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I'm finally getting out

Johnm0819's picture

Me and fiancee moved in over a year ago and I realize it's time to move out. I was not aware of how bad her mental issues were. We moved into a BEAUTIFUL 3 bedroom apartment after I had lived on my own for almost 9 years. We did it all wrong. ALL WRONG. we had been together 2 years prior and I had contact with her then 7 year old daughter, but I hadn't had an extended stay with her you might say. I was completely unprepared to live with her daughter. We moved in and things were ok for a couple of months, then I started to notice the pattern of SD basically running the house with no discipline. Room a disaster, living room clutter everywhere, relying on mommy for literally EVERYTHING. She is 9 now and it wasn't gotten any better. Mom is constantly depressed so that means the house is an absolute wreck. She works from home and I come home and literally do all the chores. I've tried to be supportive. I've been trying to hold us together to make her realize that I love her and I want her to feel better, but I now realize that is not up to me. We argue constantly and finally this past weekend decided that maybe it would be better to spend some time apart. I was depressed about this at first and then I came home yesterday and looked at our absolutely destroyed cluttered home, including SD9's room that is a pig sty and has been ever since we moved in. I should've known it would be like that anyways becasue her room was a landfill at their last place, but I hoped for the best. I converted our extra room into a media room filled with entertainment stuff and my furniture for all of us to enjoy, at first I loved that room. That was until SD9 took it over and basically trashed it like she trashed her room. Mom doesn't want to deal with it I guess. I stopped giving my advice or observations months ago because they didn't work or would fall on deaf ears, so I let her do her thing. I don't feel confortable yelling or disciplining someone else's kid. I've never yelled at her once. She has severe daddy issues, still wets the bed every single night, while mom keeps buying nighties even though she hates doing the laundry every day. I can't do this anymore. When SD9 is at her dad's house, I'm completely fine most of the time, besides the filthy house. Every weekend I hear "I have alot of cleaning projects I want to get done this weekend." Every weekend I sit back and wait for it to happen, because I absolutly will help, but nothing ever happens. I want her to be happy, there's just no way for me to MAKE her happy.

With all that being said, I have finally come to the realization that the real reason I am leaving is because I simply cannot stand being around SD9. She's snooty, moody, does absolutely nothing for her self when she is completely able. She randomly says the dumbest things even for a kid and knows she isn't making any sense. Her fake laugh is pierced in my head for life. I now hate mac and cheese and those have become trigger words for me. Has severe identity issues that aren't helped when she is asked to dress like a girl at moms and dad doesn't care so she dresses herself as a boy at his house. She hears what she wants to hear and I'm sick of it. She doesn't hear discipline, only what mom says she will give her if she gets better. I'm mentally exhausted. If I don't see another stuffed animal for the rest of my life I will be completely okay with that. I'm tired of living in a house run by a 9 year old who does whatever the f she wants because she KNOWS she can. I'm moving to a one bedroom shack and I couldn't be happier. Thanks for reading.


Stepdrama2020's picture

You did the right thing. Had to chuckle Mac and Cheese are trigger words now, and her  fake laugh pierced in your head for life. I have some triggers from my ex SD too. To this day I still hear the little snots high pitched giggle she made just for daddy.  Or the "daddy take me to our faaaaavorite eatery"  I feel sick typing it.

Best case scenario you find a woman who is stable  with no kids . Or find a woman with kids who can actually parent them.

You are dodging a bullet here

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The fact that you call her "mom" says it all lol. There has to be more to life than catering to kids, dealing with kid drama, and fighting about kids. 

queensway's picture

Well it is clear that you reached your limit. Think of it this way, it is a god send. You didn't marry this woman and mother. She failed you as a life partner. You will get thru this time in your life and know what it is you need in a true relationship. You did the right thing and good for you!

justmakingthebest's picture

I understand your frustrations with your soon to be ex GF's kid, but the biggest thing to take away from this is that your GF was a failed parent. You might be disgusted by the child, but she is only doing what she has been raised to do. 

Keep that in mind when you enter the dating pool again. Cleanliness is a big deal to you (me too, so I get it!!), make sure your new GF one day has a clean home, if she has kids- they understand boundaries and are taught respect. Blending is tough, but when you are very different people, it can be impossible. 

Johnm0819's picture

90% of the time when it's just me and GF on the weekends we have an absolute blast. When kid comes home the fun is over for me.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Lucky you!

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I spent three years with a guy in my twenties.  He was also very depressed and didn't work for those three years and I supported us financially.  I always felt like it was my job to try and make him feel better or not depressed and it wasn't my job.  I was never responsible for fixing his mental illness.  He left me for some girl site unseen on the internet and I was so sad and devastated.  He moved from Florida to North Carolina to be with this girl cause he said it was me and it was Florida. So fast forward twenty years later.  He is now getting another divorce and has moved to Colorado to explore some new state cause that girl and where he was didn't fix him.  A light bulb finally came on for me when he texted me out of the blue and told me what he was doing and going through.  It was always him!  IT always will be him.  So you caught on to that lesson way before I did.  Very proud of you.  You are going to be just fine, sir.    

CLove's picture

I saw your comments about your Gf and you being great together when SD is not around.

Please understand that your Gf is the problem. Her failed parenting is the problem, and SD is a simple manifestation of the bad parenting. Its easy when its just you two, in spite of her poor housekeeping skills. Well thats a fantasy land and its good that you did not have children with her.

Yes, SD sounds bad, but your Gf created that.

I have 2 Sd's and a toxic Bm Toxic Troll to deal with. Im 6 plus years in this. Sd21 Feral Forger is a min TT, and a direct manifestation of her toxic parenting. Just saw her for Christmas and she is a dirty filthy whining mess doped up. When shes not doped up shes mean. Lazy. No redeeming qualities at all. Dh stays away because he knows that he cannot fix it.

Dont go back to that. Vett out your future partners better. And best wishes!

GrudgingSM's picture

I'm glad you saw that this is dysfunctional and are exiting before you made the legal commitment of marriage. I just want to also echo what others have said that this kid has been parented this way. The bed wetting at 9 and dressing for different genders at different houses (which doesn't *have* to mean a huge issue if a kid plays iwth gender, but there seems like maybe some other issue there with maybe trying to mirror the parent or be what the parent wants) is all far beyond what's normal. And 9 year olds don't want to clean up, but they totally can! This is on your fiance, who's failing this kid. I get depressed too. I struggle to function, so I empathize, but she absolutely has to get some help and start taking a more active role in parenting. I hope your departure helps give her the wakeup call she needs to invest in her mental health again, as well as her parenting.

ndc's picture

You've made the right decision for the wrongvreason. The problem is your girlfriend, who is a crap parent raising a bratty, unlikeable kid, not the kid herself. Kudos on getting out. Living in the mess and chaos of others is not good for one's mental state.

Hollis7125's picture

I'm glad you decided to move on, it sounds like it's for the best. I'm sorry you're sad but after you heal, your life will be much better, not being stuck with your SD and her depressed mother. It must have been SO hard to decide when to go. Best of luck in moving forward with your life! 

Wilhelm's picture

It is perfectly normal for little girls to want to dress in shorts and tshirts if that is what you mean by "boys' clothes".