School mixing me up with BM...I had to send email to BM explaining.
Well at 7:30 this morning, my SS13 teacher called apologizing that they had screwed up again and had been sending emails to BM about his Survivor Day this spring and volunteering. I wondered why I had not seen anything about it. I had volunteered last fall to help them when they desperately asked at the Open House for help and no one stepped up. I did clear it with my SS who at that time had been asking me to chaperone a field trip. He wanted me to do it and we even talked about what he thought we could do differently from the fall one...I attended the fall one and just watched so I knew what I got myself into. He and his friends were friendly to me and my niece who I had with me that day due to a babysitting emergency for my sister.
Keep in mind, I never did anything at his school for him. One thing for SD15 because she asked me to. This was before she became a nightmare. He really wanted me to do it and I was looking forward to doing something with him. This was major for our relationship. At that time, we were in the midst of him no longer wanting to live with BM and in the battle with the attorneys...Never did get to court as BM settled at 6:00 PM the day before court. Lawyers screwed up the whole damn thing and didn't want to look unprepared in front of the judge. So we agreed to visitation for BM until his 14th birthday in July. We have 6 more visits and two weeks of vacation and it is over.
The teacher says they heard from BM that she could not volunteer to coordinate that day, but would be there to volunteer. Not sure how this happened, but somehow BM who never volunteered for anything at school in 7 years that I am aware of, volunteered to organize the event. I don't think she did, I think she thought she may have volunteered and to save face, keep discussing it. So I open up emails this morning and the teacher has forwarded over BM's email...
BM's Email - I regretably have to back out of Survivor Day. Because of a recent health issue with my daughter, I am spending my days off going to doctor's/counseling appointments with her. I still have that day off until 2:00pm so that I can still volunteer on that day, but I don't foresee that I will have extra time to coordinate the project. I hope this gives you enough time to find a replacement coordinator.
Okay beyond the fact that she is lying about my SD15 and all the appts she is taking her to, since we see the bills, she is still planning on volunteering that day. This woman who I have not spoken to in two years and that was when I refused to wake a sleeping child on a day off from school at 7:30 AM. She threatened to have the police come. Can you imagine how I would be that day? I am sure I would go off.
I never communicate with BM since DH won't allow it...I sent one letter three years ago, before SD15 sued us. That was because BM lied to SS13 about my child. She never replied to me, only to DH. That I was overstepping and showed no love to her children. Deflect much?
So after all of this, before DH could tell me not to, I sent BM an email. I need to make sure she is not going to be there that day.
Email to BM:
BM - It appears that the school is mixing us up in our emails. I had volunteered to coordinate the survivor day for SS13’s class last fall at SS13's request and had attended the Fall Survivor Day to understand what coordinating it entailed.
I just spoke to Ms. ------ and she apologized profusely for mixing us up again and has asked me to still volunteer because they need a coordinator. I have told her I had been planning on it.
I was hesitant if you were going to be involved, since there is such horrible tension between all of us given the events of the last three years. Since I do not want to do anything that would cause SS13 any more grief, especially in public, can you let me know if you are still planning on volunteering that day?
It truly is a shame that we both can’t be there peaceably for SS13, but given what you have put us through, I am just not able to do it and I do not want to make SS13 uncomfortable.
Please let me know at your earliest convenience so I can plan accordingly.
Let the fall out begin...I am sure I am going to be accused of overstepping here by BM and posters on this board. But, I really am not. I know I shouldn't have said anything about what she has put us through. Don't care anymore...She has cost us a fortune to the point that we have not gone on vacation last year and can only do a small one this year. I have had to go back on medication because of this several time, go back to a therapist. I am afraid of going to anything at the schools for fear of seeing her and having a panic attack. My SD has told anyone who will listen that I abused her. BM has as well. She is a horrible person for what she has done to my DH. Now she says that she is too busy taking care of SD15. Really, she was gone all last week in CA after being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts three weeks earlier. She put that out there since she saw that DH was in the email chain from the teacher. Unbelievable! I did tell DH on the phone this morning what I did and that situations like this are the exact reason I didn't take his name and never will. I do no want to be associated with that woman and that child...
Vent over!!! Thanks for reading, if you got through this long explanation.
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IMO you definitely
IMO you definitely overstepped here. Your DH should've been the one to contact BM to clear this up.
Given you insisted on contacting BM despite your DH's request not to, I think I would've tried to phrase paragraph 2 a bit less harshly (maybe say "Given the tension we've experienced together, I feel it's best we not both be participating in the same activity" or something) but I see no need for paragraph 3. It's finger-pointing & accomplishes nothing more than that.
He didn't request this time.
He didn't request this time. I didn't give him the chance. He came home at lunch and we discussed it. He was fine with it. BM has replied...Now I am debating on replying back.
I would love to write a note
I would love to write a note telling BM she's the reason we can't work together, but she'll never see it. Let us know how she takes it.
Also, there is a name in the letter portion that didn't get edited out.
Fixed it - Thanks!!
Fixed it - Thanks!!
A person can only do and take
A person can only do and take so much. I envy your courage.
You were not nasty.
You did not call names.
You were honest and direct.
I don't think you
I don't think you overstepped. You are volunteering and need to know if BM will be present or not. You have every right to send the email.
Sure I could have left out
Sure I could have left out some of that, I know that...But, honestly, why should I not call her out a little bit on what she has put us through when I have the chance? Trust me, this will have fall out and DH will insist on me staying out of communicating with her.
I would love, love, LOVE to
I would love, love, LOVE to call out whatshername on her refusal to cooperate. We've got all of her nasty, nonsenical emails in case we ever need them and she flat out told the therapist that FDH took the 5 year old to that she refuses to co-parent. From day 1, she refused to try and told FDH that they would be "parallel parenting." In otherwords, FDH would be parenting, she would be babysitting and he would still be subject to her ridiculous whims and demands like when they were married. We were emailing for a bit and things were going okay, then she flipped out on me and we have, at best, a very icy relationship when we actually have to see each other (like school conferences, concerts, etc). FDH hasn't "banned" me from communicating with her, I think he wishes I would so he doesn't have to, but I have made it clear that I will be civil in front of the boys and times when we need to be together. I will not go out of my way to antagonize her (except a recent incident with some laundry detergent, which I will admit was juvenile) but I'm not going to keep banging my head against the wall to try to get someone who refuses to cooperate to communicate with me about kids that aren't mine.