She left. That is it....
I am absolutely blown away. Last night without any discussion he took her to her mothers and came home. I was up in our room trying to stay out of the way of everything. He said he doesn't want to discuss it. Something happened to make him do this so fast. At lunch he was talking about having his last week with her and for me to stay out of it. I did, I stayed out of the way. I asked if she was able to pack a bag, he said no, she left with the bag she came over with on Monday.
He doesn't want to discuss it. I won't but, I am worried about him. I am waiting for the blame. This sucks.
For any of you that are just getting into a relationship with stepkids, if you can get out now, do so. If there are little problems with the BM and the Sk's, they get bigger when they get to be teenagers. I came into this wanting to be the best wife and stepmom. I had done so well on my own with my BS15, I thought I would be fine. I read the books, I went to the therapist, at one point even went on anti-depressants. All of this is because I came into a house with no rules. I asked for a few simple things, make your bed, take off your shoes, pick up your dirty clothes. That is it. Normal stuff. Everything, became a fight and an argument. SD was only nice to me, if I spent money on her. She is very opinionated and dominant. So am I. I was widowed at 34. I lost a child at 32. I have managed to survive all of that on my own and then I came into this loving a nice guy who was a good dad. I wish I could go back 5 years and undo all of this. Sorry for the vent, but, I am scared to death that I am going to be blamed and my marriage will not survive. This will not be the BM's fault a year from now, it will be mine. I came along and everything changed.
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She was 9 when we started
She was 9 when we started dating. We dated for four years and moved in about 5 months before the wedding. Even though my house is around the corner, I moved in to help him with the kids. We have 50/50 and he needed someone to be there when they got off to school. My job was more flexible. His parents had been doing it and then they moved. So it pushed everything up. From the first week, she has fought me. Her brother was easy and still is. He is the only reason my DH stopped it. The lawyers said he would lose in court. The judge believes kids should be with their mom.
I came in trying to do everything the way I did it in my house. They never had a chore, they never had to eat breakfast, brush their hair. Nothing. Even at mom's house. I probably gave too many too fast. But, I like a clean house. Since all the fighting, I hired a cleaning lady, I stopped even looking in their rooms. I just keep the door shut. Not with my kid. I am on him and if I didn't then he would be a slob. Funny thing was the laundry. DH would do their laundry and dump it in a pile in the hallway for them to take. It was nuts. But, I thought in a few months it would be fine. It has been fine for months. But, DH found out about the boyfriend that SD14 wasn't supposed to date and all hell broke loose.
Jsmom, I don't know how you
Jsmom,
I don't know how you could be blamed in all of this, when I though it was all ready decided that she was going to go to BMs FT last month? Weren't you guys just waiting for the papers to be signed to make it official?
I know DH is sad about this, but YOU are NOT the bad guy in this. And no matter what he says or ESPECIALLY what SD may ever say in the future, you need to know that- and be comfortable with that fact. People can always blame. Lord knows they do. But in your heart, you have to know you always tried to do the right thing and your conscience is clean.
My SD left in December (for the second time). And this time, it was permanent. She left on her own accord and was always looking for a reason to leave. She had it VERY GOOD here at our home, too! She had her own room in a beautiful home, everything she could ever need, a new car at her disposal (complete with a full tank of gas), a heated pool in the back, lovely vacations, etc.
And all we ever asked in return was that she follow a few simple rules and treat people in the home with respect.
And she couldn't (or wouldn't) do it.
And SHE chose to leave, in a hail of nasty, awful insults aimed at her father an I. And she hasn't been back since. And she never will, I'm guessing. She only calls her dad when she wants something (usually money) and luckily DH tells her NO!
DH, as a last resort, tried counseling with her, but she only blamed him (and me) for everything and never took personal responsibility for any part in this. NEVER did she accept her role in her bad behavior- it was only how horrible we were to her.
Oh, if only all kids had it as rough as she did! (small violins playing)
My point is, my DH and I KNOW that we did everything right by this child. If she CHOOSES to blame us for her mistakes, then that is her problem, not ours. Our conscience is CLEAR and we can walk with our heads held high.
And you should do the same if you know deep in your heart that you did everything you could for her.
Now4teens - Thanks so much.
Now4teens - Thanks so much. Your words have really helped. I went back and re-read all the posts. Your words are some of the most insightful into this hell with our SD14. I know I did everything I could, but as I keep getting blamed by her and her mom for everything, it helps to go back and read these posts. Thanks!!!
I'm so glad I could help you.
I'm so glad I could help you. Sometimes it DOES help to go back and re-read everything you wrote when you are doubting yourself.
Maybe you could print out all your older blogs (along with the helpful replies from other ST members) and re-read them from time-to-time when things get you down). Remember the past and all you have done for your SD. And if your DH EVER shows any hint that he holds you accountable for any of this...
show him the blogs and let him read them, too! Remind HIM of all you have done for his child! Sometimes a little walk down "memory lane" is good for those who suffer from denial
Keep you head held high. Those who play the victim role wil never accept responsibility and ALWAYS look for someone else to blame. It looks like your SD and the BM have chosen you. You can't change that, but you don't have to accept the role willingly, just because they handed it to you. Screw them!
I know how you feel. I don't
I know how you feel. I don't have any advice. Hang in there.
I feel so bad for you. I
I feel so bad for you. I have a SD that is 10 right now. I have tried to prepare my husband for the day that she is no longer going to want to live with us because I know the day is going to come. I am similar to you with the expectations where BM has none. He may blame you (I know that BM and the kids blame me but DH has promised me that he doesnt/wont).
Is it possible for you to discuss your fears with DH? Maybe if he knows that you are beating up on yourself he will be more willing to talk? I think its very important for the two of you to support each other but thats hard to do if he wont allow it. Hang in there.
Thanks for the support. As I
Thanks for the support. As I sit here crying. I am getting no work done today, I can't imagine he is. I am a talker, I need to talk things out to have them make sense. I know I will be blamed. The BM stated that it is my fault in her discussions with him. I really tried with this child. She wants to be popular and she is, with that a child needs restrictions. I believe I did nothing wrong by asking her to follow rules. But, what I believe and what my husband feels are going to be very different. I really wish we had waited to get married until they were all off to college. Ironically, he was the one who pushed it. I knew as I went down the aisle that I shouldn't have these misgivings. But, I couldn't turn back we had been together 4 years at that point. There were no problems until I moved in. I wish we hadn't.
Jsmom if you've done your
Jsmom if you've done your best, don't beat yourself up about her leaving. And it's most certainly not your fault.
I too have a SD (26). Two years ago, I married her dad and moved in with them against my better judgement. DH wanted me to bond with her. Well, that was a joke. We didn't get along because she had absolutely no structure and refused to do chores. DH made excuses for her so I also became the bad guy.
The first year was a nightmare and I wanted to leave because I didn't want to deal with her foolishness and powerplays. And I told my DH I wasn't going to live in a pig sty for anyone. I'd given up a beautiful lake front condo on the other side of town and had a wonderful single life. However, DH wasn't going to allow her to destroy his marriage and put his foot down.
At this point, SD is still here and finally starting to cooperate with us. Hopefully next year this time, she'll be in her own place. I don't think we'll ever be close, but such as life.
The best advice I can give you is stand your ground and don't allow DH to blame you for anything except trying your very best to make it work. Do not allow this foolishness and BS to destroy your marriage. I'm glad I didn't because we're closer now than ever before. And he's starting to see his daugther for who she really is (trifling, lazy, selfish) . .these are his words . .not mine.
Good luck, and I wish you the very best.
The plan (when we got
The plan (when we got married) was that she'd finish school, get a job and get her own place. She worked in the past and is now living off her savings. She finished school in December and has yet to secure full-time employment because she doesn't want to get off the gravy train . .but she doesn't have a choice it's time to grow up!
Her BM and other relatives - realize she's not only lazy but also a coddled woman child - have been giving her leads for jobs so it's just a matter of time now. She has a promising interview on Monday.
The day she moves out, I'm going to celebrate!