DH's inability to show empathy
My DS is having a hard time at college. He's a freshman and ended up getting into one of the on-campus apartment dorms. He was very happy about it since he likes to cook. However, his roommate has some bizarre behaviors and one of the other kids is a raging alcoholic and drug user, basically a felony waiting to happen. So DS's not liking college at all right now. He's obviously concerned since he's talked to me, DH, XH, and XH's (longterm) GF about it a lot. XH and I are going to talk soon to compare notes.
I expressed my concern to DH last night that DS even said he didn't want to go back (DS was here for a long weekend break). I said I wished that DS had some tamer roommates and was frustrated that I couldn't help him except to give him advice, and I was worried and concerned about him and the possibility that DS gets accused because the kid takes them all down with him and ends up with a criminal record. DH starts reminding me how he said it was a bad idea for DS to be in an apartment, that freshmen cannot handle that much independence (the apartment is a multi-person dorm room with a kitchen on campus), that even my dad sided with him that DS didn't need to be in an apartment, is too sensitive to alcohol/drug-use, and that DS needs to suck it up.
GAH! So now I'm frustrated with DH, too. I was looking for some damn EMPATHY, not a smug list of what he had said and things that DS could do (all of which were just reiterations of what I had already said that are options). I explained that he missed that I was looking for some empathy because 1. I had used all feeling words so I was looking for a feeling response (wish- which is desire, frustration, worry, concern) and 2. I had already stated all those solutions and hadn't said that I was looking for solutions. Also told him that my dad is the last person to use in support his point since the man did nothing but party his freshman year in college and flunked out.
I tried asking DH to muster some empathy by asking him to imagine if it were OSS having this problem and he came back with "but OSS is in a dorm and his roommate isn't like that." Yes, I know that. I told him I was asking him to use his imagination, pretend it's different. He couldn't get there.
So, I'm now on here because I just want to get this off my chest and am looking for even a smidgen of empathy.
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Comments
Roommates are luck of the
Roommates are luck of the draw. Even if you room with your friend or family member, it could end poorly.
Your DH is an arse. It could easily be his son in the same situation, and he'd want to burn down the campus to avenge his son if that were to happen. At least your DH continues to show you that he is an arse so you know where you and your feelings stand.
The only recourse your son has is to report illegal behavior and/or request to move dorms. This is a pretty common problem for most new college students. It's not a fault in your DS; it's just an unfortunate event that happens to many.
That last paragraph
is what a relative suggested. I asked a relative for advice who is currently a professor at a college. DS should report that he's uncomfortable around the drugs and ask what they can do about moving him to another spot, that perhaps there are other kids asking to move now, or perhaps he has to wait to the end of the semester. And, at least it would be on record that he said something so if anything happens, he can point to his contact with the housing people.
{{hugs}}
{{hugs}}
I wasn't even asking for solutions
Just a sympathetic statement and perhaps a hug.
Oh, thank you Aniki
You didn't have to change your post. I hope you didn't think I meant you about the solutions. I meant that I had gone through solutions already and didn't need those from DH.
It's okay, hon. Sometimes we
It's okay, hon. Sometimes we vent simply to be heard and I thought that might be the case here. *give_rose*
My DS moved out last year and
My DS moved out last year and for the past year has been learning what it's like to live with other people. It's a rough age, you finally have independence, but you learn that not everybody lives the way you do.
I hope your son gets it all worked out.
Maybe he could ask to switch
Maybe he could ask to switch dorms. My son has just gone to college. So I do have some sympathy. I think the major factor as he has his head screwed on, and wouldn’t be caught up in anyone’s ongoing sagas, is would this affect his ability to study?
if he doesn’t want to try a switch living accommodation, and just wants to come back, it may be that there is also a deeper issue such as he doesn’t like that particular college in general, doesn’t like living away from home, or the course isn’t what he thought it would be.
My former stepson ( I am a few weeks away from my decree absolute) picked a sports admin degree. He then chose to quit because ‘there was too much admin as part of the course’ don’t get me started lol.
at the end of the day you know him best. I hope everything works out for you all.
When my son went to college,
When my son went to college, he was going to stay off campus (to save money). He was hooked up with 2 young "ladies" though a college sponsored roommates needed type site.
They rented a 3 bedroom home, that one of the girl's parents INSISTED on being the one to sign the lease and nobody else. My guess is control factor. Whatever. The 2 kept trying to get him to pay more than his 1/3 share and continually ate his food.
The two ended up being PARTY ANIMALS. My son had a difficult time sleeping (much less studying). When he found a bunch of pot and coke residue on the coffee table he had it.
He found a new place to live in 3 days and moved out while they were gone. (They would have raised hell if they knew he was moving.)
No way he was going to get caught up in their bullcrap.
I feel for your son.
Sounds as if your son has his
Sounds as if your son has his head screwed on. I'd be worried too though if he were mine because he should be having a blast and he isn't. I would have thought if he asked to move rooms due to the drug use, the college would have to do something about it, whether it's moving your son or even better, removing the drug user.