You are here

I am back!

Journey0601's picture

So I took a break from here, I have a new account so my entries are gone.  Anyways, I have a mini wife situation and my DH and I have had some major issues too.  Over the summer I spoke to DH about how his daughter (11), is all over him.  He was very hurt and now that he has been stopping her from Lyon on him, sitting on his lap etc... he feels he is rejecting her love and now resents me. We started with a family counsellor yesterday (just him and I). She said the child’s feelings is the most important and that if she needs that physical attention, he needs to give it to her and that it’s up to him to teach her what is appropriate (two occasions I have seen her hand on his groin). She recommended a book, which I have almost finished.  It basically offers zero support for step mom’s and essentially says that children are the most important and too bad... step mom’s need to bend over backwards to please the step kids.  So essentially the counsellor backed up everything that my DH has been saying and I feel even more like my feelings do not matter.... 

the counsellor told me I need to work on my self and seek individual counselling... she basically thinks I am just jealous of my SD...

I even messaged DH after that I will no longer say anything about how SD is with him as I do not matter on any of this and it’s none of my business.  He agree.  The counsellor said that I need to keep trying to build a relationship with SD and schedule time alone with her. So that I am not seen as a threat...

 

i feel pretty crappy about all of this... as far as I am concerned, DH and SD can start sharing a bed again and she can keep lying on top of him and sitting on his lap etc....as I must be a selfish person because I want DH to reject his daughter...(which is not true... I am just uncomfortable that they act way more like a couple than we do)

i feel broken and don’t even want to be around them... I just want to take the two little kids and do my own thing and they can have their love fest... 

Comments

Simpleton21's picture

I don't normally say this but I would leave.  That behavior seems super inappropriate to me.  I would feel the exact same way.  I think you need a new counselor also.  One that is more experienced in blended families (if you do go back to counseling).  

Journey0601's picture

the first time the groin thing happened they were cuddling on the couch and both falling asleep so it wasn’t intentional... the second time was at the beach and I told her she should move her hand... her dad didn’t notice.... I DO NOT think my DH is a pedophile... I think that my SD just needs to be taught to be cautious of what is appropriate... the counsellor specializes in children and teens... many here told me to leave him before...I am just not there yet and there are two more children... IDK, the marriage may not survive this stuff.... I just feel like I do not matter....

Winterglow's picture

The counsellor may well speicialize in children and teens but they haven't a clue about the specificities of blended families. I'd be looking for another one. 

Does your DH at least understand the difference between showing affection and inappropriate showing of affection? 

 

Journey0601's picture

He says it’s up to him to stop any inappropriate behaviour and that it’s not my place to say anything.... he also thinks I exaggerate it 

Simpleton21's picture

I wasn't trying to say he is a pedophile but if he isn't doing anything to show his daughter what is appropriate and doesn't think their is a problem with the way things are I would personally leave.  I understand wanting to work things out and having other children involved but that girl needs to figure out some boundaries and he needs to be on board.  He is treating her more like a lover than you and that is a problem!  

Find a new counselor for sure!

Winterglow's picture

I agree!

I would start taking photos of them when she's lying on him, cuddling him, etc. Maybe actually seeing what things look like might just snap him into reality. Or post a couple on Facebook with a cutesie sugary caption "she really loves her daddy!" or something and then sit back and wait for reactions... Maybe if enough people say what you're thinking he'll start to question things?

Journey0601's picture

for validating my feelings.... my friend witnessed it at the beach and commented to me about it and of course DH said it’s none of her business and she has no right to say anything about the love a father and daughter share.... it honestly makes my stomach turn.. we were on a cruise and she had to sit beside Him and every meal and fortunately found friends so she wasn’t all over him... other than in the water and the groin thing.... I don’t even want to be around them this weekend....

Simpleton21's picture

I like the posting pics on fb and waiting for comments to roll in...but if a friend noticed it already as well and he said she needs to mind her own business I doubt that will work either.  He is grossly enmeshed with his daughter.  That is not normal.  I am a daddy's girl but the things you have described disgust me.  I don't blame you for not wanting to be around them.  

Journey0601's picture

to take pics in the past and he knows what I am doing and gets upset.... he has stopped her from doing a lot of the stuff, but resents me for it... like when she tries do lie on top of him he tells her she is not allowed to do that.... and he has stopped her from sitting on her lap... but he is sooo upset with me for forcing him to reject her love 

Simpleton21's picture

Just think about that...he gets upset if you take pictures of the INAPPROPRIATE behavior....that tells me that he KNOWS that it is completely WRONG!  Otherwise he wouldn't care if you shared pictures of their "loving" relationship *bad*  Placing appropriate boundaries and teaching your daughter appropriate boundaries doesn't = rejecting love.  

I honestly don't know how you deal with this or stay with him when he is resentful towards you over this.  

Merry's picture

But he's not rejecting her love! They can hug and touch and be affectionate appropriately. It's his dang job to teach her appropriate behavior.

I would be totally disgusted and turned off too.

Journey0601's picture

Honestly, I don’t think I can deal with this crap anymore... I just got home from work and he kissed me goodbye as he left... he shared with me last week that some lady he used to bang back in the day got in touch with him last week and wants to meet him for coffee (she is married to some really old dude) apparently they were great friends... I told him I am

not comfortable with him meeting or talking to this broad and he made a deal that if he meets her, I will be there... he even invited her and her husband to our House... I told him I do not want to cook dinner for some chick he banged... even if it was 20 years ago... I asked him if she has gotten in touch with him again and he told me to be nice to him and he is not answering that question... he thinks I am being ridiculous.... so whatever, I texted him that I have a right to know if he is talking to this broad..... but he clearly doesn’t give a shit about my feelings... I am home with all 3 kids... I want to take my two tomorrow and just take off for the day and he can spend the day with his princess and see what life is like with just her... because you know, I am the one who makes the money and pays the bills and cooks the food and cleans the house... he watches the baby and helps a lot with the kids and outside of the home... but I seriously have way more to offer In this Marriage.... I am so upset 

Simpleton21's picture

Ugh, your DH gets worse and worse IMO, sorry!  I'm not trying to be rude but I hope you really do consider leaving this situation.  He is showing that he has ZERO respect for you and your feelings yet expects you to take care of everything and be the bread winner?!?! I agree that I wouldn't want him meeting some old flame for coffee or having the old flame come over and expect me to cater to her....wtf?!?!

Get out now.  Find a man that appreciates you...or don't find a man and just enjoy getting rid of this anchor and his incest mini wife.  Let his mini wife take care of him since he can't "reject" her love....or his old broad he used to bang!  

Honestly, what are you getting out of this relationship?!?!  

Journey0601's picture

i don’t even know what I am doing.... I bought the house, I pay the bills, my DH is very good looking...he is great with my son and our daughter... but quite a bit older than me and I am no slouch either.... I know there are plenty of men who would appreciate me... 

Simpleton21's picture

Looks fade...just saying Wink LOL!  I know you know that!  However, this relationship with his daughter and how he treats you can't be worth it.  At least it doesn't sound like it.  

If nothing else at least consider a break.  You own the house, that is great, evict him! LOL

susanm's picture

Wait - you make the money?  Girl, he is pulling this crap because he wants to throw his dick around and "be a man."  The "I can do what I want - even get in touch with old girlfriends - and you can't do anything about it" is a clear temper tantrum.  Time to smack him down.  He wants to walk down memory lane and play super-daddy?  Cool.  Let's see how much time he has to do all that when he is working full time because sugar-mama separates finances and puts him on an allowance until he decides to be a partner again.  Sorry but there is no reason for anyone of any gender to pay for someone who is treating them badly!

Journey0601's picture

I am so fed up with this crap... and he is constantly nagging me to not spend MY money!! 

Simpleton21's picture

Whoa!!!! No way!  You go spend YOUR money on whatever the HELL you want!  I would be tempted to drive home in a new car and cut off his finances for good!  LOL!

Seriously, this is out of control.  Take your power back and use it!  

Journey0601's picture

showed me a picture of this broad.... she looks about 20 years older than me... and her husband looks about 80.... I am an attractive woman and I am great in bed... i doubt he would want that woman... I think he wants to talk to her so she can fawn over him and make him feel better about himself...with me upset with him and his narcissistic needs... he likes Attention, even if it is from an unattractive old flame...

 

Mrs Fireball's picture

Stranger things have happened.

A guy I dated in college banged a co-worker who was a good 100 lbs overweight while we were dating. I was a size  12

susanm's picture

A good friend of mine who is gorgeous and a head-turning size 8 got cheated on with a woman who was VERY heavy and had a face like the dog's dinner.  He claimed that my friend was always too busy with work and made him feel immasculated but this woman listened and made him feel "like a man."   You never know what an insecure man is going to do.  They all have different ways of acting out.

Simpleton21's picture

Yet another red flag!  Even if he doesn't want her or wouldn't do anything with her what he is doing is WRONG!  He seems very insecure and selfish!

Sorry to keep badgering you on this but honestly he doesn't sound worth any of what he is putting you through.  He is supposed to be your partner and supporting you.  He is supposed to be helping with any stress you have....not adding too it.  Other than being good with your kids it doesn't sound like he brings much else to the table.  

Journey0601's picture

I agree... I don’t even know what I am doing anymore... SD just asked me if we are going swimming tomorrow... I guessed she asked husband and he told her to ask me... meanwhile I just want to leave with my kiddos and now I feel guilty for doing that to SD...She is being sweet and helpful and joyful tonight....ugh...

Journey0601's picture

I feel..... I don’t want to be around her and him....

advice.only2's picture

1. Find a counselor who deals in blended family situations and understands the dynamic of mini wife sydrome

2. My DH used to let Spawn lay all over him to the point of looking wrong. One time they were on the floor and the way it looked was just gross, my parents came over for dinner and saw this and my mom with out thought blurted out "That's looks so wrong why would you allow her to sit on you like that?"

DH sat up and had Spawn move and later chewed me out for my mom's comment. I told him it wasn't anything that I wasn't thinking myself, after that DH started being more careful with how he let Spawn touch him.

3. I'm sorry but no man doesn't not know when his crotch is being touched or there is an object near it! They protect that thing like it's made of gold.

Journey0601's picture

counsellor!! I wish his family would say something... he threatened that if his mom what I am saying she will be upset with me (his mom and I have a great relationship).   His mom will agree with me lol! Here and I have discussed things like this and I think she gets it... but says “she is his princess and it is what it is”

My Family and him do not have a great relationship...I wondered about the groin thing...

he has to work tonight and I will be alone with her and the two littles... and then she is with us for the weekend and I am barely talking to him.... I just don’t even care to 

 

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, adviceonly2,

I had much the same experience with my DH and his then 12-year-old mini-wife but in my case, it was DH's mother who complained. After hours of watching SD drape herself all over her father, MIL snapped, "For heaven's sake, SD, peel yourself off your father and let him breathe!"

Later that week, I suggested to DH that if he was planning to continue accepting the lap dances, he should be tucking some bills in the front of SD's Bermudas. As you can imagine, my comment was not well received. However, DH did address the worst of the pawing but he also felt guilty for 'rejecting his daughter's affection'. 

I was not particularly jealous of my SD but the inappropriate cuddling was frankly embarrassing to both me and my SS, who often tutted in disgust and left the room when his sister was fondling their dad.

Hon, your comment ~ They protect that thing like it's made of gold.~  had me, literally, laughing out loud; truer words were never spake!

 

 

Simpleton21's picture

I love it when someone other than the wicked StepMonster calls out the absurd behavior.  Your MIL sounds awesome! LOL

theoldredhen's picture

As do I, Simpleton!

My MIL, now sadly deceased, was both wise and a straight shooter. I still miss her.

still learning's picture

Like most problems with skids on this board this issue originated with your husband. He's the one who turned SD into his mini-wife when he and BM split, someone had to fill the void of female companionship and affection, and SD did.  The counselor is right that DH is the adult and needs to be the one to teach SD what kind of affection is appropriate. The problem is that your DH has boundary issues and does not know how to treat his own daughter like a child. It sounds like he is unwilling to give up the "special" relationship that he and SD have developed.  I don't know what the answer to this issue is but the cause of it is DH.  

Simpleton21's picture

Definitely a DH problem.  I would be packing my stuff and letting him continue his incest relationship with his daughter.  Let her pay 1/2 the bills and take care of his needs.  Don't "force" him to "reject her love" *bad* I could't sleep with a man after witnessing all that.  

My SO def treats his daughter like a princess but he doesn't do this overly affectionate stuff and he has called her out at least a few times that I know of when she has tried to act like more of a lover than a daughter.  

Pickles45's picture

Like everyone said - You need to find a new counselor! If I were you I would find one to go to by myself first to see if they agree with YOUR way of thinking. THEN get him to join you. Maybe even find 2 or 3 and then you can say "See? 3 out of 4 agree with me and the first one we went to was clueless!" I would also not care if he gets upset with you but keep saying ENOUGH! What do you have to lose? I would try everything before just folding and leaving him. 

She's 11- have you given her "the look"? You may not be able to, but I can give such a look that she knows to stop what shes doing. Hes wrong!!! My SO was wrong when we first met. I had to get on him over and over before things changed. Now he is super aware of when and how he and his daughter touch. They still hug and kiss hello and goodbye but thats about it. When she tried after months of not doing anything to get touchy feely (playng with his toes and trying to rub his back) he definitly saw my dispproving  face and had her stop almost immediately. 

The more I read on here the more I see how divorce really does F*** up kids! And people wonder why SM's don't want skids around!!!

Journey0601's picture

you everyone! I LOL’s at the she can pay half the bills comment...

you mean 90% of the bills? Because that is what I pay as his business is struggling (he does watch the baby during the day to save on daycare). I am just so disgusted and upset by all of this... my feelings really don’t matter to him.... I am thinking I will take my two out of the house tomorrow and do whatever we want and he can stay home with his love bird and they can show each other how much they love each other all day long.... 

he is a dick, straight up.... read my comment above how I asked him about some ex lover contacting him and he won’t even answer me because he things I am being ridiculous asking such questions...

thanks all

Winterglow's picture

Ask him, from me, who the EFF he thinks he is.

The woman is clutching at straws because she's on her own, desperate, and he seemed to be the likeliest guy from her memories to be still single. How flattering is that?  Then deal him the coup de grace by telling him that the poor dear doesn't know that he has already found not only Ms Right but Ms STELLAR Right. Good grief, isn't it sad when they don't realize how good they have it? I have no patience for this kind of stuff - kick his arse  for me Smile He'll feel SOOO much better for it!

 

Journey0601's picture

i know.... I said this woman’s old husband probably has erectile dysfunction and wants to rikindle an old flame! She stalked him on social media and found his # and called him... he sent her a picture of all of us... yes Bittch I am WAy hotter than you (conceited and shallow... but it’s true lol!) he seriously doesn’t get how good he has it.... 

Simpleton21's picture

I think you would save more than daycare expenses if you got rid of this anchor and his little love bird.  Something isn't right in his mind if he thinks that this behavior is okay and you are the problem.

His disrespect about this old lover is just another reason to RUN!!!!

I hope you enjoy the day with your children so much that you go home and pack his stuff along with his little lover's stuff and tell them to go find their own love nest to be grossly inappropriate with one another in!!!!

Healyourslf's picture

She's 11, pre-pubescent. SD either learns NOW or the behavior will continue to cross the line and escalate. Accept no excuses from DH. It's up to him to say, "no" and teach what is appropriate. Sounds to me like DH may have his own boundary and guilt issues.  At 11, she may be feeling the confusing pangs of oncoming sexual maturity and dad should never be the object of these feelings. The intention and message should be clear - do not in any way behave, touch or inappropriately display behavior that is overtly "sexual" because it smacks of incest!  Don't be afraid to say the "I" word. If DH cannot create solid, healthy, physical boundaries, he needs a good swift kick in the behavioral balls. 

I witnessed my SD24 sit on DH's lap and grind while she grunted, "oh ow I've got a knot in my back...can you rub it out?" I calmly observed this while bile rose in my stomach and my gut twisted. DH's face was in shock. He was clearly uncomfortable, but she took him off guard. It only lasted for a short time before he guided her off his lap and made an excuse to have me help her as I am trained in therapy.  We should have called her out when it happened, but we were both clouded and taken off guard. 

It took me a couple of days to say what needed to be spoken aloud to DH. During the days I was forming my thoughts, a lot of questions ran through my mind and I felt repulsion towards DH. We had already been dealing with emotional enmeshment issues, but this sexual provocation was entirely new and to me it felt like the energy of "an affair." The bottom line is her behavior was outright incestous and made us extremely uncomfortable. I was looking directly into his eyes when this happened and it disgusted him as much as me.  

Be extremely honest about your feelings to DH particularly when it comes to these "physical" matters.  There are ways of showing affection without crossing the line. Today she is 11...they grow up fast.  I refrained from saying anything about my SD's behavior for nearly 4 years for fear of sounding like I was targetting his princess.  SD's behavior became more manipulative and brazen because of my silence. She mistook our easy-going, pacifist natures for ignorance and gullability and that she would never lose her place on the princess pedestal.  Unfortunately for SD, truth always rises.  Game over.

Simpleton21's picture

Bad OMG, that is disgusting!  I'm glad your DH was disgusted as well.

I agree OP needs to curb this now or leave this situation!!!  

Journey0601's picture

has her period And breasts and looks a lot older than 11.... she isn’t pre puberty... she has gone through puberty...I have tried all angles in speaking with him about this stuff... he doesn’t care... I am disgusted with this and now his refusal to answer if he spoke to this ugly old flame...

on a positive note! Princess is hanging out doing her own thing in her room right now!

SteppedOut's picture

Yikes. All this with his daughter and the "old flame"? Both COMPLETELY inappropriate; incase you need another person behind you. AND you pay for 90%? I'm guessing you could do it on your own. And...you should, WITHOUT him and sd there. At least until he learns to appreciate and RESPECT you. 

Journey0601's picture

I could totally support myself and my kids on my own... I would have a large daycare expense and cane count on any child support... I would have to cut back on some of the luxuries I enjoy, but I would be okay...

it’s just scary having to do it all on my own! I would move closer to my sister and my parents....

i don’t want another failed Marriage (first husband was a good husband who became a severe addict and alcoholic... he has never recovered... just drunken messaged last week... begging me to come back... which would never ever happen)

theoldredhen's picture

Hey Journey,

I can’t help thinking that the demise of your first marriage has damaged your self-esteem to the point that you’re accepting financial and emotional abuse (and yes, gaslighting is abuse) rather than accept another ‘failure’.

Your first husband was an addict and an alcoholic who refused to reform; a deal breaker!  One could hardly consider divorcing a substance abuser as a failure on your part, particularly when there was a child to consider.

Your current husband, as you’ve noted, is a narcissist. He will never put you first because he’s been allowed to use and abuse you throughout your relationship. His behavior indicates a lifetime of entitlement, perhaps the result of having been the spoiled darling of older parents? For whatever reason, your husband is completely selfish and disinterested in fulfilling any of your needs. As with all narcissists, only his needs and those of his daughter (an extension of himself) matter a damn to him.

Hon, you seem determined to continue in a marriage that is purely one-sided and will bring you neither fulfillment nor happiness. But, it doesn’t much matter what we steppers think or advise, you’ll keep punishing yourself, yes? Dang, but it makes me sad!

Please, do at least one positive thing for yourself; see a therapist and try to expose the reasons that you are sabotaging your own future.

Journey0601's picture

You are right, I know I am still emotionally damaged from all I went through with ex Husband... he was the love of my life and everyone who knew us felt we were soul mates... we were together 15.5 years.... being prescribed pain meds stole his soul and I stood by through multiple rehabs and I just couldn’t save him and left to protect my son. I still have an excellent relationship with his parents, friends and extended family... he is still a mess and it’s very sad...I don’t think I can ever be truly happy in my current marriage.... he really does not care about my feelings and has a lack of empathy... he gets quite upset when I tell him he is a narcissist  and yet he meets so much of the criteria... I am actually the 3rd woman he has a child with (2ns wife) his 23yo daughter he has no relationship with because she has “hurt” him... meanwhile I know for a fact she wants a relationship and wants to meet her baby half sister (my daughter) I have been in individual counselling before and I think I need to start up again.... I know I need to work through this stuff... it is just hard because the counsellor we just saw is the second counsellor who seemed to blame me for our issues... so it makes me question my sanity and what I have been doing.  Or is my husband just that great of a manipulator? That he has successfully gotten two counsellors on his side? He is super good looking and charming...

Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate it 

Winterglow's picture

Here's a thought...

Given that he says their behaviour is normal, ask him how he'll feel the first time he sees her lying on top of a boy. Well, why shouldn't she? If it's OK with daddy, why would it be wrong with any other male?

Journey0601's picture

Said this to him, like would it be okay for her to sit on her uncle’s lap? He said it is fine... or lie on top of her male cousin like that? He said no because the cousin may get arousedd in such a position... being young and unable to control such things.... he is seriously messed up.... I am quite upset with him thank you 

Winterglow's picture

I would  have told him that her first boyfriend is going to think all of his birthdays have come at once because she hasn't developed the "decency" boundaries that the rest of us have. Heck, it's going to be no holds barred for the guy!

 

Evil3's picture

I went through the same thing and many counsellors bought into the poor wounded coddled child of divorce crap. I was also told that I'm the one that had to not have any needs and forget about having any met. My SD29 was and still is a pathetic, clingy mini-wife. At least she tries. I had a lose your shit moment with DH four years ago, which changed everything on his part. Anyway, SD's behavior was pathetic. She would do things like come out of the shower dripping wet at age 15 and 16 with a towel that didn't even go all the way around and ask in a coy voice and do a little dance, "Dadddddeeeee, guess who?" DH would give a sheepish look like he was uncomfortable, but God forbid he'd ever do anything except answer her and say, "it's nearly naked SD." I wanted to puke. At age 23, she would still call Daddddddddeeeeeeee into her room for a tuck-in ritual. Of couse I got gaslighted and told that he isn't literally tucking her in. It's just a chat. I said it's still a fucking tuck-in ritual and she's 23 years old. My God! I'm having flashbacks.

Anyway, going through mini-wife crap for a number of years has been the most horrendous traumatic experience of my life and I've actually been beaten and left for dead. I loathe my SD more than my worst abuser. She is my worst abuser, actually. She would flash me looks and knew damn well what she was doing.

I went through many counsellors who sided with DH and SD until I finally lost my sh*t and told DH that right or wrong, I'm not tolerating it and I spelled out the exact changes I wanted immediately or I was gone. I was prepared to walk, because I could not deal with that any longer. I was having heart palpitations and brutal daily headaches from all the rage. I basically got zero affection from DH unless he wanted to get laid. Part of my losing my crap was DH was trying to act out Fifty Shades of Grey and I stopped him and said, "you can't do this with SD." He was so turned off, but  didn't care. I knew I got my point across.

The bottom line is that mini-wife syndrome does not stop unless and until the SM takes drastic action on her DH. I would go only so far and then pull back out of fear of failing in my marriage, but once I got to the point that I was willing to divorce rather than continue to live like that, I was able to stand my ground. Things are completely different now, but it was a marathon and not a sprint. I've had to give DH a few reminders, because he and SD would drop back into old habits, but DH knew and knows now that if he wants to stay married he needs to remember which one of us he's married to. These days, I'm having the time of my life. Trying to convince your DH of the impacts of mini-wife syndrome on his DD won't work. You have to make him face major consequences such as the loss of his marriage if he doesn't change. Your DH is indulging in mini-wife syndrome and not answering you about his past broad because he can. You need to make him squirm to get the respect you deserve. Good luck!