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Why do moms baby their children?

my.kids.mom's picture

I have been searching for this answer online, and not finding anything that helps. Can anyone give me some reasons why some moms treat their children like babies? I'm talking about things like just not teaching them age appropriate things like tying shoes, how to use a knife, how to prepare their own cereal or sandwich, hovering over them at the playground in case they fall, and holding them on your lap like a toddler, even holding them on your hip- long enough to have to switch from one side to the other. The girls are 7, 8.5. The 7 yr old constantly talks/acts like a baby. She says she tries not to, but I think the mom puts her in this role and she has a hard time coming out of it when we want her to. I am the complete opposite of this so I just don't understand what would make a mom hold their children back developmentally. I have a theory, but wanted to see if others have more experience with this, maybe some answers.

Freedom2005's picture

Look up helicopter parenting. It sounds like it fits.

I have seen it referenced a few times in different places.

my.kids.mom's picture

THAT'S the word I was trying to think of! That's part of it, but not all...

I did just find some articles on that, and COINCIDENTALLY I found one that says it is better for parents to roughhouse with children than hover over them. BM actually had a HUGE issue with BF roughhousing and it's even mentioned in the divorce papers that he is not to roughhouse with them. I sent the article to him Wink

my.kids.mom's picture

LOL yep. They had a limited case manager who wrote up recommendations that the judge adopted as part of their parenting agreement. Because she was so bothered about it and was afraid he would hurt the kids, he was instructed to not roughhouse.

Anywho78's picture

Nasty does this with SS9 & SD8 when she can be bothered with them.

I would say that they don't want their babies to grow up, but quite frankly, Nasty doesn't do enough with them to care one way or the other.

Some BM's seem to be too lazy to teach their children but that's counterproductive for the "lazy" aspect.

Other BM's like to feel "needed" (my SIL babies my 6yo niece for this reason)

My only conclusion for the BM in my situation, Nasty does it because she's a dumb a$$.

Dannee's picture

It makes the mother feel needed...

There are plenty of times that the parent
does not even realize that they are doing it..

I am reading the book "how much is enough"

When a parent does for a child what a child
can do for themselves...the parent is being
over indulgent...

smileygirl's picture

When DH and I were newly togeather, I was shocked to learn that SS4 wasn't "potty trained" and of course nobody had even considering beginning the process for SS2. I took it upon DH and myself to potty train them both. It worked with SS2 but SS now 11 still wears pull-ups and yes, still uses them because BM wasn't ready for him to be potty trained...

DeeDeeTX's picture

I've seen people do it who had really messed up childhoods themselves...abuse, neglect, etc. they vow to be much better parents to their kids, but they have no idea how because they had no role models. So they get wacky and overprotective, thinking they are doing what is best.

Auteur's picture

Behemoth coddles the children (when she isn't dumping them off on others) GG told me that he LIKED doing things for them that they can do themselves b/c it makes him feel like a "good dad."

:sick:

smileygirl's picture

Perfectly put! I couldn't agree more. Many parent want/need to feel needed and these kids love the attention not to mention lack of expectation. There have been many study's done showing that parents tend to prefer the needest of their children often to the point of encouraging the neediness. I mean think about it, parents are doing a job where the final payoff is that this person you love tells you they don't need you anymore and leave. Great for us Steps but I shudder to think about it coming with DS someday.

The laziness drives me insane and I know that this is DH's big problem in our house. I could never put it to him that way but when SS11 moved in with us he wouldn't get his own water because he didn't know how and DH would cut up his pancakes for him...again because he didn't know how. I've shown him how to do most things for himself but I had to take-over because ever when DH was directed to teach him...he would get frustrated and I would find DH doing it because SS was taking to long or not doing it right.

Auteur's picture

When I showed the skids how to cut up their OWN food, GG looked SHOCKED, BEWILDERED and had a HuGe look of disappointment on his face!!! :sick:

bi's picture

i don't have the answer, but i have a friend who drives me crazy with it, and her daughter is 10. when bs was barely 2, i called him my baby. this friend, B, jumped me up one side and down the other about how he was NOT a baby, he is a TODDLER. within the same hour, her dh left to get their daughter from church, and B said "are you going to get the baby?" she was 8 at the time. i couldn't hold it in. i told her i could not believe she just gave me crap about calling a 2 year old a baby, but it's ok for her to call an 8 year old a baby. she said "but she is my baby!" i said "and bs is MY baby!" that's just how she is. the rules never apply to her, not even her own. she still treats her kid like a baby. she's 10 and acts 5. she always gives in because "she's so cute". well, bs is the cutest kid i've ever seen, but i'm not going to let him do whatever he wants to because of it. isn't that where entitled kids come from?

Auteur's picture

Oh GAWD I have such a double standard story to tell you. GG and the Behemoth CONSTANTLY coddle and baby their children. GG has a tendency to REVERSE his children's age. Anyone he likes, I've noticed, he tends to reverse their age (VD, Prince Hygiened), but anyone he DOESN'T like (like me, Awesomeson, Peg, to a lesser extent Brainiac) he tends to ADVANCE their age.

the BABY of my family is my son "Awesomeson" who is now 24.

One time GG was standing around chatting with the next door neighbour and Awesomeson drove up and introduced himself (i actually taught him MANNERS from a very young age unlike GG's wild peccories). So I joked with the (practically humourless) next door neighbour lady who is twenty something and has a young babied, coddled child and would make a great PASinator BM but I digress. I said "he's the baby of the family) She joked a bit back and said "He's an awful BIG baby!" And we both chuckled (Awesomeson is over 6' tall)

GG HAD A FIT THAT EVENING!!! He told me it was TOTALLY WRONG to call Awesomeson a BABY!! TALK ABOUT GRASPING AT STRAWS!!!! UMMM GET A LIFE GG!! Then I explained to him about FIGURES OF SPEECH like "hold your horses" etc. GAWD!!! Obviously he was WEAKLY/LAMELY using this figure of speech against me to "compensate" for the many, MANY times he's practically wiped his own spawn's ass for them and I called him on it. Is that the BEST you got, GG??!!!

FreeNHappy's picture

I have thought about this a lot too. I found it incredibly frustrating that BM infantilized her youngest because it was totally inappropriate and actually held him back quite a bit (incidentally, he was literally held back in school for two different years and is now two years older than all his classmates...go figure). It drove me nuts because my younger skid was extremely manipulative and played up his embarrassing baby act. He refused to speak correctly, acted completely helpless (even with things like putting on his own coat) and only learned to tie his shoes when the school called my exH and said that all the other kids had learned to and that the teachers had a policy that they didn't tie shoes for the kids after a certain point. BM absolutely encouraged his baby behavior and treated him like a toddler when he was 5! My own pet theory was that she did this because she had absolutely no self-esteem from any other area of her life and her only validation (as sad as it is) was that she managed to get pregnant and push out two kids. I think moms should absolutely take pride in being moms, don't get me wrong, but I think the pride should come from taking excellent care of your kids and raising kind, polite, thoughtful children, not just the fact that you had sex and got pregnant. Her whole goal in having kids was to trap my exH into marrying her, which didn't work, but she clung to her "family" idea and I think that she wasn't able to let go of the dreams she had when her kids were babies. She absolutely COULD NOT separate them out from her and she spent years telling the skids that exH had "abandoned" both her and the skids, while we had to repeatedly correct that lie to the skids by honestly telling them that, yes, exH HAD "abandoned" BM (and we explained break ups as well as we could and put it tactfully) but that exH would NEVER abandon his kids. While BM was telling them this lie, we were shocked by how she could not separate herself from the skids psychologically and seemed to view them all as one person (the only trinity I am comfortable with is The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost!). The skids got over it and exH worked so hard to have equal custody that they realized that they weren't being abandoned, but BM never got over that idea and continued to tell them that they had been abandoned (even when they spent exactly half the time with us, including nights!).

Any sign of independence from her or individual identity got completely squashed by BM and she didn't handle it at all well when even clingy and manipulative younger SS broke away and wanted to do his own thing more...So, I think it's inappropriate attachment, having the BMs self-esteem and identity way too tied up in the skids and no sense of self-worth from healthy sources that causes a lot of BMs to do this. I'm sure there are other reasons in other situations, but I think that was what was going on with my BM.

Auteur's picture

UGH! Glad you escaped that mess, F 'n' H!!! Prince Hygiene was almost SEVEN and he wouldn't/couldn't tie his shoes. The MOTY Behemoth simply bought him velcros.

Selene's picture

I completely agree with the "not wanting child(ren) to grow up" which I despise! This does not do the kids ANY favors. All it does is make them mentally and physically lazy which sets a dangerous pattern for their lives going forward. I have a SD9.5 and SS5 and it annoys me to no end how helpless they can be since BM does everything for them. To a lesser extent, my DH is guilty of babying behavior. He STILL brushes his daughter's hair and she's NINE AND A HALF! I've told him as nicely as I can that if he doesn't start making her do it for herself as she should, he'll still be brushing her hair when she's sixteen. A lot of the problem is these kids are so oblivious because they're allowed to be....their eyes are always fixated on the TV and they seem unable to do anything for themselves. I do understand the impatience factor though – doing things for them because it takes too long for them to accomplish a task. This is why I find myself upstairs in our bedroom when the kids are there because I just don't enjoy being around them.

Their BM is over-indulgent; she, and all of her family, cater to these kids and I find it nauseating. I have always enjoyed learning to do things on my own. The kids are missing out on learning to complete tasks and feeling the accomplishment that goes with it. They are annoyingly dependent.

I agree with FreeNHappy about BM being completely tied up with the kids. In my situation, I think being a Mommy is the absolute ONLY identity the woman has and the only way that she feels empowered or validated.

my.kids.mom's picture

I think it happens in our case because she wants the kids to remain dependent on her. It's her way of receiving "love" back. She does have an anxiety problem and her behavior has actually worsened (or caused) the anxiety disorder in the 8.5 yr old. She has them MOST of the time, so I know she isn't trying to overcompensate for not having them enough. BF is trying to get them more so that he can help balance out her over protectiveness and babying. I'm enjoying reading others' responses.