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Took years to realize it's not a step family issue

ITB2012's picture

It's not the skids, it's probably not BM, but I think it is DH.

All the issues would probably be there if DH and I were a "first family" since I think he has Aspergers. After reading that article about how neurotypical (NT) wives of AS husbands lose twice (see my previous PAS post), I have been doing some reading up on AS.

He's not a rocking, no eye contact, non-verbal autistic person, he can put on a face and act as is appropriate in social situations and most people may not guess (unless they compare OSS and DHs behavior as OSS is even more typical AS but not diagnosed).

It's not just guilty daddy, weak-willed stuff, and just related to step life. All the situations where I'm so frustrated are appearing in support forums for partners of people with AS. The issues in step life are just symptoms and manifestations of the AS attitude and my unqualified guess.

And I think I need to go to therapy. First to whine about it 'cause I have no one IRL I can bitch to, second to get some emotional support since I'm not getting that from DH, and third to see if it might be true.

Anyone else have an AS DH? Was he willing to get diagnosed? Was he diagnosed? Did he get any help? Did it help?


Letti.R's picture

 I think it is a DH problem.
Easy to blame Aspergers or some other AS or NT disorder.
You don't officially know if he has Aspergers so at best you are guessing in the dark,  trying to find  a reason for what you are seeing.
I know two people officially diagnosed with Aspergers (AS now): both are happily married and not crappy parents.

One is a good friend.
Instead of talking, they write to each other about difficult or sensitive subjects.
People with Aspergers can totally shut down sometimes when they need to talk about the hard stuff.
You may want to write to your DH and ask him to respond in writing instead of having a conversation.
It could be easier for him rather than feeling pressurised to give you an answer face to face.

ITB2012's picture

I am most definitely wandering in the dark here, but I feel like I've bumped into the answer. I am not going to diagnose him, it's just eerie how close it all is. I have no idea if he'd be open to considering it or talking to someone about the possibility. It's just a hunch at this point.

Thanks for the info about writing. I have done that here and there just because a topic had to be resolved and he was traveling. It did go better. But I can't see doing that for everything because even the little stuff appears to be hard stuff.

And especially thank you for the "and not crappy parents." I do believe that there's more going on and a diagnosis of X does not mean that a person's method of operating is okay.

elkclan's picture

My ex - who I am 99.9% is on the spectrum absolutely WAS a crappy parent. But he made a great show of being attentive dad when other people were around. He knew WHAT he was supposed to do - it was just too much effort and not what he wanted to do when other people weren't watching. 

I suspect that people who see him interact with BS11 when they are doing my ex's special interest together think my ex is a great dad. They don't know that he doesn't do any homework supervision. They don't know how many times he's discussed inappropriate things in front of him or how he's called him names or the constant criticism. They don't know that he doesn't show up to any parent-teacher stuff unless I arrange it or how he basically doesn't support any activity for BS that isn't to do with my ex's special interest. 

still learning's picture

I think exH has Aspberger's and is somewhere on the spectrum as well. We have 4 kids together and two of them (boys) are on the spectrum.  Looking back it definitley would explain some of his personal issues and our issues with communication.