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justastepdad's picture

I apologize in advance for this vent/rant.

I'm 24 years old and I'm married to my DW with two skids (4 and 5). I feel often like some of the nice things about life that I completely took for granted when I was single or with someone that didn't have children have completely gone away and won't come back for a long time.

Things like..

Getting to spend time at the weekends with the person you're with. In our case, that = making sure the kids don't break anything, leave bodily fluids all over the house, scream at the top of their lungs in the store, house, car, bathe, constantly clean after etc etc. It's like the idea of getting to spend consistent peaceful, enjoyable time with my DW is never going to happen. Over the past year we've had only ONE time I can remember where we've been able to actually enjoy each others company..and that was on our anniversary. Once a year, really?. I've tried the idea of babysitters before but with the kids being so young, their mom would be hard pressed to leave them alone for more than just a day or two.

Getting to Shop. I like being able to go shopping, even if you're not buying anything. It's nice getting to see some of the things your DW likes, show her some of the things you like, maybe grab a coffee and one or two things then come home. Instead, as I mentioned above..our shopping trips are basically both the skids screaming their heads off. You can spend no more than 2-3 minutes a section unless its filled with toys and it's like these tiny, simple pleasures in life are gone.

The kids seem to always always come first. If I get off work early, it's probably going to mean watching them or making sure they've got tons to do, eat and lots of cleaning supplies around in case I need to clean up after them and I can't take my eyes off them for a second or they'll break something. Couple that with their mom making me watch them any time she wants a nap and I quickly end up feeling like a 40 year old with no life.

I love DW..but this just sucks.

I'm sure some of this is what its like when you've got your own children and in a way that makes it easier to bare, but I'm a step-father that just happened to fall in love with a woman than had kids. I wasn't told it was going to be like this..



stepkate's picture

I know that feeling. People will tell you 'than you shouldn't marry a woman with kids!" Well, you can't help who you fall in love with. If it was a switch you could just turn off, I think there would be a whole lot more single parents out there.

And, though I don't have kids, I would agree that it would be a HUGE difference between devoting your life to someone else's kids and devoting your life to your own.

redheaded_stepmom's picture

I know how you feel...and it is like that, somewhat, with your own kids. I enjoy taking my kids places with me when it's just me, but I can't handle it when DH is with us because he has absolutely no patience with them. Kids are bound to be noisy and impatient, that just comes with the territory. DH and I haven't had hardly any time just us together in the six years we've been married. It's tough, but you have to figure out some way to spend time together. My best friend is always telling me marriage first, then kids. If you are not strong in your marriage, how can you be strong for your kids, step or not? I have finally seen that she is right and DH and I are working hard on making more time for each other. Many times it's after we put the kids to bed. We have "date nights" at home. We get a nice dessert to share, have a nice bottle of wine, watch a good movie cuddled up on the couch together, sometimes we play board games or card games or video games together. Sometimes we even have "fantasy" night and one of us picks a scenario and we play it out. Spending quality time together doesn't always have to be away from home. I hope some of this will help. Good luck to you.

stormabruin's picture

Do you have family or a friend who would be willing to keep the kids one night a week so you & your DW could have a "date night"?

StepMadre's picture

I don't see any reason why 4 and 5 are too young for a babysitter? I was a full time nanny for a little boy from birth to age 2 when I was in my mid teens and I have babysat my share of infants, toddlers and small children. If you can find someone safe and reliable, it really doesn't matter what age the skids are. Dropping them off at a Hell's Angels convention would probably be a bad idea, but I'm sure you can find a nice, responsible teen or young adult that would be able to sit for you so you and your hubby can have at least one night a week to yourselves. If you don't get time with him alone, your marriage will suffer and you will wind up with your world revolving around two kids that aren't even yours and passing on all the benefits of being with the person you love the most and want to spend the most time with. I've seen a couple of blended family relationships and both wound up in divorce because absolutely everything revolved around the kids and the parents became distant, cranky and detached from each other with plenty of anxiety and resentment floating around too.

And don't be too hard on yourself either! These things do not come naturally and it takes time and a lot of hard work to carve out time alone with your husband. I can't speak for anyone else, but I have definitely been through this and I know a lot of other SMs who have as well. The older they get, the easier things become. Hang in there!