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minor skermish

jrpartner's picture

So here's the next one.  Preparing dinner yesterday evening, and my girlfriend had to run to the store quick.  She told her son (SS17) to be home at 530 for dinner.  When she came back he had left a note, "Hey Mom, I'm eating at Jack's".  She was less than happy.  He doesn't have a phone so she mesaged his friend to ask him to come  home.  I read the message, it was very polite.  When he came home, he stormed in the house, "What!?... I don't like when she (DD14) does it, what makes you think you can!!?".   (How dare we make a nice dinner and expect him to eat with us).  Again, this is happening while I'm still at work.  Since I wasn't there, I don't know what else occurred or what was said.  I'm going off of what I was told because things simmered down by the time I got home.  My girlfriend reached out to her older son, SS24 to intervene.  He arrived shortly after I did.  After supper, he took his brother for a ride and a talk.  Not that anything is likely to change.  This was the same day SS17 had therapy with his Mom.

 

Comments

beebeel's picture

Do you suspect the punk became physical with his mom? There is no way I would remain in the same house as this future convict. You have younger kids, don't you? Don't they deserve to live without violence and drama every damn night?

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

^Behavior like his seems to escalate. Even if he hasn't gotten physical yet, doesn't mean it won't happen soon.

jrpartner's picture

Yes he has though it's been rare.  He is a treat without a doubt.  I do have a daughter a couple of years younger.  We all deserve to live in a home wihout violence and drama every night.  We've been together for 10yrs, so it's not an easy move to make.  But I certainly see your points.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Honestly it sounds like your SS's 1) a little s*** and 2) has been treated like an adult his whole life and has the ego to go with that...

He's 17, so hopefully you both can at least get it under control until he moves out, but honestly making it that long without this getting crushed has probalby built some crazy habbit that's going to be hard to break.

ESMOD's picture

I will be honest, when I was 17, I rarely ate a formal meal with my family.  I had a couple after school jobs (one being in a restaurant) and usually just grabbed something along the way or at work.  I might have also been hanging with friends etc..

Now, you say the note said be back for dinner at 5:30.. but were those the exact words?  Was it maybe more brief stating "dinner is at 5:30" which the boy may have interpreted as "we have dinner here at 5:30 if you want to eat with us be here then".  So the kid is 17 (on his way to 18)... and he maybe thinks that he has the autonomy to set his schedule and informed his mom that he would be eating at a friends instead... again.. he DID give her a heads up.

Then she goes all mommy on him and communicates through his friend that he has to go home.. as if he is a small child (I'm just relaying how I imagine he sees it).  It's embarassing to have your friends think you can make plans as an almost adult then have your parents come back and apparently undermine you.

So... he is at that moment doubly frustrated... he thought he did the right thing by telling her what he was doing... he is missing the dinner at his friend's that he wanted to do and feels embarassed in front of his friend and his friend's family.

Now, I am not absolving the kid of acting pouty and angry and storming into the house.. I'm just trying to relay what he may have been thinking about the whole situation.  You only are getting your information 2nd hand... so it's not all that easy to come to the perfect conclusion about what happened.  I also don't know the background.. does kid not have a phone and is required to come home for dinner because he is in some way being grounded or punished for not making good decisions? 

Again, I think at his age, he should have some autonomy about his schedule as long as he isn't abusing it.  He will be out on his own soon enough and it doesn't hurt to give some reasonable freedom to choose how and when he does some things.  He also needs to respect his mother... even if he doesn't always agree with her.. BUT.. this is NOT for you to step in and enforce.. his mother needs to parent him herself.  This isn't your fight (barring an incident where he physically assaults her)

 

beebeel's picture

Correct me if im wrong, but isn't this kid doing terrible in school and recently did a stint in the psych ward? I think he deserves exactly zero freedoms and autonomy.

ESMOD's picture

Yeah.. I don't know.. I don't have all the history and was just making a comment regarding what I might think about a typical 17 yo.. even one that may be in counseling doesn't necessarily mean that he needs to be under lock and key.

I did go back and look at the other posts and it seemed like it was almost a 2 way street with the kid... like the chip incident...it seems like he really got jumped over something that was probably a fairly minor thing.  But then again maybe trying to nip things in the bud and all.

It seems the boy is very reactive which would explain counseling and meds.. but he is still a 17 yo and it doesn't seem like he is clear on what his boundaries are...   I mean if he is that bad... why is he even allowed to leave the house?

jrpartner's picture

Even when he's not allowed he just goes.  The chip thing was pretty stupid but it was an example of what goes on.  He's absolutely reactive and overreactive all the time.  Not every day is horrible but there are a lot of bad ones, and bad moments even if they don't make the day suck.

jrpartner's picture

We have dinner together everyday so it's not formal as much as it's a norm.  She told him to be home at a certain time, then he waited till she left and decided what he wanted to do.  Rather than working it out he went and did his own thing.  It was a lack of courtesy, he certainly saw the pile of pork chops that we were going to have.  Then he got mad when she wanted him to come home.  A dinner shouldn't be the catalyst for a loud argument but just about anything can spark it between SS17 and his mother.  It wasn't my fight, and I'm glad to say I didn't jump into it.