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back to playing referee

jrpartner's picture

Sometimes disengagement doesn't work.  At the table today, before SO goes to work.  As often is the case, SS17 has an issue with something his mother said to him, or the way she said it.  This disagreement started over a comment about how we're not buying a new dining room table or other new furniture because kids destroy things (DD14, SS17 in this house).  SO tells SS17 he owes her for the storm door that no longer shuts right (he has slammed it more times than I can count).  He defaults to "You're rude, you're always so rude to me everyday...!"  blah blah I'm used to this.  He makes the point that he's not paying to fix the door (no shit) and things start to escalate.  He said "You need to quit saying stuff that sets me off".  I did chime it, because I'm sitting right there, listening to the escalation over stupidity once again.. 

Me: "You being set off is your problem, not hers or anyone elses."  

SS17: "I love how I'm always the target..."

Me: "You make it easy when you're the one who keeps running your mouth"

That more or less ended the excitement.  He doesn't like confrontation with me, mostly his Mom.  Now I'm pretty sure this guy has NPD, so I really do try to disengage and it seems to be working.  But when he's trying to escalate with his Mom right in front of me like that, more often than not I'm going to say something.  I'm not even that angry about it, just another example of how meds and therapy don't work for everyone.  A person has to try to improve himself/herself and want to have better relationships with people to achieve a good outcome.  Not gonna be one here.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Why do you keep your daughter in this abusive, highly stressful, emotional hellhole of a house? It's not fair to her, and it WILL build resentment when she is older and is scared every time someone raises their voice. Or, she'll be your SS's next target when Mommy Dearest is around.

Take your daughter out of this mess. She doesn't deserve it.

jrpartner's picture

Thanks lieutenant_dad for your input.  It's easy to say "get out" not so easy to do.  My house- so I should throw them both out on the street?  We've all been together for many years.  Not decision I've been able to stomach to this point.  My SO is the only mother DD14 has had in her life, and calls her Mom everyday.  SS17 is near 18, and could move out on his own this year if he chooses.  I talk to DD14 often about the situation surrounding SS17 and his Mom.  This site is for venting, not judgement.  Thanks

lieutenant_dad's picture

Oh, I judge any parent who keeps their kids around someone abusive, or allows their child to witness their parent being abused.

Of course DD will tell you she is fine. She has no options. She has no where to go. This is her normal. She has to adjust to it, but that doesn't make it okay.

Yes, you can kick your wife and her son out, and she can STILL be your wife and STILL be mom to your daughter. But at least she is more shielded from the crazy than she currently is.

My mother has mental health issues. I grew up with her manic behavior, and while it was normalized in my home, it wasn't "normal". It has caused me to be anxious and stressed with my family. It has made me vulernable to manipulation by my mother. There are lasting effects on me and my siblings due to it.

You are in a unique position to protect your daughter from this.

ETA: This isn't just a kid who has a smart mouth. This kid has been PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE to his mother and has little regard for women in general. He is unsafe to the nth degree. Do you really think he is going to be able to live on his own at 18?

ETA 2: Also, I left an abusive marriage. No, it isn't easy, but it can be done.

secret's picture

Sounds like you put him in his place, as deserved.

I don't have tolerance for little sh!tsta!ns like that...

Once he's an adult, legally, you have no responsibilities towards him, and you can tell him so... that your hard-earned money will not be going towards such an ungrateful disrespectful little sh!t... and then I'd make a point to say that now that your money isn't going towards a spoiled entitled arsehole, you can afford the things you need for your own child.... and then buy her something nice.