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Husband on #3784th attempt to “fix” daughter

Kloewent's picture

My SD45 has been a drug addict for 25 years. My husband had pretty much disengaged except for occasional phone calls. Then 2 years ago, the dipshit walked in front of a train. Lost arm hand and one leg. Since then he has been killing himself trying to make her responsible and self sufficient. He helped her get a place, found someone to live with her to help at night and do some daytime HSSI hours.
Lasted about a month and she stared doing drugs and being nasty to the lady living there and having her street 'friends" staying and showering and evidently giving her drugs. It blew up a few times and he was had to go down when the woman couldn't take it anymore so he missed thanksgiving, finally came home had to go back then got home a couple of hours before the whole family was here for Christmas Eve. He was able to convince the helper to stay, but she wasn't doing much (can't blame her, she was getting screamed at constantly) and finally left for good. 
He went back down (she lives about 150 miles away.) stayed for a week, trying to get daughter to doctors for her psych meds, find a new person to live there, someone for daytime etc, stop doing drugs, get rid of loser friends. He had zero luck. He got a friend to stay for the weekend and came home.
Saturday night she calls, she got scared and called EMTs and was in the hospital and needed a ride home. He was going to go, 2.50 hour trip! I finally said NO! Tell her to call her mother who lives 10 minutes away. (Mother hasn't seen her once since the train accident) I don't know what she did, but managed to get home.
Monday he goes back, now she is having panic attacks, needs more meds, more doctors. Still no one is answering ad to live there. He is down there for 11 days. Nothing resolved, but she is on better meds, he has a few people interested in the day hours. Pays this guy to stay the weekend again so he can be here for Easter. drives home, walks  in the door and the guy calls and said daughter was doing drugs. He doesn't know who gave it to her as he wasn't home, he just wants to make sure husband knows it wasn't him supplying her. He agrees to stay the rest of the weekend and we have a nice easter with the grands.
This morning he packs up and goes back down, for god knows how long. I told him I don't care what he does as long as he doesn't try to move her to my house, but watching this and keeping my mouth shut has been hard. He is killing himself, I can see the stress on his face. He is shutting down, not laughing, not sleeping, takes little joy in the grands, his head is somewhere else all the time. I don't know what to do to help him. It makes me heartsick to watch him trying so hard to fix this asshole waste of space daughter. That's it, just a vent. No easy solutions.


ESMOD's picture

this has got to be so hard.. a parent loves their child.. even when the child has or is doing things that are wrong.. and bad for themselves.

Has he tried notifying Social Services in her area to see if there is anything they could assist with?  Just the drug issue might be harder... but the fact that she is incapable for caring for herself independently.. they may have options.

Kloewent's picture

She has a team that was recently put in place from Social Services. They have helped a lot with getting in to see doc for meds etc. Getting set up on transportation system for appts etc.  Everyone  is working towards the goal of her living on her own in this apartment. I just don't think it is tenable. Besides her constant taking speed whenever things get calmed down, she has no ability to do grown up things, pay bills, get meds, go to doctor. Can't manage money, just has no common sense. Plus she won't work on getting her prosthetics to work. She has a hand and a leg and she won't practice with them, so they are useless. She needs to live in a supervised setting. There just isn't anything like that available. My husband is 72, he can't do this too much longer. Not sure what will happen when he stops controlling it. One of the greatest reasons I don't want her here is that I am afraid he will die and I will be the one throwing her out in the street. Her mother who lives right by her, refuses to do anything for her, lazy bitch.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Yes, it sounds like she should be in an adult board and care home. You should advocate for her NOT having her own apartment. Maybe call Social Services there and offer your two cents? Tell them about the drugs.

I had a SIL like this, a middle-aged addict who couldn't take care of herself. We all use to drop everything every time she pulled the big red handle, which accomplished exactly nothing. She received so much help, so many second chances in her lifetime, but was an addict until the end.

Maybe try to line up some couples counseling with an addiction specialist? Your H needs to hear the hard truth from a professional, and he needs to know that YOU have limits.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

She would be the perfect candidate for the old-time long term inpatient psych institutions. 

JRI's picture

We have the much lighter version of your situation, druggie SD who DH is still trying to rescue but without the amputations. I really feel for you having to watch this.  You're right to maintain the "no move in" boundary or you'd be watching this and living with it 24/7.  Many empathic thoughts for you, Kloewent.

I'm also flashing back to my dead sister who had a leg amputated several years before she died.  It just makes life so much more difficult.  She was living with Mom so that care fell on Mom.  Not easy to watch.

CLove's picture

And, nope no easy solutions, but there are solutions.

Its hard watching. I agree and am there with you. During his more lucid moments, Husband will be sad about SD24 Feral Forger and how she has wasted her life and continues to be the A$$hole in every situation, blaming everyone else for her problems.

He of course solely blames Toxic Troll BM and her "bad genetics" and influence.

And its sad to see SD16almost17 go down the same direction just using different pathways. Of course her character seems different but shes still selfish, lazy and entitled.

Kloewent's picture


The worst part of this is that DH is missing out on our life here. He has missed most of YGS t-ball games. (Me too, but it was intentional)  I doubt we will be able to go on vacation any time soon, our old Aussie is so sad missing him. He lays by the front door waiting. And I really miss him too. That is one good thing that has come from this!. After being together thru quarantine we had hit a sort of a bored patch in our marriage. Tolerant roommates I guess you could say. Absence has made the heart grow fonder. I want him back here with me! And it isn't just that I have had to put the garbage out for the first time in 44 years!!!


justmakingthebest's picture

I was hoping that she had agreed to go into a facility since you haven't posted in a while.  I am so sorry that you are still dealing with this.

There are no easy answers in this situation. My heart goes out to you! I hope that your husband can get her established this one last time and then step away and not go back. If he mother can walk away, so can he.

Kloewent's picture

Mother isn't completely out of the picture. She is very busy trying to find the "Med Bed" it was brought to us by aliens and will regrow limbs. That is why she has no time to care for her daughter.

Rags's picture

result is the informal definition of insanity... if not an accurate defination of stupidity.

Here you are watching DH do the same thing for the #3784th time.

IMHO it is time to tell DH that he is done or the marriage is done and SD needs to be left to live the consequences of her continued idiocy.

If dancing with a train in a drug induced episode does not hammer some clarity into her skull... nothing will.

This is not your problem and since DH is your DH, time for him to make a choice. Her, or his marriage to you.

IMHO of course.