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Vacation Blow-up

ishouldrun's picture

This is going to be long, sorry.  Need some advice and to vent. 

SO and I had reserved a cottage on a lake this year for a one-week vacation.  Told both SS16 and DD15 they could each bring one friend.  We knew the friend that DD wanted to bring and have been around her a lot.  Kept asking SS who he was bringing and he wouldn't commit.  Two days before vacation he finally said that he had asked all of his friends to go and the only who could go was Friend X.  Now X is not the person SO wants SS hanging around and he was unaware that SS was doing so.  X is a smart-ass, disrespectful, lying, sneaky, shit, has been caught stealing and drinking.  X makes DD and her friends uncomfortable in that he stares at them and makes inappropriate remarks.  DD and her friends  have him blocked on all social media.  This is the only one of SS's friends that DD doesn't get along with.  DD asks one of SS's other friends who she is also friends with why he wasn't coming and he replied because SS never asked me.  So SS lied, nothing new we are finding out more lies he has told everyday.

We compromised and said that X could come up for the day but he had to leave at night (cottage was 30 min. away) and SO would stay with the boys at all times and keep them seperated from the girls.  I also told SO that if one thing made me or DD uncomfortable we would be packing up and leaving immediately. 

SO made plans to pick-up SS night before when SS was out of work.  SO drives 35 minutes to SS's town to pick him up and SS starts coming up with excuses.  Excuse #1 - I'm not packed to which SO told him: I have to get some last minute things at the store you have 1/2 hour get packed.  Excuse #2 - I have to help X pack- SO's response: X is not coming up until tomorrow afternoon after we check in, he can pack for himself tomorrow morning.  Excuse #3-I have other plans-SO's response: you and I made these plans two days ago and you need to stick by them.  SS would not tell SO what the plans were.  Excuse #4 - mom said you can't pick me up tonight.  Well SO flipped out at that one and called SS and basically told him to man-up, stop lying and stop hiding behind his mom. SS hung up on SO and later that night sent a text that said "X and I will come up tomorrow when we feel like it, if that doesn't work I'll just stay home.  SO never replied to that text as he was just too mad.

So we go on vacation and do not hear another peep from SS and he never came up.  At this point SO is furious that his son is trying to run the show and acting so disrespectfully that when SS birthday came on Monday he would not even text him Happy Birthday although I told him he should and by Thursday he shut off his brand new phone that SO pays for (BM who always pleads "no money" was happy to rush out and buy him a new phone and put him on her plan")  Needless to say vacation was ruined.  SO alternated between anger and sorrow all week.  SS has been his little boy and his whole world so to find out that he is only a wallet to this kid just crashed his world.  Ugh, I'm just done with it. Still haven't heard from SS-been about 2 weeks now and I am so over having to discuss this with SO for hours every day.  I've encouraged him to talk to other fathers and a counselor to get a different perspective and advice, we'll see if he follows through.  I don't want to tell him that I'm done trying to support him on this but honestly 1-2 hour conversations everyday for the past two weeks about his royal PITA have me pulling my hair out.

Has anyone experienced this? And if so, what did you do to help your SO handle it? And how long did it take SO to deal with it?  Just looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  Pretty sure SS won't be back around until he needs Daaaadddy to buy him something.  This is his regular MO and as we are finding out he is being PAS'd out by The Coven (BM, BAuntie, and BGM). 

 

Comments

Iamwoman's picture

DH did the right thing. Hopefully someday SS16 will realize that. 

It sounds like SS16 was planning on ruining the vacation all along, and he was pissed that you and DH came up with a plan so that he couldn’t ruin things for you.

DH needs to sit back and wait for SS16 to contact him. DH was in the right and SS16 was wrong.

ishouldrun's picture

initally thought too Smile I thought about drinking a shot everytime he said "I've lost my little boy" but I'd be under the table in now time.  With that being said I am going to have to put some boundaries up.

Harry's picture

DH who ruined the camping trip.  So SS didn’t come camping. Did the world stop ?  NO.  Your DH has to get his head out of his AS*. You go on vacation, you have fun, who comes with you that is family, who stays home,  stays home. Not a thing to ruined a week 

SM12's picture

Been there, done that X 2!!

My DH has three boys!  OSS19 has not spoken to DH in a year over DH telling him he wouldn’t drop everything last minute to drive him 2 1//2 hours one way back to college when DH told him not to come home in the first place.  DH told him before he came home he couldn’t drive him back.  Before that incident, OSS would stop talking to DH for weeks at a time (since he was 13) whenever he wasn’t the center of attention it didn’t get to run the house.    

MSS16 is following right in OSS shoes.  Only comes around when it’s time for money.  Has backed out of every plan DH has made with him to do things for past year.  Either cancelling last second or ghosting DH.   

DH has cut off their phones at one time or another but they are IPhones so if there is WiFi they can still use them. 

DH is ashamed of his two oldest who are rude entitled brats.   He says he loved them as they are his children but he doesn’t like them.  He feels so uncomfortable when they come over (which almost never happens unless it’s gift grab time)

i think my DH helped creat these monsters by having guilty Dad syndrome for the first 6 years after the divorce.  He would run after them and beg them to call him when they cut off contact.  He would buy them anything they wanted to make them like him again.   But now that he has stopped doing all that, it’s too late.  They have been ruined.   

Its tough for your DH now.  Although I understand it’s hard to care or listen to them everyday about it, they just need an ear.  Be patient and keep him strong.  The last thing you want is your DH caving in and running after your SS.  That will cause chaos for you in the future if he does.

ishouldrun's picture

Our situations sound very similar.  I'm beyond pissed that with everything SO has done for this kid over the last few years this is how he is treated.  I disengaged about 6 months ago so I'm not surprised by this behavior I kind of saw it coming.  SO is devastated its his only kid, that was conceived with the help of IVF so there is no other Skid to take his mind off this one.  I guess I'm back to the drinking and trying to be supportive.  At least its a great time of year for Strawberry Lemonade Vodka.  How long did it take for your DH to calm down about the no contact?  SO has sent a text to BM and BAuntie asking them to have SS call but no response.

SM12's picture

it does sound like we are in the same boat.   Of course early on when OSS started looking for reasons to stop coming, he blamed my BS.  They hate each other because of how OSS was to DH.  Maybe BS adores DH.   Then MSS stopped coming and tried to blame me.  DH and I struggled for a few years early on because he bought into everything they said.  I disengage early on, probably 3-4 years ago.  I can be nice if they are but if they aren’t I can walk away.   DH finally started seeing them for how they really are almost two years ago.  He had some slip ups early in.  He would be strong and stand up to them and then back down after a few weeks.   By the time OSSs cut him out totally, OSS had already done it so many times before that DH was used to not hearing from him.   He still sends OSS a weekly text just saying I love you but doesn’t offer money or gifts to see him.   He just says he feels better at least knowing he did everything he could.   OSS never responds.   And of course BM blames DH which we really don’t care what she says.  She allowed and encouraged their disrespect so let her live with the monsters she created. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh man. 

Too many vacations ruined by OSD to count. Was so happy and relieved when she quit coming over for a season. 

Like you, I hated to sit around and listen to DH mope about losing his precious, perfect baby girl. She was evil and the worst in every way...but none of that mattered to DH. So gross. 

I don't know what to say...just know you aren't obligated to mope with him. Have fun anyway. Just say Mmmm or Hmmm when he starts talking about the rotten skid. He'll get the picture. 

 

(Oh. Yes. And another similarity. DH got so fed up with OSD one time that we also took/turned off the phone that we were paying for as punishment. Because OSD had left our house in the middle of the night when she was upset with us and WALKED home...leaving DH in a panic, driving around the city looking for her. She wouldn't answer calls or texts. What a bitch. So...if she's not going to answer when we call/text, why are we paying for the phone? Of course, our pour-mouthing BM who never has money for anything and was always asking for extras rushed out first thing the next morning to buy OSD a new phone and get her set up. Because dog forbid DH ever be allowed to parent.)