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Dealing with infertility as a stepparent

isthisforme123's picture

I don't blog often, but today was a doozy and I've got to let it out! DH had a vasectomy after SS11. He has four kids. I have DD16. So altogether we've got 5. So I know better than to post on infertility websites but thought maybe you ladies would understand.

I'm 33. I had DD when I was just 16. It wasn't exactly roses and balloons ya know? But fast forward, I graduated college and professional school and she's doing great. I always knew I wanted to have another kid under the "right" circumstances. I met DH and he had a vasectomy. I knew the odds but I loved the guy and he agreed to a reversal, which he had in August, a few months after our wedding.

It's been six months and we haven't gotten pregnant. He had a analysis done today and it showed no motile sperm. I'm just so sad. The worst part is, we have SS11 tonight. All I can think about is how I just don't want to deal with him.

I know it's horribly unfair. I knew the odds going into it and I'm a big girl and made my own choice. But I just cannot deal with watching him fawn over SS11 knowing we won't have one of our own.

Just needed to vent.

Comments

isthisforme123's picture

DH is 45. Nine years between vas and reversal. Longer does equal less chance of success but its not the major factor in determining. Your age is important too. And they can do bloodwork on your DH to look at things like testosterone and FSH levels that will tell you if he is still making sperm. Please don't take my anecdotal story as a reason not to do it. Consult with a urologist!

As to adoption, DH is fine with it. But like you, I want an OURS baby. I can't shake the feeling that an adopted kid would always come second to his bios.

Sarahjc's picture

I know how you feel. DH and I tried unsuccessfully for 4 years to get pregnant. We basically did every treatment other than IVF. We stopped trying about a year ago and started looking into adoption. We were one of those cases where when we stopped trying, we got pregnant and it stuck (I've had 4 miscarriages in 4 years). I'm due in 11 weeks with our first and only child together.

During the time that we were trying, it was always very hard for me to see him with the kids. There was always a bond there that I would never have with them. It was even harder for me to know that his b*tch of an ex was the one who gave him those kids and I could not give him a child. There were lots and lots of nights spent crying on my part. DH never seems as upset about it because, from what I believe, he already had kids and didn't feel the need to have another one. Me, on the other had, I didn't have any kids of my own.

Having kids together is a bond that really can never be broken and I completely understand your feelings and your want to have a child with your DH. I agree with the previous post, maybe start looking into adoption and/or other options. My other comment would be that even though 6 months feels like a long time, it really is only 6 cycles and 6 short lived chances to get pregnant. I'm not sure how a reversal normally works, but is there a chance that he might have mobile sperm later on or did they say that because he doesn't have any now, he probably won't ever?

isthisforme123's picture

I'm so glad for you.

Totally agree that not being able to give him a kid when ex did is awful. Even though technically it is not "my" fault - doc says I am fertile. DH does not feel the same urgency. He is fine with his four and who can blame him? That's plenty. But it's adds to the feeling of being alone in wanting this.

Stories like yours are great though, and maybe someday it will happen for you.

isthisforme123's picture

I meant someday happen for "us ." Yes there is always the chance his sperm will perk up in time.

So last night, the night before the SA, DH decides to have three beers. I mean 3 beers is not that bad, but DH may go weeks without drinking. And he chooses last night. And then this morning wakes up hungover (by his own admission) and dehydrated. So that may have something to do with it. It certainly is not outside the real of possibility that he may get sperm back in the future. But he is just doing nothing right now to make that happen. Crappy diet, poor sleep, lots of stress.

I just wish he cared about this as much as I do.

Grace Galloway's picture

I understand completely! My husband had his vasectomy reversal last January, we've been trying for a year now. Yes the odds and chances of conceiving after reversal are not in your favor but its really up to God to determine your fertility. If you are meant to have a child with your husband, you will, low sperm motility or not.

My husband had lots of sperm when the doctor removed a specimen directly from his sack when he had him open on the surgery table. I was there, saw the whole procedure, the dr. even let me see the sperm under the microscope to show me. He said that less than 3% of his patients have healthy live sperm like that present after having a vasectomy for so long (12 yrs). The dr. felt that our chances would be great of conceiving.

Well its been a year and turns out my husband has low testosterone, low sperm count and low sperm motility. The dr. said we can still conceive it will just be an uphill battle. He's taking some kind of fertility vitamin blend now. We decided to stop trying because its too stressful and discouraging. If a miracle happens, GREAT, if not, then life goes on. im sure my husband is secretly relieved b/c he didnt want anymore kids, he had 3 already.

isthisforme123's picture

I'm so sorry for you. Yes we're in the same boat, low testosterone, poor motility, and a sneaking suspicion our husbands are secretly relieved.

z3girl's picture

We battled infertility for 4 years, and it was awful. It got harder and harder to be around SD, and I was just angry. Because of my DH's low count, ICSI was our only option, and he refused to finance "what should happen naturally". I think if he didn't have a child to begin with, I might have been a little less angry.

I refused to give up, and ended up having IVF overseas for a fraction of the cost at home. My first round failed, and then I miraculously became pregnant while gearing up for round 2. I magically lost my anger, and even though some things still bother me about SD, they're not as important.

My feeling was to just never give up, no matter how low the chances are.