It is hard, but when you look at the bigger picture, sometimes it is best to hold your tongue. And in my case, I know that it would do NO good. Even if I called, emailed with the truest of intentions, she would find SOME way to misconstrue what I was saying. I either try to kill her with kindness or ignore her all together works best for us. She told before that I am meddling and that her children don't concern me. She is currently in jail, so I really don't have to interact with her. She refuses to talk to either of us at this point.
But, of course, I have felt the way that you feel and I often fantasize about it! If only she would listen!!!

Or if you can't find one, a barbie doll in bm's likeness may work just as well. Take your frustrations out on it. Stick the hell out of it with pins and needles. Set it on fire. Torture it. Cut it's hair into a mohawk. Run over it with your car. Rip it's limbs out. Scream at it and tell it what a conniving b*tch it is and how her boobs look fake. Not that I've ever done any of this... but I would imagine it would help. *whistles to myself*

and how do we do it? well, i didn't always. at the beginning i didn't interact with her and bb actually wasn't as crazy (probably because i wasn't a 'real' threat at that point or she thought dh would come back, who knows). then her craziness came out and she wouldn't let us see sd...so i got involved. i wish i could say it made me feel better, but it so didn't. she never listened to what i actually said, just jumped to conclusions and tried to tell me lies about dh, she even called my mom to warn her about dh. can you believe that? then she tried to hit me and i lost it, punching her in the face a few times, which is not something i am proud of. since the court dates and the phone conversations and the epo's, i have had NOTHING to do with her. we went to sd's birthday party last year and i didn't look at her face once. avoid her at all times, seriously. all she wants is a response and when you don't provide it, she can't stand it. go on with your life and treat her like she is nothing, because to you, she really is nothing.

It's tough as hell. The only direct contact I have had with BB in 2+ years (other than pick ups when she doesn't even acknowledge me) was waaay back when DH asked me to forward her the e-receipt of a show we were taking SS to. I was very cordial, said just a few words to explain the email and sent it. She wrote back a scathing, nasty, inappropriate email discussing everything from how much she pitied me being married to stbxm to detailing his sexual activities before me. Oh, and she accused him of all kinds of shit and TOTALLY tried to cause trouble for us as a couple. So that right there told me that this woman was nuts and from then on I enver dealt with her (altho many messages were sent from me through DH as "his feelings" and she totally knew where it really came from.)

Honestly, as much as she was wrong and deserved a verbal beatdown, I knew in my heart that delivering one would only make things worse for the situation and for DH. One time, she called and started accusing DH of being in love with her and wanting to leave me for her and he put it on speakerphone because he couldn't believe what she was saying. I said "are you fucking kidding me?" and for almost a YEAR after that she used that as a reason to say that I was a bad influence on SS. SOOOOOOOOO warped.

Bottom line? If you've got a crazy one, no amount of talking to her or telling her what you think will do anything but make it worse. As they say, you can't reason with the unreasonable. Type an email or write a letter to her getting it all out...then get rid of it. That helps a lot.

I think after awhile, you just don't care.

In my case, it's been 10 years of BB yelling, cussing, threatening, etc. After awhile, you just get numb. I used to not understand how DH could be so indifferent to it when she was acting like a madwoman and calling us every name in the book. I can understand better now. I just hang up on here, take the phone off the hook, and go about my business. After awhile, I go back to the phone and save the messages she's left.

Trust me I know how hard it is. The one thing I have told myself over the years is I will not stoop to her level. Yes, it is harder than anything. I did get a chance after almost 7 years of her, to tell her what I thought of her. It was over my SS's H.S. Graudation and she hadn't seen any of the kids in over 4 years and she then calls and wanted ME out of the picture because SHE was the REAL MOM. She didn't want me involved in any of the planning. (like she was willing to pay for anything) My SS had no use for her and stood up for me. When the phone calls got out of control I answered the phone and let her have it. It was 7 years of built of anger, hate, frustration, you name it, I felt it. And it did feel good to finally tell her what I thought of her. But I am glad it didn't happen sooner. It gave the kids enough time to realize for themselves what kind of person she was without us bad mouthing her to them. I want you to know that some of us have been through a lot of the same things you are going through. I could tell you some crazy stories. Keep your head held high and know you ARE the bigger person and if she wants to act like the loser that she probably is then she can be the loser and you will come out on top smiling. HANG TOUGH!!!!

Just wanted to add that I also think it comes down to a personality issue. My bullshit meter is extremely sensitive, and stbx's is unbelievably difficult to max out. Honestly, it was tough on our marriage and might be a reason why it didn't work. I'd FREAK when she did something outrageous, and he'd just shrug it off.

That's what I do and it does help a little.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

It comes from a long, hard road. After 3 years of NOT turning the other cheek, NOT taking her words with a grain of salt, and ALWAYS standing up for myself to her, I've finally made it to the point of understanding. I understand now that this woman will never like or respect me. She will never change her opinion no matter what I say. She is not rational, much less sane, and can not communicate on the same level as everyone else - ESPECIALLY with me.

Trust me, after years of getting burned every single time you think you have made progress, you finally kinda get past the point of caring. Sure, the things she does and says still piss me off, and I still really wish I could just drag her ass out in the yard and beat her...but I know - not think, KNOW - that it won't do a damn bit of good.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*