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Back into the maelstorm

Kloewent's picture

It has been three years since my dipshit SD46 walked in front of a train, lost her hand, entire arm and one leg. My husband has scraped a life together for her by sheer will. She is currently destroying everything he put together for her as fast and as viciously as possible. She is doing street drugs, not getting her psych drug shots, being vicious and nasty to everyone who tries to help her. He has continued to go down and stay there for a day or two every 2 weeks.

A few months ago he came home a day early. He said he left because she was being verbally abusive, he warned her that he would leave if she didn't stop, and she kept going so he left!. My jaw hit the floor, he actually created a boundary, then maintained it. I was flabbergasted, but so happy. He kept it up, she would call and yell at him, he hung up, he would go see her, she would be mean, he left. It was like he had an epiphany and finally saw her for what she was.

He went to visit her about 6 weeks ago, came home early, really upset. She was screaming at him because he wouldn't take her to buy drugs and said she was going to call the cops and say he raped her. She was also going to report him to ISS for lying about his hours. (He has been getting paid for legitimate hours and giving the money to her 'boyfriend" so he would stay overnights.) he was pretty shaken. He said the boyfriend told him she was saying this to other people too. DH was also just diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism, which he believes has been caused by the stress she creates. Whether or not that is true, stress definitely exacerbates it. So he decides to stop visiting her for a while, still talks to her, she never apologizes, says she can't be held responsible because she is in pain.

Yesterday he tells me he is going down there on Monday. Nothing I say will stop him. He is willing to risk his freedom, his health, his family and his marriage to do I don't know what to try to keep the situation from completely blowing up. I think letting it blow up is the way to go. Let social services step in and take care of it. It seems that if a family member is involved they back out and let them deal with it. They are not going to let a female triple amputee live on the street. They will find a monitored place when they are forced to. But of course, I am the ESM (Evil Step Mother) who SPE (sad puppy eyes) who doesn't love his misbegotten spawn, so my opinion is worthless. I finally said, maybe he should just go live with her and visit me twice a month. I am just so damn tired of having my life controlled by this twat and having a husband that allows it. 45 years next month.



JRI's picture

I agree, let SS handle it.  It's beyond the family's control.  I'm sorry you're going thru this.

grannyd's picture

How frustrating for you, Kloewent! As far as I'm concerned, it's past time for you to wash your hands of the whole mess and find peace in a single life. However, since it's clear that you love your husband and want the best for him, marriage counselling might be the best way to open his eyes to the grim reality of his daughter's future. She will never change so your DH must change himself and his relationship with his awful spawn in order to survive. Would he be willing to submit to counselling? How does he expect this situation to ever be resolved?

Kloewent's picture

He promised he would go to a therapist with the usual results. I do love him very much, I have been with him since I was 19, but I am not sure I can watch him sacrifice himself to his loathsome daughter. His illness is serious, he is controlling it so far, but stress makes it much worse. I think he has White Knight Syndrome. I guess me, my sons, and the grands aren't fucked up enough to qualify for rescue.

notarelative's picture

Since there are drugs involved, would DH go to a family support group?

Kloewent's picture

He did go to Ala-non for a while a long time ago. He knows it is pointless, he knows it is really bad for his health, he just can't stop trying to fix it. I have tried to be supportive of him, I even pretended to believe it might work out at the beginning, but I am done with it. No more listening to him whine and moan about it, no more trying to find resources he won't even check out. If I never hear her name again I will be happy. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Jesus. They need to put her in a nursing home. What a mess. ETA this is like something from a horror movie. 

Kloewent's picture

He was just determined to help her live independently, but the experiment was a dismal failure. I really think if he stays gone SS will do something. She is being evicted in June for yelling at the manager and having all her loser friends hanging around all the time. I have made it very clear that bringing her here is absolutely not happening. That is all I can really control.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I remember your story. What a shame your DH won't just let her be. I don't see whether you have any alternative other than to disengage and pick up the pieces when this all blows up in DH's face. Make sure you protect yourself financially.

Rags's picture

Time for daddy to get his junky triple amputee daughther made a ward of the State and only visit her at the care facility rather than playing rescue ranger/knight in shining armor for his willfully unsalvageable DD.

One of my childhood BFFs was Dx'd with Schizoprhenia in his mid 20s. His parents (very old and dear friends of my parents) did the rescue, care, fix it model for a very long time until they realized that it would consume all of their retirement resources, jeopardize their health, and strain there family relationships with their other child and their GKs.

So.... Ward of the State.  When he decides to take himself off of his meds, starts to engage with the voices in his head, etc, etc, etc... they make a call, the State picks him up, institutionalizes him forcing him back on his Meds until he stabilizes.  He lives in a garage apartment attached to their home.  He cares for their pool and property.  He is not an addict, he is not abusive or  disrespectful.  If he was, knowing his parents, he would never be in their home and their visits would be brief and designed to minimize the negative impact he would make on their lives.

I hope that your DH will stop deluding himself regarding his lost cause DD-46 and start protecting himself, you, yoru lives together and your marriage instead of sacfrificing all of those things on the forlorn hope that his noxious toxic daughter is not noxious and toxic.

Good luck.

Take care of you,

Give rose


Kloewent's picture

Thanks guys, it makes you feel so good to get vindication that you are not the Evil Stepmother. Sometimes I feel like I am such a bitch! She has no hands for gods sake. But in these three years she has done nothing to help herself. She has a prosthetic hand and a leg, but she won't practice with them, so they are useless, she won't cooperate with the attorney she found that is suing the railroad, she won't go to the therapist, won't go to the doctor to manage her pain. Maybe she really believes her mother is going to find the "MedBed'" that the aliens brought that regrows limbs, I don't know, I  guess I just had a glimmer of hope that DH was going to change and got smacked back down again to realize he will never change. Naive I know. It is unbelievable the difference between the way he raised our sons and the way he has always been with her. Our boys are both successful, married and have lovely families. It is a shame really that her parents didn't care enough to be parents. Thanks again for all your support.

Harry's picture

Would do.  There wide spread dysfunction.  SD is a drug addict , totally dysfunctional, drugs run her life ..  drugs will always win.  DH understand that SD  is going to died,  it's just how long will it take.  He trying to keep SD alive. His dysfunction is he think he can do something.   That SD will not screw up his life by calling police ISS.  Hoping she smart enough to know screw up DH cuts off her money.  
Nothing is going to change.  SD not going to get normal, he not going to stop and it's goes around and around. You must keep SD out of your home. She can not sleep over for one night. 

Kloewent's picture

One of my worst nightmares is her being here and him dying, then I get stuck with her! I made it crystal clear that if he tried to bring her here I would divorce him. Not one night.

Rags's picture

I have read this entire thread to my DW.  She pointed something out that may be beneficial.  With a 46yo SD, her father/your DH, is likely elderly.   Her threats, etc... may very well be criminal elder abuse.  File those charges and initiate taking it all out of the hands of your elderly ailing DH.  As the mate of an elderly person, you may have notable ability to interven firmly in his defense and to protect him

Call your attorney and get some guidance on that.

Daddy might not like being legally prevented from seeing her via a protective order and legal action against her.  But, with the obvious "emotional and stress driven degradation in his mental faculties", you may have a strong platform for protecting him though he has no interest in protecting himself.  Or "does not have the intellectual ability to protect himself".



I'm so glad your boys and the GKs are not hip deep in their father's prior failed family progeny drama. At least I hope that is the case.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

Give rose

Kloewent's picture

Our sons are both wonderful men with careers, wives and 6 grand kids between them, and live very close to us. He parented them much better, with a well placed boot up his ass if he tried to Disney dad them. He just turned 73, so I am sure he qualifies as elder! I think he doesn't believe that he would ever be arrested, that she would never do it. My sis sent me this list of 10 things to do if you are falsely accused. #3 was don't think that just because you didn't do anything, you won't be arrested!! I am a lawyers daughter, you don't say hello to the police without an attorney. Better to look guilty, than be in jail!

Kloewent's picture

It wasn't prayers, it was telling him in graphic detail that his daughter is literally killing him and that she will never be worth it. That she doesn't care about him and all she wants is for him to clean up her mess for a while, pay for stuff and then leave her alone so she can do drugs. I told him it was moronic, that everyone in his life thinks he has done as much as he can and it is time to let it go. I was extremely forceful!! Told him I wasn't going to listen or commiserate or help him anymore and I never want to hear her name again. I think he was fairly shell shocked, I have never yelled at him like that or even said the things I said about her. I have always just let him do what he wanted about it without really pushing back that much.  I also said I wished she had died. They airlifted her to Stanford medical after the accident,  it is the only reason she is alive. Probably a million dollars worth of care for this wasted life. I hope he gets into therapy, because I know the guilt is going to gut him. Thanks again for all the support, it means so much to me.

Rags's picture

I am glad that your DH is engaged enough to take your position on all of this to heart and convert it to action. Or more accurately, inaction regarding more wasted rescue effort on SD-46.

He and your boys are blessed to have you.

Give rose

CLove's picture

I hate that your DH is getting so sick. This is the time to relax after working all your lives.

Thank goodness hes finally listening.

My husband likes to swoop in and be white knight and savior also.

Kloewent's picture

So annoying! I keep telling him his cousin, or brother, or SIL, can handle it themselves. Show them how to fix it, do things, stop doing it for them. My sis says I don't let him do enough for me, I am too independent!!!