DH learning a lesson the hard way
While we were dating DH gave me thoughtful, obviously planned gifts. There was effort. Great. I love to do that too. But after we got married it’s like he thought he didn’t have to anymore. Plus we discussed how to handle birthdays and things like Mothers/Fathers day (since exes were doing it before we married).
I tried the “keep doing it and show effort and they will follow” method. Nothing. I tried to be okay with the non-existent or mediocre effort from any of them. But this spring when DH put in next to no thought for my bday, none of them could even manage a spoken thank you for the family trip, and DH texting BM happy Mother’s Day but telling me he thought about reminding my BS but then just didn’t bother, I had enough.
We are finally at the holidays and DHs bday. He finally sees what happens when there is little to zero effort by a spouse to make it a nice day. I said nothing at all to any of the kids and I planned nothing. I got him a card and a no-thought gift. The only thing I did do was to tell BS to say happy bday because I’m not letting my kid off completely. But still it was still minimal effort on my part.
The skids said nothing at all on the day. Had no card and no gift and made other plans. BS told DH happy bday. DH was upset and told off both skids in front of me. And I found out later that he had reminded his own kids a few days before and they still did nothing.
Uh, huh. Now he knows how much it sucks and how much I’ve been the one making things happen. And I hated it too. I don’t want him to be hurt but unfortunately he lacks some empathy and it had to happen to him for him to understand.
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Comments
Kudos to you.
Kudos to you.
Now you wait and see if he really learned his lesson. If he did, then things will change. If he hasn't, then you've found your new normal.
Good for you, especially on
Good for you, especially on making sure that your BS wished your DH a happy birthday. You got revenge, but if you want to change things, you need to take a different tact.
Even though it stung, your DH may not have learned his lesson and the pain may fade between now and the next holiday. If you want to modify his behavior, you need to communicate your needs and hold him accountable. Keeping hurt and disappointment bottled up only hurts you and does nothing to improve things.
Does he know what you want for.Christmas? Did you tell him specifically what would please you? Be upfront about it now, while his hurt is fresh .
I well remember one anniversary when we'd been married about five years, and DH didn't get me anything. Did I light up his butt? You bet I did, and off he went to who knows where for flowers, a card, and a gift. Never happened again.
We teach people how to treat us, and if you tolerate carp, carp is what you'll get. I've said over and over that you can't be too nice in steplife, or you'll be treated like a door mat. Leave the skids out of this; they're likely selfish heathens anyway. This is a marital issue first, so work on speaking up for yourself and requiring more of your husband. Men can be lazy little boys - if we let them.
Oh I didn’t bottle anything
I let him know specifically and pointedly each time it happened exactly what my feelings were about it. Never made a dent. Almost seven years of leading by example and stating my view on whatever the situation. Nothing. It doesn’t matter how much you say if the other person doesn’t listen. If I’ve learned anything it’s that DH does nothing unless it impacts him directly. I’ve had to go this route in other situations, too.
Just so frustrating that I can’t just tell him.
P.S. The skids bdays have happened in between the final straw and his recent bday and he also felt the pinch there when I wasn’t reminding or helping. I also did nothing after he said “we” should host some summer and some holiday parties. Nothing happens unless I do it. And guess what? Nothing happened because I did nothing. He’s starting to get the hint.
FWIW
I have stopped telling him what I want since I have and have not gotten it. Not vague requests, but specific items. Once or twice I got something resembling what I asked for but not the actual thing.
It doesn’t pay to frustrate myself. Last year I bought myself the things I wanted and addressed them to me and from me. This year I also just went ahead and got myself the things I need.
And, Harry, it’s not that he still loves BM. That incident just illustrates my next sentence. It’s that he worries about what people think of him and his nice guy-ness but when we got married and I stopped being a “people” I’m no longer someone to worry about.
That is Awful.
The only suggestion I have is marriage counseling. Give it to him as his only Christmas gift, and tell him it's his last chance before you give him a divorce.
Excellent suggestion
He’s made some comments about Xmas so I’m gonna see what happens there. But our anniversary is soon after and that is perfect. Would drive the point home.
I already have in my head a deadline for myself for things to turn around or I turn my back on all of it. It’s not too far in the future but it’s enough of a lag that there’s room to either kill this relationship completely or see a change.
He also seemed to get a clue the other day when I took off of work and he told me he took off of work too then to spend the day together. I told him I had already made plans and was going to do them and I had made them because I’ve stopped asking him about taking time together so now I fill my time for myself only. And he knows exactly all the situations where I’ve asked him to do things with me and he’s begged off (but immediately taken time off to do things with the skids).
its gonna be an interesting and illuminating few months
Look like DH
Still has feelings for BM. He is thinking about her more then you. She get a happy Mother D. You get nothing out of him. You must Disengage as you are doing, make sure no joint anything with BM. Birthday, holidays, ect. Unless there is no way of avoiding it. Sport events, ect.
Dh played you, was nice until he had you, all he wants is a mother for his kids, a wife in bed. You have to teach him the hard way.
He told BM happy Mothers Day?
That's tough. I don't understand why men seem to remember all the wrong things. DH did that to me one year before we had our kids and I lit him up for it. At least now yours is getting his comeuppance