do. Your DH is the parent. He needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with his miserable brat and tell her how it's going to go from now on. She cannot be a pissy bitch. It's OK to be angry about issues in life but she cannot bring the entire hosue down. Your DH is allowing her to do so. If she can't be pleasant due to something she's so angry about, then she's to go for therapy. If there isn't anything major then she can stay in her room. She will also be consequenced whenever she's "mean" to her younger siblings.

My SD brought the entire house down for years because my DH was too afraid to parent the bitch. To this day, SS barely visits because he's so bitter about how miserable the house was and that SD was given full power to create such misery. It is your DH who needs to yank his bitchy brat's chain and not you. You can support him and you can disallow abusive treatment of your bios, but it is your DH who needs to step up and protect the rest of his family from a miserable girl.

CLove's picture

I know that teen-hood has dramatically altered Munchkin SD14's personality, but shes such a kind-hearted sweet kid, I dont see her doing that at all.
Definitely need to have a hard talk with SD. Shes in the middle ground area. Maybe she doesnt like kids. But she can still be a nice person.

strugglingSM's picture

Some teens are just rude, but I think when your DH comments on her attitude and she replies by saying she's not trying to be rude, that's just how she is, that he should explain to her that she is coming across as rude and she needs to be more aware of that. Maybe even point out some examples. She likely knows she's being rude, but I think it's a missed parenting opportunity to not push her harder on that. 

As far as your DDs go, you could explain to them that sometimes people are not nice and SD is one of those people. They are pretty young, so maybe they are not ready to learn that they shouldn't take that personally, but it might be helpful to point out that it's not anything they did to deserve her treatment. I also agree with the comments above about disengaging. In fact, your DH might want to have a talk with SD about how she needs to decide if she wants to be part of the family and if she continues to act like she doesn't want to be part of the family, then people will disengage from her and she can't complain about that. 

shellpell's picture

Keep your kids away from her and discourage a relationship. Who needs that crap in their lives, especially from older, resentful half-siblings? I will never encourage a relationship btw my bios and SS.

shamds's picture

Since our 1st born came from the hospital when he was 17.5. 

When hubby addressed the shunning and pretending me and our newborn daughter didn’t exist, ss said he was incapable of love and hubby shouldn’t force him.

he ignores us until inlaws come over and its the most awkward stroke of our kids and they look at him like “wtf u doin??”

i told hubby about a year and a half ago i was done and it was unacceptable that hubby allow his piece of shit psycho mentally disturbed hostile son live in our home sabotaging our marriage and relationship, hubby allowing the abuse to continue towards me and our kids. The first 3+ years of my daughter and 2+ years of my sons life at home was daily crying at the sight of ss. Thats a horrible life to live that you have to convert a spare bedroom downstairs into a playroom to avoid ss all day whilst hubby is at work until one day i just said enough and forced my kids to claim the living area and kitchen. They still cried for the next 2 months when they saw ss and ignored him.

Ss would multiple times go to kitchen for food and our kids thought maybe he will give some and he ignored them, thinks only of himself.

about 2-2.5 yrs ago i told hubby it was obvious he had no respect for us or concerns and that keeping his dysfunctional pathetic skids and psychotic exwife happy was more important than us... i told hubby i was done and since he was imcapable of change that we would be getting a divorce now... hubby said no that he wouldn’t divorce me and i said he was mistaken thinking he had a choice, he lost the right to having a choice in the matter treating us like this. I was done wanting any relationship with any skids and neither were ours.

to this day my kids do not recognise ss and s24.5 sd14.5 as siblings.. they are complete strangers and just scary to be around... excusing bio mum going to witch drs like its normal and ok and doing inappropriate things with my kids is never ok, acting like miniwives is never ok. Hubby can manage any relationship away from me. If i am ever to visit hubbys country again and stay in our marital home, ss has to go and not be home as i and my kids will never set foot in it!! I’ve made that clear to hubby.

its hard enough finishing my fulltime university studies in my country of birth, raising a 3 & 4.5 yr old on my own, doing speech therapy on my own and dealing with covid lockdowns and hubby not being able to see us or me see him for at least a year, no way will i give in to being treated like shit by skids anymore. I never want to see them again.

they have time and time again reiterated to my husband that we are strangers and how they guilt and resent hubby for marrying me and how dare he have 2 kids with me which they see him love more.

forget the fact they are 3 total arseholes and so unpleasant to be around, that bio mum remarried 11 yrs ago is perfectly fine... i made sure hubby protected us long ago because i foresaw how things were headed. I made it very clear to hubby 1.5 yrs ago that skids and exwife were actively trying to push us apart and get rid of us and hubby had a responsibility to provide for our 2 kids, his 2 eldest are adults capable of working, i would not be left in a position of hubby dying tomorrow and me foghting with a crazy exwife and 3 skids trying to actively disinherit us by any dodgy means necessary and kick us to the street. Hubby bought a home in my country solely in my name. Skids and exwife can’t touch it.

anytime my husband tries to guilt trip me or play victim why I can’t give skids another chance because they said sorry, i said empty promises mean nothing!!