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Freaking BM... as if enough wasn't going on in our lives

justmakingthebest's picture

DH caved and got the plane tickets for the date "SS" (read BM) wanted. DH hasn't spoken to SS in 6 weeks- he won't return a text or answer a call. DH's Email to her:

See below dates and times locations of travel for our son for Christmas vacation for our son this year. 


I would still love to have our son out for thanksgiving this year since you are cutting me short two days over the winter break. Please let me know by tomorrow so I can buy the thanksgiving plane tickets if I can have our son for thanksgiving this year 2020; yes or no.


I am assuming you will be taking our son to the airport and picking him up on the return flight.

Her response:

The dates we provided are half of his break so I’m not sure why you think you’re being shorted. I’m sorry SS isn’t taking your calls I’ve told him repeatedly to answer. He is very upset with you. As for thanksgiving, he is only coming for Christmas because of the court order, so having no order for thanksgiving he will not get on a plane. SS is very upset with you and there seems to be nothing I can do to correct this. 

Funny because SS wasn't upset with DH or I when he was out here for the summer he wasn't upset at all. She get's 11 overnights for winter break and we get 7. Last time I checked that wasn't 1/2. DH gave up 2 days. I hate her. I just wish she would get hit by a damn tractor (I would say car but there is a better chance of a tractor where they live). But then he would come live with us and that would be worse at this point.


The email I sent back to DH:

Visits are counted by overnights.


She gets: 18th -19th, 27th-4th- 11 nights

You get: 20th-27- 7 nights

You lost 2 nights/days. 


And the reason SS won't get on a plane or answer the calls is because she has no parental control. That's probably why he thought it was all well and good to steal Vodka from a cop and get pass out drunk at a family cookout with his old friends here. The kids in our house would not and have not ever behaved with such recklessness or disregard.


I think I am starting to hate SS too. I never thought that was possible but I really think it is starting. I really hope he does send that back to her. Parental control was a big deal with the judge and the GAL. I really want him to send that dig to her. 


** In other news, my mom's chemo schedule has been doubled and intensified. It seems like every appointment she has the prognosis is worse. She starts next week so this weekend is our last chance to see her in person until the end of January. She has never missed a Christmas with my kids since they were born. She would even fly from VA to WA when they were little to be there for them.

My dad has been in a serious depression since her double mastectomy. I think he was able to see her as a patient until that happened. I think he now  sees that his wife might not make it. 

My sister and I are not on speaking terms. 

SS20 is just a lot right now.

Online school sucks.

My job is super stressful right now. I am trying to hold everything together here.

I did get in with my doctor yesterday and she prescribed a daily antianxiety/antidepressant for me. I really need it to start working fast.

Did I mention I really need BM to just F*ck off?  


tog redux's picture

Sorry things are rough with you. 

DH needs to stop trying to communicate with BM and expecting anything other than this kind of crap. Just the facts and then ignore her. 

I totally get hating SS, I have no positive feelings left for mine anymore. I don't hate him anymore, but I did when all the BS was happening. 

ESMOD's picture

Sorry for the extra stress.

I think at least you need to drop the SS rope.  Seriously.. you have enough on your plate.  Stop pushing your DH to do things.. stop being emotionally invested in that process.  

Let your DH 100% manage his son and his visitation.  Your involvement is not going to make things turn out different really.. he isn't your kid... your husband needs to hold the rope.. you have too much else in your way.

justmakingthebest's picture

You are very right. I can't keep investing myself in anything related to SS. All I need to know is when he will be there so I can prepare myself for that. 

It is so much easier to say than do. 

Cover1W's picture

Start practicing removing yourself, it is the only way you'll get through it. You have no control, your DH has no control. That's about it. What the BM said in your case here is almost exactly, to the word, what our BM told DH about why SD couldn't see him and/or why BM couldn't get SD in the car to go to a counselor. And we live close!  It's PAS and at this point, as I've said before, nothing you can do.  Drop the rope....have you done any reading on how insidious this is and how almost impossible to fight?

justmakingthebest's picture

Absolutely I have. Dh too. It still doesn't make it hurt less or make him want to give up though...

I can't blame him. I would walk through the fires of hell for my kids.

 I need to stop though. I can't keep up this fight with him. Not now, not with the rest of things going on. My family needs me and this is a distraction from the people that are active in our lives and love us.

ESMOD's picture

I know.. you love your husband.. and you WANT to help him.. but right now.. you are the one that needs that support.  You can't keep up pushing him to fight BM.. let him make that decision.. whatever it is.  SS has proven he is no trophy to display on your wall.. his behavior when he came last time proved that.  He is your husband's son.. your husband neesds to figure it out.  Stop letting this kid drain your resources.. financial and otherwise.

Prayers for your mom.. it must be so tough for you.

tog redux's picture

It really did help when I finally managed to do this. You can be supportive of DH without feeling like you have to take on his problem for him.

Chmmy's picture

This is ridiculous!!  Every holiday, every vacation you and DH struggle to get the dates you are "allowed" to see SS. How is this woman not held accountable!?!?!? If there is a karma this woman will die alone.

JRI's picture

In our lives, we are only gifted with so much bandwidth.  Some have more than others.  Your immediate concerns are using up all of yours.  With no disrespect toward DH, SS or BM, you just can't give their situation any if your bandwidth right now.  Maybe later.

Hoping the best for you and your family.  Peace.