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I know I'm the "adult" but I can't help but feel resentful over DH christmas purchases

iamlosingit's picture

Okay...this is just to vent. I realize I'm an adult not a child, but DAMN it sucks when you don't even feel like you're #3 on someone's list. DH went crazy with gifts for SS8 this Christmas(again). He bought him a 30-something inch flatscreen tv for his room, a game system to go in it, over $60 of video games for the system, ordered Lego figures on amazon for $20(just for the tiny PEOPLE!) because they had ONE character in the lot that SS would "love". DH spent over $200. Next, on his mom, he spent $600 on a bed because she doesn't like the one she has. I didn't overspend on DH, but I did buy him something I spent a long time researching and had it shipped from out of state. It is only one thing, but since he said "we weren't going 'big' on Christmas this year" (ummm....so those other purchases are small??) I wanted the "one thing" to be something he would enjoy. Come to find out yesterday, and I quote "My child support and my truck payment are $____ per month...I can't afford to get you anything."
Ummm. . . . . .then WHY THE HE** did you spend over $800 on TWO family members???? Your support and vehicle payment haven't changed since you started paying support... SS8 should have been just FINE with a TV, that is a pretty BIG gift in my opinion, but DH was worried because "he doesn't have anything to OPEN!!" ...omg...
I can't return his gift due to the return policy. I know I'm an adult, but DAMN this sucks. I just feel unappreciated.
Vent over. Time to grow up. And go buy myself something.

iamlosingit's picture

He told me the "gift" for his mom was because his father never paid her any child support for his sister and himself many years ago, and he agreed to give her $2000 from some inherited money because if she would have had the money she wouldn't have struggled so much. So he doesn't consider it a gift. What parent would hold their CHILD (grown, nonetheless) responsible for paying their deadbeat husbands support??? Especially since said child is an adult??

FieryEscape's picture

Tell your DH that him having a "Mommy Wife" is a massive turnoff and he should move back home with her.

robin333's picture

I'm sorry this happened. That said, I would be pi**ed and very hurt. He made conscious choices on how to spend his money. How and whom he spent it on should be telling you a lot.

Can you express your hurt to him?

iamlosingit's picture

I tried on Monday, his response was "fine, I just wont give my son ANYTHING!!" When I tried to tell him ss would have been just as excited with the TV and game system alone, he gave the same response. manchild.

notasm3's picture

Move on. He's not a keeper.

One of the nails in the coffin of a prior relationship (engaged with the date set) was when he gave me the same thing for Christmas that he gave his mother (at about $30).

Many, many years later - he's still a self-centered ass. I KNOW you can do better.

furkidsforme's picture

I don't think the amounts he spent are outrageous, but if he doesn't have it HE DOESN'T HAVE IT.

He should not have spent it if he couldn't cover his bills. That is stupid. He should not have sacrificed your gift in order to lavish others.

notasm3's picture

That gift is what in accounting terms is called a "sunk cost". It should not affect future decisions. I almost got married to a man because I had the wedding dress and all the reservations. I finally wised up and realized that having spent money on a dress was no reason to marry an ahole.

misSTEP's picture

My DH has been out of work almost the entire year. Finally got a job just a week ago. He was so upset when he found out that I had got him a gift because he couldn't afford to get me anything. I told him that I KNEW that he wasn't going to be able to get anything but I still wanted to get him something. Then I told him the same thing I told him months ago - that getting our gorgeous old house was all the gift I would ever want.

This guy is giving you a super lame excuse as to why he didn't feel the need to get you anything. I would definitely make sure that you have an equally lame excuse as to why you aren't giving him the thing you purchased, return policy be darned!

Ruby55's picture

He cant go buy you a card and some earrings or something??? I think it's ridiculous! It's not the money amount it's the thought and he should think of his wife! The amount he spent on the others is overboard and extravagant if he cannot afford to get his wife at least a little something. His priorities are messed up.

iamlosingit's picture

Well, here's an update. I'm almost embarrassed to write this, please read through to the end before you think he's fiancée of the year:

DH and I went to my side for Christmas Eve. Everyone opening gifts, the usual mayhem, DH hands me a box. My grandfather starts video taping. I open the box and there are 3 Hawaiian..(don't know how to spell this)..."leis". He starts putting them around my neck and announcing to my family that they are for one of the three Hawaiian Islands we will be going to for our honeymoon. Needless to say I was quite surprised (where does he think all this money is coming from?) He's back in my families good graces again, everyone is talking about the trip, kids are playing, all is good.
A week goes by. My cousin texts me asking where he got his package deal because she wants her husband to get it for her too. Sidenote: she knows we are not rich so she figures if we can afford it, than she can DEFINETELY afford it. I ask DH about the trip.....
wait for it....
He hasn't booked it.
He figured since he was going to pay all that money that the least I could do is pay for the airfare. Then he kept checking prices and said "maybe we should do just one island"....and now our wedding is less then 6 months away he is still "comparison shopping" and wants to know if we can just go to Mexico instead. I'm not sure if I should be hurt or amused by the whole situation.
One more thing because I've read so much on here about spoiled skids; even though he was initially excited the day he received it, SS8 doesn't give a rats behind about his TV and game system and is still happily taking over the living room tv because that's where the Netflix is. Now DH wants me to connect my account to his room so he can have Netflix too (don't know how to do this) as if the game system wasn't enough...lol....

notsobad's picture

In Canada an engagement ring is a gift and can't be taken back. My friend broke off her engagement, he's a narcissist, and he demanded the ring back. Her lawyer said nope, it's hers to do with as she pleases.

Sadly, jewelry doesn't have a high resale value. My friend is trying to sell her $20K ring and will be lucky to get $10K out of it.

notsobad's picture

Well if Judge Judy says it should go back, then it should! LOL

Not in this case. He wasn't divorced when he asked her, she thought he was, so it was actually a true gift not a promise of marriage.
And he swindled almost $100K from her, so she's just trying to recoup something.

Powerfamily's picture

I hope you told your cousin the truth, that it was all lies to make up for the fact he got you nothing for christmas while spending a fortune on his son and mother.

If you do continue on this path then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. He will never treat you properly, you will always be the last in line. He will always find away to spend your money as he will never pay a bill if he can get away with it.