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SS is gone

justmakingthebest's picture

SS16 left yesterday. It was overall a good trip like usual. We had a great Christmas. We were able to Portal with my parents (since my mom can't be around people) and with MIL, so that was nice. My brother and his wife and Sister and NEW FIANCE!!! came over and hung out for Christmas eve and day. The other days we did a few things, lazer tag, axe throwing, Christmas lights at the park. It was good.

Now for the juicy stuff... after axe throwing (it was just DH, SS and me) some how phone calls got brought up in the car on the way home. I made a comment that it was "really fu**ed up" that SS ignores so many of DH's calls and texts. We witnessed him calling and texting and snap chatting nonstop while he was with us (DH wimped out on taking his phone). We know he CAN do it, he us just being an ass and not doing it. He said it was because we tried to get him mom put in jail over the "letter thing" (you know the whole forging the health department document). I reminded him that all we did was question the 2 differing documents and the police and city attorney took over from there. SS also said that it was all fine and got "worked out". (We emailed the sheriff and found out that was not true THANKFULLY!) I reminded him that the whole "letter thing" was just in the past week. So why is he acting like an A$$ the rest of the time?

Then I went in to ask him if it was me he hated. Things got really bad after DH and I got married. Do you hate me? Do you want time with just your dad more? Is there something I have done or haven't done? etc- He refused to talk. 

When he left he hugged me and did say "I love you and will miss you"- all on his own. I told him that I love him and will miss him too. 

Oh!!! Also, this summer he wants to go around and check out different colleges on the east coast with DH and I... so that was kind of crazy. 

So  basically, who knows what is going on in his head. He thinks that it is over with the criminal aspect from his mom, but that isn't true. So I really wonder what will happen next. 


Squakamole’'s picture

When he stayed with his dad he ignored my texts and calls. When he's with me he does the same with his dad. I think part of it isn't who is good or bad or right or wrong they just don't want to be put in the middle or have the "what did your mom call for" that's what happens only on his dads end because I will not ask those questions.

Even the whole college thing and exploring colleges nearby might be something that he thinks YOU guys want to hear. My son overcommits when he is with his dad, and also me too, he's in the moment and having a good time and wants to be "the man" by doing and saying things he later regrets and will not follow up with. It frustrates me when he does it because then his dad thinks "momma got ahold of him and turned him again" when really it's nothing of the sort but I refuse to force a 16-18 year old do something he committed to that had nothing to do with me. It's different if it's a commitment on my watch and I've agreed to be chauffeur or sponsor it. An example was when he was 15, after spending the summer at his dads then coming back to my home to start school he had committed to continuing to do yard work, such as mowing etc every Friday. Of course there is no conversation with me and my EXH about this plan per the usual. 

This of course entailed ME getting him there and back a 45 minute drive one way every other Friday that isn't his visitation weekends, because here was no way his dad was going to do that. When I said GREAT you and your dad figure out how that'll work out and let me know, the reality ended up being "dad moooooom won't bring me every other Friday so I can't do it" 

The most I do is stress the importance of honoring your word and not committing to something that actually requires someone else's commitment for you to fulfill or you know that later you're going to flake on. 

justmakingthebest's picture

It is a lot harder for DH to go without communication. We only get my SS for 6 weeks total for the year. 1 month in the summer, spring break and 1/2 of winter break. There are times he goes months refusing to respond to his father even though there is a court ordered weekly video chat. It would be much different if they saw eachother every other weekend-ish.

We haven't even approached college with SS, it was his idea. He apparently has looked at Harvard for being a medical examiner but wanted to also look at some other schools (I seriously doubt Harvard would take him). His mom wants him to stay local and close to her but it does seem like maybe he is starting to see that there is more than his little, tiny, no stoplight midwest town. So he might think his dad will be the only one willing to do this for him.

SteppedOut's picture

His dad is also the only person that can HELP $$$$ him with college. BM will not be able to help at all.

tog redux's picture

"You were going to get my mom arrested".  *eye roll*

Did you guys point out that she lied and forged a document in order to try to keep him from seeing you over Christmas? These alienated kids just can't think for themselves, it made me crazy with SS.  BM could say anything and he'd believe her. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Very true, tog.

Ummmm, and police don't typically arrest people who haven't committed crimes. I know it happens, but there usually has to be an alleged crime committed

Besides, the crime his mother has allegedly committed wasn't against the OP and her husband, it was against the health department. The OP merely inquired about the validity of two letter she received from BM. The health department DISCOVERED the crime.


It sounds like he pulled that gem out of his butt.


tog redux's picture

Exactly. "You got her arrested" um NO, she got HERSELF in trouble by commiting a crime solely to keep the kid from the terrible fate of spending Christmas with his loving father and stepmother.  The horror! 

advice.only2's picture

Sadly there is no reasoning with these brain washed kids. Case in point, Meth Mouth got busted for a DUI, the day she went to court for it she called Spawn and told her "I'm calling to say good-bye because your dad is having me put in jail again!"
Spawn called up DH crying and screaming about getting her mom put in jail again. DH was stunned and had no clue what was going on. He knew Meth Mouth had a DUI, but that was all. DH went home and tried to reason with Spawn but she wouldn't hear it. In her mind Meth Mouth was innocent and DH must have done or said something to the police to have her sent to jail again.
I mean I would not believe it had I not witnessed it first hand, it was truly crazy. She ranted for over an hour at him, calling Meth Mouth telling Meth Mouth all about how DH was lying straight to her face about not having her put in jail...mind you Spawn was 16 1/2 at this she wasn't some young kid.
DH even tried to show her the court website and Spawns response was "you put that there, or it's all a lie, because the internet lies" She was that far down the crazy Meth rabbit hole she had to believe that everything was somebody elses fault and not Meth Mouths.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This actually renews my hope in your SS.

I have several theories as to why PAS failed with my SSs. One of those was proximity. ET telling the boys that DH abandoned them kinda falls apart when DH takes his visitation and is present at events, etc. ET telling the boys that DH isn't paying his fair share of their care kinda falls apart when ET is asking DH for money or things and he pays for them. 

It took OSS until this past summer to seemingly make the internal decision that he loves his mother but is upset that she tried to pull stunts against DH. He has been staying with us his entire break and barely talking to BM. We had to force him to go stay with her on Christmas Eve because he is just doesn't want to.

My guess is that if your DH could have lived closer and shown SS that BM's stories are BS that this would have been a different outcome. The fact that he is wanting to make plans with you all is a good sign. That doesn't mean he won't continue to be a little B, or at least in part believe BM. But, he has enough doubt in his mind that he may just be biding his time until he can figure out his own truth in all this.

There's light at the end of this tunnel. You'll all make it through.

tog redux's picture

I dunno, that didn't work for us. BM lived very close by and SS still believed all of her horse hockey. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't think it works in every situation, for sure. The kid also has to be independent enough to question things around them. OSS is like that (and YSS is starting to get there, thank God), and ET's stories just didn't match reality.

Honestly, I'm shocked how PASed your SS is/was given how much custody your DH had. Your BM is a special kind of twisted. The fact that she is educated only likely made it worse.

tog redux's picture

When my SS was 11, they did psychological testing as part of the custody stuff, and the psychologist told DH that SS has "no sense of self and was at high risk of mental health issues in the future".  I really don't think he can think for himself in the context of his relationship with BM. He just couldn't keep clarity. 

And yes, a smart BM is worse than a dumb one, for sure. BM here would never have forged a document or done any of the stuff this BM has done. 

halo1998's picture

he has absolutely no sense of self....none.  GWR could not think for himself and would become whatever he was around.  Interesting...since GWR has the same level of alienation as your SS.

Beaver is quite dumb and couldn't forge a document of any type.  

tog redux's picture

Yeah, GWR is what my SS was until 18.5, when I think BM encouraged him to speak to DH again in fear that she wouldn't get a child support increase if he continued to refuse to speak to him. He still doesn't really have much sense of self, as far as I can tell, and he does have mental health issues. 

halo1998's picture

and then Dh's emancipation from indentured servitude known as CS for GWR.  I don't think GWR will ever get better and we know he has mental health issues already.....of which he keeps trying meds to correct them.  I still see his EOB's since he uses my insurance (whew that will be rude awakening come next month...I dropped his @ss from my insurance.)

justmakingthebest's picture

I do think that if we lived near him it would have made some difference. One of DH's biggest life regrets was not immediately fling for abandonment when he found out that she moved away.

tog redux's picture

I think alienating BMs can be successful living next door. Maybe it's logistically easier if you live far away, but since it's mostly a psychological control over the kid, it can happen with any distance between you. 


Irene H.'s picture

So he's not mad at his mom for being a criminal? But he is mad at anyone involving in holding her accountable? I wonder what he thinks the right/wrong of her actions are, and what he thinks the consequences should be.

But at least it sounds like the overall holiday was nice, and ended on a good note.

notsofast's picture

BM stole my DH's identity.  SS-now21 did this exact same thing, claiming that DH tried to put mommykins in jail when he found out.  She has never been held responsible for anything in her life and she has trained her son to "protect" her more than anyone else.  She thinks it's love, but it's actually enmeshment. SS21 lives with her in a one bedroom apartment, works and pays her bills.  He doesn't drive in an area where driving is expected/required.  Also doesn't take public transportation and instead relies on his mom to drive him everywhere.  At 21.  Has never been on a date.  He doesn't have room in his life for a girlfriend, with his mom taking up all of his life.

SteppedOut's picture


halo1998's picture

put BM in jail.  I guarantee BM's comments were.

Look SS your FATHER is trying to put me in jail.  I did nothing wrong...and he is just so mean to me.  How can you go visit such horrible no good people that want to put your MOOOOTTTTHERRR in jail.  How could you abandon me?  I HAVVVVEEE to put you on the plane...I don't want to you but your FATHER is forcing me to.

They never ever take responsibility.

To this day..the Village Idiot will tell anyone he can I PUT him jail....not that he went to jail for violating a restraining order and threatening my life and my DH's life.  Nah....wasn't his was mine for not putting up with his crap.  

notsofast's picture

I've had the exact same convo with SS, with a very similar response from SS.  He cried and said no, it's not you once and I let it go.  The last time he left our house when his mommy decided she needed someone to help split the bills he stared at the ground, then told ME I love you, gave his dad a hug and an I love you and left in tears.  The reality is that his mother is threatened/bothered by me and he has to defend his mother... even if that means going against what he really wants.  In reality, she thinks she's raised this great son but emotionally he can't and won't leave her side and won't ever grow up.  And when she dies (she lost her mother a little older than she is now and both siblings are all gone from heart disease), he will be alone and confused about how to live without her setting the emotional tone of things for him.


It's really sad and not his fault.  But it follows a similar pattern as to what your BM/SS are doing.

tog redux's picture

Yes, my SSstb21 is a mini-husband too. I do consider it partly his fault now - he's a grown man and making his own decision to stay attached to Mommy in this way. It meets his dependency needs as much as it meets hers. 

notsofast's picture

I agree with that. It wasn't his fault the dynamic was setup that way but it is his choice to continue it and not change it. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I used to feel sorry for him, but now he's actively choosing to continue to be enmeshed and controlled by her. 

justmakingthebest's picture

He wore a boot the whole time he was here- like a full walking boot.

However, he left his door cracked and was walking around his room just fine without it... so we know that was a sham.

ICanMakeIt's picture

Oh wow! Did you guys call him out on continuing the sham about the rolled ankle? That sucks he seems to be complicit even when not under BM's watchful eye.

thinkthrice's picture

That he has to continue the fake narrative hundreds of miles away from the mothership.  I bet he is grilled to no end when he comes back to the BM's.  These kids grow up to be shape shifters.

ESMOD's picture

It's pretty clear that BM is calling the shots there.  And.. in some ways.. it's hard to blame the kid 100%.. I mean she IS the person he lives with.. she is the parent that he has to rely on 99% of the time... she is the one who could make his life difficult.  Your DH has no defense to that really.. he doesn't have any where near custody to make a difference.. and we all know that your DH getting full custody would be almost zero chance.  Plus.. the boy probably doesn't want that really.. his "life" is where he lives now.. his friends.. school etc.. little chance he wants to uproot as a mid-teen.  So.. he plays the cards the way he has to.. protective of his "only parent'... and I don't mean that in a mean way to your DH.. but he has not been a full parental figure to this boy for a long time.. he couldn't in part to BM's issues.. but it is what it is now.. and no matter how they got to this place.. BM is this child's full time parent.. and in some ways an "only parent"... Maybe once his son is on his own... there will be more opportuntity to build a relationship with him.. but for now.. he has to serve his master.