Difference in how kids vs skids are talked to
I don't usually say anything about how DH talks to the kids (skid or DS) unless it's getting unbalanced or out of hand. I am an equal opportunity hard-a$$, DH is a softy. If it gets to the point where I am defending a kid (my kid or a skid) to DH then something is wrong.
At the beginning of the weekend he got very upset with DS about an issue with the bathtub yet it was OSS who did it and it was an accident (OSS did not get talked to as he was not there and by the time he got to the house DH had already complained at me and DS). DH assumed DS did it on purpose. It's never happened before so it's not like someone is doing it and this is an on-going issue.
So I watched this weekend. Yes, DH was coming down on DS harder and more frequently than the skids (for some of the same things). This morning DH, with *a lot* of irritation in his voice, told DS to clean up his mess in the kitchen (even though the skids left glasses and things sit out the night before).
After the kids left for school I said to DH: "I have noticed lately that you are harder on DS than on the skids, I believe it is unfair, and I think it is being noticed by the kids, too." DH got upset that I was telling him to be harder on the skids and said he's a different kind of parent, that DS does X, Y, Z and the skids don't (but they do A, B, C though I didn't go there in the conversation). I replied that I wasn't telling him which way was better just that it's unbalanced and noticeable. It's up to him if he wants to change it, and if he changes it's up to him whether it's to go easier on DS or be harder on the skids.
What usually is up is that he's upset and projecting his anger onto something else since he doesn't like confrontation. Do we bet he's upset with me or upset with his own kids?
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Why tell him it's up to him
Why tell him it's up to him whether or not he changes it though?
Unfairness isn't okay. I have my 16-month-old biological son (who is also DHs) and my 7-year-old stepdaughter full-time. Granted, the ages are very drastically different so some rules can't apply to the little one, but when he's old enough, they will. I treat them both the exact same when it comes to rules, in an age-appropriate way of course. BS can't clean his room lol.
I have, in the last few months, started having to think first before reacting to something SD7 is doing because I have to remind myself that my reaction to BS will have to be the same when he's older. Honestly, it's kind of unfair but I find myself going way harder on her than I know I would go on my own child, so I rethink and give her a consequence I would be comfortable giving my son when he's older.
'Cause he was getting wound up
He gets easily offended and reads into a lot of things. This time he was reading into my statement that I was telling him he is a bad parent. Nope, I'm telling you that you're picking on one kid over the others. (He probably doesn't remember but I've had to tell him that with each skid at various points, too, so it's not just my son.)
He doesn't have to change but me telling him to is worse than me letting him do it on his own---and knowing that he hates for anyone to think of him as a bad guy. So if it's possible DS doesn't think of him as the nice guy, DH will try to be the nice guy.
The boys are 16, 17.5, and 18 so I think it's appropriate to treat them equally when it comes to household rules, chores, and manners.
Oh, and regarding the "reacting"
I actually do that when I think about BM. As "the mom" would I do the same thing or have the same reaction with DS? It helps put things in perspective.