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Could my 5yo really be doing this?

Journey0601's picture

So I have posted how my 11yo SD was threatening to not come over anymore because she thinks my 5yo son is favoured by my DH (his step dad). She has said that my son gives her nasty looks while he calls DH “daddy” and it is upsetting her... well she has taken this anger out on my son and is being really mean to him... we are spending the weekend at MIL’s and last night my son wouldn’t even go downstairs with her abyntlr because she was being mean...  so last night after the baby was sleeping we were lying on the pullout couch, DH, my son and me.... and we’re discussing where everyone was sleeping.... she was saying she didn’t want to share with my son and said something about being fine with everyone else but him... he was then asking if he could sleep with daddy and he loves daddy and wants to be with him.... she got all pissed off had a fit, went on the couch and said she will just be by herself... later DH and I discussed it and he said he does think my son is putting on the “daddy” stuff to piss her off, as when she isn’t around he is all over me.... I don’t know if I agree entirely... but is it possibel for a 5yo to really be doing it to irritate her? My son lives with us fulltime and she is EOWE, 1 night

a week and half holidays/summer etc...

I hate that she is taking things out on him.... she clearly  is jealous (I don’t blame her... it must be hard for her and she shows zero jealousy towards the baby)

but if my son is actually doing this? How do I curtail it? Her resenting and being mean to him is clearly problematic and I also don’t want my son to be doing this to her either... rubbing in that he has DH more than she does..

thanks 

Comments

beebeel's picture

Yes, your 5 year old is certainly capable of trying to make his sister jealous. You need to talk to him and tell him it's naughty. You should also be redirecting his "daddy daddy daddy" show when SD is around.

twoviewpoints's picture

Yeah, your five year old sure can be doing exactly what he's being accused of.

Think about it. You just made an issue about 'mini wife' thing an it's a no no now for her father to cuddle up with her... but where was your son this weekend? Oh, right, cuddled up on the sofa with with you and his stepson.

Do you seriously believe this boy is too 'innocent' not to realize he has been rewarded with the exact same spot you banned SD from? 

Go sit in a classroom of kindergarten kids for the day and observe their interactions. You'll see exactly what five year olds are capable of in their socialization and interaction with others (how selfish, self centered and ha-ha I'm better than you ).  

Journey0601's picture

for advice, but I will add my son does not sit on my lap, spoon me on the couch etc... and if he tries to do inappropriate things, I redirect him and tell him to stop... a lot of the times my DH and SD cuddle... my son is sleeping...

i am quite aware that he could act like a mini husband... but my awareness puts an end to it... I all also say my son does go to my DH and calls him daddy and says he wants to be with him when SD isn’t there... if he is rubbing it in, which he very well is... I assume it’s payback for how she bullies him... it still isn’t right... and I will correct him 

Journey0601's picture

add, my son doesn’t sit on my lap, spoon me, put his hand on my crotch, try to straddle me... and if he does? I stop it... step daughter does all these things and she is 11 and has a woman’s body and even my GF commented on it at the beach... just this morning at church they were holding hands and she had her hand across his crotch and he moved it... I don’t care if she cuddles her dad... 

we also invited her on the couch and she refused...’

STaround's picture

1.  Talk to your son.  Tell him to knock it off.  Tell him when you are around, he comes to you.  If he keeps up the gloating and teasing, time out for him. 

2. Talk to DH, get him to spend more time with his DD when she is there. 

Disneyfan's picture

"Think about it. You just made an issue about 'mini wife' thing an it's a no no now for her father to cuddle up with her... but where was your son this weekend? Oh, right, cuddled up on the sofa with with you and his stepson.

Do you seriously believe this boy is too 'innocent' not to realize he has been rewarded with the exact same spot you banned SD from? "

 

i really hope you read this over and over again.  You gave your husband grief for cuddling with his bio.  However, you have no issue at all with him cuddling with his stepson.  Why didn't you or your husband think to include SD?

Both kids have picked up on what is going on and they both are reacting to it. 

SD is bullying your son because she feels like she is being replaced by him.  Your son is gloating because he has more time with her father than she does.

You and your husband need to fix this.  You fix this by telling your son to stop being an ass.   

 

Journey0601's picture

 my son doesn’t sit on my lap or DH  spoon me, put his hand on my crotch, try to straddle me... and if he does? I stop it... step daughter does all these things and she is 11 and has a woman’s body and even my GF commented on it at the beach... just this morning at church they were holding hands and she had her hand across his crotch and he moved it... I don’t care if she cuddles her dad... 

we also invited her on the couch and she refused...’

Maxwell09's picture

Your argument that she shows no jealousy towards the baby doesn't wash. The baby is not a threat to her yet. All it does so far is eat, sleep, scream and poop and most men do not fawn over newborns and have them as hip babies so naturally your stepdaughter doesn't see the bond between her dad and the baby as a threat...for now. It will come. 

As for your son, of course he could be doing these things. We read stories here all the time of children of that age range being completely manipulative. If you want to help have a family meeting with all of them there and call it out. He needs to tell his daughter to stop with jealousy and spitefulness. If she wants to spend time with her dad then she needs to speak up instead of over-reacting when she sees the boy doing it. You need to tell your son that he needs to stop hanging all over your SO. If he needs something then he needs to either ask you or get it himself. You both need to stop with the mini-child syndrome that the kids are playing off of each other. I also agree that to you both need to tell them how you plan on fixing the problem: your SO needs to spend time with his daughter alone while she is there and you need to start jumping in and helping your son whenever he tries to start monopolizing your SO. 

 

 

 

Journey0601's picture

I spent the day away with the two littles so they could be alone....I agree with a lot of your advice... but my DH is the primary caregiver of the baby as i work during the day (after a year of May leave) and he does in the evenings and he does fawn all over her. Lol!!

STaround's picture

Plenty of older kids, even in intact families, can be jealous of a baby.  I suspect not here, because OP is doing most of baby care, not dad.  

I disagree with dad stomping on his DD.  She is not the one creating the problem.  The road to stopping this is the son must stop the teasing, mom must say it must stop, no sitting next to dad by either kid, and dad must spend more time with his DD. 

Disneyfan's picture

Banning the child from sitting next to her father is ridiculous.  I guarantee the OP wouldn't tell her son he isn't allowed to sit next to or cuddle with her.

This idea that the OP'S husband is a replacement daddy for her son needs to be addressed.

still learning's picture

Make it clear that no one is sleeping with daddy but mommy.  

Since you know this is going to happen head it off at the pass. Have your 5 yr old be busy and engaged in other stuff or he can have a friend over to break up the dynamic when SD is there.  Maybe he could even spend a night at grandmas. Since sd is there so little it may be nice for her and her father to have some one on one time before heading to your home. They could go to lunch or do some shopping on the way.

Talk to your kid, he obviously feels threatened by sd's presence and is being mean.  DH should talk to SD, make known that her place in the family is secure. He is her dad and she needs to learn how to be mature and not react to a 5 yr old's antics.  Most of the time this kind of behavior will go away if it's ignored.  

ndc's picture

Your 5 year old can absolutely be purposely doing this to annoy SD and make her jealous.  My SO has a 5 year old daughter and, while I love her dearly, that kid has manipulation skills like you would not believe.  I'd put her up against an adult any day.  Don't think that because he's young he doesn't know what he's doing.  He probably knows EXACTLY what he's doing and is doing it for effect.  Tell him you know what he's doing and he needs to cut it out.  Impose consequences.  And tell your husband to spend some quality time (not cuddling time) with his daughter.

GoingWicked's picture

Lol, this is my youngest to a tee, except none of the kids get jealous of him because they know what he’s doing.  What I would do is validate your SD and empathize with her in front of your son.  If she understands what he is doing and why, and that you all know it too, your DS will lose his power, and she won’t be as angry. 

Survivingstephell's picture

a 5yo and an 11yo.  I see this as sibling rivalry at its worst.  He's a pretty smart little guy to figure out how to push her buttons.  

I think you two adults need to take a step back and figure out what your parenting message is to all the kids in your house.  Don't let them pull you into their childish dysfunction.  You and DH set the tone and rules in your home and they should all support a functioning  healthy family .  

Nip it in the bud when it is happening, not after, not after tattling, not after the kids are trying to you on their side.  Decide on what you say each and everytime loyality is questioned.  "there's enough love for everyone", we treat everyone in this house as family, etc..... what ever you and DH come up with that is your family motto.  

Each kid is looking for security from the adults, give it to them but don't give into their game playing.  

 

Journey0601's picture

I so appreciate all of your advice, but I find it a bit shocking that my 5yo is being jumped all over...

my SD has bullied and been pretty mean to my son for awhile, last summer DH’s friend’s wife was disgusted with how she treated him at times and told me that one day my son IS going to stand up to her.... If he is in fact doing this to push her buttons, it’s his way of getting her back... I am not saying that it is right and I will correct him, but I want it to be clear that SD was mean to him before all of this... in fact when it started a few weeks ago, it was because DH gave SD shit for treating my son like crap and she was pissed (DH said my son was doing nothing wrong) my son may have now found a way to piss her off....she is bigger and stronger than him.... the day after we got married I saw her take his head and push him into the sand... he was 3yo.... he is always telling me that she lies about him to make herself look good... I have witnessed her trying to get him in trouble.... just Friday night she went in his room and told him he had to go to bed and took his tablet and turned it off.... she is not his parent, I will work on fixing this... I do not like it and two wrongs don’t make a right...but it is his response to her nasty behaviour towards him... I just wanted to clarify all

That as part of me is not pissed off that he has found a way to stand up to her 

STaround's picture

Glasses?   You say DH gets his kid to knock it off, but it does not seem like you tell yoru kid to knock it off.  Let things from 2 years ago go, try to work on the present.  Maybe you need family counseling, but you will need to listen too. 

Journey0601's picture

except I do tell him to knock it off... I do discipline my son and he does get things taken away, time in his room etc.... we are in counselling and I want it for SD and my son too...

I don’t want my son to act like a little shit... THiS is why I came here and asked for advice which Is way more than many other bio parents do..... I just find some od the advice very harsh.... basically making this all his fault and not my SD’s when in reality they are BOTH to blame and so are myself and my husband.... 

Journey0601's picture

it is ONlY recently my DH has been critical of SD.... she did no wrong not too long ago.... In fact last summer when she slammed a door on my son’s foot on purpose and locked him out of their  room on vacation naked and crying... and my DH’s friend’s wife saw it and told her to apologize and she refused and said too bad... my DH accused me and the other lady of ganging up on his sweet angel.... again, I am here for advice and was open to the idea my son was being manipulative and want to fix the behaviour and I am being judged pretty harshly

 

STaround's picture

I do not think you are being judged harshly, and am sorry if you think so.   I do think that the subject of your original question, could my 5YO really be doing this?, indicates to me at least that you do not think he is capable of gloating, being manipulative and if so, highly unlikley you would have dealt with it.  I do think your step situation is solvable, but everyone needs to work at it.  I think the type of counseling where everyone meets privately with counselor, gets to say their piece, and then counselor helps the family move forward is best.  But others may differ. 

Disneyfan's picture

Your SD probably is being mean to your son.  But your effort to have your husband replace your son's father is causing all of this.  Your son had a father.  Sure, he isn't a very good one.  But your SD shouldn't be sidelined in the daddy/child relationship simply because your ex is an addict.

Your son lives with your husband.  There's no reason why he can't be encouraged to back off the 4 days out of the month that SD is there.

GoingWicked's picture

You are your son’s teacher.  You have to ask yourself is this the way you want him to solve problems as an adult?  To be petty and manipulative to people that hurt him?  Is this the kind of person you are going to want to be around when he’s an adult?

This isn’t be about SD at all.  You don’t have the power to change SD and what she does.  You do have the power to change and guide what your son becomes.  You also have a responsibility to protect your son from SD, he shouldn’t have to feel like he has to stoop low to seek revenge against her.

TwoOfUs's picture

I don’t think commenters are trying to be harsh toward your 5-year-old...just trying to open your eyes to see that yes...he’s perfectly capable of this behavior...for whatever reason or no reason at all. 

Personally, I don’t think it’s unusual or terribly awful behavior and certainly doesn’t warrant meltdowns or full family counseling. Siblings and other kids get jealous of each other and try to tease and get a rise out of each other all the time.

I recently took my niece and two nephews out...the oldest nephew (12) is my sister’s full-time stepson and the other two (girl, 9 and boy, 5) are her kids. These three are crazy about each other...especially the youngest boy about his older brother...he idolizes him and they do a lot together. But At some point in the night, my sister’s two kids ganged up on their older half-brother calling him by his full name in a sing-song voice (He used to have a different last name and it really bothered him. My sister and her husband legally changed it last month.) As soon as I realized what was happening I told them to knock it off...and I was shocked and it hurt my heart a bit. They’re all usually very good to each other and I love taking them out and spending time with them because of it. But yes...for some reason that I don’t know my sweet, beautiful niece and my adorable, loving nephew were being total shits to their big brother. I don’t think that makes them terrible kids...it just makes them kids. And they had to knock it off and I told their parents :-/ 

In your case...it should certainly be corrected...but no need to act like it’s the end of the world. Your son likely called your husband daddy one time, as he’s used to doing, and saw that it got a reaction from his stepsister...so he did it again...that’s how kids are. Have you ever noticed how kids want you to say or do something funny a thousand times in a row? (At least...my 5 and under nephews are this way). I almost don’t want to make my nephews laugh because I know they’ll ask me to do that same thing a gazillion more times and laugh just as hard every time. They like to experiment and repeat things and see how the people around them react.

i also don’t think that you’re trying to make your DH “play daddy” to your son. You live together full-time and it seems he cares for your son. That’s perfectly fine. Just be mindful of your SDs feelings...and assure all kids that they’re loved and have a place in your home. No need to compete.