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Feeling so alone

Silcea's picture

Background: I have been in this relationship for 15 years. When I came on scene, SS's were 6 and 10.  Their bio mom is an alcoholic and the boys had witnessed a tremendous amount of abuse while in her care and DH got full custody of them because she didn't want to miss any more time from work.  

Because I was unable to have children of my own, when I met my BF it felt like it was meant to be.  I was finally going to be able to have the family I always dreamed of.  

SS1- The oldest is now 25 and has always kept to himself.  He stopped talking to his bio mom years ago (unless there was money involved),  As he was growing up, I admit I probably overcompensated with whatever he wanted.  We had him in hockey and baseball. He always had the best of everything.  If he broke a stick or a bat, he would always come to me asking for a new one. I almost always ended up being the one doing his school assignments. It was always a struggle to get him motivated at home.  To get him to clean his room was a losing battle, to ask him to empty the dishwasher was like pulling teeth, and take out the garbage?  Forget it.  As he got older he went through jobs like toilet paper.  Would call in sick because he didnt have any vacation time and wanted to go away with friends, would lie about why he wasnt at work

SS2- Now 21.  Has always had difficulties. He suffers with ADHD, ODD and doctors suspected bi polar.  He had been seeing a psychologist as a child to get help for his impulsive ways. (slicing trampolines because his brother would not let him hang out with them, spray painting his name on the outside of the house, etc) from the age of 6-8. His Dad has always coddled him, I think mostly because SS2 is his Dad. There has always been friction between his Dad and myself when it comes to SS2.  With the issues SS2 has,  I think the schools had us on speed dial as SS2 just could not do what he needed to. I have constantly told his Dad, this kid needs structure and a Dad, not a buddy. His Dad decided on his own to take him off his meds, and that is when I said I was stepping back and he could handle everything to do with him.  SS2 maintained his relationship with his BM as long as the gifts kept coming. When he turned 19, he started with drugs, girls and legal troubles. BF and I have been woken up countless times with calls from the police regarding SS2.  The first time he was arrested, we bailed him out. At the court the first one he hugged was me when they uncuffed him. He ended up messing up again and our bail was revoked by the court.  His BM bailed him out that time but quickly revoked her bail as he was cramping her style.  So his brother stepped in.  SS2 lasted at his brothers less than a month before they kicked him out as SS1's gf didnt like him there. He was placed into custody in July and we let him sit there for 2 months, with hopes that it would straighten him out.  We ended up bailing him out again, as after visiting him there, I could not handle the fear in his eyes.

Fast forward to today. SS1 lives hours away and has rarely maintained contact with any of us.  We would hear from him once in a blue moon.  This week has been a disaster,  SS2 was great when he first came back, then I noticed he was staying up all night and sleeping all day. (all of this on our couch in our livingroom).  BF said it was because he couldn't turn his brain off.  Because SS2 is on house arrest he cannot go anywhere unless he is with us,  And because of COVID, we told SS2 that there is to be nobody visiting.  We went out on Monday and took him with us. He was passing out in the back seat. We picked up food and he was holding it and couldnt keep his eyes open. I told BF this was not normal, he has to be on drugs. (My best friend was a lifeling addict, I know the signs) BF would not accept what I was saying, again insisting it was because of lack of sleep.  When he got out of the car he was tripping over himself and drooling everywhere.....

Both boys have hated how I see through everything and call them out on it.  That day was no exception.  SS2 lost it, wishing me dead, calling me all sorts of nasty things, claiming I am the cause of all of his problems. Long story short, SS2 threatened to commit suicide, locked himself in the bathroom and started texting his brother. BF told me to call for help.  I told him no, he had to do it.  And he did. Now SS2 is in an institution and blames me for him being there.  Yesterday I was met with disgusting texts from SS1.

I have done nothing but try to send these kids down the right path.  I gave them everything they ever wanted.  I have never had backup from their Dad. In fact he refuses to confront SS1 on his behaviour. Citing that he is an adult and he cant do anything about what he does, that I should just ignore him.  I cried all night last night.  Did I just waste 15 years of my life on a losing battle?  The verbal abuse from these kids is just unreal, and the fact that their Dad doesn't stand up to them and defend me is crushing.

I'm sorry for the length of this.  I know it is all over the place. I just don't have anyone to vent to. 

In my heart of hearts, I know what I need to do.  I just need to muster the courage to walk away from it all.

 

tog redux's picture

I'm sorry. I think this is a sad price to pay for getting involved in a dysfunctional system and not holding your husband accountable sooner to be a better parent who gave both of his kids rules and structure.  And honestly, your parenting as described wasn't fantastic either - doing SS1's homework, buying him everything, and not pushing him to be responsible.

And I'm sure BM played a part in it too.

Sadly, you all have created irresponsible adults. The best you can do, if you don't want to walk away, is stop any enabling and block them both from contacting you until they can be civil. But it may be too late to get your DH on board with being a firmer parent and supporting you instead of throwing you under the bus.

Harry's picture

There nothing you did wrong.  These kids are damaged. Unless they get help there no fixing anything.

Yes he's on drugs . Your SO not seeing it it a major part of the problem 

You must designate from all of this. SS must move out  He not your problem, if DH doesn't like it he can move with him. 
I am sorry that life didn't work out for you. Most Step relationship don't .  Disengage for your own mental health. You can not go down these rabbit holes.  It's never going go get better. 

Rags's picture

So, how has coddling these toxic idiots worked out for you so far?

smh

You have repeatedly done the same crap by bailing them out and coddling them and nothing changes.

Time to let them rot in jail rather than bailing them out.  That look of terror in SS-2's eyes when you visited him in jail is exactly what he needs.  Quit mitigating his idiocy and let him realize the full consequences of his serial moronic bullshit and repeated crappy decisions.

Make no mistake. These are  his conscious and concerted choices and you, daddy and mommy are facilitating his crap.

Let him rot. He will either learn, or not. Either way he will cease to be a problem in your life.

Good riddance either way.

That this continued to be a problem beyond the first incident is mind boggling to me.

Change the locks, lock down all marital resources and cut them off, let them rot in the gutter until they learn.  Yes, they need "help". Let the system "help" them.

Just as importantly, it is time to give SO clarity that if he fails to backhand his lippy POS failed family pelvic sputum in the mouth any time they disrespect his SO, he is gone as well.

 

MissTexas's picture

at this as your new reality, feeling as though you've wasted 15 years of your life.

As for your DH not defending you, or coming to your aid or being by your side and aligned in your thinking, this is a DH phenomonon many of us have suffered through.

Most of these dads are terribly afraid of their kids, and confronting their nasty asses and putting them in their places for fear they will lose their love and the relationship. In reality, there was no relationship or love from their kids.It's a one way street. As long as daddy does their bidding and never discipllines them or holds them accountable things go according to their plan. It's only when the wife looks at the entirety of the dysfunction she's mired in and realizes what a mess it TRULY IS, and decides to change her reality, whether that be professional counseling/therapy, or setting herself free from the madness and walking away.

You know what you need to do.

SMto3's picture

Not much I can say but feel terrible for you. You tried your best and now this. 
The underlining thing is that there is not much you (or any of us) can do when step kids decide to be crap when they grow up. I don't think this is completely on you, they did have a toxic mother for the beginning of their formative years so the artwork was already splattered when you got to it. 
 

Let them go. Focus on creating a happy life for you. You got also what you needed in 15 years, but now, time to refocus and set your boundaries.