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Crossing boundaries

ITB2012's picture

DH is upset with me. He does not like that I have been mostly non-communicative this past week. I've been quiet because I'm still thinking. Last weekend he accused me of having a hidden agenda behind setting up DS with his own Netflix account and paying out of his bank accounts. My agenda is to help DS start building some credit. That's what I said when I wrote it on our board. My hidden agenda per DH was to boot the skids off the account once I got DS on his own. Truthfully it never crossed my mind. I had this flash of panic that this would be the rest of my life: being falsely accused of thoughts, feelings, and intentions. I was in a long term relationship with someone who did this to me. I broke up with the guy. I am quiet because I'm wondering about the future with DH.

DH has taken my quietness hard. I think he wants me to fight, but I'm not sure. He's upset I haven't been the one to initiate saying good morning or good night. It's not that I haven't talked to him at all, I just haven't done those things. He wrote me a long letter about four things from our past that still bother him. He gave it to me last night. It's made out to my therapist. He says he was going to drop it off but decided to give it directly to me.

Good thing he did. Had he invaded that private space he would not have liked the consequences. I told him so, and I think he knows that. It's not that I'm bashing him left and right to the therapist, but my therapist is my private space to tell my story and work on my things. He said he things we need therapy. I agreed. He said he wants to go together. I said I would be willing to after he goes on his own for a while. He wanted to go to my therapist. I said no. He wanted to go to my therapist together after he does individual therapy. I said no. I'm willing to go together after he goes, but we will have to find a third party. I don't think we mutually should see the same person we saw individually. He just came so close to crossing another boundary. How desparate is he going to get? He talked about going to see my pastor, not his. I wouldn't be surprised if he ponders going or actually goes to one of my parents. I feel like he's triangulating people to get me to apologize and do what he wants.

My frustration with the letter is also that he brought up these things that are in the past, but he keeps harping on me not to dwell or bring up the past. (And I pointed that out to him.)

I'm not sure if I'm asking a question or just posting this to vent.

Comments

Evil3's picture

It sounds like your DH is getting desperate. He feels you pulling away and he knows he's losing you. He's just going about it all wrong and making it much worse.

Zara Gold's picture

You got this! I agree with you! I suggest going to counseling right away and schedule the appointment with the third party to start the process now.  Try to mend things either fight for the relationship if you want or walk away on your time.  The counselor should be able to help hear both sides and get you all on the same page.  Yes, you did nothing wrong.  He has some past issues, so let him bring the letter and read it out loud in counseling and talk about his problems that is on him, not you.  You got this!  You know what right and wrong.  I'm glad you have here to open up and share.  We are all in it together. 

advice.only2's picture

The fact that your DH thinks that way says a lot...It must be very hard being a person who is always thinking of ways to manipulate and hurt people.   No wonder he doesn't trust you, his own personality is a mine field of deceit.

tog redux's picture

I'm glad you started wondering about your future with DH. I wonder about it every time I read your posts.

Warn your therapist that he might do something like this. A good therapist will not accept information from a spouse without your permission, and if she did, she should give it to you to read first. And a good therapist wouldn't agree to couples counseling against your wishes.

He's very controlling and paranoid. He doesn't like that you are making independent decisions or talking about things with the therapist and he can't know what you are saying. He wants to control the narrative and make himself look good.

 

missginger's picture

Your stand on therapists is 100% correct. When I was going to a counselor he made it very clear that he would not see my DH or us together as a couple if he and i had more then 3 sessions alone. He said after that he couldnt meet with DH and make it fair and objective. 

As for things in the past - I have no idea what these things are but in YOUR opinion are they things he should let go? Are they things the two of you can discuss? I do believe at some point the past is the past and you have to let it go. I mean issues DH and I had 7 years ago are no longer an issue at all with us. (of course new ones pop up all the time) Smile

ITB2012's picture

I did call the office and was told that I didn't even need to call, that they wouldn't have accepted it had he tried. (Hm, now I wonder if I should ask if he tried.)

Regarding the question about things that need to be let go: Most of the issues in the letter need to be let go. One of them is ongoing so it's hard to let that one go. I also agree that I need to let things go. I am really trying, that's a lot of what therapy has been for, to help me let go of some of it. It is hard when the same behaviors keep occuring.